i am resigning myself to the smilies.

June 6. hmm. 6/6/06 ironic? Or is it just me?
 

A blank page

Like a starless sky

Waiting for light

To streak across it

 

A full heart

Like a river

Rising with

The spring rain

 

A quiet moment

Like the sunrise

After the thunderstorm

Late in the night

 

A question

Like a single note

That crescendos

Until it occupies

all my senses

Changing subjects. You know the slurp sound when you are at
the end of a milkshake? That last little bit that you just GOTTA get? Well,
don’t. Because in Brasil it is considered really rude. And it is Tele’s pet
peeve. I walked past him, obliviously enjoying that last little bit with a
grand old SLURP when Tele swings around, ready to sternly reprimand his rude
child (because of course it was a kid, not an…gulp…adult) when he saw it was
me. The expression change, shock, with rebuking finger in the air was
priceless. Karine, David, and Alyssa will not forget it soon. And I will just
have to let that little bit stay in the cup in the future. 

So if Trinity didn’t believe in Neo, would he have come back
to life? If she hadn’t loved him, would he have been “The One?†random question
of the day.

If there is ever an emergency, I could probably drive a
motorcycle. Did you know they are stick shift? At least here they are. When I
tell Brasilians I have an Automatic at home they are rather in awe “You mean
there is only two pedals?†yep. So far I have been able to sit on the
motorcycle, practice shifting into neutral, and then killing it before I get to
first. And with about 5 people standing around, telling me instructions in
English and Portuguese. Rather embarrassing. Since I am never going to leave
the parking lot anyways, I think that is as far as my abilities will extend. 

My rantings. I want you to know something. Many things that
I write do not express the sentiments of others, or even of myself except when
I am on an emotional high. My life is not always randomly funny (such as
slurppy moments) or exciting (people getting saved) or sad (such as when I talk
about money problems). It is alittle of everything, and I unfortunately, I only
get down on paper what sticks out to me the most. But if I do not remember to
say it, I want to say something that I believe with all my heart.

I value, respect, and trust those that God has allowed me to
work with. Namely some amazing men of God—Gary, Steve, and Tele. I have been
focusing a lot lately on money problems, but not all the labor of love that
these men—and so many others—have been putting in to make everything work in
Brasil. On the contrary, I feel overwhelmed with the generosity of my family,
friends, everyone working in the US—Steve and Gary, Carol and everyone in the
office—and you—who are actually taking the time to read this. When I speak
about the problems, I never want to take away or diminish the fact that I know
everyone is doing all they can. I do hope it did not make anyone feel like I
was preaching at them or that it resulted in anyone feeling bad, like they are
not doing enough. 

To me, I simply feel full. Part of me does want to find
someone to blame, a scapegoat that I just have to identify and then all our
financial problems will be gone. Too bad it does not work that way. There are
no easy answers. So normally I go blaming the economy (which is rather
intangible) or the filthy rich people I don’t know so I can easily stereotype.
And you know what? Blaming does not make things any better either. Problem is,
I don’t have a good answer and I won’t be finding one. It is another one of
those things to lay before Jesus. Because He is THE Answer. Goodness that takes
a lot of trust. I am ashamed to admit how hard it is for me to do.

Thanks. Thanks for bearing with me. just having the freedom
to write what I really feel is such a blessing. Because so many people write
and encourage me…or just pray. I can tell people are praying. You “Carry each
other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.†Gal. 6:2 

I truly have need of nothing.

“Salvation is easy because it cost God so much, but the
manifestation of it in my life is difficult…it means I lay down my life
deliberately…I have a day before me, and I am going to lay it out in devotion
to Jesus Christ all through…God saves a man and endues him with the Holy Spirit,
and says in effect, “Now it is up to you to prove it, work it out; be loyal to
Me while the nature of things around you would make you disloyal. I have called
you friends, now stand loyal to your Friend.†His honor is at stake in our
bodily life.†–Oswald Chambers

this face is labeled “censered” that is how i feel at the moment since my xanga thing is not working. can you see this picture? cuz i can’t. poop.

bitter. yep. i give up. bummy connection tonight.

stupid smilies. grr.

Do you know that the Portuguese word for “Boyfriend” is also
the word for a kind of fish? Ironic. Did you know that I have an obsession with
the phone ringing?

