December 24, 2006

• i went to three churches today. i went to Indianapolis Christian Fellowship this morning with my family. i used to call it the “Rainbow church.” we went there when i was a little kid.

  If the star was there that long to lead those kings…why were they the only ones who found it? i mean, the sky is a pretty public place. wasn’t anyone else looking?

  This evening i went to Brookville road. saw lots of people from Brasil. then drove to Community Church of Southport (where i went most of my life, until i was 16) where we did get the actual candle light part. it ain’t Christmas until you see a room alit with candles. i sang every verse of “Silent Night” 3 times. heard “O Holy Night” with the trumpet 3 times…then came home and sang them again with my family. it was good. full of beauty and fellowship and God.

  i am rather sensitive. i didn’t realize so much of life requires grieving. requires processing and realizing you are in pain or hurting or happy or sad–and then why the heck you feel that. I was in Brasil from July 05-August 06, with a quick Christmas at home. During that time alot of changes went on with our Church. God had other plans for our pastor and associate pastor. We received a new pastor. He is a wonderful man of God, and the church has grown tremendously and are doing lots of changes. i would recommend it as a good church for anyone to go to–but it doesn’t feel like home anymore. i’ve been going with my family wherever they are going, because my heart church is really in Brasil, it is where i feel home. Every Sunday i wake up and enjoy going wherever we go, i enjoy the people and the fellowship and hearing God’s Word. i don’t feel settled enough to call one place “home” yet. i still feel an urch in my stomach when people ask me where i am going to church…how do you say everywhere but nowhere? i’ve missed it alot during Christmas…

  I can’t believe
  I did it again
  I said I was fine
  Before I even thought

  But no
  I am not ok
  I feel like
  I’ve been robbed
  Opening a door
  And then finding
  Everything missing

  I stopped by
  Church tonight
  The memories
  Flooding my soul
  Of being a part of something
  Of being a group
  Of waking up and knowing
  I had someplace to go
  Where people expected to see me

  I feel so unattached
  Like memories were ripped away
  As I peered through the doors

  Because we leave
  Is the past gone too?
  Because we change
  Must I deny what was?

  I want to hold on
  Simply because
  It is what I had
  What worked in the past
  And I feel it is unfair
  That things must change

  My security blanket gone
  Leaves me cold and unsure
  ***

  i have been so overwhelmed with love this semester–since coming home from Brasil. People showing me love for no reason. i certainly did not deserve it. little kindnesses or going out of their way to talk to me and encourage me. Even nature and beauty just calls out to me and gives me love. If anyone from UHBC reads this, thank you for your love and kindness and always welcoming me with open arms. You are wonderful people and no one did anything…sometimes change and leaving does not mean anything is wrong…it just is part of life. have a wonderful Christmas and i hope to keep in contact.

  • 10:23 pm
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