Had a thought while driving. That one of the reasons i like God so much is that i can talk to Him/stop talking to Him whenever i want. The thought rather surprised me. yet i knew it was true. Sounds alot like that new TV thing where you can watch whatever you want, when you want, and turn it off when you want. a comment in church on Sunday was that instead of the King of Kings, we treat Him as Burger King–have it your way.

oh God, what do i need to change? How do i come to You as you should be approached? How do i really understand who You are? i cut You off and call You up more rudely than i would ever treat a friend or family member, i hog the conversation, and talk about only what happens to be on my mind about me. Show me. Teach me.

***

One of the girls came to the youth center last night very broken up…she couldn’t even talk. When she calmed down, she said her mom had put her out of the house and accused her of stealing. She called her father and soon left, but when i went home, i could hear yelling coming from her house down the street. Please also keep praying for Howard. i haven’t seen him yet.

***

Never try to teach kindergarten around Halloween. i had an activity today…forgot they would be on a sugar high. Corey also brought in a deer skull that he’d found for show and tell. Here is what it sounded like:

“Here is where the brain was…no, it isn’t there anymore” (where did it go?) “It melted and came out the back.” (how did it die?) “oh, some other deer did it.” “I am going to put this under my pillow so that i don’t have to lose mine.” “This is in real life.”

“My idea of God is not a divine idea. it has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast (note from Rachel: lovely word, eh? iconoclast?). Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence?…And most are offended by the iconoclasm; and bless are those who are not. ”

“When i lay these questions before God i get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘no answer.’ it is not the locked door. it is more like a silent, certainty not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook his head not in refusal but waiving the question. like ‘peace, child; you don’t understand.’ Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easy, i should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? is yellow square or round? probably half the questions we ask–half our great theological and metaphysical problems–are like that. And now that i come to think of it, there’s no practical problem before me at all. i know the two great commandments, and i’d better get on with them.” (note from Rachel–I LOVE IT! too true, too true.)

“And, more than once, that impression which i can’t describe except by saying that it’s like the sound of a chuckle in the darkness. the sense that some shattering and disarming simplicity is the real answer.” –C.S.Lewis (A Grief Observed–since i finished reading it, i had to add a couple more quotes.)

“If absolute obedience to Him is the inspiration and force of every movement of my life, then HE will pledge Himself, by a duty as deep as His own nature, that whatever is asked will be granted.” –E.M.Bounds (The Necessity of Prayer)

Jake came by the youth center yesterday. he sat himself down in the office and decided we were going to have a conversation. i was working on the computer and didn’t pay much attention until i felt a nudge say “Rachel, he does not know how to say ‘i need to talk’…and that is what he needs.” Mrs.Wood joined when we got into how relationships are never 50/50. the point being, God never gives less than 100% with us. that is our goal and example. sometimes you don’t have ANY STINKIN reason to give 100%…and yet you have all the reason in the world simply because that is how God gives to us. i got more out of that than Jake did. gosh that is deep. Jake stayed and ended up talking with James too…stayed through Bible study and then got his bike stolen…my first thought was “yikes God, give him a break!” as we often think when we see someone struggling and then the straw breaks the camel’s back. so i don’t know…what God is trying to do in his life…but i trust Him. please keep him in your prayers. Also for Howard…he left school, came to the youth center (we didn’t know anything was up) and then left…his mom called later, telling us she believed he was running away. again. i didn’t see him yesterday…

and then of course my weekly DEEP Kindergarten conversation (always done during big group when everyone is *listening*). Treasure (she is black, African-American, or whatever you call a cute girl that is some shades darker than me) turned to me and said: “Look! i am all mixed up! Brown and vanilla! (turning her hands over)…You are mixed up too…you just have the vanilla part first.”

Last week was the girls God squad conference (the God squad is what we call the group of girls that are committed and really want to learn more about God that come to the center). it was amazing. It was one of those things were you are learning about yourself enough to realize YOU can’t do it and are not qualified to help anyone else, and yet…God puts you there to step up and give.

