June 26, 2006

• I must say it is hard to hold my head up high as an American
  at the moment. We simply stank in the world cup. Nothing else to say about
  that. David has hepatitis A…meaning he is yellow (and they go around singing
  the Coldplay song about yellow) and has to stay in bed for two weeks. Bleh. And
  everyone else seems to be getting sick…thank goodness at alternate times. If
  you are going to get sick, at least coordinate the time, right? Rain, rain and
  more rain. We played futebol on Friday in the mud, everyone has matching black
  and blue knees from slipping around on the field. Make sure to see Anna’s new
  haircut in the following pictures. and my brother lost his first tooth. Inside an apple. Wish I had a
  picture of that.

  I think whoever invented school plays was sadistic.
  Organizing 13 children to do 8 different acts is my idea of torture. But I will
  have pictures soon. And this too shall pass. And from the door (Neto) to the
  flowers (Lili and Milena) and Baby bear…they are cute. Good thing too.
   

  Sao Joao came and passed, the traditional festival
  celebrating St. John
  and corn. What John and corn have in common I have yet to figure out. But the
  corn stuff is good—corn cake, pudding, bread and this stuff called “Pamoina”
  which I cannot explain (but it is good).  

  You know those “choose your own adventure” books? In my life
  I can feel the pages turning to the next choice…but all I want is to figure out
  the book. To solve it like I used to do those books—find which page is the
  best…work backwards from there so that I don’t make any mistakes. So I don’t
  run into something I cannot handle. 

  I don’t know what I need or want or should have. And the
  Storywriter does not seem to be giving me any cues. That is why I am so quick
  to give advice and take control—because I want to make a happy outcome and
  because I want to “work the strings” for things to go my way—ultimately, to
  manipulate people and God to see things my way. And I am always so sure that
  they will then change and say “oh thank you Rachel, for showing me that, now everything
  will be better and happy.” But control and manipulation do not equal change.
  And normally people are neither grateful nor happy about my taking
  responsibility to fix them. 

  And God—what about Him? Oh God, I have a warped view. Like
  Job’s friends, I’ve fallen for the formula of “do good, and it will be okay for
  you” and then person after person keeps coming into my life that I cannot
  explain away. And so like Job’s friends I sit down astounded for seven days and
  then begin to open my mouth and pour out my advice…and really…condemnation. God
  does not come and explain Himself. And Job is fine with the. It was enough for
  Job to know God for who He really is. That changed everything. Oh.

  “The desire is the same: taming God in order to tame life.
  If the system isn’t working it’s because we’re not doing it right…The arrows
  tell us that we must arrange for what little life there may be, manipulating
  our world and all the while watching our backs…”if I don’t want so much…I won’t
  be so vulnerable.” If we deny the wounds or try to minimize them, we deny a
  part of our heart and end up living a shallow optimism that frequently becomes
  a demand that the world be better than it is.” –John Eldredge “The Sacred
  Romance” 

  “Romance is the deepest thing in life, romances is deeper
  even than reality.” –G.K.Chesterton

  “God is wild. How can you trust a lover who is so wild?
  Answer: you could love Him if you knew His heart was good…It is only when we
  see God as the Hero of the larger story that we come to know His heart is
  good.”

  I’m re-reading “The Sacred Romance” and wow. I feel like it
  is the story of my life spoken in truer words than I have lived them. 

  “We are all under the same mental calamity; we have all
  forgotten our names. We have all forgotten what we really are” –Chesterton

  yuck. i am sick. gross.

  • 4:49 pm
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