March 27, 2005

A special thing God did for me this week I have to share is about my taxes. I decided to do them myself this year, and I filled out the paper work and checked over my little boxes multiple times. I had a nice sized rebate coming to me, or so my little boxes said. I got my letter back from the IRS saying that I had done my boxes wrong and actually owed them $.04–but considering the minimum amount, they were *gracious* enough to forgive my mistakes and call everything even. yikes. I must admit this was a pound to my heart and tight-fisted finances. My parents just got their taxes worked through, and showed the lady my papers. She said to call them, because I should get my rebate. Well, a call and half and hour on hold later, I found out that I had, in fact, done my little boxes correctly and the government apologized and “the check is in the mail.” praise the Lord!

 

Things are going well at the youth center. Mr.Peter (the past youth director) has a brother (Mr.Mike–who worked at the center last summer) who is going to start working at the youth center next Monday, and that will a blessing. Mr.James was sick most of this week, so alot of the time at the center involved general management rather than in-depth discipleship.

 

Last Wednesday one of the kids hid in the youth center while everyone left for church. they forced open the office door, stole some money from the cash box from the little store we run, and then ran out the front door. Considering I empty it out each night and the kid left all the change and three dollar bills, they could not have gotten more than 10-15$. What was ironic was that in the desk drawer was almost $100 dollars that I had carefully put in envelopes for Mr.James to deposit. The kids all had one guy pegged for doing it, since he had been bragging about doing something of the short, but I am not sure if it was him or who it was. But the consequences were yucky. Now a staff member has to run the store…and all the money, keys, and video games have to be stored in the safe. ugg. this safe is impossible. it has four different numbers with different amounts of turning in between them and my mind goes insane. I mean, I took me almost a year to memorize the youth center phone number! I am just NOT good with numbers. I have slight dyslexia with them sometimes, and that does not help either.

 

The girls are doing well, but please pray for Michelle J. as she came on Tuesday and then said she was not coming anymore. I asked her what was wrong, and she said that someone had been talking about her behind her back. she was deeply hurt.

 

Lately I have been noticing more and more how we are under spiritual attack. It seems like flaming arrows are thrown in all directions all day, every day. These kids do not realize how their words are affecting people. Toward me, unkind things have always been said. this may be a careless “you are so ugly” or “you are LD” that they seriously do not mean to the  ”I hate you, get away from me” or “you are fake” meant to hurt me so that I can join them in their misery and pain that fills their hearts. I went off on one of the guys who just simply criticizes me on a regular basis…but God gave me the grace to apologize–and it was so beautiful. I thought he was going to shrug it off like most of them do “oh, it does not matter, whatever,” but he was like “oh, I forgive you Rachel” with a smile. it was good.

 

but you know, I am through feeling guilty that I am hurt by these remarks–and I am through trying NOT to hurt from these remarks–they are words that Satan uses to hurt, and the uses them again when I try to hide or burry the pain. I am told by the world that I am just “too sensitive” when in actuality, I hurt for the simple reason that I am in a battle and was given wounds that are bleeding. Pain is not the problem, it is just revealing that there is a problem–and my problem is Satan. When these words are spoken, it is my cue to be spiritually ready with the Sword–the Word–the Truth. The truth is I am not those things. I am precious in God’s sight. But my heart aches because if it is taking me this long and this much pain (and the battle is not over) to realize I need to take these criticism to God instead of ignoring them, then think of my girls…think of all my kids who are being pounded with wounds from every direction…so much so that they think that is normal. that is their reality. they don’t even know how to dream of a world where those insults and “joking put-downs” are not a part of it. please pray spiritual protection for my kids. please pray that I would stand up and fight for myself and for them.

 

This verse meant SO much to me as I read it in a book: “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. after that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.” John 13:3-5  Jesus knew where he had come from and where he was going. He wants us to know the same. wow. and because He knew–He served, He died…He rose. Happy Easter.

 

Rachel

 

I have raved about how wonderful “Wild at Heart” is, and I still will, but the author and his wife have now written a book for women (“Wild at Heart” is about a man’s heart) called “Captivating.” SUPER. This is how the it ends:

 

“As a woman who has been ransomed and redeemed, you can be strong and tender. You speak to the world of God’s mercy, mystery, beauty, and his desire for intimate relationship. You are inviting; you can risk being vulnerable, offering the weight of your life as well as your need for more because you are safe in God’s love. You labor with God to bring forth life–in creativity, in work, in others. Your aching, awakening heart leads you to the feet of Jesus, where you wait on him and wait for him. The eyes of his heart are every upon you. The King is captivated by your beauty. We need you. We need you to awaken to God more fully and to awaken to the desire of the heart that he placed within you so that you will come alive to him and to the world that is yours to play. perhaps you are meant to be a concert musician  or a teacher…perhaps you are to be an activist for the poor or aged or ill. you are certainly called to be a woman, wherever he leads you. That is crucial…whatever your particular calling, you are meant to grace the world with your dance, to follow the lead of Jesus wherever he leads you. he will lead you first to Himself; and then, with Him, He will lead you into the world that he loves and needs you to love. It is by invitation.”

 

April 4, 2005

Ola Pessoas!:)

 

Last week I enjoyed the other half of my spring break, and what a week to enjoy. Wednesday I officially declared to be the first day of sandals. I got to spend extra time with John and Anna, riding bikes and bouncing on the trampoline. As I was enjoying Wednesday’s sun, I rashly said “if the weather is nice, we can have a picnic tomorrow!” In John’s 5 year old brain, “if” is quickly lost, and all Thursday morning he was begging me for our picnic. So, on a very windy and cloudy Thursday, we sniffled and bundled up for our picnic:).

 

It was God’s blessing for the extra time, because something big happened. When I came home from work on Wednesday, mom told me that Aunt Susie had passed away. I had been on emotional highs and lows the whole day and then suddenly everything “me” melted away and I saw the bigger picture. isn’t it amazing how we can get so wrapped up in ourselves so quickly? Death is something so quiet. It numbs you. It is like a dull throb that escalates without you knowing it and then fades into my heartbeat. Soon it becomes part of your life. But at odd moments, you feel the pangs again.

 

Aunt Susie was my mom’s sister. She was 60 years old. For all my memories, she was either in bed or in a wheelchair with her arms crossed saying “whatever” and finishing the ends of old songs. She had Multiple Sclerosis (sp?). My mom has told me of different stories about Aunt Susie. They believe it was a polio shot she received that gave her MS. She was around 18 when the symptoms started showing. Even with her body failing, she was so smart that she still finished college in five years. wow. It was hard on Aunt Susie. She had to live watching her body deteriorate. she had to live knowing that she would never live a “normal” life–knowing that all her dreams of a career, her own family, a home…would never come true. I can’t imagine. But there was a definite time where Aunt Susie met with God. I don’t know what all happened, but Aunt Susie found peace. I felt peaceful being around her. Everyone at the nursing home loved Aunt Susie. She was kind. Kindness is a quality missing most places, and the sad thing is, we have grown to not expect it. So Aunt Susie was fresh air. I am so happy for Aunt Susie. I wonder what her first steps after 40 years were like. I bet she is singing the whole song instead of just the end of all those “oldies” she loved. But most of all, she sees the smile of God. And she can run to Him–heck, I bet she can fly to Him.

 

you know what is so neat? I get to teach the 1-3rd graders at church. I love it. and this week’s lesson was on Christ’s return. We were talking about heaven, and when I shared about Aunt Susie, I had 15 kids staring at me with total attention. They looked sad when they heard of her getting MS…they looked excited when I started talking about heaven…it is so REAL. heaven, I mean. We hardly ever look or think about it. or imagine it. and how much we miss.

 

God has been working in my life on many areas where I am deficient. One is in blessing my family. With being busy, they are the first to be pushed aside for my papers due, or kids in trouble. With Aunt Susie dying I especially felt so inadequate to help or comfort or say anything. But God made a way for me to bless mom in a little way–in the mornings I work out at the gym, and now I am taking John. This is pretty interesting, to see him jog laps with me. The other people grin and think it is pretty funny. He has his one weight machine in the corner that is slightly broken, so he can manipulate it easily. he is so proud of himself, coming up to me umpteen times saying “Rachel! I am 27 82 (or some number that pops in his head) strong! watch me!” it is neat. He recently drew a picture of a prince (that was him) and had mom write on it something about “king daddy, princess mom, princess Anna, and knight Rachel” *giggle* I have decided it was a promotion, not a demotion to be knighted–since there were already so many princesses.

 

Things are going well at the youth center. Last week I was really convicted about the need for spiritual protection, and more prayer. We have set aside Tuesday afternoons for everyone to come in alittle early so we can pray together as a staff. Also, since I have all that *glorious* time in the red van, I have been using that time to pray specifically for the kids and spiritual protection. I feel so much more peace at the youth center! It is not that the kids have stopped being mean or cruel, or act any differently…it just feels more restful. thank you Lord!

 

I had opportunities to talk with almost each girl this week about witnessing and salvation. being in the position that I am and knowing the girls as I do, I don’t really beat around the bush. I have found that most of my best talks come from when I just walk up and say “so what haven’t you gotten baptized yet?” or “say I am dying and I am not saved–what are you going to say to me?” or something like that. Maybe I am getting used to the inner city way of upfrontness. Most of the girls clearly know how they were saved, but as soon as it comes to talking to others about it, the facts become all mixed up and their mouths don’t work (sound familiar anyone?). It was good talking to them. Ebony’s first answer was “I would take them into the office and make them repeat after me” and Clarissa was determined that she would just find me or a pastor and make us talk to them instead, since “we could do it so well.” hmm. but I think the funniest conversation was with Michelle O. She was not sure what to say and was fumbling around when Andrew came up and started answering for her. I then played the devil’s advocate and asked questions like “but I am not a sinner, why do I need to go to hell?” and stuff. Donald, who happened to be serving a free time next to us sits up and is almost falling out of his seat going “let me answer! I know!” by the time the three of them got through “evangelizing” me, it was a pretty good presentation of the gospel:). ahh. I love it.