Monday, Lesley came and spoke to the girls, and let them ask questions, to which led to many interesting discussions and insights…we jumped all over that Bible:).

Then we ended up running…(i would say 10 blocks but i think i am exaggerating) forever in the rain because i don’t know how to find a parking place for a big van…

Stopping to flirt with those white men in Nordstrom… (the girls: Wrianna, Indashia, Lutece, Erica, and Kenisha)

And enjoy a meal at the Old Spaghetti Factory. since i could not explain a caesar salad, they let us sample it, and since the girls didn’t like spumoni (sp?) ice cream they ended up bringing everyone vanilla too…but the girls decided they still liked the waiter better at the Golden Corral because he could rap. All you can see of our waiter this time is his black shoes. oh well.

Tuesday we went to the University of Indianapolis, took over their weight room and pool, and then hooped up on the world.

Then took a break to eat my mom’s great cookin’ and hear some good stuff…

Wednesday we went to the mall to buy some stuff for our mom’s…can’t you tell?

Thursday Erica, Indashia, Kenisha, Lutece, Mrs.Wood and left for Wisconsin…to visit Sara at Northland Baptist Bible college. When i told the girls to dress comfortable for the 10 hour drive…they took me seriously. This was Indashia’s “onesy” which she proudly wore into Speedway, Shell, and McDonalds in Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin. (sorry you have to turn sideways)

Other than almost hitting a skunk, the trip was good and i learned almost all the words to “Chicken noodle soup”

and alot of random pictures that happen in 10 hours…

and then we finally got to see Sara!!!

The girls were amazing, incredible and super mature the whole time…well, at least in public:). We were so proud of them. We went to classes (Greek, Counseling, World history), chapel, breakfast, lunch, and dinner and all that good stuff you do at college.

The girls introduced a new way to sing the Greek song, played around with the Dean of Students (Erica regularly threatened to “take it outside”), and even got Mrs.Wood to dance around a bit.

we will always remember this trip. two of the girls said it was their best vacation ever.

and then there was always the 10 hour trip back…which you probably shouldn’t explain all of…

Thanks God, for an amazing time.

“Art is about asking questions…politics is about having answers.” –Amy Falstrom (my “art appreciation” teacher)

This has just explained my hatred for politics…and my love of art. and since my art teacher let me out early, why i am typing random thoughts at the moment.

Don’t tell me it is easy to be a Christian but don’t say it is not worth it

Don’t tell me that God will always feel near but remind me that He is there

Don’t tell me i will always know what is right or wrong but believe that i will find it

Don’t tell me Christianity will solve all my problems but know it is the answer

Don’t tell me i should always be happy but want to make me smile

Don’t pray with me and then send me on alone and think i’ll be okay

Don’t preach to make me feel guilty but don’t hide from truth

Don’t speak of hell as if that is all i would lose if i didn’t listen

Don’t intimidate me to say you are right or to do things your way

Don’t hold me too close but don’t let me go

Don’t give up on me but don’t suffocate me

Don’t tie me down to your ideas but don’t quit sharing

Don’t think you have to fix me but don’t give up hoping

Don’t think you are a failure if i don’t agree or understand

Trust in God to do things right even if it is not how you or i planned it

Wait for a miracle and then expect it to happen

Be happy when i grow or change but don’t think its the beginning or the end

i am happy and love life and God and everything

but sometimes i don’t

sometimes i hate it all

and let that be okay

***

I cried in Church last night. i haven’t decided if it was because i was so happy at what happened or so sad that i hadn’t expected it. Someone i’d been praying for and known for a long time got saved…(i really don’t like those terms, but it is the words everyone uses and understands, so i say them)…er…realized his need and surrendered to God…and shared his testimony. It was incredible. powerful. and the jaded, disillusioned person in me broke for a moment. I heard a story like this “Two farmers prayed for rain. The next day one went and prepared his fields for rain…which one had faith?” i had sat down and prayed for this guy. i had sat down and prayed for the fall retreat…i’d hoped for a miracle…pretty generally, but one just the same. and then am shocked when one happens. Where is my prepared field? And my heart goes out to this guy. he’s just walked into a struggle. a challenge. an adventure. It is so easy to sit in church and listen and cheer for him and then go home and forget him and everyone else in your own little world. so please remember Donovan in your prayers.

pictures to catch you up:

opps, you can’t really see us…but this was for mom’s birthday party…with amazing food…thanks Esther!

