June 23, 2005
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February 13, 2005
why is it that you can be instant friends with some people in two minutes and for others, well, a connection never seems to be made? is there something wired inside us that like a magnet attracts us and repels us to certain people? I would say I am a loner. I am friendly and open to people, but these that are deep inside my heart are few and far between. As for socialization–well, I could take it or leave it. I don’t like to be dependent of people–for the good and the bad of it. Maybe that is what bothers my sister about me not borrowing her things and not wanting her to borrow mine:).
I make a point to try to get along with everyone, and normally, that is not too hard. Some are hard to continue loving, but if God made them, there there is something there to love. I seem to have a drive within me that wants everyone to like me and I even enjoy the challenge when they don’t–the challenge to at least make them tolerable. But every once in awhile there comes along someone that I really click with. normally, I don’t even have to talk with them–suddenly it just enters my mind that we are “cool” with each other and will always be “cool.” I don’t know how I know this, I just do. and that happened with Javon.
Javon is 4 and at the preschool–St.Mary’s–that I work 9 hours a week at for my practicum class at Ivy Tech. Javon does not talk much, so when he does talk, I have to document it for the records (no joke–they keep alot of records at St.Mary’s!). It is just little stuff. like when we line up, he takes my hand, when I sit down, he sits down next to me. He will be doing something across the room and will look up at me and we will smile because we both know everything is good.
And then there is another phenomenon. I feel alittle weird writing about it because I have never had someone else talk about this…but when Javon was practicing his letters, I looked at him and suddenly my heart hurt. Javon did not tell me anything was wrong, I have no idea what is going on at his home–I know nothing–but I started praying for him and was like “God, why am I hurting? why does my heart suddenly ache like this?” I don’t get it, and maybe I never will, but it is sorta like I was bearing some of his pain.
I don’t know if God works like that, but I know that different times when I was hurting, there would be people who would not say anything, but just…feel with me–and carry some of my pain away. I wonder if it is part of a spiritual gift–pain-bearing? well, that sounds depressing. but if I can just sit there and help this 4 year old without words, then I am glad to do it–yes, even honored. I play with him and when he smiles it just makes my day. please pray for Javon.
There was this song I heard that sorta talks about this. it was about this person going into a restaurant and seeing another person hurting at the next table and saying “My heart goes out to you–and I don’t even know you…” maybe it is a God thing. Here is a God-thing, because I know it was not me: I was going 60 mph in a 50 zone (yes, I feel very guilty…in my defense, I thought it was a 55) and suddenly a truck barrels past and around me, making sure his middle finger was properly pointed up in my direction. I guess I was not going fast enough for him. but you know what I did? first I laughed, because if that trucker is going to get so ticked over me going 60, think of all the other issues he has in his life? And then I thought “goodness, I feel so sorry for him. I need to pray for him because you know his life is messed up if his anger is off the handle at me for that.” don’t you always wonder about the rest of the story with people? there will always be a part of the story you never know–so we should always be ready to give grace for that unknown.
Was that me talking?
you KNOW God must be working in me!:)
Thursday I got to take the girls to a valentine’s day party that the Sunday school ladies class threw for us. It was so much fun! On penalty of death for any damages, I was allowed to drive the new white van from the mission, and we were bumping our church songs and having a good time while all the girls were positive I was going to kill us all;). they enjoy knocking my driving immensely, and I enjoy playing along. Even Pookie got into it and everyone was giggling and enjoying the time. A school teacher from Tech (where alot of the kids go to high school) spoke to us and was so sweet–she really impacted the girls. We decorated cookies (I have been christened with a new nickname: “white chocolate”), had pizza, and were each given some candy and a rose. it was lovely.
But please pray for Kiera. She just started coming with Mya, her cousin, and is 12. She is trouble. I got to know her last week, and after getting kicked out, she really wanted to come back. I want to be open and help her out, but her attitude and disrespect (for shockingly, everyone but me–somehow she listens to me) for others is marking strikes against her. She goes to the Kingdom Hall, but does not really know much about it except there is food and games (this seems to be the view of many kids I know from many different churches!). and there is definitely a wall there. I really want to reach out to her, but I just don’t know if she can keep coming to center if she is going to cause so much trouble.
The Patterson’s are back at the youth center! I am so excited! those are my kids–my babies:) as I’ve called them. Erica is so excited and just fun to be around–she blesses me so much. My friend’s church donated some money for Christmas, but I was not able to get with the Patterson’s until this weekend. So I took them all out yesterday to the mall. it was great. First we went to the dollar store so they could get some basic things then needed (like deodorant and batteries and stuff) before we got the “fun” stuff. We walked around and played and laughed and had a great time. After I took the boys home, Erica spent the night over at our house. I asked her what the best part of the night was (thinking for sure it was that she had money to spend) and she said “oh, it was when we were messing around and I whipped my hair grease on your face!”
giggle* It struck me that it was not the money, it was the TIME. It was that time they needed. We would be walking and I would suddenly find Erica’s arm around me, or Eric holding my hand. Devon would yell out “hey Ms.Rachel! Come look at this!” Andrew (who is 14 and way too old for that kind of stuff *groan) even would walk with his hand on my shoulder. it was great fun–another one of those times where you try to bless others and get more blessed yourself.
Valentine’s day is tomorrow, so I am giving you a quote about true love that I read:
“Some of you are saying “that is not me! I think it (my dating relationship) is gonna last because I love her. The way I feel is amazing!” Okay, I’ll give you that. you do FEEL like it will last forever, so lets talk about that feeling. you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you get butterflies in her presence, your palms sweat. you feel like a total dork and it feels great. Newsflash for you: this isn’t love. It’s somebody else besides your mother thinking you are cool. and it’s an amazing feeling. Don’t get me wrong. I dig it just as much as you do. but don’t confuse the feeling with love. love doesn’t feel all mushy. love isn’t sweaty palms and sleepless nights. love is a decision you make to care for someone no matter how you feel. if they are disfigured in an accident or throwing up for hours on end, you will still love them.” —Justin Lookadoo (yep, that is really his name:)!)
Guess what? Exodus 33 is one of my favorite chapters. yep. you should look them up. God tells Moses that He is not going with them into the promised land because if He did, He’d kill ‘em all because they were so stiff-necked. Moses is like “if You don’t go, I don’t go.” God says in Exodus 33:17 “…I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in my sight, and I know you by name.”
I want God to know me by name! After that Moses then asks to see God. And God passes by and lets Moses see His back. The next chapter talks about how Moses’s face shone because he was in God’s presence. I wrote a not in my Bible “Why did Moses face ever stop shining?” because it never talks about his face shining later on. Doesn’t that make you think? I mean, you have these “mountain top” experiences, and it is like Moses’ shining face–but then, sometimes you don’t even notice it–and you are in the valley and you have no idea how to be excited about God or anything because life is BLAH. something inside of me wants to know that Moses’ face never stopped shining. I want to know that I can go on forever in the closeness and “on fire” feeling for God without stopping. I don’t know.
God bless you. May your heart belong completely to Him.
Rachel
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“it’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” –Teddy Roosevelt
