February 5, 2006

• yeah, I was alittle loopy and wrote “ode to chapstick.” that is life.

  
  

  Do you ever feel like we’re all here just standing in line, waiting to be found out for the frauds we really are?

  
  

  i had “the moment” the other day. i was sitting in prayer meeting and suddenly had the thought “oh, i’d better pray good because i just gave my presentation in church and these ladies are thinking of me as a missionary now”

  
  

  isn’t that horrible? of all the disgusting thoughts that one takes me back. to pray for the reason of upholding some kind of image…gross. I have the feeling that i will have “the moment” again. i also have a sinking feeling that many people in ministry have this feeling. suddenly, people are watching. They have expectations. you get funny looks when you don’t act like a “normal” missionary/pastor/teacher/leader/whatever would do.

  
  

  So then Satan gives you these nudges saying “oh, you’d better do____because otherwise they won’t like it and they won’t support you or pray for you…” then he turns around and accuses you saying “see, you are just a fake because you only serve God because it is your image…” it isn’t fair. He doesn’t play fair.

  
  

  Am i a slave to society

  
  

  am i bound to what’s acceptable

  
  

  do i refuse to live life

  
  

  outside the box

  
  

  do i condemn all others

  
  

  who bite at normalcy

  
  

  who dare to rock the boat

  
  

  and get me wet

  
  

   

  
  

  are my fears

  
  

  of what they’ll think

  
  

  holding me back

  
  

  from life outside

  
  

  or are they right

  
  

  and all the dreamers

  
  

  give up when things are hard

  
  

   

  
  

  am i kicking against the goads

  
  

  am i supposed to hold

  
  

  on to the these loads

  
  

  is it all just a ruse

  
  

  to make me feel unsatisfied

  
  

  and used

  
  

  or is there hope

  
  

  is there more

  
  

  outside the box

  
  

   

  
  

  is it okay to do things

  
  

  unconventionally

  
  

  when is breaking the rules

  
  

  alright

  
  

  is this an issue of culture

  
  

  and society

  
  

  or of rejecting what i know

  
  

  is right and wrong

  
  

   

  
  

  is God only found in a church

  
  

  do i have to follow a prescription

  
  

  to get well

  
  

  do You meet me where i am

  
  

  or must i first meet expectations

  
  

   

  
  

  if everyone is against it

  
  

  is it my chance to stand alone

  
  

  or You telling me to change

  
  

  do i continue on

  
  

  or assume You’re telling me “NO.”

  
  

  have i given in to criticism

  
  

  because it was easy

  
  

  or because it was right

  
  

   

  
  

  How can i discern

  
  

  this illusive thing called

  
  

  the Will of God

  
  

  and does it ever change

  
  

  are my feelings important

  
  

  do You take them into account

  
  

  when You tell me what to do

  
  

   

  
  

  Will You change my heart

  
  

  to conform to Your will

  
  

  or is my heart revealing

  
  

  Where You’ll move

  
  

   

  
  

  Am i putting words

  
  

  in Your mouth

  
  

  because it is what i want to hear

  
  

  Am i scared of myself

  
  

  and so assuming You’ll say “NO”

  
  

   

  
  

  is it wrong to struggle

  
  

  to have questions and not know

  
  

  to admit Your way is unclear

  
  

  and want it to change

  
  

   

  
  

  do i built a wall around myself

  
  

  to guard against my weakness

  
  

  or do i let it down

  
  

  and let Your strength be sufficient

  
  

  even if i fall again

  
  

   

  
  

  i’d rather fall

  
  

  than be untouchable

  
  

  i’d rather believe in good and honor

  
  

  and die in ignorance

  
  

  than live to see evil win

  
  

   

  
  

  and if You want me to live

  
  

  not knowing and with no answers

  
  

  let me trust You

  
  

  Let me love you enough

  
  

  to love life in its uncertainty

  
  

  because i am certain of You

  • 3:52 pm
  • 3 Comments