Derek, Cortney, Kel, Me and Anna showing Kleriston around Indy

The covered bridge festival

50s diner…with a bunch of people who i will not write out their names…Anna said so.

Corey turned to me in the middle of “morning message” (circle time at kindergarten) and asks “do cats have utters?” to which i said “no” and then got a blank look on my face, wondering how to explain what they do have…and then retreated into the favorite “shh, make sure to listen” line. ahh. safety. Darren reminds me of Calvin from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes. he will be sitting there staring out into space when suddenly these interesting…or sadistic contortions flash across his face. i think i watch him with my mouth open, trying to figure out what he might be thinking. he also has the best drawing capability of any 5 year old i have ever seen. he did a direct likeness of “lightning McQueen” from CARS. i’ve never even seen the movie and i knew what the picture was.

please pray for one of the girls at the youth center. never mind. i take that back…just pray for all of us. but especially keep them in your prayers. The place where this girl lives is not good or happy. she sometimes struggles with depression and has been getting bad grades in school because she does not feel like trying anymore. She returned home last week to find her new outfit gone. stolen, pawned, something. i dunno. She couldn’t contact her mom and so called me…just wanting out. This girl is amazing and i love her so much. it is hard to see her going through things like this. i would write quite a bit more about this piece of my mind and yell at the world…and yet i am finding that that isn’t the solution either. it isn’t fair. she shouldn’t have to deal with people stealing her clothes, her mom not being there, dealing with the other people who do live there…and how many other things. so please don’t pray that things would become fair and tolerable…but just for a miracle…God’s hand…her being drawn closer to Him.

i think when you have an area that you fail in, you fail in it often. or at least struggle with. we all seem to have specific sins we gravitate to. and it is about becoming aware of them and dealing with them through God’s grace. sometimes over and over. Often our greatest strengths are linked to our greatest weaknesses. i crave honesty. openness. of saying how i feel and then dealing with it, no matter the consequence. and in the past i have then seen where i was wrong and apologized for it…and i do again. in a past entry on my xanga, and that i sent to many of you, i was very open and honest about a big part of my personal life. i felt it was important that i not just write about the things i have done right or see from a distance and ask you to pray for–but also the yucky things. the things that make us blush. but in anyone’s failings, often other people are involved. people who did not give me permission to share about their life connected to mine. i included names and situations that did not need to be put in such a public place–and that were WRONG to put in public places. for those who saw it, i was wrong. words once written cannot be undone. please forgive me. for those who didn’t see it, just know i messed up big time and i am glad you were not a part of it.

John just answered the phone and it was Anna’s friend calling back. to which he hands it to her and says “oh, its her…AGAIN” with a loud sign. he was then told to apologize and he said “can you forever forgive me?” i’d rather like to be “forever forgiven” by everyone. it has helped me learn alot more about love too. i often only feel like someone loves me if they love what i am doing–or are happy with what i am doing at the time. and so when someone disagrees with me or says i am doing something wrong, i recoil and think “i am not loved anymore.” to which i turn to self-pity or self-protection instead of facing the problem or issue in the first place. it is an amazing thing to realize God’s love was based on nothing of me…i mean, He chose me before the foundation of the world, when i was a sinner and had nothing to offer him (not that it is different now). And because of His love i can live and learn and fall and get up.

and then i can face those things that come up. because in any relationship you bascially have two choices whenever faced with a situation. you can give up or work through it. ignoring it (probably my favorite choice) is a thinly veiled “i give up” choice that just doesn’t SEEM so bad. actually, it is worse.

