“We may laugh and smile and play around…but underneath our hearts, our hearts are sad and heavy.” –My translation of Jaciara’s words as we looked at each other and realized that it is a long, long road home, and as long as we are here it will be hard.

 

I am overcome with sadness. With pain. I want to fall before the face of God and beg mercy for his people. I want to beg for his hand to be upon them. Life seems too big and heavy a thing to continue bearing. Two years ago I met an amazing group of people who attend the seminary here. Seminary here is different. You first get involved at church and in a ministry and then you begin classes to train you to further that ministry you are already involved in. It is hands-on stuff. It is deep. Six of these students are around my age and attend classes full-time: Gilson and Valdilene, Jaciara and Arthur, Carlos and Carlao. They worked here at the Alcance to pay for their classes, each one setting aside their personal interests to learn and receive training for the Lord. Each one has sacrificed so much. This year, there is not enough money for the students to live at the Alcance. Arthur, Carlos, and Carlao work here enough to receive some money to pay for the bus fare to get to class. Jaciara, my very good friend with a wonderful heart, has been living here during the week, working as secretary and cleaner. She was one of my first friends who always stuck with me when I knew no Portuguese and took hours to say one sentence as we passed around the dictionary. I just found out that this is her last week. We do not have enough money to pay her for her work or for her to live here. She will have to return home, and since she does not have money for the bus to come to class, will probably not be able to continue studying at the seminary. She has to get a job, finances being so tight in her family. There is no work where she lives, as Guadalajara is a poor community unable to support itself. She will have to go to Recife, live and work there through the week, and then return home on the weekends. The dangers there, the long hours, and having to stop classes and doing what she loves…why? Why I ask? Why is life so hard? Why does it grind our souls day after day to where the pain is always with us even when there comes some joy. It is bittersweet. I don’t want to say goodbye to Jaciara. Arthur and Carlao are also facing major problems. Arthur’s house is falling apart, his parents are sick and cannot work, so there is no one in his family to support them. He is continuing on, training to be the pastor at Guadalajara, but everything in him as well as those around him are screaming for him to quit and get a job to help his family. Carlao’s parents are not saved, in fact, his father used to beat him for coming to church—yet he continues on. He has absolutely no money. I don’t know how he does it. I’ve never seen him sad. During church greeting time, he is the one who continues on, shaking hands with everyone in the whole building.

 

I don’t know what I want. Part of me wants to find money somewhere and give out large amounts everywhere. Part of me wants to ask everyone I know for money. To give and give. Every part of the ministry is in need here. Each time I hear of the needs it tugs my heart and says “over here, over here, I need your help, I need your attention, I need your prayers—do something!” I know money is not the answer. Why does it always seem to be so much of the problem though? Part of me feels like life is this huge hole that I am constantly trying to fill but is always needy. Like no matter how much I give it will never be satisfied. Part of me wonders that even if a bunch of money did come in, how long would it be until we needed more? Would my part even make a difference? Would it calm the lion just for it to roar for more tomorrow? Part of me just wants to sit down and feel that God sees and knows. To know that He is hurting too. That He desires these needs met. But if He desires them met, why aren’t they met already? Is something missing? Am I forgetting something? Do I just need to be more humble or more patient or more loving and then the floodgates of heaven will come bursting forth? Is this some kind of lesson we are supposed to learn? And if so, why does it feel like a torment rather than a learning experience? I know this is wearing on Ricardo and Tele and everyone. It is hard for Tele to spend money on anything—such as Easter candy for the kids—with all these needs pressing on him. We’ve stopped the little extra things. They stopped building their house to save money, they moved to the Alcance to save money…and yet the needs continue to press.

 

I feel like screaming “WHAT DO YOU WANT GOD?” what is it? Is this your will? Because it sure does feel like the whole world is against it. It feels like punishment rather than adventure. Is there something wrong with us that you choose to not provide? That we don’t deserve abundance? And even if we did have money, God…there are still so many other problems. They seem to be coming out the wazoo. They are always with us as long as we walk this earth. They make us gasp and long and ache with a pounding heart for the day we will be set free. The day when all will be revealed and the dirt of our tears will wash away.

