“Show me what you love and i will show you who you are”

that was a random quote that i found somewhere at Karianne’s house. had a wonderful time with her last weekend. she lives on a brick road. not that that is her defining quality, but it is a nice little thing that i like. i started making a list of why i love those i love…and then realized it is inaccurate. i don’t love because of those things–i appreciate them because of those things. i love because i choose too. it is not because they deserve it (because then some days they could un-deserve it) but because He first loved me. because it is best for me. because it is right and good and beautiful and i would not choose anything less.

That brought me to another theory. some people seem wary of telling me bad things they have done because they feel like i will look down on them because of it. problem being, perhaps i would. i realized that sometimes i value people by what they do rather than who they are. and that is why many times i feel so horrible about myself because i figure that since i have messed up, i should not be loved anymore. YUCK. amazing how you have to go back and unlearn the things you never meant to learn. and go back to simply receiving God’s love on no merit of my own. then i can love freely. just because.

The youth center is great. yesterday i got paid to take the kids to Golden Coral. I dunno what happened, but the waiter ended up rapping–with all the sound effects–something about “Jesus and 2 Poc (oh dear…whoever you spell that rapper’s name).” The kids asked me if when i have my own kids, will i make them serve a “free time” or kick them out for three days…

In Kindergarten we are learning about transportation. One kid had gone on vacation and used a dunebuggy, so listed that as a mode of getting around. When asked to draw their favorite transportation, Avery proudly drew a jet with bugs in the windows, saying “see? they are the dunebuggies!”

This is how race and prejudice are viewed in Kindergarten: one girl says to another “you remind me of my favorite piece of chocolate!” to which the other responds “Thank you!”

John decided to take the nail scissors and cut bangs for himself. my response was to buzz the rest of his hair to match. should have taken a before and after picture. so you only get the after one. when he is tired, he resembles a cancer patient. but a really cute one.

“Jesus Christ says “give to him who asks you,” not because he deserves it, but “because i tell you too.” As Christians  our giving is to be proportionate to all we have received of the infinite giving of God.” —Oswald Chambers

Isaiah 30:21 “Your ears shall hear a word behind you saying “this is the way, walk in it”  whenever you turn to the right hand or whenever you turn to the left.”

I think everyone was born

to do something impossible

something only they can do

and it is their reason to live

few struggle to the place

to find their impossible task

but to the ones who arrive

only to see the unreachable

are challenged beyond measure

to attain the unachieveable

what a beautiful thing

to live an impossible dream

finding it not so impossible

as it may seem

I am sick of little paper cuts and no war wounds to show for my pains. i am the one learning this lesson so let me do it well and completely. love me in and through it. help me up but do not throw it in my face. so yeah, i keep walking, keep loving, keep learning. if i am supposed to do something, make it clear. otherwise here i go, continuing on.

That was your random piece of my journal. felt like it really described a lot…without really saying anything:). grin.

a deep relationship

is a beautiful and painful ache

that grows your heart

and expands it

then all at once you pop

leaving a hollow whole

larger than before

you can never be satisfied

with the shallow acknowledgement of before

and you feel like

you will never be full again

the ache that always calls

you onward

to something just outside your reach

always pushing you past

staying where you are

Once upon a time there was a girl with an impossible dream. a dream to love only once and with all her heart. she set out on her quest and found the options astounding. there was certainly more than one to choose from, and advice was on her side. to her amazement, she caught someone’s eye and a dream world was created. She never opened her mouth, but wondered if it was him. She watched and watched until she found that she had no heart even if she wanted to give it. she set out with new resolve, taking back each piece that was given and learning how to give her heart first to God. A bit fazed, she wiped off her unreachable dream and continued on. She seemed to continue to struggle, and in her battle fought an emotional roller coaster. of enjoying company, becoming friends, thinking and over thinking, saying the right words but then not following through in all of her actions or in her heart. Then all at once this girl suddenly realized–she loved someone. only one. she didn’t want any other. it didn’t matter who else she may meet some day–this was who she wanted. But things were off. It didn’t feel right. She struggled with it because there was so much against it. Reason after reason was given. she made plan after plan. to brush herself off and start again. but her heart escaped and he stood waiting. she opened her eyes to see her inconceivable dream was met by an impossible man. She loved him–her first love, she loved him with all her heart. she had given him her dream and together they had met, in an unfeasible collision where the stage was set. she figured the fairytale and the ease of happiness were just over the hill where her dream was found. but things were hard and she learned why the word “impossible” had been put on her dream. it was a choice, not a dream, to live or to kill. and “unachievable?” That was to be proven still. it was pain, deeper than heart beat blood, it was joy, higher than the obstacles that stood, it was denial, truer than the reality around, it was desire, purer than a note’s resound.