 

Please keep the girls in prayer. Almost all of the girls at the youth center have been saved, but not followed the Lord in baptism. I got all kinds of excuses from “I don’t want to drown” to “I don’t like water” to “I don’t know anyone at that church.” Aside from the irrelevant drowning issues, there is the church issue. We take the kids to Faith Baptist Church in Avon, which is like 45 minutes away. it is a great church that has welcomed us and all our issues. Unfortunately, the past month there was a problem with the youth pastor and some of our older kids and the result was we are not attending on Wednesday. this greatly cripples our church ministry. And it also has affected the kids and their openness. I am hoping to have a Sunday soon where I have a class or something on baptism and personal talks with the girls and then have all those that are willing to be baptized. Please pray for all the little things that need to go into this. Clarissa, Ebony, Dabrittnay, Michelle O., and Vicky all are especially ready to be baptized–and I think it is a vital next step in their spiritual growth.

 

Another area that God has been challenging me on this semester is reaching out to college students. where some people think inner city kids are scary, I think college students are infinitely more scary. I have been learning to not have the fear of man in this area, and let me tell you, it is still a struggle. I was really challenged by the preaching yesterday. It just became really clear that God has a life purpose written on each of our hearts. This is the most glorious thing ever. And from that life purpose, He has planned ministries for each of us. A believer without a ministry somewhere to someone is a believer that is missing out on life. God just seems to be showing me how glorious it is to have ministry stemming out of each part of my life. And He is showing me how to do it–like using gym time to give mom time with God. Or, like I was convicted of on Sunday, to use going to three different colleges as time and opportunity to bless others. I am still pretty shy at this, so my first step was to make fliers I can put up, inviting people to our church. I made them yesterday and it was loads of fun. I find it such a paradox that I could enjoy SO much doing more. when I try this on my own, I get burnt out so quickly, but God’s way–it all fits.

 

“Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road; make me a fork, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me.” –Jim Elliot

 

I just thought that might bless you as it did me. ahh.

 

“Give to everyone that asks of you. And from him who takes away your goods do not ask them back. And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise. But if you love them who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same…but love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High. For He is kind to the unthankful and evil.” Luke 6:30-35

 

Rachel

 

From the movie “Rudy:”

 

Father Cavanaugh: Taking your appeal to a Higher Authority?

Rudy: I am desperate. If I don’t get in next semester, I am over. Done.

FC: well, you’ve done an incredible job, lad, chasing your dream

Rudy: I don’t care what kind of a job I did. if it doesn’t produce results, it doesn’t mean anything

FC: I think you’ll discover that it will

Rudy: Maybe I haven’t prayed enough

FC: I don’t think that is your problem. Praying is something we do on our time. The answers come in God’s time.

Rudy: Have I done everything I can? Will you help me?

FC: Son, in thirty-five years of religious studies, I’ve come up with only two incontrovertible facts: there is a God, and I am not Him.

 

 March 21, 2005

Last week was my spring break, but that basically just mean “catch up time.” And since we also had the girls God Squad conference, it meant things were still their normal crazy. But, my mornings of extra sleep and time with God were SO wonderful.

 

Monday and Tuesday Ms.Elizabeth took the girls to the activities for the conference. They went to the Training center (where I had lived and worked with Juvenile delinquents) and had a great time, and also to Mrs.Wood’s house and the Outback steakhouse. I had never been to outback steakhouse, but the girls wanted to try it–unfortunately, the one we picked when they went was full of smoke and the girls came back asking me if I was trying to kill them or something. so next time we will try something different. But they did like the food:).

 

Before we left on Wednesday, I walked out of the office to hear Jasmine B. cussing. ugg. She had just made a decision on Tuesday to be honest and stop lying and it was a great spiritual high…and then this. I brought her in the office and it turned out that at school some girl had hit her, she hit the girl back, the teacher got involved and I believe Jasmine also hit the teacher. She came to the center and of course everyone already knew about it and they were talking about it, saying she had gotten beat up…blah blah. and she lost it. we had a good talk and she calmed down quickly. I told her that not only had she sinned against God, but every single person out there knew she was saved and representing God…and many of the girls looked up to her. I knew I could not let this slide, so I took her home and asked her to spend some time with God to make a game plan for what she was going to do when people started rapping about the fight–because they will be talking about it for weeks, and that is a fact. I always feel so horrible when one of my girls messes up.

 

Wednesday I took the girls shopping for things for others. As we went in, I asked them to think of what made them feel loved, and find ways to do that for their parents and people who have influenced their lives. We got flowers and cards and sat down to sign all the cards when Michelle O. looked up at me and said “Ms.Rachel, I just feel like crying.” We had been having a wonderful time goofing around at Target and laughing and so I was surprised and asked why. “Because this is the first time I have written a thank you note to my mom.” that really hit me. You know, it is not natural to think of others. You don’t suddenly wake up and say “oh, I wonder how I can make everyone happy today!” no, our default setting is ourselves. How incredible to be able to there with these girls and show them the joy of giving. After that we went to church and then I took them home. The whole time they were serving others–thinking of others–and you know what? they loved it.

 

This group of girls might be younger and more immature, but it is sorta like going into a preschool classroom compared to a high school classroom. In preschool the kids are learning from everything–every moment they experiment and laugh and learn…yeah, they are messy, and loud and squirmy, but you could spend a week expounding on something as simple as “rain” or “snow,” and only scratch the surface. In high school you are lucky to get in a ten minute gap where they actually look you in the eye. This conference was not as fun as the first one, or as close bonding as the second, but we sure did learn the most. Each thing that happened was a learning experience, from talking to a lady half drunk to discussions about ghosts and singing at the top of our lungs through downtown.

 

Thursday we came to my house and mom spoke to the girls. we had Bible study right after going to the gym at the university, so they were all tired and I have never seen them so quiet:)! It was great. One of the things my mom did was give out journals to the girls–but we were one short. I quietly asked Jasmine R. if she would mind waiting until I could get her another one. Not only did she smile and say that was fine, but she looked at me and said “Rachel, I am so glad that you felt you could come to me.” She has grow enough maturely that she not only enjoys giving, but she sees the value and honor that giving is! wow! what a lesson to me.

 

Friday was our special day. it was when we got to take our *signature* trip (we do it every time) to Golden Corral–and not just anyone, the one in Greenwood that has super good cooks. we were all starving ourselves for it. Now, before I begin, I must tell you that seven girls are not really quiet. Especially not at a buffet. But then, no one is really quiet at a buffet. As everyone went to get out of the van (yes, my honking red van that stuck wayyyyyyy out of the parking spot), Amber refused to get out and had her “grumpy look” on. I promise you, inner city girls have perfected the art of the “grumpy look.” ugg. it turns out that Amber did something to Destiny so Destiny did something back…and now Destiny apologized but Amber refused. I sent everyone else in and sat in the van talking to Amber. Amber is also a new Christian. it soon became clear that it was not an issue about Destiny, it was an issue that Amber just did not want to forgive. I guess you can put forgiveness on that list of things that is not in our default system. it is not natural. And Amber had not learned it at all. It was amazing to talk to her as I watched her face realize that she needed to forgive. It was hard–it was against everything she had been taught–to get even, to punish the person by ignoring them, to gossip about them. She sat there and cried because everything in her said she should hold on to her grudge, but she saw clearly from Scripture that as God has forgiven her, she has to forgive others (I shared that one parable about the man being forgiven a million dollars then going after the guy for his 20$). it took her awhile, but as she prayed for our “Bible study” later, she said “Thank you for helping me forgive Destiny, and I am sorry for my part.” this may seem like something super little to you, but in reality it is colossal!!! This is the first time Amber has learned how to forgive.

 

We enjoyed our food and were beginning to stuff ourselves over capacity when the family behind us stood up to leave and the older man said “you are too d— loud!” and left. shock. while they were there, they did not say ANYTHING to us. We were loud–but not in any abnormal way–we laughed and took pictures and spilled a drink (hey, it’s life)…but did nothing unkind or yelling. Michelle was especially incensed. I told them to calm down, because people did things all the time that were wrong and we needed to respond correctly to it. They did become even more quiet after that. Five minutes or so later, we see the same man staring at us through the window. ugg. the girls dubbed him “old man rivers” and the manager walked up. With a not-so-nice, very condescending attitude he says “I have been getting complaints from people that you are being too loud. you need to be quiet.” I told him that we would be quiet and he backed away, watching us from always down. it was then that we looked around and realized that there was only one other family sitting in our whole section. I apologized to them for being loud and they said “oh, you are no problem, you are not being loud.” that made me feel better, but the manager was not seating anyone in our section although there was a line out waiting through the door!

 

The girls talked about it and are really feeling just depressed now. And then the manager walks up again, sits at the table next to us and says to me “am I going to have to sit here and baby-sit you? You have to be quiet!” now, let me tell you–by this time we had become as quiet as seven inner city girls could have been. And I KNOW we were not any louder than anyone else in that building. oh my goodness. The girls all put down their food and said “Ms.Rachel, can we go now?” now they are not mad or upset, just dejected. part of me is rebelling because I know we are being treated unfairly and should stay just to prove our point, but…what point would we prove? after a few minutes of a leering manager, we got our things and left. although I don’t like to cry “racism” because I think it is way overused, there is nothing else I can put it too as we were the only multi-racial group in the building. it hurt me deeply because these were my girls. Some people think that I could not understand the feeling because I am white, but I could because I am human, and they were treating other humans that way.

 

We sat in the van in the parking lot and the girls had alot of choice things to say about “old man rivers.” we stayed in the parking lot for awhile as I figured now was as good a time to have a Bible study as any. I read in Matthew where it says to bless those that curse you and so on. I read it and stopped to ask what it meant. they did not get it. I read it again, and they did not WANT to get it–because it meant THEY had do something about it. I love it when you can so clearly see something you gotta do–written out black and white on the paper of God’s Word. We talked about it and then I asked, so what are we going to do? “forgive old man rivers?” yep. Michelle was our holdout “no! that is not right!” so we talked about forgiveness again, and Amber smiled knowingly. Then I suggested that we should pray for him. again, another round of objections. Erica lead us in prayer, praying mostly for God to “get” him and teach him not to do that again. After much convincing, Michelle also prayed. It was good. It was a life lesson that we went from OUR way of thinking to God’s way. and I will tell you what, it sure was God’s grace working in me to not go off myself. whew! because it burned in me.

 

As we drove to downtown, Jasmine B. asked if she could do a “Bible study” I said sure, and asked her to go over all we had learned this past week. She went over each night, asking the girls what parts stood out to them and so on–it was awesome to listen to! it made me burst my buttons. At the end, she shared how we had to be witnesses at school. Destiny said that she was scared to pass out tracts because no one else was, and so Jasmine asked each girl to commit to passing out tracts because it was something they needed to do–and they all did. Ms.Elizabeth and I are just grinning out heads off–because sure, we could have asked them to do that–but how much more effective was it that one of them would, and they all agree on it themselves?

