July 6, 2006
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Happy 4th of July. It isn’t independence day here until September 7th. But it is still a nice day. The medical clinic group is here. Right now they are gone to Laoga De Itaenga, serving the people there. It’s a really great group. I met Chuck, the doctor, last year. Really great man of God. His son, Peter, is here, as well as Lacey, Daria, Mallory, Stephanie, and Hannah. Edna, who works in the office at World Renewal, is a lot of fun and has a smile that makes me feel special.
So this is my vacation week. Doing alittle here and there. My favorite part so far was doing dishes with Ricardo in the kitchen singing “This little light of mine.” We were in the grove. Kattia (Ricardo’s wife) enjoyed it, and Rebekah (who is due today) was kicking in time.
Sunday was really special. I went to church with a lot of ME. worries, thoughts, wonderings, rantings…it all jumbled into confusion. Somewhere in the day it all just stopped and I realized it was about God. That makes everything so simple. I felt so empty and humbled. It is a good place to be, but it sure does feel crummy and uncomfortable…and uncontrollable. Because I understood so clearly (as so often we cover up the truth and run—get busy—to hide from it) that I couldn’t do anything on my own. And that was a really scary place to be when I remembered that I was in charge of giving devotions all week and teaching in Laoga De Itaenga that afternoon. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t eloquent and no one was moved to tears. I spent most of the time praying “God, I don’t know what the heck to say! Because any words from me are useless…it must be from You.”
There is so much that I want to do, that I want to accomplish…so much more that I want to be. Sometimes I can feel myself dragging others down or being a discouragement—when all I really want to do is be an amazing reflection of Christ. To refresh and encourage. I look down at my hands and wonder why my desire isn’t strong enough to change what I do.
“Don’t be afraid of embracing the disappointment you feel, old or new. Don’t be scared of the unreasonable joy either. They’re the highway markers home.” –“Sacred Romance”
“But we who would be born again indeed, must wake our souls unnumbered times a day.” George MacDonald
“This is repentance: It is letting our heart tell us where we are in our own story so that Jesus can minister to us out of the Story of His love for us.”
“Dullness, not doubt, is the strongest enemy of faith, just as indifference, not hate, is the strongest enemy of love” –Peter Kreeft
Opps. I messed up again. I came back to the Alcance late the other night…and Tele and Heather did not know there was another bus. They had visions of Anna and I hitchhiking down the road in the dark and decided to drive around looking for us. I felt horrible that I should be adding to their list of worries. They were not mad, and I got lots of hugs and reminded that “it was only because we love you.” It meant a lot to me as my friend put it, “Wow Rachel, you are IN. you are part of the family. That is amazing how you are not worrying them because of the ministry, but as a daughter.” I feel unworthy of that blessing. It is true…when I return next year it isn’t about that I am a missionary going to Brasil, but I have a family and am coming home.
“One man scribbled in the sand. One man carved in the rock. Another man gazed at the stars. The next day the tide came in, and the rock was broken. Only what was written in the stars will last.” –Heather
