May 3, 2006
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April 30
Now that I have actually gone through the “most embarrassing moment” everyone fears, I feel like I have no reason to ever be embarrassed again. Whew. Well, that makes life easier.
Yep, I ate this fried corn on the cobb thing, got this black stuff stuck all over the front of my teeth, and then taught an English class with more than 20 students. For an hour and a half. No one said a word. Clueless, totally clueless. They didn’t even snicker or smile behind their hands. It wasn’t until I went to wash my hands for lunch that I saw a mirror and…gross. Horror. All those feelings. Oh well. Then I ate lunch and tried this stuff that tasted like sugar syrup with lumps of cheese in it. I think that is really what it was. And by that time, life had passed and I was over being embarrassed and now find it quite funny. How ever did my students manage it?
I read Luke 20 yesterday. The story Jesus tells about a man building a vineyard, leasing it, then sending servants to get the money. They kill the servant…and beat up or kill the following ones. I am thinking that dang, why is he still sending them? Then he sends his son. Sounds dumb to me. Jesus ends the story saying that the man will kill those men and give the vineyard to others…obviously. The Pharasees are like “Certainly not!” and they knew Jesus was talking about them. I didn’t really get the story. It made God look dumb. So I sat in the bus on the way to Timbauba and told God my thoughts. I have been reading more and more Scripture that makes entirely no sense to me. Like the concubine who got raped, cut up, and sent to all the tribes so they could go to war and end up killing over 50,000 people and almost wiping out a whole tribe. Or the man who was waiting, lame, for 38 years before Jesus came and healed him. I wonder if that man’s mom was praying for him the whole time…or perhaps she gave up after…say, 12 years? I don’t think I have prayed for anything specifically longer than a couple years.
Ironic, because I feel spiritually as close to God as I’ve ever felt…I even feel His presence…and yet, I have had some of the biggest questions and doubts of my life. You know what? I think that the closer you get to God maybe the more questions you have, not less. It is only after you begin understanding and exploring something that you open the door to hundreds of more questions about it. and doubts. When I was younger I was scared to doubt God, scared to voice my fears not because they were irreverent or blasphemous—but because I think I was worried that they might be true. Oswald Chambers says that out biggest fear is not that we will fail, but that all we believe in—that our Hero will fail and be defeated. I think it was only after I got to know God and realize that He is God no matter what I think or say that I was comfortable enough to speak my thoughts. My thoughts like “God, that is not fair—You are not fair!” or “This is dumb and right now I feel like You are evil and cruel and enjoy tormenting me.”
I mean, it is only the person we love and believe in that we take the time to help when we see they have a problem or when we have a problem with them. Because we know that through talking we can work through the situation and in the end, be better off for it. So, God Almighty, who needs no vindication and no explanation, and I had some very frank conversations about life this week. And I don’t really understand and more questions are on the brink of my brain…yet I am suddenly full of love for God and feel the “all is right in the world” smile on my face.
So God is not afraid of looking dumb. I am amazed at how I still get worried and try to make God look better by my little phrases like “oh, well, honey, it could not be that bad…” it is that bad. And I don’t know why. And I don’t know when God is going to do a miracle. Has there always been this many problems going on in the world and I just never knew it? am I that dense? Don’t answer that.
Life is a war and I am disgusted by people who sit on their butts in front of the TV and forget everything else. but part of me envies them. Often I join them. Part of me is amazed at how clearly I see and the other part of me wishes I could just forget and relinquish all responsibility. When will the walls fall down? When will You be vindicated? I feel like I’d pay any price to see You proved, God. People are talking bad about You. I am doubting You. I want to be a rock, but I am rolling away. My theories of how You work are washing out.
I found myself
Yelling at you
Burning inside
Because I am tied
And helpless to do
Anything about it
I guess that is what
True love is
Looking at the real you
Full in the face
Without hiding anything
Without anything beautiful
And finding that
I love you even more
I guess that is what
True love is
Overwhelmed at the complexity
Of life
And knowing the road is full
Of pain
Of being hurt and hurting back
You step back and wonder
If it is all even worth it
And finding that
I love you even more
I guess that is what
True love is
All illusions gone
And being flooded with
The knowledge that
No matter what the cost
No matter what the pain
There is nothing else you want
And finding that
I love you even more