she gave it up. her unattainable dream. she turned him in, her impossible man. she ran to the safety of the familiar, to blend in with the normal. to hide in recognizable bliss, forgetful or responsibility, hope, or something bigger than herself. but it wouldn’t stand. though harder and more impossible, with more obstacles and criticisms to make the wall higher, she returned to her impractical dream. with an impossible man making it possible. She does not know when the words “the end” will roll across her screen. she hasn’t read the “happily ever after” but it is a beautiful thing to live an impossible dream that is not as impossible as it seems.

i drove in our rented car–our really, really  nice renal car, driving through a really really nice subdivision…imagining what it would be like to live like that…it is a whole different life. and sometimes…i want it. the seat was so comfortable…it has a CD player (ohh, ahhh!) and digital everything. the houses so clean with perfect grass and everything white that is supposed to be white…how do you balance being happy for the people who have that, being content with what you have, and then seeing the people who have nothing?

i want to close my eyes

and make all the problems go away

i want to tell everyone

that now is just not the time

i am too full of issues to deal with more

maybe they should take a number

and wait in line

They are hurting

smile while draining

laugh while dying

wondering how to get

through the day

i have my own problems

and feel bad i even notice them

with so much more around

***

i’ve been reading “The Great Divorce” it was sorta confusing at first, but then i got into it. There is a short part about a man who was a great artist who dies and visits heaven. He wants so much to paint it, but the guide/angel/whatever he is says that it would be useless, because the only reason his paintings on earth were so good was because they captured a glimpse of heaven. now in heaven, a picture would only diminish the real thing. He says that someday, after the man has learned, there would be things that he could see and paint that would reveal things only he could–not not yet. so he grumblingly asks when he can paint…(read on)

“The Spirit broke into laughter. “DOn’t you see you’ll never paint at all if that’s what you’re thinking about?” “What do you mean?” “Why, if you are interested in the country only for the sake of painting it, you’ll never learn to see the country…you are forgetting…how you first began. Light itself was your first love: you loved paint only as a means of telling about the light.” “Oh, that was ages ago,” said the Ghost. “one grows out of that…one becomes more and more interested in paint for it’s own sake.” “One does, indeed. i also have had to recover from that. it was all a snare. ink and catgut and paint were necessary down there, but they are also dangerous stimulants. Every poet and musician and artist, but for Grace, is drawn away from love of the thing he tells, to love of the thing till, down in Deep Hell, they cannot be interested in God at all but only in what they say about Him. They sink lower–become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations.”

wow. i feel like that is like church…we’ve made it a “cause” instead of an “effect” of our personal relationship with God. I did a Bible study for my kids at the center about why we go to church. and turned to the proverbial text of Hebrews 10:25. It doesn’t say we go to church to learn about God–it says to exhort each other. not that we can’t  learn about God…but church is the natural outcome of our relationships with God–coming together to worship Him and tell Him and others that we are stopping our “busy life” to put aside ourselves and simply say He is worthy. and to be with others who are doing that. to share what God has done while we were away that week. i feel like so often we (me included) grab on to “church” and are strangling it, forcing it to be the thing that tells us we are “okay” and not have to face the fact that we’re a wreck–begging it to tell us we are spiritual enough. the thing we check off our “Christian duty” list for the week. the way to “grab the hem of heaven.” has it become a spiritual drug to get our spiritual “fix?”

Questions that have been making me think. so i share them. gotta go back to when i loved painting as a means of telling about the light. Because i loved and was consumed by the Light. don’t worry–nothing dramatic…i am still going to church and loving it:). i just need to bring the right heart with me.

more from “the Great Divorce:”

“Every natural love will rise again and live forever in this county: but none will rise again until it has been buried.” “Keats was wrong, then, when he said he was certain of the holiness of the heart’s affections.” “i doubt he knew clearly what he meant. There is but one good; that is God. everything else is good when it looks to Him and bad when it turns from Him. and the higher and mightier it is in the natural order, the more demoniac it will be if it rebels.”

“I am in love…yes, now i love truly (in heaven).” “You mean, you did not love me truly in the old days (says her earthly lover)?” “Only in a poor sort of way. i have asked you to forgive me. there was a little real love in it. but what we called love down there was mostly the craving to be loved. in the main i loved you for my own sake: because i needed you.” “And now! now, you need me no more?” “of course not! what needs could i have, now that i have all? i am full now, not empty. i am in Love Himself, not lonely. Strong, not weak. You shall be the same. come and see. We shall have no need for one another now: we can begin to love truly.”

learning how to love is a great adventure. perhaps the greatest of all adventures.