“To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment—the
freedom from desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest…this is not
a cold and indifferent attitude…an authentic spiritual understanding of
detachment devalues neither desire nor the objects of its desire. Instead, it “aims
at correcting one’s own anxious grasping in order to free oneself for a
committed relationship to God…in this posture we discover that, indeed we are
expanded by longing. Something grows in us, a capacity if you will, for life
and love and God…there is actually a sweet pain in longing if we will let it
draw our hearts homeward.”
 

Exactly.
 

Something inside me

Is burning

And always leaves an ache

 

What can it be

That seems to be

Stronger than me

Holding me back

From attaining

 

The hope of tomorrow

The wish for things

Done right

 

The regret of yesterday

And not wanting

To fall again

 

Will it last

This strength

That confounds me

 

I ate something nicknamed “Donkey tea” yesterday. It was
soft corn soupy sweet stuff. Yum. Seriously. I liked it.
 

How many hours are in 4 days? Because that is when my sister
gets here.
 

We made it through the month financially. That is a
blessing. That is the blessing and good thing I am trying to focus on. But it
is hard. I don’t get it. The Living Stones program in Paudalho…a program sorta
like the youth center in Indy…where they feed, help tutor, and teach about
Jesus to 30+ really needy kids has been closed. Hopefully temporarily. The
money just isn’t there. And the other two programs like it (in Carpina and
Guadalajara) are pretty low, in Guadalajara the workers have not been pain in a
couple months (they were normally only paid 35$US a month, but it helped
because they were spending most of their day at the program). I go through all
the emotions. Sad. Grief. Anger. How can some people have so much and be fine
with sitting on their pile of money while 30 children are out of the one
regular meal they got each day? Questioning. Doesn’t God want this program to
happen? Pastor Assuario, the first missionary sent out by the churches here to Africa, may have to return to Brasil. Something happened
and more money is needed and…we just don’t have it. why not? Money problems
seem to make it just alittle harder to wake up in the mornings. Alittle harder
to remember why we are working so hard. You seem to question life more.
 

Nina and Peppie (the two labs give to us that Tele is so
proud of) had puppies—two black ones and 5 cream ones. They look like rats.
They sound like brats. But I am sure they will turn out all right. I mean, case
in point is my brother. He was pretty ugly looking when he popped into the
world too…but he’s turned out pretty darn good. Smile.
 

The acerola trees are blooming, giving us nice, plump, FREE
berries the size of cherries and containing like TONS of vitamin C.  They are delicious. Our class took two
different trips out to visit them so far. I figure it is educational, good for
our health…and come on, I was hungry. And the Jambo tree is almost ripe. Last
December we had a bumper crop of Jambo—a redish/purple fruit with white insides
that tastes sorta like a pear—and so at all times of the day I would run to the
back, pick up the long pole, and begin my jousting contest with the tree to try
to bash the fruit until it fell off the high branches. The tricky part is
trying to catch it with a 20ft. pole in your hands. I normally catch it with my
head. Did I mention the joys of FREE fruit?
 

O Copa de Mundo. The very words strike up an hour or two
conversation. Trust me, I’ve been there. I think I have heard the history of
Brasil and the World cup at least four different times. People don’t ask about
the weather in Brasil—for conversation, it is the Cup. I have come to the
understanding that if the US
beats Brasil, my life may be in jeopardy. I am rooting for Brasil. It just
makes my life easier. Karine said that during the Cup would be a great time for
a drug bust, because all the drug dealers are watching the Cup. Heather replied
that the problem was, all the police were watching too! During the games, their
murder rate drops to zero. No joke. The streets are empty…and we are planning
now so we can end classes early for the parents to get back home before the
games start. That makes me laugh. I think.
 

My purse almost got stolen during Tele’s prayer. He was
praying at church in Timbauba Saturday night and then suddenly the lights went
out. It turns out two guys came in and tried to grab my purse off the chair
(why I always seem to leave my purse alone is beyond me. purses are NOT me) and run. But luckily
about three of my brothers were sitting in the back and they grabbed my purse
first. I only had about 10 bucks, but I had my Bible and camera, which are
pretty irreplaceable.
 

Last year I went with Ricardo to Laoga De Itaenga and met
this girl Ana Paula. I remember thinking how she would be awesome for God. And
today, after Ricardo has been presenting the gospel every week for almost two
years, Ana Paula accepted Christ. It was time. And…wow. Please pray for her.
She is the daughter of the lady who’s husband is a drunk and beats them when he
comes home. Fortunately, he hasn’t come home in awhile.
 

My brother made his first basket this weekend. With a real
basketball. Wish I could have seen it.
 

“If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet,
you also aught to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that
you should do as I have done to you.” 
John 13:14-15