 

God I ask you, what can I do? I have been given knowledge of pain, I feel it and bear it. What can I do to relieve it? How do you desire to work in these situations? Surely you would not have me here, in this place, hearing of these things if you did not have something for me to do—what is it? Please let me know because it kills me to sit and do nothing. I cast these burdens before Your throne. I doubt and am weak and wonder of Your goodness. I want to see a miracle. I want to see them all around me, budding and blooming like flowers down the path. I want to see smiles on faces, joy and appreciation for You God, and all You are doing. Our hearts are sad and heavy—lift them to You again and again. May the light of Your continence shine upon us, and let us reap the harvest of abundance.

 

(Some of that was rather emotionally charged…but you get the idea.)

 

As far as school adventures, they found and torched another tarantula next to my classroom. The “next to my classroom” is the part that bothers me. Try teaching 5 year olds to say “refrigerator.” it has somehow turned into “Refriger-rachel” by accident, and I have the feeling that it is here to stay. I can see these kids all grown up saying “Honey, don’t forget to close the refriger-rachel!” what a memorial to my name. I gave Neto a plastic bag for his crayons and he went to his teacher and said, “Look what teacher Rachel gave me! I want to be her boyfriend!” hmm. If only life were that simple.

 

“Be kind, for everyone you know is facing a great battle.” –Philo of Alexandria

this is a shout out to my girls Wrianna and Erica…ya´ll better see this!

Erica and me. i love you girl. miss you. it was so good to hear your voice…

crazy times in the limo…Wrianna and Erica kepts us all laughing. see their reflection in the roof thingy? double the fun.

they are good for each other. except when Mountain Dew is involved. Thanks for e-mailing me Wrianna…make Erica see these pics for me, k? August will come soon than you think…

 

I saw my first street name sign in Brasil today. I was walking to the center and boom, there it was. I’d asked about street signs before, and everyone always knew the names of the streets without the signs I guess. I felt like it was a historic moment. I almost took a picture of it. but I’d forgotten my camera. Actually, it looked very nice and new and out of place. I think they should take it down. Why confuse everyone now?

 

There is a bat in my room. He makes a regular habit to fly around the room twice and then leave. I think he waits until the one moment I am not expecting him. And yes, he does it on purpose.

It is such a beautiful thing to give. I always feel self-conscious and wonder if the person will like it…then I see the gratitude in their eyes and feel unworthy to give. I feel like it is a priviledge far to great for me to receive. To bless someone else makes a day worth living.

 

I am waiting. Like a child ready to leave the room and enter the world I want to step out into all that God has for me. I want to walk into the light and let it’s powerful rays burn me through, searching out my hidden motives. I feel like I have only begun to see—to imagine what all God has—what all life is. There is so much more, but it will cost me everything to find it, to attain. Is this desire an invitation from God or do I have to wait for something more official?

 

I feel like I am valuable. Like I am worth 1000$. Nice.

 

Instead of teaching school on Friday, we had a weekend conference for the leaders and their families here in Brasil. The first one in 13 years. About 50 of the most amazing people I’ve ever met were here—people giving and living for God. Good stuff. Ivana, Karine, Alyssa, and I took turns taking care of the kids for the parents. Since I am still learning Brasilian kids songs, I make most of the words up…much to Alyssa’s dismay and the kid’s delight. Heh-heh (my evil laugh). The Lord really blessed and refreshed the families. It also was very clear how Satan was not happy and working on dividing the brethren. Please pray for our spiritual protection.

 

I went to Timbauba early Saturday morning. I caught the wrong bus so ended up taking a transfer in Nazare…and saving a nickel in the process. Who woulda thunk? I bought a coconut, found the center of the center, sat down and sipped my coconut while watching everyone do their thing. I passed a bakery and thought I’d try something new, so picked out a nice pastry looking thing. The first bite was great, and then the second one I bit into a…prune? Rather surprising. I normally think of prunes being for old people. Perhaps because they are wrinkly. Or because my grandpa always had prune juice. But my stereotype is being broken as it was absolutely delicious in this pastry. Prunes. Hmm. I had a great English class and so many people are interested that next week I am starting two classes. And thus continues Rachel’s adventures with the bus system.