My dad and i had one of those amazing talks. wonderful. you know when you just have a heart deep thing and it is just deeply satisfying. and when it is with someone like your dad, who you greatly respect and admire, it just makes it even better. and every little girl needs those. me included.

Alex got shot in the head. he was walking down the street and was between two guys who were shooting about something. he died. he had just turned 13. he’d come up to the youth center alot this summer. he was a good kid. didn’t really bother anyone. he was Tisha and Kenisha’s uncle (how he accomplished that is beyond me) and they are going to the funeral today. it was just one of those facts that hits you from nowhere and you wonder what you are supposed to do about it.

I have been doing the Bible study for the little kids. Detron comes up to me every day asking if i am “gonna preach today.” What ends up happening is we get through one verse–reading it, learning what it means, and finding applications. pretty nice. candy or rewards are normally somewhere involved…which is why my “preaching” is so very popular. oh well.

You know what looks weird? smelling my jacket. but it smells so good…

another week of kindergarden. i have decided that 5 year olds that flat out refuse to listen to me are the most annoying thing in the world. and the worst thing is that the teacher is always so nice to them. and then i feel guilty.

Mr.Dennis turns into “Mr.Dentist” and Ms.Winzeler? i am now “Mrs.Winter.” bleh. matched me mood after having to walk in the cold yesterday. i am not ready for fall.

And you know what they feed these kids for breakfast? corn dogs. but oh no, they aren’t REALLY corn dogs. someone decided to package them to be able to serve at any meal by calling them “pancake on a stick.” whatever. i know the truth. they are corn dogs. for breakfast. i think it is insane. “A rose by any other name would still be called…”

does anyone have a car for sale? or know of one? no, not my lovely car…it is perfect–but my dad’s old stick is worn down past the bone. it only gets about 40 on the highway. so we are looking for a small car–preferably a stick shift (because i wanna learn how to drive it before i go back to Brasil) with GREAT gas milage. k?

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.  ~e.e. cummings, 1955

I stole that from Leslie.

it sounded right

Happy Birthday David.

Wish you weren’t so far away…

don’t eat too much bolo de rolo without me.

or at least pretend you can’t enjoy it without me.

Labor Day weekend with my awesome family: Uncle Dan, mom, Jessica, Aunt Sara, John, Dad, me, and Anna

The food. yeah. it was good. Johnny boy helped me with the olive,cheese, meat things. we just ate some for lunch today because they are leftover. yum.

punch.

Cortney, Katie, Jake, Tyler, and Brandon.

Thank you everyone from UHBC who came and celebrated with us! Dad refused to take any pictures after this. i did catch him looking pretty interesting…

Aunt Becky, Uncle Verdon, Steve, and Aunt Robin (Uncle Roger was at the mercy of John…seeing all of his achievements from the past 6 years.)

Anna is eating cheese or something.

Aunt Becky brought a cake…can you believe i forgot about a cake? oh well. next time.

Our awesome neighbors…for almost as long as Mom and Dad were married.

the Brasil fun–Steve and Gabe–thanks for coming!

I snuck in one of the pictures. wish i coulda posted pictures of everyone…

Thank You!!!!!

Let it all out

get it all out

rip it out

remove it

don’t be alarmed

when the wound begins to bleed

cause we’re so scare to find out

what this life’s all about

so scared we’re going to lose it

not knowing all along

that’s exactly what we need

and today i will trust you with the confidence

of a (wo)man who’s never known defeat

but tomorrow

upon hearing what i did

i will stare at you in disbelief

oh, inconsistent me

crying out for consistency

and you said i know that this will hurt

but if i don’t break your heart

then things will just get worse

if the burden seems too much to bear

remember

the end will justify the pain it took

to get us there

and i’ll let it be know

at times i have shown

signs of all my weakness

but somewhere in me

there is strength

and you promise me

that you believe

in time i will defeat this

cause somewhere in me

there is strength

and today i will trust you with the confidence

of a (wo)man who’s never known defeat

and i’ll try my best to forget

that that (wo)man isn’t me

reach out to me

make my heart brand new

every beat will be for you

and i know you know

you touched me life

when you touched me heave heart

and made it light

and today i will trust you with the confidence

of a (wo)man who’s never known defeat

but tomorrow

upon hearing what i did

i will stare at you in disbelief

oh, inconsistent me

crying out for consistency

and you said i know that this will hurt

but if i don’t break your heart

then things will just get worse

if the burden seems too much to bear

remember

the end will justify the pain it took

to get us there

–Relient K “Let it all out” from the CD “mmhmm”

yeah. the only song i don’t really like is number 5.