Telemarketing. it makes me feel fake. because no matter how “perky” i feel, after my neck cramps from holding the phone and 5 answering machines…it is ALL fake. i hate answering machines. they are living record of all my mistakes and “umms” and whatever happens to pop out of my mouth. Mr.James had me calling people this week about the game TOMORROW, asking if they wanted to come and support the kids…and i will tell you what, over 50% of those people (who had donated in the past) were very OLD. i do not mean this irreverently or anything–one lady was boasting about how she was 90. yep, boasting. i would be too. but it made me rather nervous…because in a couple of years, no one will still be alive to support the mission. Telemarketing is also rather draining. because everyone has problems so they decide to lay them on the person who randomly calls their house. One guy was telling me about how he was burying his mom and packing up all her stuff, so he couldn’t come to the game. Another just got out of surgery. Another was telling me how she’d never been in such pain and to never get a dislocated disk in your back…honestly, it would have been easier to just hear “i’m not interested in your stupid game.” (not that i think it is stupid. actually, i am looking forward to it. i get to run the scoreboard)

But it does give you an opportunity to pray for other people. even though i felt rather like a dump where everyone laid their garbage.

Please pray. one friend has a mother in jail. another is struggling with suicide. and me? i feel inadequate to do anything.

The open house was amazing. wonderful. great. so many people shared love with my parents. sweet. thank you. they were off Tuesday morning for the Smoky Mountains. and they made it in Dad’s ratty car (mom was a little worried) and said it looked even better than the website (whew).

i am learning a lot from Kindergarten. today Ily feel off the monkey bars–i mean flat out on her stomach–and for someone under 3 feet, that is a long way. i brushed her off, the teacher hugged her and comforted her, and then three or four other girls patted and gushed over her until it was all better. it was funny to see their little troop. funny, and somehow i felt an ache. i guess because i wish life was still like Kindergarten. someone there to pick me up, someone to hug me and comfort me, and then a group followup until i smile…and even go on the monkey bars again. and yet we all seem to be flat on our faces, still dazed by the fall.

i’ve given up on giving up slowly

i’m blending in so you won’t even know me

apart from this whole world that shares my fate

and this one last bullet you mention

is my one last shot at redemption

cause i know to live you must give your life away

and i’ve been housing all this doubt

and insecurity

and i’ve been locked inside that house

all the while you hold the key

and i’ve been dying to get out

and that might be the death of me

and even though there’s no way of knowing

where to go

i promise i am going

because

i’ve got to get out of here

i’m stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake

i got to get out of here

and i’m begging you

i’m begging you to be my escape

i’ve given up on doing this alone now

cause i’ve failed and i’m ready to be shown how

you’ve told me the way

and now i am trying to get there

and this life sentence that i’m serving

i admit that i’m every bit deserving

but the beauty of grace

is that it makes life not fair

because i got to get out of here

cause i’m afraid that this complacency is something i can’t shake

i got to get out of here

and i’m begging you

i’m begging you to be my escape

i am a hostage to my own humanity

self-detained and forced to live in this mess i’ve made

and all i’m asking is for you to do what you can with me

but i can’t ask you to give what you already gave

i fought you

for so long

i should have let you win

oh, how we regret those things we do

and all i

was trying

to do was save my own skin

oh, but so were you

and i’ve been housing all this doubt

and insecurity

and i’ve been locked inside that house

all the while you hold the key

and i’ve been dying to get out

and that might be the death of me

and even though there’s no way of knowing

where to go

i promise i am going

because

i’ve got to get out of here

i’m stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake

i got to get out of here

and i’m begging you

i’m begging you to be my escape

—-Relient K “be my escape”

maybe you should just buy the cd. or read all the lyrics i am taking the time to write.