 

“The world would be a much cleaner place if we ate our own trash.” –Justin Lookadoo

What a concept…what a name…

 

I slept for 12 hours straight Saturday night. I think something is wrong with me. Ivana said it was probably because I was carrying around 3 of my little students at once in the pool while they were trying to dunk me.

 

Had a thought. Another theory. I listened to a song “…My love is not my own, it all belongs to You…” and realized that for my whole life long it is about giving my love to God…not just during the single years, God bless them. I have this vision of sending my love up to God…then when He decides and on whom He decides He sheds my love upon others. The problem comes when we try to give our love to people on our own. This is idolatry. Normally, for girls, this turns their love into some kind of addiction to guys. They serious think they can’t live without so and so…and so give anything to keep him. For guys this normally turns love into lust—perverted love. That explains a lot.

 

“Teach a man a rule and you help Him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help him solve the rest of his life.” –John Eldredge, “Waking the Dead.”

Okay, If you read “Wild at Heart” you can’t stop there. “Waking the Dead” is…if not better, almost better. Blow me away.

Indian Day

the afternoon class…Mateus was more interested in the bubbles. L to R: Joao, Suelle, Adna, Mateus, Alexandra, Johnny, Mariana, Amanda, Mateus

aww. snow. my family. gotta love em.

even better

I love you Anna and Johnny!!!!!!!

I am free! Ahh! No class this afternoon and tomorrow because of “dia de tiredentes” Which is “day of removing teeth.” Actually, it is celebrating some great revolutionary who just happened to be a dentist also. But it was funny when Ivana was trying to explain it to me. I was like “you have a day to celebrate taking out teeth? That is rather traumatizing.” But hey, anything to have a day off school, right?

 

“I’m standing on the brink of something large, maybe like the rising of the sun…” –David Chowder

 

I don’t know what all it is, but I am looking forward to what God has for me…I can feel it is something big and that He wants to take me deeper. It is scary and will cost me everything and sometimes I want to retreat, but I am stepping out of my comfort zone again…”round and around she goes, where she stops, no one knows…” pray for me. I want it all. I want to let loose and step off.

 

Livia, who is three and my youngest (and cutest) student can count to ten in English. All by herself. What is funny is that she does not know how to count above three in Portuguese…

 

Neto went home saying, “How are you? I am five” (he is five years old, so it is true, but he was meaning to say “fine.”). His father corrected him to which he responded with “I go to school and learn English every day, and I know more than you. And my teacher is American, and she knows everything.” Do I smile or grimace in horror? Gotta work on the pride thing, eh?

 

God has been so good. Each week I’ve had specific requests, such as Carol suddenly deciding she didn’t like English (THAT is a definite problem…because you cannot teach someone anything if they have no motivation, and I have yet discovered a surefire way to instill motivation into a kid…besides candy, and I refuse to resort to bribes.) but she came back to school over the weekend excited to learn again. And then there was Amanda, who is so much smaller than the rest of the students…but she is doing much better now and speaking English a bit louder (before she would barely whisper). Milena, who declared I was “chato” (a pain, bore, annoying…) to her father the first week now enjoys correcting me—in English! The other day I told them it was “aula de Biblia” and she said, “No teacher, BIBLE class!”

 

Yesterday was “dia de Indians” so we made “feather” hats, painted our faces, and danced around the room singing “one little, two little, three little Indians…” and yelped our war cries. My nine kids in the afternoon decided they all wanted their hats made the same minute so I was furiously cutting out feathers when I cut myself instead…the kids were dancing around chanting “sangue, sangue” (blood)…it was crazy fun. I love it.

 

It is raining right now…with the sunshine. You feel the heat and stand in the shadow while getting wet. My favorite. The cobblestone street is getting darker and now the numerous crevices are filled with little puddles that reflect the sunlight. People are running for cover. I love the sound on the tile roof.