 

We went to our surprise, which none of the girls knew was a carriage ride downtown. of course, I had forgotten that March Madness had started and everyone and their brother were there. God just *happened* to provide a parking spot in the mall (the cheapest place) on the one floor that could fit oversized vans RIGHT NEXT TO the elevators. That just is so God. We walked to the circle and I took their picture on the steps as Ms.Elizabeth finalized everything and we were ready to go…well, almost. as soon as I told them what we were doing, they were excited, but Destiny sat down on the steps and cried. I am thinking “my word, can’t ONE THING go right this whole evening?” Somehow, she got it in her head that it is cruel and unusual punishment to make horses pull carriages. I am trying to patiently explain to her that horses have ALWAYS been doing this and it is natural and fine and they take care of the horses…blah blah, while the carriage people nicely wait. She flat out refused to get on the torture device. finally, the driver comes over and begins telling her that this horse works 4 days, 6 hours a day, gets 4 meals, has 9 miles of land to run on, and  even gets weekly visits from the cyropractor. this horse is treated better than me for goodness sakes! I am getting desperate by now, and the girls come over and convince her to get on, tears still streaming and all. grr.

 

the ride was nice, and we waved at everyone and many waved back. about half way through the ride, Destiny forgot her convictions and was waving along side the rest of us. it was all good. We walked back, singing “I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N” and other fun songs through downtown. It was great. I crawled into bed after getting home late (as each night) and sighed. I was glad it was over, and we sure did hit alot of speed bumps–but I think it was those same bumps that made the conference what it was.

 

For me, something special this week was getting to catch up on things and friendships. My friend Sara was in from college and it was great to spend time with her. Thursday and Friday were so pretty outside and made me feel like I was going burst because I was so happy. God has brought me to see alot of things in me and then brings me back to “So you said ‘whatever it takes?’ well, here is your chance.” just little things like critisism–yeah it hurts, yeah, it may even be unfair–but what am I going to do about it? Being treated kindly is on my list of things I have to give to God. i cannot change what people do to me, only my response back.

 

“For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light.” Psalm 36:9

 

Rachel

 

****

I hide behind

a stoic face

thinking I’ll

deceive everyone

 

I hold in

my emotions

thinking that

if they can’t escape

they can’t affect

anyone

 

I cover

my mouth

thinking that as long

as the words are

not spoken

they will not be true

 

I think

I have every corner

blocked

every entrance

barricaded

and I will not

be invaded

 

only to find

the intruder

was me

 

March 14, 2005

It has been really neat to see some incredible people transformed by God recently. Tonight at church there was this guy that shared. he is going to be serving in Iraq next month. He came to our church to see a friend baptized and after meeting with the associate pastor for two months, was saved. That was less than three years ago. Now he is taking correspondence classes and wants to become a preacher, just got engaged to a great Christian girl, and is in the air force (I think), going to start Bible studies in his division! wow.

 

On Sunday mornings we are going through 1 Corinthians 13. Talking to one guy this week he was like “How can you read the Bible over again?” and I brought up that our pastor had been preaching on 1 Corinthians 13 and every time I re-read it, it hits me just like it did the first time. It is never old. And that is just one chapter! But what a chapter it is. We are at “Love always hopes.” I think hope is a hard thing sometimes. A quote given was “hope is patience with the light lit.” Sometimes my light grows dim.

 

There was alot going on last weekend, and alot of prayer. Last Thursday I got a call from Jake’s probation officer (he has been in boy’s school for 2 1/2 years). Jake was being released on Monday. Reggie and I had already planned on visiting him on Saturday morning, so I was excited because I wanted to encourage him in the Lord as much as possible before he got out. Friday night I got a call from Jake’s mom. previously, Jake was not going to be able to return home, but I guess somehow plans were changed. she asked if I could give her a ride on Monday to get Jake.

 

I will be honest with you. I really did not want to do all that driving, I did not want Jake going home, and I really needed that time to do my homework. I was feeling very hard pressed about being nice to people.

 

*note: we just watched “The Incredibles” and at the beginning they “interview” Mr.Incredible and he is like “The bad thing about saving the world is that it just goes on un-saving itself. Just once you want to clean up the mess and have it stay clean” well, I was slightly feeling like that: “goodness, I have just spent all week trying to help people…to I have to do it off-hours too? Will the needs never stop coming? Will there ever be a moment when they turn around and say ‘okay, you have helped me, now I can take it from here?’ ”

 

to make matters worse, if Jake meets with the law again, it is jail, not juvenile. He is on 30 days probation, but they have released him to a home where it is very well known (at least by the kids at the youth center), that it is a drug house. So do I really want to help take Jake to a place where he could just get locked up again? Sometimes life seems very gray with it’s choices. I did not see a yes or no answer. I knew that Jake would be released with or without me, and go home also. I figured if I was there I could encourage him to do the best, pray my heart out, be a solid connect that showed Christ’s love (the local bus system sure can’t do all that *smile*).

 

You know, I still don’t know if it was right or wrong, and I don’t even know if it was a right or wrong issue. these paradoxes seem to sneak up on me more and more as I grow up. Being in the inner city you know things. you know about kids being beaten and you don’t know if you should call CPS because they are begging you not too because getting beaten sometimes is less frightening than the unknown foster care. Or about those selling drugs–is it my duty to report that? Or lying on their taxes? or stealing anything from socks and CD players or more? or the plan to go “jump” someone? There is alot of talk in the ghetto, and you have to sort the fake from the real and the gossip from the prayer requests and the secrets from the public knowledge. It is quite a needed skill to know what to speak and what to be silent about. please pray for my wisdom. I am so glad I do not have to make these decisions on my own.

 

Reggie was going to come on Monday, but had to work, so April came. And God SURE KNEW what He was doing. As I picked up Mrs.Bibbs, she called her son, who decided he was coming also. We got in the car and I shared about God giving me the car and we did small talk that I forgot and so on. When Mrs.Bibbs went in to get Jake, we did not realize it would be almost an hour of waiting out in the car. I promise you–those high fences with the round wire stuff look like concentration camps to me. and the cold, windy, rainy day did not help the whole freaky effect.

 

So, April, Jake’s brother Kevin, and I sat in the car. I really don’t remember much of what we said, but finally Jake came and I took them home. Jake rolled down the window and just could not get enough of just looking at life…at Indianapolis…at everything he had been locked away from. I prayed with April after I dropped off everyone else and at first my prayer was “God, help Jake not go back to boy’s school.” But then I thought about it. goodness–is that the best I think God can do? Is that what success has been reduced to? Sometimes I think that a successful life defined in the ghetto is “managed to stay out of jail.” And that, my friend, is pathetic. suddenly I just wanted a miracle. suddenly I was sick of the level of “normal” around me. I started dreaming and praying that God would not just keep Jake out of jail, but change his life–change it so much that he can reach out to others. Maybe be the next Nicky Cruz or someone famous, or maybe not–but someone that is on fire for God and mature enough in God that he does not have to be served–he is ready to serve.  I think there are so many other areas that I settle for so little in that God wants me to dream bigger for.

 

That evening Jake and Mareeka (his sister) came to the youth center and I ended up taking Mareeka home. Mareeka normally just brushes me off like a piece of lint, but she felt like talking this time. She was telling me about Kevin. It turns out he just got out of jail for attempted murder (among other things) and was the one running the drug selling from their home (yep, the one in my car–I really wish I would have witnessed to him now!). As she spoke, her anger was so really and deep that it seemed to fill the van. She hates him. She wishes he was dead. She said “He has done things to me that some people could not live through. Now, I have not talked about it and I don’t feel like talking about it, but I would laugh if he turned up dead.” I told her that I would pray for her and that I could tell that no matter what horrible things he had done, this anger was eating her up. NO PERSON is worth getting eaten alive by hatred over. Please pray for them: for Kevin, Jake, Mareeka–and their little brother Thomas (he is 9 I think). Mrs.Bibbs works all she can and basically just turns her back on any dirty business going on.

 

oh! I have a neat story to share. lately we have been having alot of younger kids come to the center. This is a good happy thing, but also means for alot of little management issues as they require what I term “high maintenance” in wanting your attention, getting into trouble, and just plan being kids. There is alittle group of girls that comes, and about three weeks ago, they all raised their hands for salvation and I huddled them into the office and wondered what in goodness to do with them all at once. I knew some of them had recently come forward at a different time, so I started from there and asked what had happened when they came forward. One at a time, they each told me how they had believed Jesus died and rose for them and accepted him as Savior and given Him their lives. So I asked them WHY did they then come forward? Because they did not know if they were going to heaven. hmm. to me, being saved and going to heaven come in one package, but I guess they did not get this. I had one of those “AKKK I forgot all the Scripture I know!” moments, so went to John 3:16 (thank God for that one!). We went over it slowly and focused on  “…That whosoever believeth on Him (did you do this? “Yes!” then to YOU it says) should not perish (that means going to hell) but have everlasting life (that means going to heaven).” Not complete theology, but nice for the 8 year old level. but somehow, it still did not click. my goodness, we were in there for awhile as I would ask “So are you going to heaven when you die?” “I don’t know” so we read it again. finally, one girl got it and so I asked again: “Are you going to heaven when you die?” “Yes!” Why? Because Ms.Rachel said so?” “No, because the Bible says so” it was neat to see them understand. Please pray for these girls: Durika, Nyssa, Latisha, and Justine.

 

I had a really good talk with Destiny. Jasmine’s mom’s car went caplooie and now I have been taking her all the way to Lafayette…making my route at least two hours a day of driving. yep–driving the red van with no horn and a bumb gas tank so you never know when it will run out and that regularly dies on me. But…I have my good talks. Destiny was talking about this boy she liked and how she was trying to be pure and not messing around since we had talked about it and she knew it was wrong. I said something about how I knew it was a struggle and how I had/have struggled and she about fell out of her chair. with a shocked voice that made me laugh so hard she said “What? You liking guys?” I declare, these kids must think I am sub-human or something! Destiny seriously thought that had no struggles with sin and so on…:). I sure set her right. it reminded me of that verse that talks about Jesus being tempted in all points like us, yet without sin–He understands–and that makes such a difference!

