The view from my window at 5:30am one morning. rain and sunshine.  i love it.

see? red hair. not that big a deal…

Happy Mother’s day Mom! i LOVE you bunches!!!

I am sick of saying

To try again

I am tired of trying

To find a recipe

For success

 

I say the dreaded word

That I don’t know

The answer

 

It is a wall

With no windows

A divider

With no end

 

When will it fall

When will you walk free

When will He call

And You learn to see

 

If God is real

Then He is true

If He is true

Then what He says

Will happen

 

If what He says

will happen

then I’ll see miracles

in Your life

 

the wall will fall

You will walk free

He will call

And you will see

 

What am I waiting for

Holding on to pain

When is the moment

Hope turns into reality

 

No, I don’t understand

Why release does not come now

I don’t see why You are

Waiting to work

 

I shake my fist

in anger

My rage dies down

To tears

 

I stand up again

You did not punish me

For doubting

I see nothing different yet

 

The wall will fall

You will walk free

He will call

And you will see

 

All there is

All that life means

And where you fit

And you will grow

I walked out the door. I wanted to get away. No sane thought entered my mind expect the desire for solitude. I felt pain pulsing inside me screaming for release. I wanted to hit something to destroy it, to hurt physically in hopes of bleeding my inward pain dry. Nature seemed to mock my pain. Noise joined in chanting that it would not last. That I was too weak to even contain my rage. That I would let it go, walk back in, and sit down to the zombie life of doing what I am told, feeling some resemblance of happiness, and calling it a day. I hit the pole a couple of times. One for every pain, every thought, every fear. I sat down rather exhausted.

 

She came storming out. Walking determinedly toward me. I was annoyed. They couldn’t even let me alone. They were to strapped to their fears of safety to let me have a moment of sanity and clear my thoughts. To sort them into something liveable. She picked me up and held my arm tight. I was not getting loose and we both knew it. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t know what I wanted to say anyways, and I certainly didn’t want to do it in a different language. I don’t remember what she said. I don’t think I translated it in my head—I just knew. And I don’t remember what I said, but it explained what I was thinking. You don’t have to say much. Because I knew I didn’t have to say anything at all.

 

She didn’t let me go. She walked me around, leading wherever she wanted. My feet moved without me willing them. The tears came. It wasn’t really about the problems. Before it was all the pain pushing in on me until I could not breathe. Suddenly now it was just me. why couldn’t I do more? Why couldn’t I change things? Why aren’t my prayers working? What is wrong with me—my prayers—were they defective? Is there some big problem with me that I am oblivious to? That I don’t even realize is holding me back? And worse, if the problem isn’t me, then is it God? I’d rather blame myself than doubt Him, because then I feel doubly guilty. So does God care? Does He want me to do penitence until I’ve been correctly punished? Is he waiting to step in so everyone sees how great He is and until then we can just gasp and writhe in our torture?

 

We continued our rounds of the grounds until my sobs subsided. I as left with a dull headache and the desire to get my contacts out before they became glued to my eyes. No answers. No solutions. No new knowledge. I told her I felt better. And I did. Somehow, without hearing from God, without anything, I knew God was still God and I didn’t have to stand up for Him. I didn’t have to understand Him. I didn’t even have to believe Him. He is who He is and somewhere in my tears either I inadvertently took the cares of my heart and threw them, rather irreverently, at His feet. Perhaps that is what tears do. Signal of defeat. Of surrender. Of “Take it, because it is too much for me.” He took them from me. Then I could sleep.

 

red hair. pictures to follow.

April 30

 

Now that I have actually gone through the “most embarrassing moment” everyone fears, I feel like I have no reason to ever be embarrassed again. Whew. Well, that makes life easier.

