You know what I think is amazing? God cares about what I want. He asks me what I want. He cares about my desires.
When a decision is made, it is made only by the person themselves. The rest of the world—the people who care about them, those who don’t—they fade away. And that person stands face to face with their life and their God and chooses what way they will go. They bare the responsibility for their decision, and the consequences (good or bad) that comes from it.
I’d gotten so used to going to people around me (wise people), asking their advice, gathering all the information and then picking the general consensus. Problem being, they are not living my life. I am. And I’d almost turned off my brain and heart (for fear of making an emotional and stupid decision) to the point where I didn’t know what I wanted. In one of his messages in Brasil, Pastor Hubert said that 90% (or something like that) of people don’t have goals in life and so end up living the goals that other people give them. What a horrible and scary thought!
So I am learning about being an adult. At least in the sense of taking up responsibility for my own decisions. I am not saying I should stop listening to my authorities and those I respect, or even stop asking for wise advice. But I am saying that I cannot use obedience/conformity as an excuse to not take responsibility and make decisions on my own. If what I am being told to do is right, and I am doing what is right, obedience is the natural outcome, not what I do blindly, but I what I do as MY choice.
Part of my problem is that I am constantly looking for a decision that I make to suddenly be “THE SOLUTION” (this must be said in a dark and foreboding tone). You know, where you suddenly make a choice and poof—life is solved. It is good. Easy. Finally, everything has come together as you always knew it should. Ain’t happenin’.
I will come to decisions and moments of clarity, but it is always an adventure, never a problem/solution. Working through problems, not not having any problems. (did the double negative just make my whole inspiring thought useless?)
Sometimes I still wonder (and I am sure I will always have more “wondering” moments), if my heart is “desperately wicked” (from Jeremiah 17) or the “new heart of flesh” (from Jeremiah 33 I think) that God says is given to me. and if my desires are God’s desires or my own. And if they are God’s desires, how does that work into what I know is right? And how to divide everything that is presented to me as “right” and “wrong” with the weaker brother in mind, and then Christian liberty? And how much is Christianity as a religion (for example, don’t get drunk= don’t ever touch a drink and don’t go into a bar) or Christianity as a relationship (I feel God is leading me to witness to that drunk in the bar). The whole “live from desire” and “live from principle” and where that is balanced…this seems to be playing out in my life down to the littlest thing.
For example, Michelle came to the youth center. She hasn’t been in a long time. The rule is to not cuss. I’ve already talked to Michelle, I know Michelle, and Michelle knows the rules. But right now Michelle is hard and closed. The rule is to give Michelle a free time or kick her out of the center for cussing. I didn’t. I looked at her and she knew she was wrong and…no, didn’t even apologize. She wasn’t open to that. but she understood. But then again, I don’t know. I know that punishing her would have done nothing. It would have just reinforced her hardness. But I don’t know if my “mercy” did anything either. Maybe I will never know. But before the day was over I got to give her a hug and simply say that Jesus loved her. I chose to actually break the rule, and maybe even the principle in the desire to see something bigger happen—Michelle to feel God’s love. The desire goes back to principle in that I know that as Michelle feels God’s love and grows in that she won’t want to cuss—solving that problem. But in reality, I could care less about the cussing and breaking rules because I just want her and God and…really really? I want to see her happy, fulfilled…and smiling again. To know that her heart is okay.
The main problem being that everyone in this play of life has problems and blind spots and major errors in their lives. These errors make them incompetent to give advice or make wise decisions. And yet, we all do give advice and make decisions just the same. And need to. And learn from them.
Decisions. I make them all the time and yet they still freak me out. Especially when faced with the big ones. Because I don’t want to pay the consequences for if I make the wrong decision. I don’t want to bear the pain. But making no decision at all is choosing to lock yourself away, until you wake up one morning, and you don’t even know what you want or who you are anymore. You find out that to protect yourself, you lost yourself. Sounds like a Bible verse to me. grin.
I hid my heart somewhere
I decided I didn’t want it broken
So I took it away
To a secret place
I locked it up and ran
Part of me not realizing
What I’d done
Someone came to me
And looked me in the eyes
Asking me what I wanted
I went to my secret place
To see what I wanted, needed, desired
I found my heart was gone
I hid it to save it
And lost myself instead
To regain it
I must break it
To find my heart again
What I feared
Is what I must face
To return
And choose what I rejected
At any cost
At any price
To find my heart again
“If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.” –Oswald Chambers
“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.” –Pietro Aretino
I am still working on putting together a list of how we receive/feel/accept God’s love for us and then give/show/learn to love God in return. Only one person (thanks Brooke!) wrote me with their thoughts. Bleh. So I did a Bible study about it at the youth center. It went well. We are trying to divide up a couple times a week in four groups—Teen girls, teen guys, Jr. girls, and Jr. guys. I have Jr. girls. Normally all three of them. But it was really good and those girls came up with some pretty amazing things. I won’t tell you them yet because I want to hear what you think.
It was a great first week at the youth center. From kids losing their shoes in the abyss of the ball pit to stopping Kenisha getting into a fight over double Dutch to rapping about Willy Wonka and Skittles…I love it.
Jamar came to the youth center with his baby. So did Carlos and Ebony. That really hit me. first of all, looking at this baby and just realizing the beauty of a new human being created amazes me. It’s a person—a whole new identity! Stop laughing at me, and think about it. May I never loose the wonder. Then I was broad sided by other thoughts, like crashing into the side of a car. Like how Carlos is 19, working minimum wage. Ebony is 17. Neither has finished high school. Carmen, their daughter, was due September 25. There were complications and she was premature, born at 1 pound 11 ounces. They were just released from the hospital Thursday. Ebony said she was tired and hungry and just wanted to sleep—the baby hadn’t slept all night. I said she sure sounded like an adult now. We told them to call if they needed anything. Please pray for them.
It’s my birthday. I am old now. 24. I got invited to play paintball with the youth center boys, but I decided 24 paintball welts would not be on my list of things to do today. I miss everyone in Brasil…last year I was at Tele’s house, eating Bolo de Rolo and trying to find the remote so we could watch “Lemony Snickets Unfortunate Events” (or whatever that is called) in English instead of Portuguese. It has been a good year. John let me stay in bed until 9 today, “patiently” watching the door for the moment I would resurrect from the dead. We had fruit and whip cream on waffles for breakfast, so the rest of the day has to be good. That just how the rules are.
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