Ok. she is just too cute. that is why i keep putting pictures of Livia on here.

Here is the morning school picture…complete with Easter baskets that we…er…they made.

my afternoon class and our blue tongues. i had this candy spray stuff from ages ago and they loved it. i think they liked it more than the whole Easter egg hunt thing. too bad. i guess you can’t start a new tradition all in one year.

Alyssa and John on Easter Morning…ahh.

oh yeah.

 

“Tell God all that is in your heart. As one unloads one’s heart, its pleasures and its pains to a dear friend, tell Him your troubles that He may comfort you, tell Him your joys that He may sober them, tell Him your longings that He may purify them, tell Him your dislikes that He may help you conquer them, talk to Him of your temptations that He may shield you from them, show Him the wounds of your heart that He may heal them, lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved taste for evil, and your instability. Tell God how self-love makes you unjust to other people, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others also.” –Francois Fenelon, quoted in “Falling in Love with Prayer” by Mike Macintosh. He is the pastor of my Aunt and Uncle’s church. He gave my brother a stuffed animal on Christmas morning. I will respect and appreciate that man for the rest of my life for that. Amazing what a small present given at the right time will do.

 

Easter was good. I bought 30 eggs (unfortunately, I picked the rotten ones…hey, how the heck do you know if eggs are rotten or not? Especially in Brasil where they never refrigerate eggs. That is just scary) with the idea of hard-boiling them and having an Easter egg hunt. Traditionally, they don’t do that in Brasil, so I figured it would be a good lesson in American tradition. I told Heather about it, who looked alittle worried…the kids would think it was alittle weird looking for eggs if they were not chocolate (chocolate eggs are HUGE deals here), and then told me we couldn’t hunt them outside because of scorpions, snacks, and tarantulas that live in the bushes. The night before the egg hunt, Heather and Alyssa decided to blow out the eggs, fill them with candy, and then cover them with fabric (they don’t sell plastic eggs here that you can fill. Who would have thunk it?) which took FOREVER and a day. But the kids loved it, even if they didn’t get the plain old hard-boiled eggs.

 

I went with Tele and family to Candeis—the apartment in Recife next to the shark-infested beach. But it is still a beach. I figured with all the other people swimming farther out, the sharks would be full by the time they got to me, but nooooo, it was made very clear to me that I would NOT be swimming. Oh well. Easter morning found us walking the beach at 6:30am. What a great way to start off a day. I kept remembering the quote “Live as if Jesus died yesterday, rose today, and is coming tomorrow.” I think Martin Luther wrote it. and watching the sun reflect off the waves while the surf buried my feet in the sand made me agree with good old Martin.

 

I’ve been reading “The Dream Giver” by Bruce Wilkinson. Good stuff. This is my summary from the story, and I am amazed to see how this is exactly the path I’ve traveled…and AM traveling. Whoa. I always get alittle slap happy when I see a pattern in life. It always looks so much better to have it down on paper.

 

1. You start off an ordinary, normal person living a familiar life


2. Then comes a nagging feeling that something is missing


3. You have a big dream to meet a big need in the big world


4. You tell someone and they doubt you, so you keep it to yourself


5. But it builds up until you’ll burst if you don’t share it–you realize that you were BORN for this


6. You finally give in and decide you will do whatever it takes to go after your dream


7. You tell everyone about your dream


8. You make sacrifices and changes for this dream, leaving your comfort zone


9. You realize that to do what you love most, you have to do what you fear most


10. You hit a wall of fear


11. In God’s strength, you pass the fears and feel amazing freedom


12. You run into boarder bullies…people who want to protect you, people who don’t believe you, people who don’t want you to change things, or people who just want to stop you from reaching your dream right when you are on the boarder


13. You also run into boarder busters…people who dream with you and help you understand the truth and not doubt


14. You try to explain and persuade the boarder bullies to understand, but you continue on no matter what


15. You enter a time where you cannot see your dream and things seem to go on and on and you can’t see God. You feel alone


