my English class again.

Anna’s hair. with the lady bug scissors. i gotta get some new scissors. pretty dramatic. if you think it looks good, it is because i cut it, if you think it looks bad, it is because she made me do it.


Poor David. please do pray for him. and because hepatitis A (Jeff wants me to make sure you know this is not a sexual transmitted disease. it is a liver problem and) is catchy.

I must say it is hard to hold my head up high as an American
at the moment. We simply stank in the world cup. Nothing else to say about
that. David has hepatitis A…meaning he is yellow (and they go around singing
the Coldplay song about yellow) and has to stay in bed for two weeks. Bleh. And
everyone else seems to be getting sick…thank goodness at alternate times. If
you are going to get sick, at least coordinate the time, right? Rain, rain and
more rain. We played futebol on Friday in the mud, everyone has matching black
and blue knees from slipping around on the field. Make sure to see Anna’s new
haircut in the following pictures. and my brother lost his first tooth. Inside an apple. Wish I had a
picture of that.

I think whoever invented school plays was sadistic.
Organizing 13 children to do 8 different acts is my idea of torture. But I will
have pictures soon. And this too shall pass. And from the door (Neto) to the
flowers (Lili and Milena) and Baby bear…they are cute. Good thing too.
 

Sao Joao came and passed, the traditional festival
celebrating St. John
and corn. What John and corn have in common I have yet to figure out. But the
corn stuff is good—corn cake, pudding, bread and this stuff called “Pamoina”
which I cannot explain (but it is good).  

You know those “choose your own adventure” books? In my life
I can feel the pages turning to the next choice…but all I want is to figure out
the book. To solve it like I used to do those books—find which page is the
best…work backwards from there so that I don’t make any mistakes. So I don’t
run into something I cannot handle. 

I don’t know what I need or want or should have. And the
Storywriter does not seem to be giving me any cues. That is why I am so quick
to give advice and take control—because I want to make a happy outcome and
because I want to “work the strings” for things to go my way—ultimately, to
manipulate people and God to see things my way. And I am always so sure that
they will then change and say “oh thank you Rachel, for showing me that, now everything
will be better and happy.” But control and manipulation do not equal change.
And normally people are neither grateful nor happy about my taking
responsibility to fix them. 

And God—what about Him? Oh God, I have a warped view. Like
Job’s friends, I’ve fallen for the formula of “do good, and it will be okay for
you” and then person after person keeps coming into my life that I cannot
explain away. And so like Job’s friends I sit down astounded for seven days and
then begin to open my mouth and pour out my advice…and really…condemnation. God
does not come and explain Himself. And Job is fine with the. It was enough for
Job to know God for who He really is. That changed everything. Oh.

“The desire is the same: taming God in order to tame life.
If the system isn’t working it’s because we’re not doing it right…The arrows
tell us that we must arrange for what little life there may be, manipulating
our world and all the while watching our backs…”if I don’t want so much…I won’t
be so vulnerable.” If we deny the wounds or try to minimize them, we deny a
part of our heart and end up living a shallow optimism that frequently becomes
a demand that the world be better than it is.” –John Eldredge “The Sacred
Romance” 

“Romance is the deepest thing in life, romances is deeper
even than reality.” –G.K.Chesterton

“God is wild. How can you trust a lover who is so wild?
Answer: you could love Him if you knew His heart was good…It is only when we
see God as the Hero of the larger story that we come to know His heart is
good.”

I’m re-reading “The Sacred Romance” and wow. I feel like it
is the story of my life spoken in truer words than I have lived them. 

“We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all
forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are” –Chesterton

yuck. i am sick. gross.

I don’t like good-byes. and it seems like i have alot of them. i wrote this for my friends and all the amazing people in Timbauba.