I got a check in the mail today. the refund from the education grant. neat how God decides to provide for Brasil, huh? Tele, the missionary there, is coming to the US soon, so it will be neat to plan some things and hear what all God is doing. I had a friend from Brasil (who’d been in the US a couple months) visit this week, and he is returning to Brasil this Wednesday and made me feel rather jealous.

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you…talk to me about the truth of religion and i’ll listen gladly. talk to me about the duty of religion and i’ll listen submissively. but don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or i shall suspect that you don’t understand…Do i hope that if feeling disguises itself as thought i shall feel less? Aren’t all these notes the senseless writhings of a man who won’t accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? who still thinks there is some device which will make pain not to be pain. it doesn’t really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist’s chair or let your hands lie in your lap. the drill drills on…What do people mean when they say “i am not afraid of God because i know He is good?” Have they never been to the dentist?” –C.S.Lewis, different parts i loved from “A Grief Observed”

speaking of the dentist…Anna is getting her wisdom teeth taken out on Monday. with all those who have been through this dreadful thing, i let out a long “grooooooooaaaannn.” will be praying for you.

a promise: Philippians 3:21 “Who (Jesus) will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which he is able even to subdue all things to Himself.”

May you feel God’s love not because of what you do but because of who you are in Him,
Rachel

i come
laid bare of my excuses
for you see past them

i’m here
in shameful selfishness
asking you again
to forgive me

after all i’ve done
i look at you
and want more

and You
have already taken
all my sins
forever forgiven

i fall
undone at your feet
in seeing your love
i see my blind transgressions
as they are

i feel
i can’t take your gaze
upon me

i ask
you to leave me in
my misery

but You love me
and that consumes me
until who i was
has vanished
in Your light

and You call me
to Your side
until who i am
is beautiful
in Your sight

oh happy day:)

“look natural” she says. wha?

see? i was blinking. with my mouth open…

Whatever you said Anna, it must have been funny…

This is us mad. can’t you tell?

I did Bible studies for the younger kids all week. I really enjoyed it, and so did they…including the cake we had today. I was talking about Israel and Judah when Detron inturrupts and said “i know all about Judah–they those fat Chinese people.” that answer really got me…we finally figured out he mean BUDDAH.

Monday a little guy…he is normally trouble, was bothering one of the older guys. over and over and over. The guy ended up hitting the boy–not real hard, but left a little mark under his eye. Later that evening, the boy’s mother came up here, cussing up a storm and i don’t know what all else. Suddenly the little kids come running in to me yelling “she is chasing Dante (the older boy) with a knife!” it turned out to only be a stick, but she was chasing him around outside. then she called the police and they were taking pictures and…it was a mess.

I taught a small group during Kindergarten (after planning a “developmentally correct” lesson plan) and we graphed transportation. One little boy kept arguing with me, determind that more people used cars than feet to get around. maybe in his family he is right. Then i was helping testing for report cards, and asking if they knew their phone number. one boy looked me in the face and thought hard, then brightened and told me “1-0-1-0-1-0-1-0!” i asked if he was sure and he was…

Lutece and Me. She’s been coming to the center for a month or so…one of the first older girls we haven’t scared away. trust me, it’s tough for girls to stay at the center. bleh.

My girls–Wrianna, Indashia, and Erica. in the window.

The multi-purpose uses of the swings at the center. Thansk for the e-mail Cortney. youz very sweet.

Anna, Karianne, and i…thanks for the amazing weekend! and you…Sylvain being included of course in “you.”

Golden Corral (opps, two “r”s) with me and 13 hungry kids. and alot of money on the credit card.

Erica, Kenisha, Indashia, Shanta, Lutece, and Wrianna.

everyone around the waiter, who was rapping, literally…

my brother, wearing dinosaur pajamas, and no hair.