June 23, 2005
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March 14, 2005
It has been really neat to see some incredible people transformed by God recently. Tonight at church there was this guy that shared. he is going to be serving in Iraq next month. He came to our church to see a friend baptized and after meeting with the associate pastor for two months, was saved. That was less than three years ago. Now he is taking correspondence classes and wants to become a preacher, just got engaged to a great Christian girl, and is in the air force (I think), going to start Bible studies in his division! wow.
On Sunday mornings we are going through 1 Corinthians 13. Talking to one guy this week he was like “How can you read the Bible over again?” and I brought up that our pastor had been preaching on 1 Corinthians 13 and every time I re-read it, it hits me just like it did the first time. It is never old. And that is just one chapter! But what a chapter it is. We are at “Love always hopes.” I think hope is a hard thing sometimes. A quote given was “hope is patience with the light lit.” Sometimes my light grows dim.
There was alot going on last weekend, and alot of prayer. Last Thursday I got a call from Jake’s probation officer (he has been in boy’s school for 2 1/2 years). Jake was being released on Monday. Reggie and I had already planned on visiting him on Saturday morning, so I was excited because I wanted to encourage him in the Lord as much as possible before he got out. Friday night I got a call from Jake’s mom. previously, Jake was not going to be able to return home, but I guess somehow plans were changed. she asked if I could give her a ride on Monday to get Jake.
I will be honest with you. I really did not want to do all that driving, I did not want Jake going home, and I really needed that time to do my homework. I was feeling very hard pressed about being nice to people.
*note: we just watched “The Incredibles” and at the beginning they “interview” Mr.Incredible and he is like “The bad thing about saving the world is that it just goes on un-saving itself. Just once you want to clean up the mess and have it stay clean” well, I was slightly feeling like that: “goodness, I have just spent all week trying to help people…to I have to do it off-hours too? Will the needs never stop coming? Will there ever be a moment when they turn around and say ‘okay, you have helped me, now I can take it from here?’ ”
to make matters worse, if Jake meets with the law again, it is jail, not juvenile. He is on 30 days probation, but they have released him to a home where it is very well known (at least by the kids at the youth center), that it is a drug house. So do I really want to help take Jake to a place where he could just get locked up again? Sometimes life seems very gray with it’s choices. I did not see a yes or no answer. I knew that Jake would be released with or without me, and go home also. I figured if I was there I could encourage him to do the best, pray my heart out, be a solid connect that showed Christ’s love (the local bus system sure can’t do all that *smile*).
You know, I still don’t know if it was right or wrong, and I don’t even know if it was a right or wrong issue. these paradoxes seem to sneak up on me more and more as I grow up. Being in the inner city you know things. you know about kids being beaten and you don’t know if you should call CPS because they are begging you not too because getting beaten sometimes is less frightening than the unknown foster care. Or about those selling drugs–is it my duty to report that? Or lying on their taxes? or stealing anything from socks and CD players or more? or the plan to go “jump” someone? There is alot of talk in the ghetto, and you have to sort the fake from the real and the gossip from the prayer requests and the secrets from the public knowledge. It is quite a needed skill to know what to speak and what to be silent about. please pray for my wisdom. I am so glad I do not have to make these decisions on my own.
Reggie was going to come on Monday, but had to work, so April came. And God SURE KNEW what He was doing. As I picked up Mrs.Bibbs, she called her son, who decided he was coming also. We got in the car and I shared about God giving me the car and we did small talk that I forgot and so on. When Mrs.Bibbs went in to get Jake, we did not realize it would be almost an hour of waiting out in the car. I promise you–those high fences with the round wire stuff look like concentration camps to me. and the cold, windy, rainy day did not help the whole freaky effect.
So, April, Jake’s brother Kevin, and I sat in the car. I really don’t remember much of what we said, but finally Jake came and I took them home. Jake rolled down the window and just could not get enough of just looking at life…at Indianapolis…at everything he had been locked away from. I prayed with April after I dropped off everyone else and at first my prayer was “God, help Jake not go back to boy’s school.” But then I thought about it. goodness–is that the best I think God can do? Is that what success has been reduced to? Sometimes I think that a successful life defined in the ghetto is “managed to stay out of jail.” And that, my friend, is pathetic. suddenly I just wanted a miracle. suddenly I was sick of the level of “normal” around me. I started dreaming and praying that God would not just keep Jake out of jail, but change his life–change it so much that he can reach out to others. Maybe be the next Nicky Cruz or someone famous, or maybe not–but someone that is on fire for God and mature enough in God that he does not have to be served–he is ready to serve. I think there are so many other areas that I settle for so little in that God wants me to dream bigger for.
