i had a date tonight 
. four, actually. movie and dinner.
Philip, Seth, John…Sammie didn’t fit in the picture. We saw “Open Season” and then ate at Micky Ds…even though i forgot to make sure Sammie was wearing shoes (he was wearing slippers), and forgot to get Seth a PLAIN double cheeseburger and ended up taking it apart for him. It was fun fitting three car seats in the back…all of us holding hands going anywere. $13 total. yeah.
Don’t be jealous:)
I am waiting. Like a child ready to leave the room and enter the world I want to step out into all that God has for me. I want to walk into the light and let it’s powerful rays burn me through, searching out my hidden motives. I feel like I have only begun to see—to imagine what all God has—what all life is. There is so much more, but it will cost me everything to find it, to attain. Is this desire an invitation from God or do I have to wait for something more official?
This year has been a long journey. Life happening. I returned home from Brasil to celebrate the holidays and new 2006 year with my family in California. It was an amazing time and whirlwind 2 months before I headed back to Brasil for the spring semester. I enjoyed being home and being spoiled, and was ready to hit the ground running in Brasil. It was a good, hard, rewarding, and learning six months. I taught preschool and kindergarten at the International school, while continuing to learn Portuguese, taking some internet classes, being a part of the singing and outreach ministry, and teaching English to whoever wanted to learn. I enjoyed more freedom in taking the bus and feeling accomplished enough to go places by myself and understand what was going on around me. A lot of things finally clicked,. After the other trips of mostly observing others, this was my turn to step up and help out—being an active part of the ministry. My sister came in June, as well as some amazing groups of US-ians who did camps and such in July.
Decisions. I make them all the time and yet they still freak me out. Especially when faced with the big ones. Because I don’t want to pay the consequences for if I make the wrong decision. I don’t want to bear the pain. But making no decision at all is choosing to lock yourself away, until you wake up one morning, and you don’t even know what you want or who you are anymore. You find out that to protect yourself, you lose yourself.
I returned in August and started my final semester for an Associates of Arts in Early Childhood Education. I also got to go back to working at the Good News Ministries Youth Center. It has made for a very busy semester, especially since I am student teaching Kindergarten for one of my classes. The head teacher is great, and I am so excited to learn under her and put all these things into practice when I return to Brasil. Yep, return. Since nothing has changed yet with the Visas, I will plan on doing the same thing as last year—six months there and six month here.
Where do my emotions end
And the essence of me begin
When do I fight
And when do I lay my armor down
When do I surrender all
And when do I take my cross and follow
When do I give up
And when do I shoulder my responsibility
I want to be the one
That proves everyone wrong
That sees the miracles happen
Because I believed
But sometimes I wonder
If all I was supposed to do
Was let go
God has been so good to me. I set out to conquer the world this year, and yet feel conquered myself. I wanted to make all the wrongs right and found I was the one messing up. I wanted to give solutions when it wasn’t about problems, it was about living the life. The adventure. I feel God calling out to me, “I won’t be second best, I don’t want to be second place, I want all of you to want all of me and I will stop at nothing to get it.” I am learning. 24 and struggling. I think God is crazy for wanting me, choosing me, and working with me; but I am so glad He does. He also provided for the finances for my next trip to Brasil, in a most unexpected way—through college. The refund from my financial aid, gifts from *THANK YOU* family and friends, and money from work will cover it. Needless to say, I will be continuing schooling…working towards my next AA degree in Human services next semester, while teaching and loving the sunshine.
But I need your prayers. Please.
What a year. Can’t wait to see the next. It is going to be good.
i feel like the real me is stuck inside and i can’t get it out. and the problem is, the outside me doesn’t even know the inside me very well. i can’t predict it. i can’t control it. i can’t protect myself when it acts stupid or dumb. i can’t control my outside self when others notice my inconsistencies.
who i am is me. the outside me too. the spiritual me, the deep me, the thoughtful, quiet person–that is all me. and yet when i am shallow and loud i feel like i am betraying that part of me somehow. then i wonder which part was real. why does either have to be fake? what if my moments of indiscretion are really the moments i am really living? what if the rest is fake? those times where people say “you must have been insane” are those the times i actually let my guard down? or is the sensible, as well as the crazy person, all me.
perhaps our mistakes reveal more of us than we think. perhaps they are not mistakes at all but when we see our true selves. but then again–what about our moments of greatness, of sacrificial giving…are those the moments of our true selves? and where do we go around judging ourselves and deciding who we are anyways? isn’t it the “blind self” the part of us that others can see and we can’t, rather big? and yet there is always a “hidden self” that we know about and others don’t–even when we do try to explain. the part of our heart that will always feel lonely, and many times, is a lovely loneliness that makes me feel sane. if there was no me that was only known to just me i fear i would melt into the crowd of people walking down the street and be lost completely.
but all my philosophy does me no good in solving my feelings or the feelings of anyone else. reality says it is just one more distraction to put of discovering change one more day. but i don’t want distraction–i want to run into life like a truck going 60. at the moment.
