November 26, 2005

• In a weird way

  
  

  I love being alone and lonely

  
  

  I like the desolation of it all

  
  

  There is something satisfying in pain

  
  

  In not letting in to the numerous distractions around you

  
  

  And embracing the emptiness

  
  

   

  
  

  Loneliness is the same ache

  
  

  As when you are overwhelmed with beauty

  
  

  It speaks of heaven

  
  

  When all will be fulfilled

  
  

  There is something that refuses to quip whispering

  
  

  That God is still good

  
  

   

  
  

  The lump behind my heart is growing

  
  

  It crescendos with each breath

  
  

  And when it is gone

  
  

  I wish it back again

  
  

  Often when I am surrounded by laughing people

  
  

  I stop and wish to return to that solitary moment

  
  

   

  
  

  Maybe those are the moments

  
  

  I truly live

  
  

  I truly understand myself

  
  

  I truly grow and am free to hear God’s voice

  
  

  Could it be the rest of my life is only a mask

  
  

  To hide this real me

  
  

  Could it be that I am made from pain and loneliness

  
  

   

  
  

  I want this depth more than I want the comfort of a smile

  
  

  I want to be stretched

  
  

  I am too small for myself

  
  

  My life and body are crowding my soul

  
  

  And it is only these moments I escape and breathe

  
  

  And then I return

  
  

   

  
  

  But one day I will be free

  
  

  The moments I only escalate to now

  
  

  In pain and sorrow and loneliness

  
  

  Will be the real me

  
  

  Free the laugh with the same abandon that I write with now

  
  

  Free to enjoy without the fear it will all disappear

  
  

   

  
  

  The footsteps are returning

  
  

  The enchanted doorway closes

  
  

  Yet I reach my arm out for I want more

  
  

  Let me feel as I was meant to feel

  
  

  My petty emotions only tease me

  
  

  I was made for heights of greatness

  
  

  And I am tied so I only see the vision without obtaining

  
  

  It is cruel and yet I beg for more

  
  

   

  
  

  And if I can only reach it through pain

  
  

  Then lead on

  
  

  I desire it will all that my weakness can desire

  
  

  And if freedom only comes through death

  
  

  Then lead on

  
  

   

  
  

  Part of me is still locked up

  
  

  It keeps banging at the door

  
  

  If you want me to live

  
  

  Then give me life

  
  

  But give it to more abundantly

  
  

  Overwhelm me with it

  
  

   

  
  

  Consuming fire burn me through

  
  

  The walls I’ve built in my fear

  
  

  I have forgotten where I hid the key

  
  

  I love the tears that cool my face

  
  

  Releasing the sizzling pressure

  
  

  I give myself to it

  
  

  Close my eyes and fly out the window

  
  

   

  
  

  I cannot soar for long tied to earth

  
  

  My resolutions to abandon all

  
  

  Crumble quickly

  
  

  I shuffle past the world of feeling

  
  

  Into the world of placid existence

  
  

  Not knowing what my thoughts are

  
  

  Not knowing who I am

  
  

  Content to live like that for another couple of days

  
  

  Until my inner soul refuses to be silenced

  
  

  For it is much more convenient to ignore

  
  

  To stay in protection

  
  

  But that is not life

  • 7:48 pm
  • 1 Comment