16. You become angry with God—where are His promises?


17. God gives you faith to go one step at a time without seeing more


18. Slowly you begin to see how God was working and providing and WITH YOU the whole time


19. You receive an invitation into His presence. You feel Him close


20. You walk into the light and God reveals your impurities and washes you clean


21. You become so close to God you feel like you are one


22. You finally see all the promises and Your dreams


23. God asks you to give back your dream to Him—you have a choice—your dream or God


24. You struggle and surrender and walk away from your dream knowing God is enough


25. God gives back the dream in a new and real way


26. You begin to face “giants”—problems and obstacles before you are ready for your dream


27. God gives the Holy Spirit and His Word (truth) as your weapons as you begin the spiritual battles


28. You have fellowship with other Christians who are fighting along side you


29. Each giant (problem, opposition, obstacle) is an opportunity for God to give honor and receive glory


30. You learn to fight for others and take on their giants in Christ


31. You feel a certain need and begin to try to help—it hits your heart and you can’t ignore it


32. You realize that THIS was the big dream you had all along


33. You work hard and are fulfilled doing what you love to do the most


34. You are joined by other dreamer and teach others how to dream


35. You are called away by God to begin the whole process again…leaving everything familiar and digging deeper, finding a new facet to this amazing dream that God has given you.

 

Wow. What a life.

Do you understand

When I say

“I love you”

 

do you realize it means

I am never going to change that

Do you know that

I’m never giving up

That I’ll never leave

I’ll never replace you

 

Do you understand

When I say

“You are enough”

 

do you realize it means

I accept you

As you are

That you please me

And thrill my heart

Even with seeing

All your faults

 

Do you know that

I see you as perfect

And that I will

Cheer every victory you have

But they are not necessary

Or a way of earning my love

 

You already have it

There is no way to take more

But we can learn it’s value

Worth and depth

As time passes

 

Do you understand

When I say

“You are beautiful”

 

do you realize it means

there is something I see

when I look at you

that delights me

in a way no one else can

 

do you know that

I don’t want to look away

That I don’t compare you

To any one else

Or think you need to

Change a thing

 

Do you understand

When I say

“I forgive you”

 

do you realize it means

I’ve taken the pain

You have caused

I felt it

And resolved it

I paid the price

Of your choices

And now it is covered

Now you are clean and free

And have the power

To forgive yourself

To forgive others

 

Do you know that

I won’t use your past

Against you

To get my way

To shame you into doing right

 

Do you understand

When I say

“I am proud of you”

 

do your realize it means

I boast about you to others

That you make me smile

That I know you are

Going to do something amazing

Each day you open your eyes

 

Do you understand

When I say

“I believe in you”

 

do you realize it means

that even if it looks

like you’ve fallen

and won’t get up

I look at you and see

A miracle

Of what will be

 

Do you know that

I connect my name with yours

That you represent me

To people who don’t

Even know me

 

Do you understand

When I say

“I have a plan for you”

 

Do you realize it means

I not only took the time

To know you completely

But I found the thing that will

Complete you more than

Any other thing

And I planned it for you

I made a way for you

To have it

To do it

To be it

What are these shackles that bind

That limit every victory

What is the name of this wall

That stands between

progress and success

 

What is this dam

that reigns the water in

Stopping the flow of the river

Commanding the changes to cease

 

I join forces

And claim the victory

Together riding out

To fight the enemy

 

I start out so well

But before the battle’s done

Before I can taste the freedom

 

This invisible blockage

Knocks me off my feet

My nameless foe

Returning to haunt me

 

And everything returns

To as it was before

It erases my memory

And makes me wonder

If I even tried

To break free

Of where I am today

 

I look over my shoulder

At the past

And find it resembles today

What happened to my resolve

What happened to the power

To grow and change and press on

 

Will my future be the same

Has this box I live in

Become my world

 

Is it true that no one

Ever really changes

Only re-arranges

 