 

I have seen God answer prayer in some really real ways recently..and you know, that is wonderful and amazing. but also scary. Lately I have been so busy. and it is all good things. but I just feel so…full. And I was almost afraid to pray for God to work in my life because I felt like I could not handle God adding anything more to my life. I knew that if I did pray, God would answer it…but it was hard for me to trust that His answer would be good. hmm. How soon we forget God’s goodness. I made a list of all the things I was afraid He would take away or that I did not want to loose. it was a long list: Brasil, future family, relationships, acceptance, encouragement, health, comfort, beauty, grades, respect, kindness, results, expectations, intimacy, understanding, sunshine and wind, privacy, ability and talent, communication, dreams and desires, time, rest and sleep, car, electronics, possessions, money, magazines, books, music, and movies…) nothing on this list was wrong or evil…it is just when I take something and make it my “right” to have it, I put it in front of God and distort the gift from God into an idol.

 

Psalm 33:13-14 “The Lord looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men. From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth; He fashions their hearts individually; He considers their works.”

 

May you give Him full control and say “Whatever it takes,”

 

Rachel

 

******

my hands are sweaty

I am trembling

because I know

You answer prayer

 

I am at a place

where I am doing

the things I am to do

and not doing

the things I am not to do

 

I feel your presence close

we talk throughout the day

I meditate your Scripture

and I am giving love away

 

Life is wonderful

and I see the sun

through the clouds

but I know there is more

 

I have reached the edge

of another mountain looming

I look up and see its cliffs

I have finished where I am

and I am restless to move

but it seems to be out of my reach

 

it is not that there is trouble

it is just that there is no fire

my emotions go from high to low

still you teach me through them all

 

I am forming godly habits

I am growing in maturity

I feel like I am full to overflowing

and that nothing else could fit

 

but I need more

I long for more

I want to blaze more

I want to give more

I want to trust more

I want to be enlarged

 

the next step

is always to give it to You

to let You choose

where to go

 

I am in the middle of a decision

the eye of the storm is unnerving

and to move I must ask you

to do whatever it takes

 

the words are so simple

but I am scared

because I don’t know the solution

You will give

 

my body says I cannot

handle it

I am full up to here

and I don’t want more

because I’ll explode

 

am I really that faithless

do I really think You would be cruel

do I believe that You would leave me

just when I need You

 

have I lost sight of Your goodness

have I forgotten the price

You paid for my soul

have I become so busy protecting myself from pain

that I hold out

 

God, this is it

I am here

naked before you

my heart still shakes

to my shame

 

but God

I want you to do it

whatever it takes

I want to be empty

I want to feel that freedom

of not weighing a thing

because there is nothing

 

I want to be an inward vagabond

having no money, no plans, no food, no future

just smiling as I walk in my ragged shoes

 

it is not easy

but it is wonderful

I want to grab back

even now

I want to hold them safe

in my hands

 

the struggle inside myself is intense

and one unguarded moment is enough

it is hard to stand vigilant

please God

will You do it for me

 

whatever it takes

 

March 4, 2005

Whew! I missed last week because life seems to be flying! What has thrown me off schedule is that the practicum class I am taking is the equivalent of two or three other classes…something that I did not take into account when figuring out my plans for this semester. But it is good. and I am learning how to be flexible with time I have, and time I don’t have. That is one of the big lessons God has been teaching me. By Thursday last week, I bombed out and everything came to a head and…yeah, there were things going on, but my heart was not in the right place and I was just uptight and short with everyone. It is amazing how people can read me like a book, no matter how hard I try to hide it, I still get everyone coming up to me “What’s wrong Ms.Rachel? Did someone say something? should I beat them up for you?” and so on:).

 

You know the Hispanic girl I was telling you about? Michelle? Well, after we talked, that Sunday she went forward and accepted Christ as her Savior. We have been talking and playing around, and she had just brightened my days. We played basketball and I won, but she is determined to take me on again (and I am in trouble if she grows any–she is well under 5 feet now).

 

I have been having some good talks with Isaiah. Mr.James officially decided that Moose and Bugg cannot come to the center anymore, but they can come to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. With Michelle (Mooses sister) not coming (she was kicked out, and now is in the habit of not coming), and the other girls only coming because Michelle or Bugg came, (And Erica moved) From the West side, only Isaiah, Jasmine, and Ramone are coming. It makes for an empty van, but I have found that I have my best talks with the kids while driving. maybe it is because they are afraid for their lives *giggle.* So Isaiah and I had alot of time to talk in the van. I asked him what he thought God wanted for his life, and he looked really surprised. I guess most people only ask “so what are you going to do with your life?” But I was like “well, God’s alot smarter than you, and knows you better, so you better be talking to him about it!” Isaiah is working his community service hours off at the center. He has been doing a great job as I see him vacuuming or scrubbing the floor on his hands and knees. I asked what I could pray for, and he said “I just don’t want to get sent to boys school” because that is what will happen if he gets with the law again. We talked about the two dog story–you know, whichever one you feed wins. He said it made alot of sense. I just hope he follows it.

 

David came to the youth center on Wednesday with a paper in hand. It was his mother’s obituary. The first thing he did when he came was give it to me to read. I had not seen David in a couple of weeks, but knew his mom was going to die soon. It turns out that his mother died right after I stopped by to pick him up for church. I took him home on Wednesday and was able to talk with him alittle. I asked what his favorite memory of her was, and he said when they all used to go to church together. Before David’s father died, they were a happy family attending church together and doing things together. But he died when David was 10 of cancer, and his mother was never the same. She was soon out and about with different men, drinking and smoking her life away. After his dad died, David moved in with his grandma. I don’t think he and his mother were ever really close after that. I asked David how he and God were doing and he said fine. I had an opportunity to share about another guy at the center whose mother had died, and how he had ran AWAY from God instead of TO Him. I prayed for David before I dropped him off at home.

 

He came to the center a couple more times last week and was always really open about life. He still seems to be in the numb stage. On Sunday he called up from a funeral home and asked if I could pick him up for church. I guess another lady—not really related to David, but close, died unexpectedly. As we drove to church, we had a great discussion about being ready to die. I shared how two years ago when like 5 people close to me died in less than three months I was holding my hands up in surrender saying “Okay God, who is it going to be next?” And David said that is how he felt. I like how someone said it: “When someone you love dies, it is like walking up a flight of stairs and then suddenly finding one missing.” It shakes your entire world. Things that used to be there are suddenly gone—little things you never thought of before. Like a step out of place.

 

We have now had two girls Bible studies on Thursdays, and they have been great. Most of all the older girls are not coming anymore (April drops in sometimes, Riketa and Deondra have not come in forever, Ebony and Erica don’t come, Michelle was kicked out, Lamanda, Shannie, and Pookie don’t come because Michelle and Bugg don’t), so we have a new group of younger girls. sometimes I want to throttle them because the maturity is NOT there yet, but they smile and giggle and I have to laugh again and love them more. And, I must say, this group is alot less grumpy and mean on the outside. There is Michelle O. (who just got saved), Amber (a 12 year old from the West side), Erica Patterson (my girl), Jasmine R. (and sometimes Jasmine B.), Clarissa, and Destiny (Erica’s friend who lives on the south side). Please do keep us in prayer–the conference is coming up for the girls, involving alot of planning and money and such. Most of these girls are very young in the Lord and have alot to learn, and a lot of new habits to being.

 

I have been working on my own habits. Like trying to go to bed by 10. Otherwise I bomb on Thursdays. It has been really good this week because little things would happen and somehow the thought kept coming to me “today you are setting the habits for the rest of your life.” Like when I had to go 20mph on the highway and was late for class because of alittle snow? Well, I asked God “hey, I know there was some purpose for that…please show me what it was.” and that sure helped not getting angry. And smiling at people. I declare, college kids are experts on not looking anyone in the face when they walk around campus! And people are like that alot–guarded. the verse I memorized for class was Genesis 1:27-28, about man being made in God’s image. my application for the verse was that if man was made in God’s image, then they all have worth and are to be respected and even loved (hey–that is a command you know!) so I decided I would try to look as many people in the eye as possible and smile, just as a way of respecting God’s image in that person. it is alot harder than you think. you should try it.

 

Doing more puts a man in control

Being more puts God in control

 

Doing more is a safe style for men

being more is risky

 

Doing more implies there’s an end to it

Being more is a process–fluid and unpredictable

 

doing more lets a man pick the changes he needs to make

Being more allows God to reveal the changes a man needs to make

 

Doing more requires trying harder

Being more relies on training humbly

 

Doing more engenders spiritual pride

Being more produces humility through surrender

 

Doing more is about correcting behavior patterns

Being more is about connecting with God’s character

 

Doing more attaches to the public persona

Being more reaches the private self–the man God wants to reach

—Every man, God’s man

 

isn’t that great? It was from one of those books for men that I figured would work for me too:). I am wading through Leviticus and Numbers in my Bible reading, and don’t really have alot to give you from it. There was one chapter talking about how those born with a birth defect could not serve as priests. I was sorta like “Why God? it is not like they did something to deserve that! that sure isn’t fair!” Well, I still don’t really understand that rule, and maybe I won’t until I get to heaven, but all I know is that if God would not have that person be a priest, He must have had something better for them in some other capacity.

 

God be with you in busyness and in rest,

 

Rachel

 

***
The longing wells up

in my heart

and threatens

to overtake me

 

anytime I see beauty

it hurts because

everything else

is only average

 

everytime I see good

it points out

all the bad

that surrounds it

 

When I hear

of the heroic deeds

part of me wonders

“Where were you

the last time?”

 

when someone is saved

I think

“where were you

for the last one

who died?”

