i stole this from Grace Emma. rather inspiring. so is she. wish i knew her better.

“Face it out to the end, cast away every shadow of hope on the human side as an absolute hindrance to the Divine, heap up all the difficulties together recklessly, and pile as many more on as you can find; you cannot get beyond the blessed climax of impossibility. Let faith swing out to Him. He is the God of the impossible.”

” A person who is alive is constantly getting lost. the big thing…is to realize that this is your own adventure. and that all the field guides…holding up mirrors can only flash you…a glimpse of your own story. it’s yours to savor. it belongs to no one else.” Bonnie F. (i wonder who Bonnie F. is?)

“not all who wander are lost.” –J.R.R.Tolkien

“…Risk is inevitable…every forward movement…puts me at risk. Therefore, i’ve made the decision to live until i die.” –Marlee LeDai

“As for the education of children is concerned i think they should be taught not the little virtues but the great ones. Not thrift but generosity and an indifference to money; not caution but courage and a contempt for danger; not shrewdness but frankness and a love of truth; not tact but love for one’s neighbor and self-denial; not a desire for success, but a desire to be and to know.” –Natalia Ginzburg

When you are looking for God He seems to be everywhere, even in the most secular music, places, and people…when you are not, even the most religious things are devoid of God. just a thought.

We got some Pacer tickets donated. i took the Jr. girls–Kayla, Savannah, and Tisha. It was pretty nosebleed, but we had a great time. the gentleman next to us (you can see his leg) saw us all trying to share a cotton candy and bought us each one (that was like $10)!

Whoa, cute cousins! and i can’t remember all the names…it would be my brother showing off in the middle…

Cherrylynn with Avery, Samantha’s daughter (Samantha is on the right of me). Next year maybe i’ll get to meet Cherrylynn’s new baby!

Just watched “What Dreams May Come.” wow. got some messed up stuff in there, but tons of truth. perhaps more than i’d like to admit or that feels comfortable talking about.

“Don’t try too hard to experience God. That never works for me. Just be available to Him. Be quiet, and listen. Notice the direction your heart goes. God will speak to us in lots of ways–in a memory, in a Scripture, in our desire, and in that still, small voice within. Journal about what you are sensing, what you are feeling. take your questions to Him.” John Eldredge in “The Way of the Wild Heart”

i used to speak about hearing God in a hushed tone because i didn’t want people thinking i was crazy. even quietly some people questioned if i was simply hearing what i want to hear. maybe sometimes i am. but there is more to it. and i am tired of saying it quietly. i love having a relationship with God. Talking to Him and listening. Having the Holy Spirit living inside of me. Were all those verses just pretty language–or is it real? 1 Cor.6:19-20, Rev.3:20…is it possible that all the fullness of God is living in me? HECK yeah!

Your weekly Kindergarten quote is from Lauren, who told me “i am used to sharing…and well, my sisters–they are used to having.”

Only had a couple days open at the youth center, and we had a guest speaker for the Jr’s. He shared about Samson. As he rounded the corner on his story, he of course told about how Samson managed to kill more in his death than in his life. As i watched the speakers face, i saw a blank look pass as he realized the moral to his story. he raised his eyebrows and i could swear to you he was thinking “gosh, i just told a bunch of kids that if God is with you, you might get to kill lots of people as you commit suicide” he recovered, made sure the kids knew it was God’s enemies that died…and we ended soon after that.

it made me laugh. and think. how exactly do you reconcile that? i haven’t really found an answer yet. and that’s ok. i don’t think the Jr’s are going to work to apply the Bible study. sometimes the only word for some moments is “ironic.”

4:27am Friday morning my alarm went off

4:35 and i was out the door

4:45 i arrived at Sears

4:50 We were told that all the 10$ gift certificates had already been given out. i sat down and bundled like an antisocial mummy

5:00 I walked in the door and got an MP3 player. The people behind me reached forward and took 4 more. i was suddenly possessed by an animal territorial instinct and reached out to take 10 more. But i recomposed, remembered my bank account and starving children in Africa, bought just that one, and walked out the door rather self-righteously.

5:17 i passed Circuit City and saw an ambulance in front. Shake my head in dismay.

5:27 i arrive at Office Depot and sit in the car to be stubborn and prove that i am not driven by sales and have restraint

5:33 i decide to be social and listen to everyone talking in line. The store opens at 6am. i feel better as i hear about the crazy people who waited at Best Buy since 3pm Thanksgiving afternoon. see? what is half an hour? I feel even better when the speaker then PROUDLY (not sheepishly) told how he’d waited in line 32 hours for something once. random snowflakes fall, and i bundle into my antisocial mummy state once again, disgusted with democracy–but only until i got the DVD player for $14.99.

Needless to say, it was a lovely Thanksgiving. yes Cortney, i did watch the Macy’s day parade. the whole thing. i think that one of the things that makes Thanksgivings so wonderful are past Thanksgivings. Remembering growing up…what we did and didn’t do. the fun, the food, the family…the fights…they all seem to play a part in the present. Even last year, being in Brasil made this year something special-er. and then today we got together with family. its a nice thing for a group of people to make an effort and sacrifice to get together and celebrate the fact they just happened to be be born in the same family. To make a choice to reach out and know people, keep up with people, and work through thick and thin with them simply from random genetics. grin. that is a scientific way of saying family is awesome. i love the whole concept. Good idea God.