Where are the promises

And why does it look like

They’ve failed

Where is the Truth

The Words that make my enemy fear

 

What is the problem

Holding me hear

What is it going to take

To unmask this enemy

To destroy this power

To march forward

And take the life

That was meant for me

April 11

 

I spent half an hour trying to feed five kittens with an old insulen needle. You have the really loud one screeching, two other ones meowing, and then the quiet one and the hissy one. When you try to feed them, they suddenly find everything else more interesting than the needle and let the milk dribble down their chin. So I put them back and grab a different one only to find the same thing happen again. I don’t even like cats. Why am I trying to rescue these? I haven’t really decided yet. Why or how. The mother cat got run over on Sunday. I can’t walk down the hall without hearing their incessant longing, begging, demanding voices.

 

They are doing “American Idol” in Brasil (Brasilian Idol?) and had tryouts in Recife. My friend Leniusion sang for them, but they told him he would be a better radio announcer than a contenstant on their show. Hey, at least he was on TV.

 

Today one student said “You are very beautiful, Teacher” (in English) so I thanked him and asked if he really knew what he was saying. The kids really like classes, and actually asked if we HAD to have a vacation day for Easter this Friday. Wow.

 

I have learned an interesting custom in Brasil. Oftentimes, they give “chehiros” instead of hugs. “Chehiros” are literally “smells.” You go up to a person, stick your nose in their hair, and take a quick wiff. The person receives this invasion of space as a motion of affection. Hmm. Rather odd. I think it might be awhile before I adapt this custom. It is making me rather self-conscious about how my hair smells, and the first time someone did it I thought they were looking for dandruff or something.

 

I had my first English class in Timbauba on Saturday. 13 students, and they asked how many more were allowed to come…rather taken aback, I said I probably could not handle more than 20. I hadn’t really thought they were interested, as I’d offered to teach and they’d put it off for over a month. I was wondering if it was even really worth it to try…God must be laughing at me againJ. I spent the night at a very nice, wealthy home where I used silk sheets and an air conditioner. The air conditioner messed up my throat, but I rather like silk sheets. Ahh.

 

Sunday we went to Laoga De Itaenga. Ricardo decided that since I am a part of the ministry team, I need to do more than smile (which was my original game plan) so he put me in charge of teaching the children a Bible verse. In Portuguese. And the first verse they were to learn was John 3:16. do you have any idea how LONG John 3:16 is in Portuguese? I realized the extent of this familiar—now not so familiar—verse was when I tried to memorize it. and another problem was that “Only Begotten” in Portuguese is rather similar to “toilet paper.” While learning it, I had visions of children repeating with me “…That He gave his toilet paper Son…” thank GOODNESS this did not happen. To learn it, I wrote the verse out on different papers and then would turn them over until the whole verse was gone. The plan worked fine until I kept having to cheat because I forgot the verse too. Bleh. I think the children found it rather entertaining. At least they had fun.

 

After the lesson, one lady gave me a Jaka. Our last time there, she’d given us Jaka, but it was the soft kind. The soft kind is stringy and mushy and…I think that dispite my valiant attempt at facial control she knew I didn’t like it. So this time she gave me a hard Jaka, which everyone said tasted much better. I thanked her and we left. When Ricardo dropped us off and cut it open for me (it is a weird green spiky thing) he told me she’d walked two hours—one hour there and one back—to get the Jaka for me. I decided right then and there I’d like Jaka for the rest of my life. I am so humbled that someone would do that. I felt too unworthy to eat such an expensive gift. The lady is older and has a hard time getting around. Please pray that God would bless this incredible woman. I don’t know her name. Just call her “Jaka woman.” God knows.

 

I went downtown yesterday to buy some things and ran into Heather on my way back, who was alittle worried and had her “not again Rachel” look on her face. For my side of the story, it wasn’t COMPLETELY dark yet, just late dusk. She simply said “Rachel, you do know that we don’t have the money to pay ransom for you.” Hmm. I asked what it would take and how old I’d have to be before she stops feeling responsible for me. the answer? “Until you’re married.” So it will be awhile.