i’ll tell you flat out

it hurts so much to think of this

so from my thoughts i will exclude

the very thing that

i hate more than everything is

the way i’m powerless

to dictate my own moods

I’ve throw away

so many things that could’ve been so much more

and i just pray

my problems go away if they’re ignored

but that’s not the way it works

When i go down

i go down hard

and i take everything i’ve learned

and teach myself some disregard

when i go down

it hurts to hit the bottom

and of the things that got me there

i think, if only i had fought them

if and when i can

clear myself of this clouded mind

i’ll watch myself settle down

into a place where

peace can search me out and find

that i’m so ready to be found

i’ve thrown away

the hope i had in friendships

i’ve thrown away

so many things that could have been much more

i’ve thrown away

the secret to finding an end to this

and i just pray

my problems go away

if they’re ignored

but that’s not how it works

any control i thought i had

just slips right through my hands

while my ever-present conscience

shakes its head and reprimands me

then and there

i confess

i’ll blame all this on me selfishness

yet you love me

and that consumes me

and i’ll stand up again

and do so willingly

You give me hope

and hope it gives me life

you touch my heavy heart

and when you do you make it light

as i exhale i hear your voice

and i answer you

though i hardly make a noise

and from my lips the words

i choose to say

seem pathetic

but it’s a fallen man’s praise

because i love you

and life is now worth living

if only because of you

and when they say i’m dead and gone

it won’t be further from the truth

when i go down

i lift my eyes to you

i won’t look very far

cause you’ll be there

with open arms

to lift me up again

–Relient K “When i go down”

also known as the story of Rachel’s life.

Skewers. it is a funny word when you think about it.

I miss Brasil most during Church and in the supermarket. probably the commercialism. Kroger and i do not get along. and no one there even knows what skewers are. And then the meat market guy was hiding from me. refused to come back out from the back. and you think i am joking. the paper products were glaring at me because i was dancing in the isle (wait, is that the word of Island? too bad). the tile, lights, and 50 kinds of soy sauce make me unable to stand still. they also make me nervous. so, after searching the whole store, i was trying to figure out ways of gluing toothpicks together, or using straws for the fruit-ka-bob thingys i wanted to make. in the end, i just dropped the fruit on a stick idea.

i feel very proud of myself. i cooked all day for the open house tomorrow. don’t forget to try the snickerdoodles. these are internationally known. for real. in Brasil i named them “Biscoitinhos Americanos.” Sweet. John helped with the meat and cheese thingys, although he kept finding manufacturing problems with the cheese–which was reason enough to eat more than he made. i sliced one finger open trying to open a can and then missed the mango and dug into my other thumb…so had to stop cooking for awhile until the blood would stop. don’t worry, the food is sanitary.

now the only problem is that we have no idea how many people will come. Anna is rather worried that no one will come… 

Never forget the time you made me feel alive
when death was on my mind
or when you held on to me
when the world let me fall behind
you were love to me rather than just a word
a friend was all you were
and it changed my heart
stood next to me through the storm
felt the wounds and kept me warm
something i had never seen before
and i thank you
**
Wow. amazing words. too bad the singer totally screamed them. this is one of those songs you read, appreciate, and never listen too. sorry Carina. i just didn’t like the band. here is another one:

In my mind you never left
Falling wasn’t true
i had faith you flew past the sky
straight through the night
and the sun reflected in your eyes
carrying the very same thing
in your heart that saved me
but maybe you’ve stopped listening
falling on my selfish ways
it takes faith to see
so close your eyes search
deeper than just memories
i never stopped believing in you and me
your leaving never changed things
i’ve been here for too long
to just walk away

i am enjoying the AMAZING privilege of having 24hour Internet in my house. right next to my fingers. how can i not learn things and then want to write them for you? which is why i suddenly start posting 3 random things in 24 hours.

Mr.James was talking to Erica and Devon (two of my really close kids) and then said “i think it is funny how Ms.Rachel always gets close to the really attractive kids” i told him that was a very unfair statement because i couldn’t say it wasn’t true without calling someone ugly. My communications book (i am taking an interpersonal communications class) replies thus: “You initiate and form relationships by communicating with others whom you find attractive in some way.” i feel rather vindicated…and yet horribly shallow by the whole conversation.

The book also says that “…Middle-aged, childless wives were almost two-and-one-half times more likely to die in a given year than those who had at least one child.” see? children are good for your health.

This one made me laugh: “Philosophers suggest that there are three basic questions to which people all seek answers:

1.Who am i?

2. Why am i here?

3. Who are all these others?

Now i thought the third question was “and where am i going?” but this one makes me laugh more. i think i am enjoying my homework way too much.