June 24, 2005

• June 22, 2005
  I felt so lost. I had life standing before me today and I had so much I wanted to do, but then nothing. my life is changing into something I do not realize and I do not know what to pack for the journey. I do not know what I will need. I love being outside because I feel closer to all that I love–and I am going to board a plane and go thousands of miles away? I don’t know what I am feeling, but I am filled so full of feelings that I am discombobulated and I don’t know where to go. so instead of doing anything I do nothing. the days pass so quickly. and I stop a moment to enjoy their beauty. I don’t remember doing that alot in the past, but lately it is a major part of my life. I feel silence so loudly.
  
  I found out that one of my girls has been sleeping with her boyfriend. after working in the inner city for so long, I have really mellowed out on so many things. it is funny to see Ms. Elizabeth act like I used to when I started working…now I wonder how I could have survived with not rolling with the punches! Speaking of punches, Ms.Elizabeth got a shiner from the kids on the busride home from camp. I don’t know how she handles things so well. She rode up and picked up the kids, but because of traffic, they were delayed two hours–making it five hours on the bus with 40 screaming, overtired kids. And so many of them did not care what was going on, and told her that as soon as they stopped, they would run away. so she told the bus driver not to stop…including bathroom breaks. The kids were screaming about having to use it, and one girl (Tyray’s little sister) tried to jump out the window (of the moving bus!) Ms.Elizabeth stopped her, only to have the girl turn around and bust her one in the eye! yikes. I think actually it is something that is beginning to make Ms.Elizabeth “one of us.” Sorta like how freshman initiation works. the kids seem to show more respect.
  
  But one thing I have not mellowed out on is the girls and their purity. When this girl told me, I was not surprised because I had noticed her attitude around boys. I tried to be calm about it…but I just cannot get her off my mind. She asked for prayer, so please do pray for this unnamed girl. she is open in so many areas of her life–but boys are like an addiction with her–a habit built into her life after years of experience. She really does not even see it when I talk to her about it.
  
  Dennavious stopped to say hi. He is looking for a new job. his life seems to consist of getting a job, keeping it long enough to make some money, and then quitting and bumming through life until he runs out of money. So he is in the “I need money” stage. it is so hard to watch him build these patterns into his life. Pookie, Bugg’s very pregnant boyfriend, came to the center today and gave me a big hug. She is due the 4th of July. Please keep that baby in prayer. What a world he/she is entering into.
  
  Reggie drove by yesterday. he turned down his music long enough to tell me that his life was crummy with God. neither one of us had much to say after that. What else is there to say? But I asked him to tell April to stop by. April quit her job at Village Pantry (I think it freaked her out more than she admits when she was held at gunpoint and robbed.) because she is taking a nurses aid training class. Her class has been over a month, all day long and she is finishing it on Friday. I am so proud of her! She walked in with her white scrubs on and her new white puppy and I just said “April, you encourage me so much.” she asked why and I said because everyone else tells me what they are going to do with their life, but April, she just does it. Life isn’t just talk with April. To see her with her puppy, begin responsible, getting training and skills to actually get a good job in life…wow.
  
  There have been alot of kids saved at camp. It has been neat to talk with them. There was not alot to do at work today. All the kids are gone at teen camp, so we only have some younger kids or newer kids who are not very open. I started asking some about them and God and almost every one that had been at camp gave me a clear testimony of being saved there. awesome. there are 100+ kids there now, so please continue to keep them in prayer.
  
  Dante’s mom called me today and asked if someone could give Dante some counseling, so Mr.Mike and Mr.James talked with him. Dante has been going through alot of questioning lately. One time when we talked he told me he had spent the whole previous night awake thinking. He is going to college in the fall and still having questions about what it takes to be an adult…to be a man. He is a deep thinker who feels things deeply. On Saturday there was a drive-by, and two guys were killed–not even the ones intended on being shot. One of those guys was a boy that grew up with Dante–one of his best friends since 7th grade. They went to the funeral yesterday. As Mr.Mike was talking to Dante, I talked with his mom as she waited. she said that she had never seen Dante cry like that before. ever. As she told me, she began to cry and she said simply “You know how some people can feel things? I am one of them. when someone is going through something, I feel the pain too.” then I started to tear up. because yeah, so am I.
  
  you may think it is silly. maybe my whole theory is off. but this is what I think. I think I have one of the most easiest lives of anyone I know. no traumatic childhood experiences, no big physical problems or pains, two parents who love me, two siblings that I get along with great, a beautiful home with a mom who cooks and does my laundry for me, and a family that loves me living with them. There is no one (as far as I know) in my life that hates me, and I get along with everyone. I have a car given to me, and I am going to school to do things I love, and I have a job that I love…and did I say that I am following the desire of my heart and getting to see my dreams come true and go to Brasil? anything else? it almost makes me sick when I think of all I have. I am so blessed. And I wonder if I am blessed so that I can bear with others. Working at the center for three years, I feel like I have felt more pain than alot of people do in 10. So many kids, and each one with pain and circumstances that they should never be in.
  
  It kills me that Dante is going through this…not just the death of a close friend, but the streets–his mom said he knows things…about the shooting, about who did it and who it was meant for…but he simply says “oh, the police don’t care, no one cares…” because it’s the streets. that is life. that is what happens and they are expected to think it is normal. They are expected to go to the mall and airbrush alittle “RIP” shirt with their name on it–or go out and buy a gun and get even. They are expected to anything but wake up and realize that there is more to life than the streets.
  
  Please pray for Dante. He is supposed to come and talk to the kids sometime about what is going on and what he has learned. He knows so much, he just has to apply it. and he is hurting right now, so it does not matter how much he knows…knowledge does not stop the pain. it does not make it go away. often it only mocks the ache. Also pray for Dante’s mom. I consider it an honor to bear the pain with these kids…but I know I do not feel it like a mother feels it for her children.
  
  Your C.S.Lewis inspiration for today:
  
  “God can away in man, towards himself, a supernatural appreciative love. This is of all gifts most to be desired…with this all things are possible. And with this, where a better book would begin, mine must end…God knows, not I, if I have ever tasted this love…those like myself whose imagination far exceeds their obedience are subject to a just penalty; we easily imagine conditions far higher than we have really reached…perhaps for many of us, experience merely defines, so to speak, the shape of that gap where our love of God ought to be…to know that one is dreaming is to be no longer perfectly asleep.”
  
  I received an e-mail today that said I was going to be the director of the English camp–well, the English teaching part of it. That means for decisions on teaching and organizing all the Americans, people will be looking to me…and at me. yikes. I am honored and excited…and very scared. That is alot of responsibility, and I want to do it so well. Please pray for me! I really am at the point where my inadequacy is blinking bright red warning lights.
  
  Acts 4:19-20 “…Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you more than to God, you judge. For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.”
  
  Rachel
  
  ps–yes, I know I am using my old address…my addresses are still not converted to my new one yet, so hang with me as I get used to my NEW addy: amobrasil99@hotmail.com
  
  
  

  • 11:30 am
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