Thursday night I went to Tracunhaem with Edjane and became the “movie star” of the night. the kids kept asking if they could see the “Americana” until the teachers sheepishly asked me to come in the classroom and speak to them in English and my broken Portuguese. they wanted to learn some English and I returned to the ever worn out, ever used “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and toes” One girl kept whispering to Livia to tell me things in English. I finally went to her and told her I could understand alittle and she could talk to me. she shied away from me like I was an alien. my gosh. so I told her I had two hands, 10 fingers just like her…she just didn’t get it. I am beginning to see what it is like to just want to be able to disappear into the crowd. because I sure don’t. and really, I enjoy it–even flaunt it often–because hey, if they are gonna look, might as well give ‘em something to look at! I like the attention and never worrying abut having a place to sit. but it is rather exhausting. everywhere I turn there is a question, an expectation, a look or something wanted from me. and most of all, you miss the little things of being normal–like being squished in the backseat of the car instead of always offered the front seat.
Friday Tele and I had a good talk. Tele was talking about the future again, and I was talking about my worries again. then Tele just stopped and said something about how right now I am an intern. I am learning Portuguese to be able to move to the next step. the next step is being a missionary candidate. that means thinking about raising support, and committing to a 3 or 4 year term. well, the words “3 or 4 years” freaked me out…again. the thing is, Tele is going to the US in November. the main thing is starting this school in February. and my involvement. but he cannot go around talking about my involvement if I don’t know how involved I will be.
at that moment it entered into my soul the knowledge that I was sitting on the fence. and I had been there for a long time. and I needed to quit straddling it. it was one side or the other.
we talked some more about how I knew I was supposed to be in Brasil for this time, but did not know the future, as I always say,”I have not heard a ‘Thou shalt be a missionary in Brasil’ from God.” I knew that I loved it here and wanted to be here, but there were alot of things I wanted and they didn’t matter–only what God wanted mattered, and I did not know what God wanted. I voiced some concerns, like money and raising it, and how people say I am just here “to get a guy” (yep, I have gotten this from alot of people in the US and in Brasil–teasing mostly, but still I runs down deep into my heart), and as soon as they came out of my mouth, I knew they were petty excuses. so when we finished, I went up to the room, took out my contacts (because tears and contacts don’t mix) and let it loose.
I just fell before the Lord and felt a bunch of fears. I was even scared because I knew I was so full of fears. and I hated being scared, but I was scared that what I feared was true. that I am a coward at heart. that when the times comes, I will run away. that I will be unfaithful and disloyal. I was scared that I am not smart enough (to learn Portuguese among other things) and that I will let everyone down. I was just a little lost girl huddled in the corner.
fears are weird things. as soon as you voice them or write them down, they become so trivial and you wonder how it could have ever tied you into knots. but unspoken, they have utmost power. and that is scary in itself.
I was waiting for a mountain top experience. I have been waiting for quite some time. I don’t know exactly what for…the “THOU SHALT” to come really clearly, knocking me over the head so I would know for sure it was not me trying to sound like God. But sometimes it is not a mountain top thing. sometimes you don’t suddenly know what is the right choice. sometimes maybe you make a choice just because it is time to make a choice. my heart knew it was time.
and then the thought came that maybe I had known for years what the answer was, and I had just waited because I wanted to know for sure…I wanted to see each step before me before I took it. maybe I did not know for sure because then I really WOULDN’T live by faith–which I struggle with anyways–when I do see where to go.
I was straddling the fence…why? what was holding me back from saying “I am going to, by faith, serve God in Brasil for the rest of my life?”
and I knew the answer. fear. pure, unadulterated fear. fear of what? fear that people (especially family) would not approve or support me. fear of asking for money and being misunderstood or rejected, fear of not finding a guy or not having the guy I want because I am called to Brasil and that means he needs to have the same calling, fear of missing out on life in the US, fear that I am making a wrong decision like I have so many times in the past, fear of missing out on my family’s lives, and fear that I am just living in a dream world and someday I will wake up to reality, finding I was disillusioned the whole time. I don’t know, it just uncovered a whole new area of my heart that I did not really know was there. then I came to the conclusion that sometimes making the decision is the act of faith in and of itself.
with that, I realized it. I realized that when I was 16, and I heard the Lord speaking to me about Brasil, that I had been called to Brasil unconditionally. that those words “I am called to serve in Brasil, by faith, for the rest of my life” were true and always would be true.
my first thought was “what the heck took you so long?” my second thought was God’s reassurance: “I knew you were not ready until now to fully know. Rachel, don’t look back and think that all those years were wasted. Simply understand that they were necessary to bring you to this point. it could not have been done any other way.”
whew. so now my future is set in stone? I can kick back and say “hey, got it covered”? nope. not now more than ever. somehow I know everything and yet in know nothing. God can change everything in a moment. and I know turns come. but I know that I could never be satisfied with just coming for English camp or even as an intern again. I could never be happy knowing that Jeff and Lindsay (the others that are coming from the US) are here and I am not. that this life/ministry/service was going on and I was not connected with it. all my fears spoken sound so hollow. Because God is God and that settles everything “God’s work done God’s way will never lack God’s supply.” (I am thinking Hudson Taylor, but William Carey sounds like a good guess too)
So am I still scared? yes and no. money–it is in God’s hands. Guys–God wants the right guy for me even more than I do–(I mean, come on, it is not the whole population…it is just one guy in the whole world for me!) Approval? if it is God’s will, my parents will be for it and so will all those that truly matter. yikes! but there is a thrill there too. Something underneath my still-nagging fears says “Yeah, but I am here with you–and that means everything is gonna be fine.” I wonder about being home and my family’s birthday and anniversaries and special occasions…but God is big enough to work it out…and it just overflows my soul to think of my family coming to see me here (loving the things I love, and enjoying the things I enjoy) and somehow I get the idea it would be worth it to serve here just to bless them with the vision of it.
does this mean I will never question God? no, I probably have more questions now than before. but something down deep in my foundation is changed and altered and will never be the same. All of me is still on the alter just as it was before. even this knowledge of my calling is on the alter before God as all of God’s gifts must be given back to Him for His glory. So nothing has changed, yet everything has.
maybe it was alittle like my cooking the other day: before I started it looked like a daunting task. one that required more skill than I had. but I simply started and suddenly found myself giving out advice and orchestrating the meal and out pops some delicious spaghetti. it surprised me how good it was. and how simple it was. and how it made my previous fears look really silly.
Saturday we walked all over Nazare, stopped and bought a coconut and sipped it, walked around with Karine’s hand on one shoulder, David’s on the other, and Alyssa being her flighty 12 year old self bouncing around everywhere else. ahh. I love it. the cobblestone streets, the straight up and down hills lined with palm trees.
you know what is just perfect? Last year God gave me a verse as I was back in the US and struggling with fitting back in…and the same verse…well, it works for me now as I wonder about life, my calling, and this Great God who planned out my life: “In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” Psalm 94:19
“The cross is not the terrible end to an otherwise God-fearing and happy life, but it meets us at the beginning of our communion with Christ. When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” –Dietrich Bonhoeffer