 

Yep, I ate this fried corn on the cobb thing, got this black stuff stuck all over the front of my teeth, and then taught an English class with more than 20 students. For an hour and a half. No one said a word. Clueless, totally clueless. They didn’t even snicker or smile behind their hands. It wasn’t until I went to wash my hands for lunch that I saw a mirror and…gross. Horror. All those feelings. Oh well. Then I ate lunch and tried this stuff that tasted like sugar syrup with lumps of cheese in it. I think that is really what it was. And by that time, life had passed and I was over being embarrassed and now find it quite funny. How ever did my students manage it?

 

I read Luke 20 yesterday. The story Jesus tells about a man building a vineyard, leasing it, then sending servants to get the money. They kill the servant…and beat up or kill the following ones. I am thinking that dang, why is he still sending them? Then he sends his son. Sounds dumb to me. Jesus ends the story saying that the man will kill those men and give the vineyard to others…obviously. The Pharasees are like “Certainly not!” and they knew Jesus was talking about them. I didn’t really get the story. It made God look dumb. So I sat in the bus on the way to Timbauba and told God my thoughts. I have been reading more and more Scripture that makes entirely no sense to me. Like the concubine who got raped, cut up, and sent to all the tribes so they could go to war and end up killing over 50,000 people and almost wiping out a whole tribe. Or the man who was waiting, lame, for 38 years before Jesus came and healed him. I wonder if that man’s mom was praying for him the whole time…or perhaps she gave up after…say, 12 years? I don’t think I have prayed for anything specifically longer than a couple years.

 

Ironic, because I feel spiritually as close to God as I’ve ever felt…I even feel His presence…and yet, I have had some of the biggest questions and doubts of my life. You know what? I think that the closer you get to God maybe the more questions you have, not less. It is only after you begin understanding and exploring something that you open the door to hundreds of more questions about it. and doubts. When I was younger I was scared to doubt God, scared to voice my fears not because they were irreverent or blasphemous—but because I think I was worried that they might be true. Oswald Chambers says that out biggest fear is not that we will fail, but that all we believe in—that our Hero will fail and be defeated. I think it was only after I got to know God and realize that He is God no matter what I think or say that I was comfortable enough to speak my thoughts. My thoughts like “God, that is not fair—You are not fair!” or “This is dumb and right now I feel like You are evil and cruel and enjoy tormenting me.”

 

I mean, it is only the person we love and believe in that we take the time to help when we see they have a problem or when we have a problem with them. Because we know that through talking we can work through the situation and in the end, be better off for it. So, God Almighty, who needs no vindication and no explanation, and I had some very frank conversations about life this week. And I don’t really understand and more questions are on the brink of my brain…yet I am suddenly full of love for God and feel the “all is right in the world” smile on my face.

 

So God is not afraid of looking dumb. I am amazed at how I still get worried and try to make God look better by my little phrases like “oh, well, honey, it could not be that bad…” it is that bad. And I don’t know why. And I don’t know when God is going to do a miracle. Has there always been this many problems going on in the world and I just never knew it? am I that dense? Don’t answer that.

 

Life is a war and I am disgusted by people who sit on their butts in front of the TV and forget everything else. but part of me envies them. Often I join them. Part of me is amazed at how clearly I see and the other part of me wishes I could just forget and relinquish all responsibility. When will the walls fall down? When will You be vindicated? I feel like I’d pay any price to see You proved, God. People are talking bad about You. I am doubting You. I want to be a rock, but I am rolling away. My theories of how You work are washing out.

 

I found myself

Yelling at you

Burning inside

Because I am tied

And helpless to do

Anything about it

 

I guess that is what

True love is

 

Looking at the real you

Full in the face

Without hiding anything

Without anything beautiful

 

And finding that

I love you even more

 

I guess that is what

True love is

 

Overwhelmed at the complexity

Of life

And knowing the road is full

Of pain

Of being hurt and hurting back

You step back and wonder

If it is all even worth it

 

And finding that

I love you even more

 

I guess that is what

True love is

 

All illusions gone

And being flooded with

The knowledge that

No matter what the cost

No matter what the pain

There is nothing else you want

 

And finding that

I love you even more