June 23, 2005
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March 4, 2005
Whew! I missed last week because life seems to be flying! What has thrown me off schedule is that the practicum class I am taking is the equivalent of two or three other classes…something that I did not take into account when figuring out my plans for this semester. But it is good. and I am learning how to be flexible with time I have, and time I don’t have. That is one of the big lessons God has been teaching me. By Thursday last week, I bombed out and everything came to a head and…yeah, there were things going on, but my heart was not in the right place and I was just uptight and short with everyone. It is amazing how people can read me like a book, no matter how hard I try to hide it, I still get everyone coming up to me “What’s wrong Ms.Rachel? Did someone say something? should I beat them up for you?” and so on:).
You know the Hispanic girl I was telling you about? Michelle? Well, after we talked, that Sunday she went forward and accepted Christ as her Savior. We have been talking and playing around, and she had just brightened my days. We played basketball and I won, but she is determined to take me on again (and I am in trouble if she grows any–she is well under 5 feet now).
I have been having some good talks with Isaiah. Mr.James officially decided that Moose and Bugg cannot come to the center anymore, but they can come to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. With Michelle (Mooses sister) not coming (she was kicked out, and now is in the habit of not coming), and the other girls only coming because Michelle or Bugg came, (And Erica moved) From the West side, only Isaiah, Jasmine, and Ramone are coming. It makes for an empty van, but I have found that I have my best talks with the kids while driving. maybe it is because they are afraid for their lives *giggle.* So Isaiah and I had alot of time to talk in the van. I asked him what he thought God wanted for his life, and he looked really surprised. I guess most people only ask “so what are you going to do with your life?” But I was like “well, God’s alot smarter than you, and knows you better, so you better be talking to him about it!” Isaiah is working his community service hours off at the center. He has been doing a great job as I see him vacuuming or scrubbing the floor on his hands and knees. I asked what I could pray for, and he said “I just don’t want to get sent to boys school” because that is what will happen if he gets with the law again. We talked about the two dog story–you know, whichever one you feed wins. He said it made alot of sense. I just hope he follows it.
David came to the youth center on Wednesday with a paper in hand. It was his mother’s obituary. The first thing he did when he came was give it to me to read. I had not seen David in a couple of weeks, but knew his mom was going to die soon. It turns out that his mother died right after I stopped by to pick him up for church. I took him home on Wednesday and was able to talk with him alittle. I asked what his favorite memory of her was, and he said when they all used to go to church together. Before David’s father died, they were a happy family attending church together and doing things together. But he died when David was 10 of cancer, and his mother was never the same. She was soon out and about with different men, drinking and smoking her life away. After his dad died, David moved in with his grandma. I don’t think he and his mother were ever really close after that. I asked David how he and God were doing and he said fine. I had an opportunity to share about another guy at the center whose mother had died, and how he had ran AWAY from God instead of TO Him. I prayed for David before I dropped him off at home.
He came to the center a couple more times last week and was always really open about life. He still seems to be in the numb stage. On Sunday he called up from a funeral home and asked if I could pick him up for church. I guess another lady—not really related to David, but close, died unexpectedly. As we drove to church, we had a great discussion about being ready to die. I shared how two years ago when like 5 people close to me died in less than three months I was holding my hands up in surrender saying “Okay God, who is it going to be next?” And David said that is how he felt. I like how someone said it: “When someone you love dies, it is like walking up a flight of stairs and then suddenly finding one missing.” It shakes your entire world. Things that used to be there are suddenly gone—little things you never thought of before. Like a step out of place.
