June 23, 2005
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March 21, 2005
Last week was my spring break, but that basically just mean “catch up time.” And since we also had the girls God Squad conference, it meant things were still their normal crazy. But, my mornings of extra sleep and time with God were SO wonderful.
Monday and Tuesday Ms.Elizabeth took the girls to the activities for the conference. They went to the Training center (where I had lived and worked with Juvenile delinquents) and had a great time, and also to Mrs.Wood’s house and the Outback steakhouse. I had never been to outback steakhouse, but the girls wanted to try it–unfortunately, the one we picked when they went was full of smoke and the girls came back asking me if I was trying to kill them or something. so next time we will try something different. But they did like the food:).
Before we left on Wednesday, I walked out of the office to hear Jasmine B. cussing. ugg. She had just made a decision on Tuesday to be honest and stop lying and it was a great spiritual high…and then this. I brought her in the office and it turned out that at school some girl had hit her, she hit the girl back, the teacher got involved and I believe Jasmine also hit the teacher. She came to the center and of course everyone already knew about it and they were talking about it, saying she had gotten beat up…blah blah. and she lost it. we had a good talk and she calmed down quickly. I told her that not only had she sinned against God, but every single person out there knew she was saved and representing God…and many of the girls looked up to her. I knew I could not let this slide, so I took her home and asked her to spend some time with God to make a game plan for what she was going to do when people started rapping about the fight–because they will be talking about it for weeks, and that is a fact. I always feel so horrible when one of my girls messes up.
Wednesday I took the girls shopping for things for others. As we went in, I asked them to think of what made them feel loved, and find ways to do that for their parents and people who have influenced their lives. We got flowers and cards and sat down to sign all the cards when Michelle O. looked up at me and said “Ms.Rachel, I just feel like crying.” We had been having a wonderful time goofing around at Target and laughing and so I was surprised and asked why. “Because this is the first time I have written a thank you note to my mom.” that really hit me. You know, it is not natural to think of others. You don’t suddenly wake up and say “oh, I wonder how I can make everyone happy today!” no, our default setting is ourselves. How incredible to be able to there with these girls and show them the joy of giving. After that we went to church and then I took them home. The whole time they were serving others–thinking of others–and you know what? they loved it.
This group of girls might be younger and more immature, but it is sorta like going into a preschool classroom compared to a high school classroom. In preschool the kids are learning from everything–every moment they experiment and laugh and learn…yeah, they are messy, and loud and squirmy, but you could spend a week expounding on something as simple as “rain” or “snow,” and only scratch the surface. In high school you are lucky to get in a ten minute gap where they actually look you in the eye. This conference was not as fun as the first one, or as close bonding as the second, but we sure did learn the most. Each thing that happened was a learning experience, from talking to a lady half drunk to discussions about ghosts and singing at the top of our lungs through downtown.
Thursday we came to my house and mom spoke to the girls. we had Bible study right after going to the gym at the university, so they were all tired and I have never seen them so quiet:)! It was great. One of the things my mom did was give out journals to the girls–but we were one short. I quietly asked Jasmine R. if she would mind waiting until I could get her another one. Not only did she smile and say that was fine, but she looked at me and said “Rachel, I am so glad that you felt you could come to me.” She has grow enough maturely that she not only enjoys giving, but she sees the value and honor that giving is! wow! what a lesson to me.
Friday was our special day. it was when we got to take our *signature* trip (we do it every time) to Golden Corral–and not just anyone, the one in Greenwood that has super good cooks. we were all starving ourselves for it. Now, before I begin, I must tell you that seven girls are not really quiet. Especially not at a buffet. But then, no one is really quiet at a buffet. As everyone went to get out of the van (yes, my honking red van that stuck wayyyyyyy out of the parking spot), Amber refused to get out and had her “grumpy look” on. I promise you, inner city girls have perfected the art of the “grumpy look.” ugg. it turns out that Amber did something to Destiny so Destiny did something back…and now Destiny apologized but Amber refused. I sent everyone else in and sat in the van talking to Amber. Amber is also a new Christian. it soon became clear that it was not an issue about Destiny, it was an issue that Amber just did not want to forgive. I guess you can put forgiveness on that list of things that is not in our default system. it is not natural. And Amber had not learned it at all. It was amazing to talk to her as I watched her face realize that she needed to forgive. It was hard–it was against everything she had been taught–to get even, to punish the person by ignoring them, to gossip about them. She sat there and cried because everything in her said she should hold on to her grudge, but she saw clearly from Scripture that as God has forgiven her, she has to forgive others (I shared that one parable about the man being forgiven a million dollars then going after the guy for his 20$). it took her awhile, but as she prayed for our “Bible study” later, she said “Thank you for helping me forgive Destiny, and I am sorry for my part.” this may seem like something super little to you, but in reality it is colossal!!! This is the first time Amber has learned how to forgive.