Christmas always fills me with Saudades…the melancholy word that will never be rightly, fully translated into English and that is why i love it–why i can claim it for any indescribable emotion pulsing through me. i feel quiet. i feel the world swirl around me. i feel like kissing the world on the cheek and then forgetting about it forever. like all is right with everything and so we can now become floating drops in the sea of eternity. until the next moment.
is it possible to have a Christmas without getting into an argument with someone? not that i argued much or my feelings were hurt much…but man…100% of the time SOMETHING has to happen on a holiday. bet money.
presents are lovely. extra time where you CANNOT feel guilty about wasting it is lovelier still. and knowing what to do with yourself would be the loveliest of all. something about Christmas makes me feel lost. like i don’t know what to do with myself. one moment i want to do a million things, the next i am looking at the clock realizing the day is gone and i want nothing more than warm slippers.
The best moment of the day was when my father wrote a check…for the kids in Paudalho, Brasil. it made me feel like there was a reason for existence. for living in rich old USA. for working and the whole materialistic system we stare down daily–to give. to be able to give. it truly is a gift. and you must be gifted to do it.
i went to my favorite spot recently. where in the past i’d felt God so clearly. where two years ago i’d asked God if i was doing His will for me, and if being in the US for 6 months and Brasil for 6 months was good–best. and if it were my last year alive, if that would be the best way to use my time. i clearly felt Him say yes. i wanted that again. i asked the same question. and heard the creek, felt the wind, saw the stars…but no answer. i felt another desire sneak up on me. not to hear God. not to know His will for me. not to see my future clearly…but to just have Him.
that is better than an answer.
but why does my desire fly away so quickly? why is it so weak and flimsy. sometimes i am so disgusted with it’s shallowness that i hate it. sometimes i just don’t care.
Charlie Brown, with his oversized shirt and little legs sticking out, did not dissappoint me. his one line “What’s going on here” was done very well, concluding with a huge jump and shocked face.
look for the yellow zig-zag shirt.
he is wearing shorts. i promise.
Merry Christmas from the Winzeler Family.
Christmas. more happiness and more sadness than almost any other day out of the year. You always have both extremes…happiness of being together, getting more stuff to pile on your other stuff (cynically stated), sleeping and eating LOTS. time off work, vacation…and sadness when you are alone, when you are not able to be with those you love, when things don’t work out, when family members bring up the same argument from last year, when you ate too much and can’t move…
and most Christmas’s i find to be a mixture of both. can’t seem to have all one or the other no matter how hard i try. that’s life.
We passed out Christmas presents around the neighborhood with the Youth Center on Thursday. This meant i grabbed 8 kids, loaded them up with toys that had been donated, and then drove down the street, stopping everytime we saw a house that might have kids (meaning they had stay balls, toys, and whatever littering their porch) and had the kids knock on their door, asking if they wanted any presents for their family. After a couple awkward moments where some people looked down their noses at us or kids said the stuff wasn’t good enough–the evening was really good. We sang a couple carols and had a very enthusiastic version of “Jingle Bells” involving lots of complicated banging on the sides of the van. it was Christmas time. even with the rain soaking everyone and getting the toys muddy.
We got our wet selves back in time to find out i was doing the Bible study for the Jr.s–about 11 very hyper ones. i was halfway through it when i realized i really wasn’t saying anything about Christmas, but then again…i was. Revelations 3:20.
i took my first and only vacation day of the year on Tuesday to be with family. instead, Anna, John, and i all woke up Tuesday morning coughing and sick. mom and dad went around administering juice and vitamin C to our rooms. Welcome to Christmas vacation. cough cough. But i have had such wonderful times with so many people–Jessica, Aunts and Uncles, Myssi, Sara, Dani…even if Dani did keep ditching Sara and i in the mall…just because i happen to like singing Christmas carols and wearing the reindeer ears they gave me at Old Navy. goodness.
i am surrounded by stuff! ahhhhhh!
that was my after-shopping blurb. sometimes…it is just too much.
and “It’s a Wonderful Life” really is a good movie. even though “A Muppet Christmas Carol” is still my top Christmas movie.
God. i don’t want to just write pretty words about you. i don’t even want to release all the thoughts that swirl my head. i want them to well up and show You. well up and touch You. to be all that i know is You. Happy Birthday.
i went to three churches today. i went to Indianapolis Christian Fellowship this morning with my family. i used to call it the “Rainbow church.” we went there when i was a little kid.