 

because no matter

how great a day was

there is always another

 

because no matter

how many good things happened

there is always more bad

 

because no matter how many

happy endings

there is more horror stories

 

because no matter how

loud my heart sings

there is always wrong notes

 

because no matter how many

steps forward

there is so many more to go

 

The longing wells up

in my heart

and threatens

to overtake me

I know that somehow

I was made for more

 

I know that no matter

what people say

there is a heaven

and that’s what

I’m looking for

that’s what I’ve been

longing for

 

I cannot explain the errors

in this world

I cannot justify the good

with the bad

I cannot even tell you

that I understand

the mingling

 

but it is just enough

to leave me hopeful

just enough

to reach out for more

just enough

to not be satisfied

just enough

to cry out

 

I want to be

where the princess

always finds her prince

I want to go

where the orphan

always has a home

I want to see

the ugly dissolve

into beauty

I want to hear

the laughter never fade

 

I am headed

to where

the adventure

never ends

the food never

gets cold

where right is right

and never confused

 

where the first choice

is always the correct choice

to where the words

are never forgotten and

the song goes on forever

 

The longing wells up

in my heart

and threatens

to overtake me

I know that somehow

I was made for more

 

I know that no matter

what people say

there is a heaven

and that’s what

I’m looking for

that’s what I’ve been

longing for

***

 

February 21, 2005

guess what? I am in counseling. yep. for getting my bachelor’s in Biblical counseling, I need to have 20 hours of personal counseling, 30 hours of observation, 30 hours of Co-counseling, and then 30 hours of counseling others…or figures somewhere close to that. I am really enjoying it. Heather, the lady who is counseling me, is really wonderful and encouraging. We have been talking about ways I can reach out to others my own age. because let’s face it–I am surrounded by kids all day every day, and when I go to class I arrive, listen, and leave–especially at Ivy Tech and IUPUI. Anna has especially been adamant as she reproachfully said “you have taken classes for how many weeks and still don’t have a friend here?” Anyways, I did manage a couple of conversations, and they were pretty painless, so God is growing me in many areas:).

 

Tuesday–oh, it was so beautiful outside! I left my coat in the car all day and laughed at the sun. It was also a good day at the center. as I was driving to pick up Jasmine from school, I was thinking my deep thoughts (hmm. this might be dangerous. sorta like drinking and driving? j/k) and wondered “if it is true that it only takes one person to start a revival, then it must mean I am not on fire.” that was rather depressing. Lately I have been talking with people and it just seems that those around church and everywhere are…stagnant. still. not moving one way or the other…and it gets depressing because it is not anything horrible that shocks you, it is just a slow weary, draining burden that you hardly notice until life is a gray blob. And if I am living my life totally sold out, why don’t I see anything happening? I told my thoughts to Jasmine who said “well, it is spreading to me.” and my heart got the warm fuzzies and I figure that maybe revival is not always what we think it is. maybe it’s not about “moving the masses.” Maybe…God works in ways I don’t see.

 

I asked Jasmine that if she could change one thing in her life, what would it be–one situation, one person, something about herself–anything. She immediately answered that it would be her grades. As she said that, the Holy Spirit brought to my mind something I’d learned before…actually, I can’t even remember where. it was that the one thing that we think it the hardest, most unbearable thing in our life is usually the one thing that God is using the MOST to make us more like Him. It is the sharpest, best tool that is shaping us to be Christlike. I can totally see that in Jasmine because she is giving up her playtime to work hard on homework for often many hours a night, and it is growing her maturity. I went on to tell her that if we can then take the next step and THANK God for that one thing, then it will be true success as 1 Thess.5:18 says it is fulfilling God’s will for our life.

 

thinking about this now, I sure can apply it to my own life. I was walking around the park on Saturday and looked up in the sky to see a plane. suddenly, as it often does with planes, I wished to be on it, flying to Brasil. I said out loud “God, why do I have to have desires that aren’t fulfilled? Why do I have to want something I can’t have right now?” I guess that would be my one thing. Well, As God gently points out, it is those unfulfilled desires and learning to wait that is working in me now. quite possibly I am learning much more from NOT having them fulfilled as I will when they are fulfilled. That is Romans 8:28 working for ya!

 

Tuesday night I was taking Destany and her two friends home at 9:00pm because they live on the Southside, so it is on my way home and we don’t have time to take them home earlier. It had been a good day–but a long day, and I felt like I hit a brick wall. We were almost at their house when Destany gasps and realizes she left her stuff and keys at the center. I grumble under my breath as I turn around to go get them and all the girls sing how wonderful I am and what a nice girl I am. I say a quick prayer for my eyes to stay open and tell the girls that it is only because God is alive and working in my heart that I am willing to go out of my way and do stuff like that, so they should be thanking God, not me. As they get their stuff, Ashley, who had been lead to the Lord that night, told me how she was saved. It was good to chat about it and encourage her. Then, as we were almost at their houses, they tell me that they need me to wait while they ask their parents if they can spend the night at Destany’s house and get their clothes. ugg. I am thinking “ok God, am I being *just a little* taken advantage of here?” I am sitting in the car with Destany when she says “You need to pray for my stepmom.” and then the whole story tumbled out. apparently, her father is in jail since after Christmas, and her stepmom (I have no idea where her real mom fits in here) lost her two kids (who were really close to Destany) that are now in foster care. Destany is not allowed to see them, and has no idea how they are doing. Not only that, but her stepmom recently moved out (they had been living with Destany’s grandmother, where Destany still lives) to move in with her co-worker where they are exotic dancers. to top it off, someone graphically told Destany that her stepmom was cheating on her dad. Destany does not know what to believe. The reason that her friends were spending the night was because her grandma worked until midnight, and 12 year old Destany did not want to be alone. Okay. this was definitely worth 30 minutes of my time to talk with her. So please pray for Destany and her family.

 

Things are going well with the girls in general at the youth center. There is a Hispanic girl that has been coming to the center–Michelle. she is very cool, she plays basketball and is a tomboy. I get along with her great. she was not very clear about salvation when I went over it with her on Friday, so I am hoping that we can talk about it more and she can then be discipled. The Lord also worked out a way to start having a girl’s Bible study on Thursdays. We have Bible study every night, but in the past we have had one just for girls, and they really benefited from it. it had to be cut when we got lower on staff and the girls began to think it was gossip time instead of gospel time. So, please pray as we begin that again. On Friday we got to take some of the kids Duckpin bowling. I had been once when I was 16 with the kids at the inner city school, so it was neat to go back. I think Eugene did better than I did (well, I did help him a little) and we all laughed as the guys dramatically found ingenious ways to get the ball down the ally…until Tre’s ball promptly stopped in the middle of the ally and Vladimir had to go get it:).

 

Here is an awesome promise for you: Proverbs 10:3 “The Lord will not allow the righteous soul to famish, but He casts away the desire of the wicked.”

 

This is from a book I am reading on purity: “…In this area (sexual purity in thoughts) he had stopped short of authenticity. By the standards of his peers, he knew he could watch popular movies with racy situations and still “seem” Christian, while being accepted as well. That’s all he needed. So…Are you being authentic?…One youth pastor said “They seem to have great intentions…they desire to be used by God. Trouble is, they won’t step out. When I ask them, ‘Why aren’t you hungrier for God?’ I know the answer already. they don’t want to stand out. They just want to be accepted. They want more of God, but they don’t want to be more like God. To them, sexual purity seems too high a wall to climb.” Why?

 

“If they were authentic, they would say ‘Christ saved me, so I want to be pure.’ but most are lazy and apathetic about this. It is all emotion to them. They leave Wednesday night service pumped up and wanting to be different, but by second period Thursday morning they’ve given up. An authentic teen would say ‘I want to be free from sin,’ but most of my kids say ;it would be nice to be free from sin–if God would do it.’ They won’t pay the price…they are right about the price tag. You empty your wallet to become authentic. What’s worse, in spite of the price tag, authenticity doesn’t necessarily remove the struggle against sexual sin (thoughts)” The rest of the book is, of course, about God’s grace and how with Him all things are possible–mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual purity.

 

February 13, 2005

why is it that you can be instant friends with some people in two minutes and for others, well, a connection never seems to be made? is there something wired inside us that like a magnet attracts us and repels us to certain people? I would say I am a loner. I am friendly and open to people, but these that are deep inside my heart are few and far between. As for socialization–well, I could take it or leave it. I don’t like to be dependent of people–for the good and the bad of it. Maybe that is what bothers my sister about me not borrowing her things and not wanting her to borrow mine:).

 

I make a point to try to get along with everyone, and normally, that is not too hard. Some are hard to continue loving, but if God made them, there there is something there to love. I seem to have a drive within me that wants everyone to like me and I even enjoy the challenge when they don’t–the challenge to at least make them tolerable. But every once in awhile there comes along someone that I really click with. normally, I don’t even have to talk with them–suddenly it just enters my mind that we are “cool” with each other and will always be “cool.” I don’t know how I know this, I just do. and that happened with Javon.

 

Javon is 4 and at the preschool–St.Mary’s–that I work 9 hours a week at for my practicum class at Ivy Tech. Javon does not talk much, so when he does talk, I have to document it for the records (no joke–they keep alot of records at St.Mary’s!). It is just little stuff. like when we line up, he takes my hand, when I sit down, he sits down next to me. He will be doing something across the room and will look up at me and we will smile because we both know everything is good.

 

And then there is another phenomenon. I feel alittle weird writing about it because I have never had someone else talk about this…but when Javon was practicing his letters, I looked at him and suddenly my heart hurt. Javon did not tell me anything was wrong, I have no idea what is going on at his home–I know nothing–but I started praying for him and was like “God, why am I hurting? why does my heart suddenly ache like this?” I don’t get it, and maybe I never will, but it is sorta like I was bearing some of his pain.

 

I don’t know if God works like that, but I know that different times when I was hurting, there would be people who would not say anything, but just…feel with me–and carry some of my pain away. I wonder if it is part of a spiritual gift–pain-bearing? well, that sounds depressing. but if I can just sit there and help this 4 year old without words, then I am glad to do it–yes, even honored. I play with him and when he smiles it just makes my day. please pray for Javon.

 

There was this song I heard that sorta talks about this. it was about this person going into a restaurant and seeing another person hurting at the next table and saying “My heart goes out to you–and I don’t even know you…” maybe it is a God thing. Here is a God-thing, because I know it was not me: I was going 60 mph in a 50 zone (yes, I feel very guilty…in my defense, I thought it was a 55) and suddenly a truck barrels past and around me, making sure his middle finger was properly pointed up in my direction. I guess I was not going fast enough for him. but you know what I did? first I laughed, because if that trucker is going to get so ticked over me going 60, think of all the other issues he has in his life? And then I thought “goodness, I feel so sorry for him. I need to pray for him because you know his life is messed up if his anger is off the handle at me for that.” don’t you always wonder about the rest of the story with people? there will always be a part of the story you never know–so we should always be ready to give grace for that unknown.