I looked into your eyes

And saw the pain I put there

You know I’d do anything

To change it

To take it back

But it is not up to me

I am on a road

Narrow and winding

I do not see where

I am going

So I make no promises

I pack my bag and go

But I want you to know

You are my brother

You are my sister

And I don’t know when it happened

But you took a piece of me

And whenever we meet again

I will look and see

How a part of you

Is a part of me

Now I see and understand

Without needing to use words

That we are family

We are part of a whole

A different language

A different world

But somehow we will always 

Be connected

You are my brother

You are my sister

And I don’t know when it happened

But you took a piece of me

And whenever we meet again

I will look and see

How a part of you

Is a part of me

We finally got a chance to play futebol. Anna vs. Rachel. bwahahah

Rachel, in a rare-action footage…

and one more, just because it is a good picture. ha. Church in Timbauba is amazing. We got together Saturday night just because and ended up singing–in English and Portuguese for about two hours. gotta love it.

L to R: Daniel, Me, Anna, Diego, Iuzo, Messinho, Raul

this is one of my English classes in Timbauba. i am a truely horrible teacher and don’t know half of their names. opps.

Don’t i look professional? grin. this weekend was my last for classes, because now we are getting ready for school to end and for the groups from the US to come…we are super excited.

Here is a picture of my afternoon class. all in all, over 30 people came (and went–some of them couldn’t keep studying) to the classes. wow. one of the coolest things ever was that we all practiced and sang “He is Able” in English for church. everyone invited their families .

They did amazing–and the church was full of visitors who heard the gospel. Tele wants to start this kind of ministry (free English classes) at the central church too.

Before we sang, Josue called me forward and they all prayed for me. They prayed for God to provide the finances for me to hurry up and come back next year…as well as praying for my Dad, since it was Father’s day last Sunday, and my Dad had let his two daughers go off to another country. But Dad (since he DOES read this ), Brasilians celebrate Father’s day in August, so i’ll be there then.

wow. that was an incredible day in my life.

this is my English class at the Alcance:
L to R: Reinaldo, ? (oh dear, i forgot his name), Fernanda, Danny, me, Marcello, Ricardo, Ivana, Anna, and the piano player that i forgot his name too. opps.

Somehow our bodies continue living 

When we die inside 

Pain and trouble grab 

A little part of my heart

And freeze it in the moment

But the rest of me goes on

This piece of me

Struggles and screams

It cries out for mercy

And for restoration

For the answers

To its questions

And yet the rest of me

Takes a breath

And pushes on without it

Life says to just

Make it through another day

Lifeless and empty

To keep walking without

A heart

How did I get here?

My eyes open to living 

Life broken 

He comes and takes me back

To the day

To the moment

The crisis of pain

Gently holds

My weeping heart

And puts it in again

This piece of me

Struggles and screams

It cries out for mercy

And for restoration

For the answers

To its questions

He says He wants all of me

And He’ll help me find each part

It is an invitation 

To live

To hurt

To cry

An invitation

To become whole

so what does “WTF” stand for anyways?

I reached a moment

When I feel real

I don’t know how

I got here

But now that I’m here

I want to stay

I am alone

Without pen and paper

With my thoughts

Taking me away

Past the crowds

That walk on by

Pretending

That they are not

Running away

Trying to be satisfied

With new clothes and

Money in their pocket

Seeing how long

They can forget

That something is not right

When all my layers

Are stripped away

I simply feel

And breathe truth

Under it all

Can I reach past

Myself

Could it be true

That I am not looking

For you

Is my true desire

My burning passion

Really to find

The One behind your face

My God

I wait for the day

They see

When their mouths 

Drop

And they finally understand

They have questions

I cannot answer

And I hurt

That they cannot 

Understand

And that it makes you

Look so bad

I want to stand 

For you

But sometimes I

Have questions

Too

Is it worth the wait

The delay of desire

For the hope of something

That might never be

Time passes 

And my moment is over

Perhaps it was only

My lack of sleep

I explain it all away

And wake up to another day

I push on

I push through

I put it on my shoulders

And manage to get by

Until the next moment

life is like a box of chocolates…

 

“Rachel—the playwright” cool. I just wrote the school play
for the parent program. Goldilocks and the three bears. But since we needed 14
parts, we added three flowers, a door, a tree, and a bee to the story…as well
as four narrators. Adna is pretty happy to be the tree—she gets to drop an
apple on Goldilocks…I wonder how Neto will like being a door. Poor guy. And
he’s my favorite too. I wonder what his costume will look like. Hmm. Pictures
are yet to come. Speaking of pics…I put some on www.xanga.com/rwinzeler.