If the star was there that long to lead those kings…why were they the only ones who found it? i mean, the sky is a pretty public place. wasn’t anyone else looking?
This evening i went to Brookville road. saw lots of people from Brasil. then drove to Community Church of Southport (where i went most of my life, until i was 16) where we did get the actual candle light part. it ain’t Christmas until you see a room alit with candles. i sang every verse of “Silent Night” 3 times. heard “O Holy Night” with the trumpet 3 times…then came home and sang them again with my family. it was good. full of beauty and fellowship and God.
i am rather sensitive. i didn’t realize so much of life requires grieving. requires processing and realizing you are in pain or hurting or happy or sad–and then why the heck you feel that. I was in Brasil from July 05-August 06, with a quick Christmas at home. During that time alot of changes went on with our Church. God had other plans for our pastor and associate pastor. We received a new pastor. He is a wonderful man of God, and the church has grown tremendously and are doing lots of changes. i would recommend it as a good church for anyone to go to–but it doesn’t feel like home anymore. i’ve been going with my family wherever they are going, because my heart church is really in Brasil, it is where i feel home. Every Sunday i wake up and enjoy going wherever we go, i enjoy the people and the fellowship and hearing God’s Word. i don’t feel settled enough to call one place “home” yet. i still feel an urch in my stomach when people ask me where i am going to church…how do you say everywhere but nowhere? i’ve missed it alot during Christmas…
I can’t believe
I did it again
I said I was fine
Before I even thought
But no
I am not ok
I feel like
I’ve been robbed
Opening a door
And then finding
Everything missing
I stopped by
Church tonight
The memories
Flooding my soul
Of being a part of something
Of being a group
Of waking up and knowing
I had someplace to go
Where people expected to see me
I feel so unattached
Like memories were ripped away
As I peered through the doors
Because we leave
Is the past gone too?
Because we change
Must I deny what was?
I want to hold on
Simply because
It is what I had
What worked in the past
And I feel it is unfair
That things must change
My security blanket gone
Leaves me cold and unsure
***
i have been so overwhelmed with love this semester–since coming home from Brasil. People showing me love for no reason. i certainly did not deserve it. little kindnesses or going out of their way to talk to me and encourage me. Even nature and beauty just calls out to me and gives me love. If anyone from UHBC reads this, thank you for your love and kindness and always welcoming me with open arms. You are wonderful people and no one did anything…sometimes change and leaving does not mean anything is wrong…it just is part of life. have a wonderful Christmas and i hope to keep in contact.
Joseph’s Lullaby
by Mercy Me
Go to sleep my Son
This manger for your bed
You have a long road before You
Rest Your little head
Can You feel the weight of Your glory?
Do You understand the price?
Or does the Father guard Your heart for now
So You can sleep tonight?
Go to sleep my Son
Go and chase Your dreams
This world can wait for one more moment
Go and sleep in peace
I believe the glory of Heaven
Is lying in my arms tonight
But Lord, I ask that He for just this moment
Simply be my child
Go to sleep my Son
Baby, close Your eyes
Soon enough You’ll save the day
But for now, dear Child of mine
Oh my Jesus, Sleep tight
***
the best Christmas song ever: “God of Us” by Shawn Groves
Hope has come
To the world
Heaven’s son is
Born to earth
To hide beneath our
Flesh and bone
Call us friend
And call this home
Emmanuel
God with us
God with us
Emmanuel
God with us
Love has come
Weighted down
By splintered beam
And thorny crown
To take our nails
And taste our steel
Spill his life
And grace reveal
Savior
God for us
God for us
Savior
God for us
Heaven come
And take our hand
Whisper till we understand
Move our stubborn
Hearts to love
The very least
As you love us
Spirit be
God in us
God in us
Spirit be
God in us
Emmanuel
Savior
Spirit be
God of us
God of us
Vs. 1
Run home
Into my room
Close the
Door
Sit down
Stare at the light
Feeling
Sanctuary
Chorus:
You are my
Sanctuary
Where I am
Safe and free
You are my
Sanctuary
Where I can
Simply be
Vs. 2
Hold me
In the holy place
Fill the
Emptiness
In this
Holy moment
As I
Cry Sanctuary
Chorus:
From one place to another
Solving one conflict to the other
Wondering when to stop
Wanting to do enough
Scared to slow down or miss
Don’t let someone fall in the cracks
Can’t let them down
I feel guilty to have my own problems
To admit they are there
To become yet another one
Dumping
Letting loose
Weighing
On someone else
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