We enjoyed our food and were beginning to stuff ourselves over capacity when the family behind us stood up to leave and the older man said “you are too d— loud!” and left. shock. while they were there, they did not say ANYTHING to us. We were loud–but not in any abnormal way–we laughed and took pictures and spilled a drink (hey, it’s life)…but did nothing unkind or yelling. Michelle was especially incensed. I told them to calm down, because people did things all the time that were wrong and we needed to respond correctly to it. They did become even more quiet after that. Five minutes or so later, we see the same man staring at us through the window. ugg. the girls dubbed him “old man rivers” and the manager walked up. With a not-so-nice, very condescending attitude he says “I have been getting complaints from people that you are being too loud. you need to be quiet.” I told him that we would be quiet and he backed away, watching us from always down. it was then that we looked around and realized that there was only one other family sitting in our whole section. I apologized to them for being loud and they said “oh, you are no problem, you are not being loud.” that made me feel better, but the manager was not seating anyone in our section although there was a line out waiting through the door!
The girls talked about it and are really feeling just depressed now. And then the manager walks up again, sits at the table next to us and says to me “am I going to have to sit here and baby-sit you? You have to be quiet!” now, let me tell you–by this time we had become as quiet as seven inner city girls could have been. And I KNOW we were not any louder than anyone else in that building. oh my goodness. The girls all put down their food and said “Ms.Rachel, can we go now?” now they are not mad or upset, just dejected. part of me is rebelling because I know we are being treated unfairly and should stay just to prove our point, but…what point would we prove? after a few minutes of a leering manager, we got our things and left. although I don’t like to cry “racism” because I think it is way overused, there is nothing else I can put it too as we were the only multi-racial group in the building. it hurt me deeply because these were my girls. Some people think that I could not understand the feeling because I am white, but I could because I am human, and they were treating other humans that way.
We sat in the van in the parking lot and the girls had alot of choice things to say about “old man rivers.” we stayed in the parking lot for awhile as I figured now was as good a time to have a Bible study as any. I read in Matthew where it says to bless those that curse you and so on. I read it and stopped to ask what it meant. they did not get it. I read it again, and they did not WANT to get it–because it meant THEY had do something about it. I love it when you can so clearly see something you gotta do–written out black and white on the paper of God’s Word. We talked about it and then I asked, so what are we going to do? “forgive old man rivers?” yep. Michelle was our holdout “no! that is not right!” so we talked about forgiveness again, and Amber smiled knowingly. Then I suggested that we should pray for him. again, another round of objections. Erica lead us in prayer, praying mostly for God to “get” him and teach him not to do that again. After much convincing, Michelle also prayed. It was good. It was a life lesson that we went from OUR way of thinking to God’s way. and I will tell you what, it sure was God’s grace working in me to not go off myself. whew! because it burned in me.
As we drove to downtown, Jasmine B. asked if she could do a “Bible study” I said sure, and asked her to go over all we had learned this past week. She went over each night, asking the girls what parts stood out to them and so on–it was awesome to listen to! it made me burst my buttons. At the end, she shared how we had to be witnesses at school. Destiny said that she was scared to pass out tracts because no one else was, and so Jasmine asked each girl to commit to passing out tracts because it was something they needed to do–and they all did. Ms.Elizabeth and I are just grinning out heads off–because sure, we could have asked them to do that–but how much more effective was it that one of them would, and they all agree on it themselves?
We went to our surprise, which none of the girls knew was a carriage ride downtown. of course, I had forgotten that March Madness had started and everyone and their brother were there. God just *happened* to provide a parking spot in the mall (the cheapest place) on the one floor that could fit oversized vans RIGHT NEXT TO the elevators. That just is so God. We walked to the circle and I took their picture on the steps as Ms.Elizabeth finalized everything and we were ready to go…well, almost. as soon as I told them what we were doing, they were excited, but Destiny sat down on the steps and cried. I am thinking “my word, can’t ONE THING go right this whole evening?” Somehow, she got it in her head that it is cruel and unusual punishment to make horses pull carriages. I am trying to patiently explain to her that horses have ALWAYS been doing this and it is natural and fine and they take care of the horses…blah blah, while the carriage people nicely wait. She flat out refused to get on the torture device. finally, the driver comes over and begins telling her that this horse works 4 days, 6 hours a day, gets 4 meals, has 9 miles of land to run on, and even gets weekly visits from the cyropractor. this horse is treated better than me for goodness sakes! I am getting desperate by now, and the girls come over and convince her to get on, tears still streaming and all. grr.
the ride was nice, and we waved at everyone and many waved back. about half way through the ride, Destiny forgot her convictions and was waving along side the rest of us. it was all good. We walked back, singing “I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N” and other fun songs through downtown. It was great. I crawled into bed after getting home late (as each night) and sighed. I was glad it was over, and we sure did hit alot of speed bumps–but I think it was those same bumps that made the conference what it was.
For me, something special this week was getting to catch up on things and friendships. My friend Sara was in from college and it was great to spend time with her. Thursday and Friday were so pretty outside and made me feel like I was going burst because I was so happy. God has brought me to see alot of things in me and then brings me back to “So you said ‘whatever it takes?’ well, here is your chance.” just little things like critisism–yeah it hurts, yeah, it may even be unfair–but what am I going to do about it? Being treated kindly is on my list of things I have to give to God. i cannot change what people do to me, only my response back.
“For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light.” Psalm 36:9
Rachel
****
I hide behind
a stoic face
thinking I’ll
deceive everyone
I hold in
my emotions
thinking that
if they can’t escape
they can’t affect
anyone
I cover
my mouth
thinking that as long
as the words are
not spoken
they will not be true
I think
I have every corner
blocked
every entrance
barricaded
and I will not
be invaded
only to find
the intruder
was me