 

Oh yuck. I just smacked a mosquito and it disappeared into
the abyss between the keys on my computer. Probably joining the ants that make
my mouse go insane.

 

By the way, my sister is here. In Brasil. With me. For
almost a week now. Awesome. The day she got here she decided she wanted me to
cut her hair. I could only find my ladybug school scissors. I should’ a taken a
picture. But her hair looks good. Check out the pictures for yourself.

 

When I went to the airport to wait for my lovely sister
(waiting is exhausting by the way. Airports are stressful) Gabe helped teach
the kids. Good. Wonderful. The next day I found out what they learned…”Show me
the money!” they loved it. Today they learned “The roof, the roof, the roof is
on fire!” and somehow “Caterpillar” turned into “Cater-pillow.” See, the
problem is when I laugh; they always remember the WRONG pronunciation from them
on. Like their favorite, “Refriger-Rachel.”

 

Anna and I went to church at Paudalho where they asked us to
sing a song for them. Unfortunately, Anna forgot to turn on her microphone. Or
did she “forget”…hmm. Yesterday was Brasil’s first game in the World Cup: 1-0.
So not a lot of action. It seems like they always score the goal when you least
expect it. Thus is life.

 

“The discipline of diving loyalty is not that I am true to a
doctrine, but so true to Jesus that other people are nourished in the knowledge
of Him. Get rid of the idea that you must do good things…the Christian life is
never “Do, do” but “be, be, and I will do through you.” –Oswald Chambers

 

“I want more than just okay…not giving up now…not backing
down…more than fine, more than bent on getting by, more than just okay.”
–Switchfoot

 

When Anna came…I think something in my “internal balance of
life” got shook up or something. Because everyone started starting at me and
saying “why are you so stressed out?” that is not a good thing. And then I got
more stressed because I was like “what the heck is wrong with me and how do I
fix it?” I realized some things.

• I
  can’t please everyone. I always want to, and it is nice to try, but if it
  does not happen…it is okay.
• If
  Anna wants to get a sunburn because she refuses to put on sunscreen, then
  let her burn. I am not her mum. I am her sister and it is time to enjoy
  it. Even if she turns red.
• Karine
  + Anna = insanity
• I am
  more of a neat freak than I thought. And I take a lot of extra
  responsibility upon myself. Like trying to fix people. Or keep their
  clothes folded.
• You
  can get madder at a sister in two seconds over nothing than you can with
  other people in years. And then make up with just a smile.
• Translating
  “you are so beautiful” to Anna gets tiring after awhile.
• Stress
  is the resulting feeling that occurs when you try to orchestrate people or
  circumstances to your own specific expectations or desires. Yeah. I wrote
  that. So there.
• How
  can you “just be yourself” when you really are not sure who “myself” is?
• It all
  goes back to just giving it back to God. ‘cuz I can’t handle it.

whoa! it is working again! without the smilie face! thank the LORD.

so it is “dia de Namorado” or otherwise translated, make like miserable for those who do not like chocolate or someone special to spend the day with (aka “boyfriend/girlfriend day–their version of Valentine’s day). But Neto gave me a heart (well, it looks more like a triangle, but he is only 5…)and i feel special. more importantly, Brasil plays their first game in the world cup tomorrow. the whole world as i know it will pause for a couple of hours. cool. and i was very shamed by how the US played today. bleh.

Anna is here! and so we all took her on a bus trip to Timbauba where we all got sick sitting in the very back. Anna and Karine got their legs waxed and stuff. i didn’t. i don’t

like pain. 

 

this is Anna looking tough. this is me trying to look…tough? i dunno.

Don’t you love Anna’s multi-colored eyes? i think she would kill me if she knew this was here. so look quick before she makes me take it off. i was trying to give her a kiss. i invaded her “bubble.”

Anna said she looked high in one eye. is that possible? oh well. i look rather nice. as you can see, i am rather happy to have Anna in Brasil with me. oh yeah.

we had a great time helping out at the couple’s dinner thingy in Timbauba. my boys (Raul and Diego) were pretty excited about meeting Anna too. Not that she is enjoying herself. not at all.