 

Was that me talking? you KNOW God must be working in me!:)

Thursday I got to take the girls to a valentine’s day party that the Sunday school ladies class threw for us. It was so much fun! On penalty of death for any damages, I was allowed to drive the new white van from the mission, and we were bumping our church songs and having a good time while all the girls were positive I was going to kill us all;). they enjoy knocking my driving immensely, and I enjoy playing along. Even Pookie got into it and everyone was giggling and enjoying the time. A school teacher from Tech (where alot of the kids go to high school) spoke to us and was so sweet–she really impacted the girls. We decorated cookies (I have been christened with a new nickname: “white chocolate”), had pizza, and were each given some candy and a rose. it was lovely.

 

But please pray for Kiera. She just started coming with Mya, her cousin, and is 12. She is trouble. I got to know her last week, and after getting kicked out, she really wanted to come back. I want to be open and help her out, but her attitude and disrespect (for shockingly, everyone but me–somehow she listens to me) for others is marking strikes against her. She goes to the Kingdom Hall, but does not really know much about it except there is food and games (this seems to be the view of many kids I know from many different churches!). and there is definitely a wall there. I really want to reach out to her, but I just don’t know if she can keep coming to center if she is going to cause so much trouble.

 

The Patterson’s are back at the youth center! I am so excited! those are my kids–my babies:) as I’ve called them. Erica is so excited and just fun to be around–she blesses me so much. My friend’s church donated some money for Christmas, but I was not able to get with the Patterson’s until this weekend. So I took them all out yesterday to the mall. it was great. First we went to the dollar store so they could get some basic things then needed (like deodorant and batteries and stuff) before we got the “fun” stuff. We walked around and played and laughed and had a great time. After I took the boys home, Erica spent the night over at our house. I asked her what the best part of the night was (thinking for sure it was that she had money to spend) and she said “oh, it was when we were messing around and I whipped my hair grease on your face!” giggle* It struck me that it was not the money, it was the TIME. It was that time they needed. We would be walking and I would suddenly find Erica’s arm around me, or Eric holding my hand. Devon would yell out “hey Ms.Rachel! Come look at this!” Andrew (who is 14 and way too old for that kind of stuff *groan) even would walk with his hand on my shoulder. it was great fun–another one of those times where you try to bless others and get more blessed yourself.

 

Valentine’s day is tomorrow, so I am giving you a quote about true love that I read:

 

“Some of you are saying “that is not me! I think it (my dating relationship) is gonna last because I love her. The way I feel is amazing!” Okay, I’ll give you that. you do FEEL like it will last forever, so lets talk about that feeling. you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you get butterflies in her presence, your palms sweat. you feel like a total dork and it feels great. Newsflash for you: this isn’t love. It’s somebody else besides your mother thinking you are cool. and it’s an amazing feeling. Don’t get me wrong. I dig it just as much as you do. but don’t confuse the feeling with love. love doesn’t feel all mushy. love isn’t sweaty palms and sleepless nights. love is a decision you make to care for someone no matter how you feel. if they are disfigured in an accident or throwing up for hours on end, you will still love them.” —Justin Lookadoo (yep, that is really his name:)!)

 

Guess what? Exodus 33 is one of my favorite chapters. yep. you should look them up. God tells Moses that He is not going with them into the promised land because if He did, He’d kill ‘em all because they were so stiff-necked. Moses is like “if You don’t go, I don’t go.” God says in Exodus 33:17 “…I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in my sight, and I know you by name.”

 

I want God to know me by name! After that Moses then asks to see God. And God passes by and lets Moses see His back. The next chapter talks about how Moses’s face shone because he was in God’s presence. I wrote a not in my Bible “Why did Moses face ever stop shining?” because it never talks about his face shining later on. Doesn’t that make you think? I mean, you have these “mountain top” experiences, and it is like Moses’ shining face–but then, sometimes you don’t even notice it–and you are in the valley and you have no idea how to be excited about God or anything because life is BLAH. something inside of me wants to know that Moses’ face never stopped shining. I want to know that I can go on forever in the closeness and “on fire” feeling for God without stopping. I don’t know.

 

God bless you. May your heart belong completely to Him.

 

Rachel

 

****

“it’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly…who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” –Teddy Roosevelt

 

February 4, 2005

Ola everyone! Tudo Ben?

 

Life is moving on and it is February already. There was this kid at the practicum center–so cute. oh my goodness. I don’t know why my heart always goes out to the one kid who does not have anything going for them. This kid’s name in Javon. he did not speak the whole morning except after much prompting when he replied “it’s ribbit!” because there was a frog. He came up and held my hand before we left and it seemed like he said so much without opening his mouth. he was playing with the doll house and I wondered if what he was acting out was what was going on in his life or just random actions.

 

sometimes I wonder if I read into things too deeply. you go to school to learn how to play with preschoolers and then boom! you suddenly analyze everything that happens. Anyways, the teacher was like “it is always the most needy that never come” that bothers me. because no matter what I do, people will still fall through the cracks. That is why I have God. whew.

 

I walked through the gym and read this “There is no substitute for victory” –Douglas Macarthur

 

Last Wednesday we were going to church and things were kind of crazy. but for the most part, it was the normal “under control” crazy. As we were about to pull out to head home, Anyea said something to Moose to which Michelle got upset about. She walked to the front of the bus and the next thing I know they are swinging on each other. After a few minutes, John manages to pull away Michelle and Ms.Elizabeth gets Anyea off the bus. Michelle “talks” the whole way back. “Talking” gets on my nerves. talk is so cheap and it is sold for nothing in the ghetto. Everything is big talk. Michelle’s pride was hurt and also her hair. it seems that Anyea grabbed some braids and as John and Ms.Elizabeth were pulling them apart–or before–Anyea pulled them out, leaving a 50 cent piece bald spot on the right side of Michelle’s head. Michelle decided to blame the whole thing on Ms.Elizabeth. (there was no rational reason for this. it was so dumb.)

 

So the whole time Michelle is saying things like “I’m gonna burn her house down” or “I am going to chop all her hair off and give it to cancer patents–I look like a cancer patient!” “she better not look at me” blah blah. I sat next to her, but in her state of mind there was nothing to say. so I just sat there. Michelle knew me well enough to know what I would have said anyways. I will miss Michelle. She will be kicked out for awhile. I have not seen her at all since then. Please pray for her. There is so much going on in her life.

 

On Friday I took the Westside to the Eagledale (the Christian school that we send four of the kids to) homecoming game. it was nice, and then afterwards they have some kids from each class dress up and be announced and then the students and teachers vote one as Mr.Eagledale and Ms. Eagledale. Eric was in the running, but everyone had told me that the other guy was going to win. They did their little “marching down the isle” thingy and then it turned out that Eric did win! Eric has been coming to the youth center since before time began I think:). He lives with his Catholic mother and Christian father that struggles with alcohol. Eric has always been a strong leader and wants to become a preacher. I was so proud that he won that honor! I was dancing around going “he won!” while the rest of the kids were properly embarrassed at me and telling me to sit down.

 

Yesterday I was going to take the girls and some of their mother’s out to Cici’s pizza. I was surprised at how excited everyone was about it. But it turns out that it did not work out. Erika, who is the oldest girl (16) who regularly comes to the center, and really is a leader even though she does not know it, moved out to live with her dad. She told me on the bus that her mom just said “start packing your things, you are moving out.” I don’t know what all happened, and I know there is more to the story than that, but…please pray. Erika’s brother, Lamont H. has been coming to the center more. He has raised his hand twice for wanting to be saved, but never come forward, and whenever I talk to him, he says he already is saved. so…

 

There is this girl named Kierra that comes to the center every once in awhile. Yesterday we had thousands of fliers were trying to pass out for the mission, and Kierra went with me. I started talking about salvation and she was like “Why is that the only thing you ever talk about?” And then she told me she went to the Kingdom Hall…I believe that is Jehovah Witnesses. While we were walking and passing out (from Washington to 10th street and back! It is like 10 blocks or something!) the fliers, I went through the gospel and she went on being hard headed. I think she enjoys being around me just so she can be stubborn to me. She goofed off all during bible study and then ditched her punishment…but please pray for her. Somehow, I still think she was listening under that crusty shell.

 

As for me, I am doing really well. Even though all my work is time consuming, it is good and I find so many little beautiful things worked into my days. God showers me with those little blessings like finding a parking spot at the impossible IUPUI (with it’s 26,000 students).

 

Psalm 18 gets me somewhere new every time I read it. here is verse 32-34 “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of deer, and sets me on my high places. He teaches my hands to make war (yikes!), so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.” I am in a spiritual war, and I’ll tell you what, I need to bend that bronze bow more than ever.

 

May God bless you,

 

Rachel

 

PS–here is another lesson I’m learning:

 

Before I begin

my “coulda shoulda’s”

remind me of You

 

before I start

to worry or fret

show me the truth

 

I feel like

the little girl

that ruined her picture

 

and handed it

to the teacher

to “please fix it”

 

running my finger

through the frosting

then hoping the Decorator

will make it new

 

I take the day

and I plan it through

I mess it up

and then I reach to You

 

hoping You’ll

make it all better

 

because I’m still learning

what it means for

You to be sovereign

 

I’m still learning

that You have things

under control

 

I’m still learning that

all things work together

for Your glory

 

I fall down in failure

my day is in pieces

too ashamed to knock for help

I sit at the door

 

fumbling through life

because I think it’s to late

I try to do better

not knowing there is so much more

 

because I’m still learning

what it means for

You to be All-Knowing

 

I’m still learning

that You don’t

need my help

 

I’m still learning that

now is the time I have

and NOW is Yours

 

So before I begin

my “coulda shoulda’s”

remind me of You

 

before I start

to worry or fret

show me the truth

 

January 26

I am having such a paradox of emotions. They seem to pull me every directions at once. I think I will take the easy way out and just go to bed (hey–bein’ honest!).

 

but I wanted to write to ask you all to pray. Monday and Tuesday it seems like so much is happening! Monday night Neka called me. Neka was one of the first girls I ever met at the youth center. I met her at camp and instantly deducted that she was one of the chosen few that could change the world. there was just something very special about her. we got along, but she was one of the girls that got kicked out of camp. When I started working at the youth center, we became fast friends. she was definitely a leader, and she struggled in many areas, but always lead the girls to look to the Lord. Her house burnt, she had to move with cousins way east, and ended up flunking 8th grade because her mother never took the time to sign her into her new school. She continued coming, but it slowed down. then she spent the summer at her friends house and never came back. she told me she was too old for the youth center and made it very clear she did not want to see me again. I had little birds telling me she was into drugs and I don’t know what. And that was that. It hurt alot. since then there have been other kids leaving the youth center like that, but this was the first time for me. the first time I felt the pain of someone close rejecting God and so rejecting me. But yesterday Neka called.