Turn the music up

give me another storyline

something to occupy

something to fill my mind

hmm. been awhile since i really actually wrote things. no apologies, just a statistic.

“Sometimes there just aren’t enough rocks to throw.” –Forest Gump

God to Rachel: “i won’t be second best. i don’t want second place. i want all of you to want all of Me and i will stop at nothing to get it.”

Purity. 1 John 3:3 “And every man that hath this hope (of seeing God return) in him purifieth himself, even as He is pure.”

To do list:

* Prepare my mind and use self control (1 Pet.1:13)

* Hope in Christ’s return (1 John 3:3)

* Pray with thanksgiving and give it all to God (Phil. 4:6-7)

* Take thoughts captive (2 Cor.10:5)

* Renew my mind (Rom.12:2)

* Obey the truth and love others fervently (1 Pet.1:22)

so how exactly does one begin doing this? poof–in the next hour i will renew my mind? ggghhhhaaahhh.

What does it mean to be a friend? to pray for them. to want to know about their life and share yours with them. keep up on life through e-mail, calls, and get together every once in awhile. to ask their advice and opinion on things because you respect them and want to know how they see things. to be happy for them when they are happy even if you think they are crazy. to be devastated when they fall, but believe that they will get back up. to tell them honestly what you think, and be fine if they stare at you blankly and change the subject. God, help me be a better friend.

a lot less of life is a matter of “life and death” than i thought. it is exhausting to live like everything is, and disappointing when you find things work out rather well without you. i give God a lot less credit on taking care of things than i should. i freak out and think the whole world must have dropped out of His hands at the slightest tremor. it comes from a warped view of success and failure. success isn’t when there are no problems and everything looks ok. failure is not when you mess up, feel like dirt, and have more problems than pennies. and how i see life or a solution is not the only way things need to work out.

Kindergarten is moving on. Keyarah checked to see if anyone was looking, popped off the lid to her gluestick, and then proceeded to lick it like a lollypop. i did nothing. she might as well figure out for herself if she likes it or not. as far as i know, it won’t kill you. Hunter was playing around behind me, trying to stay where i couldn’t see him. i asked (jokingly) what he was doing. he innocently answered “farting.” well, serves me right for asking.

my two boys are gone from the youth center. Devon moved with his dad, and Eric with his grandparents. please pray for them. i miss them so much and hope they are doing well. i’ve made a list of questions to go along with my infamous “how are you and God?” for when i talk to the girls. they tease me about it, but it is funny how they miss it when i don’t…or how they then turn around and ask me the same question. (they normally pick bad days, too). This one was Erica’s idea: “What does God think about you?”

deep.

Got to spend lots of time with Tele and Sundar, who came from Brasil. Last weekend was a banquet for World Renewal, the mission organization that i work through…amazing to see how God worked, works, and will work. It puts your life into perspective and makes you realize how you fit into something so much bigger than yourself–namely, the Bride of Christ. it is a good feeling. I also loved being able to translate for Sundar, and talk to him in Portuguese…he said he knew i had to learn Portuguese when i went to Brasil, because i couldn’t have handled not being able to communicate. he was less impressed with the fact that i spoke Portuguese as with the fact that i spoke SO MUCH Portuguese. opps. They came over, and my mom made the traditional fejioada (without the pigs ears and feet) and bolo de rolo…heaven. God is working and opening new contacts and doors for the ministry. Please pray for their trip and safe return next week. Next on my list is getting my tickets. prices have been so high that the January short-term missions trip to Brasil was canceled. i hope to get my ticket for the first week of February…holding my breath to see how much it will cost.

“It is a crime to give way to self-pity, to be weak in God’s strength when all this God is ours.” –Oswald Chambers

Hebrews 10:35 “Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward.”

Your love

makes it impossible to run away from my sin

Your love

is so true it hurts to see it and my lack

Your love

is sharper than a sword at cutting through my self-pity

and i cry out in pain

wanting to escape your gaze

so unworthy You call out the me

i am scared to show

so doubting the unfamiliar territory

where i have no control

forgive my unbelief in You

and in myself

trading the adventure for an ache of worries

take me back

and You are already there

****

The little girl that dances in the breeze

the little girl that wants to climb the trees

the little one that looks around her with delight

the little one you must protect from her fright

she’s so small

but she knows so much

is she waiting

for some magic touch

to open the doors

and let her in

to where her adult life

will magically begin?

“So I’m gonna buy a gun and start a war, if you can tell me something worth fighting for.” –the cry, the longing, the desire, the last yell of hope from my generation.

“The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them–words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”

i stole that from Anna. she got it somewhere.

“In my experience, men go to far greater lengths to avoid what they fear than to obtain what they desire.”

this quote kills me with truth and pain and agony and…hope.

“if a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.” –Thoreau

You’ll be fine tomorrow

the sun will rise again

it’s never easy to say goodbye

you know i’ll always love you

you know i always will

goodbye goodbye goodbye

my old friend

goodbye goodbye goodbye

we’ve reached the end

i don’t cry for sorrow

i cry with joy

the memories we made can’t be destroyed

you know i won’t forget you

you know i never could

and when i said i love you

you know i meant for good

you know i’ll always love

Goodbye

–Audio Adrenaline