That evening Jake and Mareeka (his sister) came to the youth center and I ended up taking Mareeka home. Mareeka normally just brushes me off like a piece of lint, but she felt like talking this time. She was telling me about Kevin. It turns out he just got out of jail for attempted murder (among other things) and was the one running the drug selling from their home (yep, the one in my car–I really wish I would have witnessed to him now!). As she spoke, her anger was so really and deep that it seemed to fill the van. She hates him. She wishes he was dead. She said “He has done things to me that some people could not live through. Now, I have not talked about it and I don’t feel like talking about it, but I would laugh if he turned up dead.” I told her that I would pray for her and that I could tell that no matter what horrible things he had done, this anger was eating her up. NO PERSON is worth getting eaten alive by hatred over. Please pray for them: for Kevin, Jake, Mareeka–and their little brother Thomas (he is 9 I think). Mrs.Bibbs works all she can and basically just turns her back on any dirty business going on.
oh! I have a neat story to share. lately we have been having alot of younger kids come to the center. This is a good happy thing, but also means for alot of little management issues as they require what I term “high maintenance” in wanting your attention, getting into trouble, and just plan being kids. There is alittle group of girls that comes, and about three weeks ago, they all raised their hands for salvation and I huddled them into the office and wondered what in goodness to do with them all at once. I knew some of them had recently come forward at a different time, so I started from there and asked what had happened when they came forward. One at a time, they each told me how they had believed Jesus died and rose for them and accepted him as Savior and given Him their lives. So I asked them WHY did they then come forward? Because they did not know if they were going to heaven. hmm. to me, being saved and going to heaven come in one package, but I guess they did not get this. I had one of those “AKKK I forgot all the Scripture I know!” moments, so went to John 3:16 (thank God for that one!). We went over it slowly and focused on “…That whosoever believeth on Him (did you do this? “Yes!” then to YOU it says) should not perish (that means going to hell) but have everlasting life (that means going to heaven).” Not complete theology, but nice for the 8 year old level. but somehow, it still did not click. my goodness, we were in there for awhile as I would ask “So are you going to heaven when you die?” “I don’t know” so we read it again. finally, one girl got it and so I asked again: “Are you going to heaven when you die?” “Yes!” Why? Because Ms.Rachel said so?” “No, because the Bible says so” it was neat to see them understand. Please pray for these girls: Durika, Nyssa, Latisha, and Justine.
I had a really good talk with Destiny. Jasmine’s mom’s car went caplooie and now I have been taking her all the way to Lafayette…making my route at least two hours a day of driving. yep–driving the red van with no horn and a bumb gas tank so you never know when it will run out and that regularly dies on me. But…I have my good talks. Destiny was talking about this boy she liked and how she was trying to be pure and not messing around since we had talked about it and she knew it was wrong. I said something about how I knew it was a struggle and how I had/have struggled and she about fell out of her chair. with a shocked voice that made me laugh so hard she said “What? You liking guys?” I declare, these kids must think I am sub-human or something! Destiny seriously thought that had no struggles with sin and so on…:). I sure set her right. it reminded me of that verse that talks about Jesus being tempted in all points like us, yet without sin–He understands–and that makes such a difference!
I have seen God answer prayer in some really real ways recently..and you know, that is wonderful and amazing. but also scary. Lately I have been so busy. and it is all good things. but I just feel so…full. And I was almost afraid to pray for God to work in my life because I felt like I could not handle God adding anything more to my life. I knew that if I did pray, God would answer it…but it was hard for me to trust that His answer would be good. hmm. How soon we forget God’s goodness. I made a list of all the things I was afraid He would take away or that I did not want to loose. it was a long list: Brasil, future family, relationships, acceptance, encouragement, health, comfort, beauty, grades, respect, kindness, results, expectations, intimacy, understanding, sunshine and wind, privacy, ability and talent, communication, dreams and desires, time, rest and sleep, car, electronics, possessions, money, magazines, books, music, and movies…) nothing on this list was wrong or evil…it is just when I take something and make it my “right” to have it, I put it in front of God and distort the gift from God into an idol.
Psalm 33:13-14 “The Lord looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men. From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth; He fashions their hearts individually; He considers their works.”
May you give Him full control and say “Whatever it takes,”
Rachel
******
my hands are sweaty
I am trembling
because I know
You answer prayer
I am at a place
where I am doing
the things I am to do
and not doing
the things I am not to do
I feel your presence close
we talk throughout the day
I meditate your Scripture
and I am giving love away
Life is wonderful
and I see the sun
through the clouds
but I know there is more
I have reached the edge
of another mountain looming
I look up and see its cliffs
I have finished where I am
and I am restless to move
but it seems to be out of my reach
it is not that there is trouble
it is just that there is no fire
my emotions go from high to low
still you teach me through them all
I am forming godly habits
I am growing in maturity
I feel like I am full to overflowing
and that nothing else could fit
but I need more
I long for more
I want to blaze more
I want to give more
I want to trust more
I want to be enlarged
the next step
is always to give it to You
to let You choose
where to go
I am in the middle of a decision
the eye of the storm is unnerving
and to move I must ask you
to do whatever it takes
the words are so simple
but I am scared
because I don’t know the solution
You will give
my body says I cannot
handle it
I am full up to here
and I don’t want more
because I’ll explode
am I really that faithless
do I really think You would be cruel
do I believe that You would leave me
just when I need You
have I lost sight of Your goodness
have I forgotten the price
You paid for my soul
have I become so busy protecting myself from pain
that I hold out
God, this is it
I am here
naked before you
my heart still shakes
to my shame
but God
I want you to do it
whatever it takes
I want to be empty
I want to feel that freedom
of not weighing a thing
because there is nothing
I want to be an inward vagabond
having no money, no plans, no food, no future
just smiling as I walk in my ragged shoes
it is not easy
but it is wonderful
I want to grab back
even now
I want to hold them safe
in my hands
the struggle inside myself is intense
and one unguarded moment is enough
it is hard to stand vigilant
please God
will You do it for me
whatever it takes