 

she said that she wanted to come to the youth center. that school and work and everything in her life seemed to fall through and she needed to come to God. She said that her grandma was in the hospital, real bad. So I said I would pick her up today. I ran around the center elated. It was so amazing to see God answer prayer like that! after two years, I had basically given up hope. I still pray for her and have her on my list, but…I didn’t know. God did. the kids thought I was going crazy because I could not stop grinning. I went to pick her up today and she was not there. I tried not to be pessimistic, but I gotta tell you, it is hard. because I have seen it all before. I just had to whisper to God “it might last a day, a week, or all be fake…but one thing I know, and that is that you did answer prayer and You are working.”

 

I went over to see how she was tonight and was met by David. David is younger than Neka, but is her uncle (the age thing got all mixed up in their family). I casually asked how his grandma was, and he looks up and say “oh, you mean my mom? yeah, they are pulling the plug tomorrow.” have you ever been frozen to the spot? I had not realized it was David’s mom, and…

 

they were not there today because the hospital called. Tomorrow, at 10:30am, the family is getting together and they are giving up. I guess they gave up all hope. David did not tell me the whole story and I don’t know anything more, but standing there on the porch I felt his pain reach out and seize my heart. I went in to talk to Neka. they were all very close to David’s mom and lived with her off and on because Neka’s mom never really became a mother. I rambled on about something or other, left my phone number for them to call anytime, and left. You just don’t plan for these things. they just come up on you and you are left with nothing. please pray for them. I want to do something, but I just don’t know what.

 

Two more big things happened about that also need prayer. One guy, who will be nameless has gone through alot. He has a whole long story just like everyone else. There was alot of sexual, physical, and mental abuse as well as neglect in his past. He has been struggling with alot of depression. He seems to think that he can’t get right with God until he starts coming to the youth center. And so he just puts of coming and then puts off God along with it. I am not sure when, but just recently he was arrested for driving a stolen car. he says he did not know it was stolen and was driving it for a friend. I don’t know the whole story. but they took him to the big boy jail until they learned he was a minor and it shook him up BAD. He has a court date in March and is determined that the judge has it in for him and that it would be better to skip town. He is jumpy and depressed and scared and has all these wrong friends and family…please pray for him. He may get some help with school from the mission, but he has to step up and take responsibility. And he needs to come face to face with God.

 

I got another call today that overjoyed me! the girl I told you about awhile ago, also nameless, called up. Her mother was in jail, I believe for drugs. It was a lonely Christmas for those kids. Well, she was released and they moved closer to the youth center, so hopefully they can start coming to the youth center again. They are so happy to be home with their mother, but they had to up and leave all their family, friends, and change schools. So this is a big time of transition.

 

This is from my devotional: “When we are right with God, the tiniest thing done out of love to Him is more precious to Him than any eloquent preaching of a sermon…Human nature and pride will help us buck up and face the music of crisis magnificently, but it does require the supernatural grace of God to live 24 hours of the day as a saint, to through drudgery as a saint, to go through poverty as a saint, to go through an ordinary, unobtrusive, ignored existence as a saint, unnoticed…we have to be exceptional in ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people, surrounded by sordid sinners. that is not learned in five minutes.”

 

“God does not tell us what He is going to do, He reveals to you who He is.” Psalm 12:6 “The Words of the Lord are pure words, like silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times.”

 

January 23, 2005

First of all, I just want to say that God has worked this week in my own personal life and at the youth center in so many ways. It has been a special dispensation of His grace or something that felt truly wonderful and I know it meant that someone was praying. So thank you.

 

It sure has been cold weather, and with the weather, van issues. The old faith van has been working, but just barely. It takes awhile to warm up, and even then it is temperamental. I have found myself patting the dashboard and saying “Come on, you can do it, don’t die on me now…” quite often. I am sure our conversations make all the difference on the technical details of the van. Because, well, I just don’t know anything else to do than pray.

 

I had to make a key for it and the guy asked me what kind of car it was, so I said “oh, it is a van.” with the look of patience that always pains guy’s faces when they patronize a girl he said “but what KIND of van?” to which my airhead-y reply was “oh, it is a red one.” The guy wanted to know who made the van, and by the time I realized that, I also realized I did not even know if it was a Ford or not. so I just said “hey, chalk it down to me being the average female who knows nothing about cars.” I was so embarrassed. oh well.

 

The van has quit on me at least five times this week, including in the middle of New York and Michigan Street (which are main, busy roads). I believe the kids are pretty well resigned to death as they are all determined that I am going to kill us all one of these days.

 

Please pray for Demone, Remone, and Terry. Remone and Demone are twins, also known as “Twin” and “Twin” for those who do not take the time to tell them apart. They used to come to the center all the time and live just a block down the street. Last Wednesday I was taking the kids home when I saw all the fire trucks blocking the street. Sure enough, it was their house. You cannot see anything from the outside, but the inside is completely trashed. I saw a moving truck as the house is unlivable. it turns out their mother also lost her job after the fire since she has not shown up for work. Please pray for their relocation and getting adjusted. Perhaps this is the wake-up call the twins needed. Both of the twins have alot of knowledge of God, but are turning their backs on Him for the ghetto and it’s life.

 

On Monday, Michelle and I got to go on visitation. We went to go visit Deanna, a girl who has come to the center once or twice a week for the past couple of months–enough for me to know her name, but not enough to talk to her or for her to be open. A lady opened the door and said “oh, she won’t be back. she is at the guardian home.” Michelle was affected more than me. She was just sitting in the car like “One day you see them and then boom, they are gone. Sent to a guardian home?” We stopped and prayed right then, and it was one of those really good moments–we were sisters together, praying to our God, not a youth worker and child.

 

I felt some regret over it. I had tried to talk to Deanna, but never got very far. And alot of times, I didn’t try. It is always after something happens or your opportunities are gone that you wish you invested in someone or became part of their life. How much more beautiful would it be to have that deep compassion BEFORE everything broke loose? Please pray for Deanna. I don’t know where she is or if I will ever see her again. I don’t know if her situation is good or not. I don’t know if she knows if anyone loves her.

 

Michelle shared alot too. She told me how she was worried over Lamar (her boyfriend–which is not a good thing) and his friends. How she had stolen something over the weekend, but felt so bad about it, that she went back to the lady in charge. the lady was very glad she confessed and forgave her. She said her family actually had some “normal” times. you know, where you all are together and you joke around without have fun without fighting.

 

On Tuesday I took the girls to the gym at the University of Indianapolis. This is one of their favorite activities to do. Michelle was VERY hyper. We were goofing off in the restroom while we were changing. At the end, Michelle was banging on all the doors, seeing if they would open and if everyone would hurry up. We had been in there for a good 15 minutes laughing loudly when she banged on the last stall door and it flew open…revealing that we were not alone in the restroom as we thought we had been. Michelle immediately apologized as the rest of us tried to keep straight faces and failed miserably. The girls felt very important using all the weights and tread mills and such. I had five girls five different places calling out “but ms.Rachel, this does not make sense!” “Ms.Rachel, this thing won’t go!” “Ms.Rachel, how does this work?” it was alot of fun, and the college students there were nice enough to look the other way before smiling and laughing.

 

After we worked up an appetite, my mom fixed us a great meal–even down to the cornbread and fried chicken:)! John loved that I brought over “his girls” to play with, and talked non-stop. I asked him what his job was, and he proudly said “I am a hero. I am Larry boy (he is WAY into veggietales). I rescue girls. I am brave because God is always with me and I never am alone.” he went on about how good God was and every single girl just melted. When he finally stopped for air, Michelle clapped and a chorus of “awws” could be heard. I did a short devotional for them, but I think John’s preaching touched their hearts more. I felt so blessed to be able to bring my girls to a home like mine.

 

This and last week there have been numerous opportunities to sneak in alittle talk with the girls, a blessing and something I had missed in previous months. Shannie, Deondra, Jasmine B., Linda, and even Erica and Ebony have shared–even if just for a couple minutes–what God is doing in their lives. Pookie, Bugg’s girlfriend and the girl who is pregnant with his baby came three times last week. She came to meet Bugg, but twice Bugg did not show up and Pookie basically sat alone. During that time, I was able to talk to her alittle about how she was doing. John’s baby was crying, and we talked alittle about babies. I had some information and pictures about how the baby grows inside the womb, and she was very excited about getting it. Shannie said on the van “oh Ms.Rachel, she wants to get saved” to which Pookie said that Shannie was always getting into her business…I talked with Pookie and she told me she was saved–but please pray for more opportunities. Both she and Erica asked to be on the girl’s God Squad (because we have an activity going to CiCi’s pizza coming up), and I am really praying to reach out to them. I rewrote the goals that I had for the girls…and really, for any Christian, these are the things that I would seek to encourage them on:

 

1.To know their life purpose. The reason why they were born, the work God has for them to do in your life, the direction God has called them. When they see God’s goal, they will move heaven and earth to reach it. To do this they must get to know God. First of course is salvation. Then there is a time of surrender. God is not going to show His will until they are surrendered completely to Him. This is a decision that they must make and continue to make as they find more areas of their life that are not yet given to God. (How? Through Bible studies and First Steps)

2. To have daily time with God. Where they actually read the Word, listen to God, study the Word and pray. This is where their life with God becomes real instead of fake. Memorizing is something that will change them from an average person to an unstoppable person.  (How? Though weekly accountability, Devos)

3. To honor, respect, and obey their parents and authorities. Even if they do not agree or the authority is mistaken—for the simple reason that it is God’s will for them to do so. Out of the entire Bible—this the one command aimed directly at young people. (How? Through Bible studies and activities aimed at serving and blessing authorities—special times with Mom’s, nursing home visits, thank you cards, Issues #1)

4. To be discipled and then start discipling someone. A person never knows things until they have to teach them to others. That’s when it really starts to become part of their life instead of random information stuck in their heads. This also involves evangelism. (How? Though weekly discipleship, Applications)

5. To have a ministry. Something where they are going out and looking for ways to bless others. I don’t want them to just settle for a job or making money, but for something that really brings out the person God made them to be by serving others. (How? Through more responsibility at the youth center—actually, this has to be something the girl desires to do and does on her own, Applications)

6. To desire to be pure in all they do, think, and say. Guys, clothes, music, TV, attitude, and mouth are specific areas that will not change until they see it is worth it because God is so much better than what this world has to offer. They have to see that it is not just about them—it is about those around them—who are affected more than they will ever know. To do this they have to hate evil and cling to what is good. (How? Through Bible studies, weekly discipleship, and special conferences aimed at specific issues, Issues #2, #3)

7. To have a clear conscience. To not have anyone able to look at them and say “you did ___ and never tried to make it right” to have everything in their past resolved so that it does not have control over their present and future. (How? Steps to Freedom, Coming Clean)

 

 SEVEN CONVICTIONS I WANT EACH GIRL TO HOLD TO:  

1. The Bible is the inspired Word of God and the final authority of my life

2. My purpose in life is to seek God with my whole heart and to build my goals around His priorities

3. My body is the living temple of God and must not be defiled by the lusts of this world

4. My activities must never weaken the spiritual convictions of another Christian

5. My money is a trust from God and must be earned and managed according to spiritual principles

6. My words must be in harmony with God’s Word, especially if reproving or restoring a Christian

7. My affections must be set on things above, not on things of this world–two things last forever: the souls of men and the Word of God–invest in those things.