We have now had two girls Bible studies on Thursdays, and they have been great. Most of all the older girls are not coming anymore (April drops in sometimes, Riketa and Deondra have not come in forever, Ebony and Erica don’t come, Michelle was kicked out, Lamanda, Shannie, and Pookie don’t come because Michelle and Bugg don’t), so we have a new group of younger girls. sometimes I want to throttle them because the maturity is NOT there yet, but they smile and giggle and I have to laugh again and love them more. And, I must say, this group is alot less grumpy and mean on the outside. There is Michelle O. (who just got saved), Amber (a 12 year old from the West side), Erica Patterson (my girl), Jasmine R. (and sometimes Jasmine B.), Clarissa, and Destiny (Erica’s friend who lives on the south side). Please do keep us in prayer–the conference is coming up for the girls, involving alot of planning and money and such. Most of these girls are very young in the Lord and have alot to learn, and a lot of new habits to being.
I have been working on my own habits. Like trying to go to bed by 10. Otherwise I bomb on Thursdays. It has been really good this week because little things would happen and somehow the thought kept coming to me “today you are setting the habits for the rest of your life.” Like when I had to go 20mph on the highway and was late for class because of alittle snow? Well, I asked God “hey, I know there was some purpose for that…please show me what it was.” and that sure helped not getting angry. And smiling at people. I declare, college kids are experts on not looking anyone in the face when they walk around campus! And people are like that alot–guarded. the verse I memorized for class was Genesis 1:27-28, about man being made in God’s image. my application for the verse was that if man was made in God’s image, then they all have worth and are to be respected and even loved (hey–that is a command you know!) so I decided I would try to look as many people in the eye as possible and smile, just as a way of respecting God’s image in that person. it is alot harder than you think. you should try it.
Doing more puts a man in control
Being more puts God in control
Doing more is a safe style for men
being more is risky
Doing more implies there’s an end to it
Being more is a process–fluid and unpredictable
doing more lets a man pick the changes he needs to make
Being more allows God to reveal the changes a man needs to make
Doing more requires trying harder
Being more relies on training humbly
Doing more engenders spiritual pride
Being more produces humility through surrender
Doing more is about correcting behavior patterns
Being more is about connecting with God’s character
Doing more attaches to the public persona
Being more reaches the private self–the man God wants to reach
—Every man, God’s man
isn’t that great? It was from one of those books for men that I figured would work for me too:). I am wading through Leviticus and Numbers in my Bible reading, and don’t really have alot to give you from it. There was one chapter talking about how those born with a birth defect could not serve as priests. I was sorta like “Why God? it is not like they did something to deserve that! that sure isn’t fair!” Well, I still don’t really understand that rule, and maybe I won’t until I get to heaven, but all I know is that if God would not have that person be a priest, He must have had something better for them in some other capacity.
God be with you in busyness and in rest,
Rachel
***
The longing wells up
in my heart
and threatens
to overtake me
anytime I see beauty
it hurts because
everything else
is only average
everytime I see good
it points out
all the bad
that surrounds it
When I hear
of the heroic deeds
part of me wonders
“Where were you
the last time?”
when someone is saved
I think
“where were you
for the last one
who died?”
because no matter
how great a day was
there is always another
because no matter
how many good things happened
there is always more bad
because no matter how many
happy endings
there is more horror stories
because no matter how
loud my heart sings
there is always wrong notes
because no matter how many
steps forward
there is so many more to go
The longing wells up
in my heart
and threatens
to overtake me
I know that somehow
I was made for more
I know that no matter
what people say
there is a heaven
and that’s what
I’m looking for
that’s what I’ve been
longing for
I cannot explain the errors
in this world
I cannot justify the good
with the bad
I cannot even tell you
that I understand
the mingling
but it is just enough
to leave me hopeful
just enough
to reach out for more
just enough
to not be satisfied
just enough
to cry out
I want to be
where the princess
always finds her prince
I want to go
where the orphan
always has a home
I want to see
the ugly dissolve
into beauty
I want to hear
the laughter never fade
I am headed
to where
the adventure
never ends
the food never
gets cold
where right is right
and never confused
where the first choice
is always the correct choice
to where the words
are never forgotten and
the song goes on forever
The longing wells up
in my heart
and threatens
to overtake me
I know that somehow
I was made for more
I know that no matter
what people say
there is a heaven
and that’s what
I’m looking for
that’s what I’ve been
longing for
***
