The battle inside me

that i’m scared to make real

afraid to speak of

fearful to explain

because i don’t know

where it will take me

maybe i care about nothing

because my heart is

aching over so much

you are a fool

to believe the smile

i give

i sit and listen

as the music in my heart

drowns out the words

i know nothing

yet am sure

i don’t agree with anything

“An adventure is, by it’s nature, a thing that comes to us. it is a thing that chooses us, not a thing that we choose.”

 

What does God think about when He thinks about me?

Stuff i learned from the ATI family conference this week:

* To be a light, i must eliminate any competing affections in my life

* Prayer is entertaining God, breaking barriers, and reveals hidden secrets

* I need an impossible vision. because then i can’t do it. God has to.

* Be real an honest. My sin affects all those around me. but i can’t stop there–i must be broken over my sin before it will change.

* I need to contain SomeOne, not become somebody

* i give more to people by being real than by giving them all the right answers.

* the greatest theological point is that Jesus loves me. The key to the universe is loving Him back.

*Sin is simply failing to love God

*Life begins, was, is, will be, and ends with knowing God loves me. it makes all the difference.

 

bottom line? i learned i really and truly don’t know how to love. how to love God or others. bleh. this is rather a large problem. so…this is open discussion…as much as xanga can do that…

1. How do you know (did you realize) Jesus loves you PERSONALLY? (and don’t say because He died and rose. we already know that answer) What made His love real to you? How do you feel it?

2. How did you learn to love Jesus…or how DO you learn to love Jesus? (and don’t just say read the Bible and pray. we already know those answers) How do you stay “falling in love” with Jesus?

 

another point. loving people seems to be just like loving God. When i learn to love God, i can do the same thing in loving people. when i learn to love people, i can use the same thing for loving God. DUDE! so. i want a nice long list. i like lists. something to do. to change. too bad love isn’t a list.

 

scratch that. i am very glad love isn’t a list.

Go back to your childhood

when everything was easy

sit down and rest awhile

and contemplate what went wrong

what is the one thing

if you could go back and capture

that you would seek

that you would desire

 

Go back to your first love

the innocence of abandon

lay your head on your bed

and release all regrets

what is the one thing

if you could go back and capture

that you would seek

that you would desire

 

close your eyes

in the present

take a moment to be still

where is your soul

and what do you feel

the past is gone

and what have you gained

what is lost forever

and what is retained

what is the one thing

that you need to do today

the past behind you

the future so far away

with no promises

and not holding on

what is one thing

the lesson of one

so. my car is possessed. the key remote thingy that used to be for the alarm (we got it disconnected because it did not always work, leaving me in the parking lot, squeezing the dear life out of this remote because the alarm is screaming at me for five minutes) apparently still works. i was getting something out of the back seat of the car when i sat on the remote, hereby somehow discovering that by some maneuver (which i doubt i can ever reproduce) which started the car. it freaked me out, and i thought for a good minute that the car was possessed and trying to kidnap me.

not only did the car turn on, but the windshield whipers did too. and i was not alone. the guy in the car next to me was thoroughly enjoying this. i jumped out of the car yelling about it being possessed. then i calmed down and remembered that sometime long ago my dad had told me the remote started the car. the next problem was how to turn off the car. how do you turn off a car that is started without a key? my inelegance returned and i managed…

interesting.

Kroger is scary. shopping is making me paranoid. We have so many choices and selections in America. i walked down the aisles in a daze after seeing dozens of options for vinager and other random things. i carefully selected the toilet paper that saved .04$ a roll (and would you know, i felt really like i accomplished something) and then looked at the list mom gave me…trying to find witch hazel. even the people there didn’t know what it was. i could only remeber it was a liquid…

please don’t ask me to go to Meijers…

you know what makes me feel special? when someone puts my name in blue on their xanga site. like TODD. ok. sorry Todd, i don’t know how to make it blue…but your name is there. Happy Birthday to you the 26th!

i promised my sister these pictures. don’t you love the camera cord in this one?

a rose by any other name…would still not have the same face that Wrianna made…

opem mouth, insert cherry coke

this is the pic she waited the whole time i was in Brasil to get. apparently, the one i put up before is “ugly” and makes her sick. opps.

Anna. wearing my shirt. still wearing my shirt again today. this is when we were packing. we were not happy.

this is me packing. attempting. i got done the minute they took the bags to the combie. yikes.

tada! short hair. with my girl. yeah. i missed you Erica!

this picture. because i can. look–she is wearing my shirt. Carina…youz the woman…

This is so weird. i am standing in Ivy Tech community college waiting for Anna to finish her assessment test. and i am smiling. alot.

get this: i finally qualified for the FASFA thing. years of filling out random paper work have paid off. AND…i got money from the state, this supplemental thing (because they think i am really poor), and then the Federal money. So, after i have paid for this semester of classes, i have over 2 grand for books and whatever. seriously…whatever.

I talked to the first lady and was firing all these questions. call me crazy, but free money always leaves me alittle spectical. so she explained the whole thing to me. Then i went to this other lady and was like “is this for real? where does the goverment get all this money to give me?” she just laughed. i asked her if i could use the extra money for anything…like  buying a car, and she said that’s what she’d done. Why the goverment has decided i am suddenly needy and can have 2 grand to buy a car is beyond me.

but i like it.

in my hand i have this paper. with it i can buy anything from the bookstore. even sweatshirts. Then, whatever i don’t use, they send me a check for in late September.

my mind is doing sixty, trying to process this. i was planning on going to Brasil in February, but guess what…they have internet classes! so, if i sign up for 4 internet classes, i can get the grant again, still be in Brasil, and get another nice check in the mail. are they seriously going to pay me 2 thousand dollars to go to college each semester? please stop me now and bring me back to reality.

did i miss something?

and…with 2 grand, i’ve just paid for my next ticket to Brasil. yeah baby. thanks Washington…i think the system is finally working.

 

1. Having internet in my house, rather than a bus ride away

2. Apple sause. i opened the frige and saw it. i’d forgotten about apple sause.

3. Panera Bread

4. Libraries. they are so nice.

5. Comics. in English.

6. Bathrooms. being able to flush the toilet paper down–even though Anna confessed that she did it in Brasil too

7. My car. i didn’t forget how to drive, thank goodness.

8. A choice of hot or cold water knobs. i only had one hot shower since February, and i think that was a freak accident.

9. Family. of course. and a brother that has already managed to smash my toes twice and tell me all about everything without really saying anything.

10. Parks. beauty speaks when my heart cannot.

So that is my list of cool amazing things in the US so far. we got in this afternoon without too much of a problem…In Sao Paulo, our plane arrived late, so we got in the customs line five minutes before we were to board. i went right though, but Anna got stopped…apparently, something is weird on her visa and it was only for 30 days. she was in Brasil 54 days. After waiting over 10 minutes, the guy said we had to leave, find the federal police (FBI), and see what they said. while our plane was boarding. we found the police and no one in the office spoke English…but we managed. they were nice and just said when she comes back she has to pay a 8R$ a day fine for the extra 24 days…we signed the paper and ran back, waited in the line…and walked right on the plane. That was a God thing. Anna felt pretty dangerous, being an illigal immigrant and all. i just felt grateful we made it.

i feel amazingly detached from…me…life…i feel like i am looking out the eyes of some other person, seeing memories and visions from the past. Brasil is so very real and so very foggy, while the US seems to be a maze of activity flying past me.

God, show me the way.