 

****

When it comes down to it, it is about wanting the girls to be filled with the Holy Spirit and controlled by Him in all they do, think, or say. I needed to have more of a focus on where I am going, but I am not the judge of which kids are “successful Christians.” is it about filling out papers or checking off a list of things they did or did not do? No. God sees the heart, and thank goodness I can leave all the judging in His hands!

 

I have started my counseling class and am realizing that I need to seek to understand before I seek to be understood. My listening skills need to be worked on. And you know where God has put me? I also am doing a preschool practicum which has me working with 3-5 year olds 9 hours a week:)! It is a really neat experience. They are “at risk” children, meaning inner city and like the siblings of the kids at the center, and one boy especially has special needs. He is the greatest, and his name is Michael. I am sure I will have plenty of stories to tell about him!

 

Psalm 9:18 “For the needy shall not always be forgotten; the expectation of the poor shall not perish forever.” Matthew 13:17 “For assuredly, I say to you that many prophets and righteous men desired to see what you see, and did not see it, and to hear what you hear, and did not hear it.” With all that information about heaven, I feel like God is showing me special secrets. It is really neat.

 

Rachel

 

I was too weak

and I failed

God You know

that I tried

 

but my best

was not enough

I let in to my emotions

let the moment take control

 

but my prayer

has been answered

the prayer

I didn’t even know how to pray

 

unable to come to you

You came to me

and set me free

 

again and again

I’d get on my roller coaster

trying to get free

but desiring a thrill

 

at the end

the emptiness still there

the letdown

from dizzying heights

 

the lies whispered

into my ear

that the next time

would hold the key

 

but my prayer

has been answered

the prayer

I didn’t even know how to pray

 

unable to come to you

You came to me

and set me free

 

sometimes I saw the truth

the wasted emotional life

I lived

 

I would cry out

and make resolutions

and my list of do’s and don’ts

would grow

 

but my heart was

still attached

connected and tied

with bonds stronger than I

 

but my prayer

has been answered

the prayer

I didn’t even know how to pray

 

unable to come to you

You came to me

and set me free

 

and I cried

because it was

too beautiful to

contain

 

because I know

it would hurt

part of my heart

being removed

 

but the cut was deep and sure

and You came rushing

in to fill the void

 

it is the pain and beauty mixed

knowing You are working

in my life

counting me worthy

to go on

 

my prayer

has been answered

the prayer

I didn’t even know how to pray

 

unable to come to you

You came to me

and set me free

 

I’m released

to grow

let go

to fly

 

I’m emptied

to be be filled

with more of You

than ever before

 

 January 16, 2005

Hello! I am knee-deep in reading a big book titled “Heaven” and I have to come up for a breather and share what it says or I will burst. It is by Randy Alcorn and the back of the book says “The next time you hear someone say, “We can’t begin to imagine what Heaven will be like,” you’ll be able to tell them, “I can.”

 

wow. and double wow. There are some incredible quotes and so much good stuff that I can’t write all of it, but I will write some.

 

“There have been times when I think we do not desire heaven, but more often I find myself wondering whether, I our heart of hearts, we have ever desires anything else.” –C.S.Lewis

 

“Christ is not simply preparing a place for us; He is preparing us for that place.” The book talks about what the new earth will be like–I can’t believe so much Scripture was on it! Like the dimensions given in Ezekiel? Well, that would roughly be from the Appalachian mountains to California and from Mexico to Canada–but don’t forget it is a CUBE–so it is also that high. (he did not say this in the book, but I have always thought that this meant FOR SURE that I was going to get to fly in heaven, a big dream of mine.) It talks about doing and continuing our work. that really made me think. At first I was like, well, what in the world do I want to be doing for eternity? there won’t be problems to counsel and fix. no people needing encouragement in their depression, no children asking questions and needing to be taught…I thought that I might like to try alittle of everything, since I am not extraordinary at anything specifically. I think I would rather enjoy Rembrandts painting then do it–but you never know. and then it said this following quote, which greatly encouraged me. I think I will be very brilliant in some now undiscovered sport:).

 

“The smartest person God ever created in this world may never have learned to read because he or she had no opportunity. the most musically gifted person may never have touched a musical instrument. the greatest athlete may never have competed in a game. The sport you’re best at may be a sport you’ve never tried, your favorite hobby one you’ve never thought of…”

 

“In the truest sense, Christian pilgrims have the best of both worlds. We have joy whenever this world reminds us of the next, and we take solace whenever it does not.” –C.S.Lewis

 

“Heaven is not the absence of longing but its fulfillment. Heaven is not the absence of itches, it is the satisfying scratch for every itch.” This quote made me laugh because in my logic class at IUPUI, we had to diagram and dissect the “tactical (unstated) claims” made in this quote: “Without itches you would not have the enjoyment of scratching. Therefore, some evil is necessary to have good” (or something close to that).

 

“Why won’t we be bored in heaven? Because it’s the one place where both impulses–to go beyond, to go home–are perfectly joined and totally satisfied. It’s the one place where we’re constantly discovering–where everything is always fresh and the possessing of a thing is as good as the pursuing of it–and yet where we are fully at home–where everything is as it ought to be and where we find, undiminished, that mysterious something we never found down here…And that lifelong melancholy that hangs on us, this wishing we were someone else somewhere else, vanishes too. our craving to go beyond is always and fully realized. our yearning for home is once and for all fulfilled. the ahh of deep satisfaction and the aha of delighted surprise meet, and they kiss.” –Mark Buchanan

 

Did you know that after Columbus discovered the new world, on their coins Spain put “Plus Ultra” which means “More Beyond.” isn’t that beautiful?

 

When I came back from Brasil in ’99, I felt clearly that God said, in some weird way, that Brasil was mine. Going back this summer, Matthew 5:5 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” was a special verse to me. Inherit? I was like, what? you know what? I still don’t get it all, but maybe those deep desires God has put in me are not just for this life but the next. I certainly don’t know how to rule, but that is part of heaven. And I certainly don’t want to rule all of Brasil (YIKES!*giggle*), but…It is neat to imagine and wonder and know that it is gonna be good.

 

I stood and asked God today what He wanted me to do this year. And I thought that if this were my last year on earth, would I want to spend almost half of it in Brasil and the rest doing what I am doing. And you know, I answered a strong “yes.” And then I thought that if this was my last month on earth, would I want to be working at the center and taking classes…and again, affirmative. Isn’t God good to me? I am doing just what I would do if I had any choice in the world. That is incredible! I mean, of course there are little things like money issues (I would spend like no tomorrow and give it all away if there were no tomorrow)…and I think I would be more bold with strangers and outgoing and covet my time more…but I am where I am supposed to be. And each year I live on earth I want to be able to say that.

 

last week I was driving to pick up kids and suddenly I was crying. now, I know I am sometimes an over emotional girl, but normally I understand a bit of what is going on. but this time I had simply been thinking of heaven and life, and how I wanted life and this world to know that it had no hold on me. I wanted it all to fade away. and then the tears came and suddenly it was like it hurt to live. Someone asked me along time ago who was my Bible hero. I could not think of anyone at the moment, but now, years later, I have my comeback–Enoch. Anna said it was just because I wanted to be different:). But it is because he is the one that got to walk with God…and walk right up to God…or fly…or whatever happened.

 

“I saw a dying cosmos hold out its weak right arm, longing for a transfusion, a cure for its cancerous chasm. I saw the Woodsman (symbol for God), holding what appeared to be a tiny lump of coal, the same size as the blue-green marble he’d held before. The Woodsman squeezed his hand and the world around me darkened. just as I felt I would scream from the unbearable pressure, the crushed world emerged from his grip a diamond. I gasped air in relief. I saw a new world, once more a life-filled blue-green, the old black coal delivered from its curse and pain and shame, wondrously remade. It looked so easy for the Woodsman to shape all this with his hands. but then I saw his scars…and remembered it was not.” –From the novel “Edge of Eternity”

 

goodness. I hope you are not getting the wrong idea here and thinking I am morbid or living in space or “out there” somewhere. It is all just so real and true. I found the song that I want sung at my funeral someday. it is called “Closer to you” by Mark Schultz

 

Closer to me

I’m tired and I’m weak

and every breath within me

in longing just to be

Closer to You

so I face the road ahead

‘Cause I know there’s no comparing

To what’s waiting at the end

 

Chorus:

So let the rain start falling where it will

And I will run though this valley

just to climb to that hill

and if they ask why I’m smiling

After all I’ve been through

it’s cause I’m just a day closer to You

 

Closer to me

I hear You whisper in the wind

You say although my life is fading

a new one will begin

Closer to You

And I know I’m not alone

Cause I can hear You in the distance

Saying you are nearly home

 

Chorus

 

And if they ask why I’m dancing

though my days may be few

it’s cause I’m just a day closer to You

 

Closer to me

You’re in the laugher and the tears

Of the ones I leave behind me

Who have prayed me though the years

Closer to You

And I know it won’t be long

until You’re running down the pathway

and You take me in your arms

 

Chorus

 

And if they ask why I’m singing

though my life’s almost through

it’s cause I’m just a day closer to you

****

 

Plus Ultra,

Rachel