i got to go to the park with John today. nice weather. and teach him how to ride his bike. well, a little.

Revelations 3:9 “…i will make them…to know that i have loved you.” (Jesus speaking)

Had a great weekend with Karianne, Sylvain, and her belly. they will know after Christmas if it is a boy or a girl. i enjoyed going to church with them and it really made me think about commercialism and such…at any birthday party–it is really about the guests if you think about it. planning, giving invitations, making food, entertaining…it really does not have too much to do with the person having the birthday. But the person’s true friends will work to make it personally special for the person–a gift with significance, a special outing, a card that speaks about true love and gratefulness of the friendship–something so that the birthday person feels singled out and understands that they are loved and special and worth time invested and so much more. So what am i going to get Jesus?

Life isn’t about denying desire…but sometimes/many times/always about surrendering desire.

Intersession is asking God, “What is your heart for _____” waiting for an answer, and then praying it back to God.

so many things that happen in life feel unnatual. we see and know just enough about a perfect world to tantalize us and make us say ”see? it isn’t supposed to be like this–it isn’t fair!” We can imagine it, but never reach it and make that world ours. millions die trying. and everyone–everyone who lives–to a certain extent, wakes up with an idea of “perhaps today.” Why would anyone NOT commit suicide if they didn’t believe that in some way that things would–or at least could–get better in some way, at some time. that is hope.  

i can count on one hand the people who i’ve truly hated at times. they are the same names i would say of people that i have truly loved. ironic. it says something about me being messed up. but i think it says something more about life. about holding in and letting go. could it be possible that love can only reach certain heights and intimacy after it has passed through hatred? that faith can only grow so strong after it has passed through doubt? hope only after despair? freedom only after slavery? Joy only after sorrow? courage after fear?

Surely all these things can be reached without their opposites, but it seems to be at a much shallower place–lacking something. or waiting for something more. we fear what we cannot control. We enjoy love until it reaches points of pain or hate, something uncontrollable. but it is then that it joins a place that takes us higher, deeper…it is a different kind of love after you open up to being hurt, sorrow, and even hatred (not staying there–but going on to forgiveness and choosing to love when you don’t want to). people fear that kind of love. like they fear any emotion/choice that opens up possibilities they cannot predict–why do you think there are so few true Christians? because they cannot control a God who has full control of them. it is too deep for them. too many unanswered questions. too hard. and look at those who have–they have some of the hardest, full of sorrow lives i’ve ever seen. and yet…

On my communications final:

Ultimately, what seems to make relationships the most intimate is:

a. attractiveness

b.choice

c.our ability to be ourselves with the other person

d. opps. i forget what d was.

i knew it wasn’t a. i picked b. the right answer was c.

i copied this from my art final:

“Much of our lives are lived in ‘technological time’ where we can have a great degree of personal control over what we want, when we get it, where we go, etc. ‘Natural time’ challenges us to let go of the need and to be a part of a greater experience…”

and then i had a project at the art museum. here’s part of my paper:

Contemporary art had a feeling of being obsessed with being original. A fascination of going beyond the natural and normal. Some of it felt preposterous, like random objects stuck on the wall. I loved and hated it more than the previous exhibits. I felt like some of it was plain dumb…but then again, it made me stop and examine it, thinking, “Maybe, if I keep looking, it will make sense.” Some part of me longed to like it, to understand it, to feel it. Each one seemed to want me to understand an emotion—fear, boldness, timidity, adventure, sadness, excitement…some succeeded, some failed. And then I came to an empty room. I did not see a label, but simply walked in, saw dim lights on each side, and a large black square…a blank canvas. I stood there and felt the space. The emptiness—and I loved it. I felt peace. Like I could breathe after being under water. Time went slower. I continued on, progressing no further in.

My sister stopped me. She made me return. She had entered a couple minutes later and had a completely different experience. That is what art is. In her experience, she entered and felt frightened. It reminded her of eternity, a concept that boggles her mind and fills her with uncertainty. Like the Ocean, with its vastness, she was timid, yet drawn in. She walked up to the blank canvas and reached out to touch it. Her hand fell through the air, fears rushing into her heart and pounding into her head—like everything from a nightmare suddenly falling on top of you. The air thickened around her. It mesmerized her senses. As we returned to the room together, we let our eyes adjust and were amazed to see that our blank, black canvas was actually a room, much larger than we could reach. Putting our heads inside and feeling nothing was deeper than touching anything tangible. It was an incredible experience.

The “Will Boys Be Boys?” exhibit: bloody noses, barbed wire, beer, recklessness, being unashamed, timidity, violence, crudeness, loneliness—searching for something. It covered me with a longing and sadness. For me, they all held a sense of lacking. I think it is the same thing that calls out to girls and makes them want to “save” a boy, to fulfill him—to make his emptiness disappear. Boys are looking for their manhood and are doing all they can to cover up the fact that they are clueless and feel like imposters. It was one of my favorite parts of the museum. Because it made me face the feelings coming at me.

The 1^{st floor had American and European art. The traditional art that you think of when you think of art museums. The floor was elaborate and…comfortable. Nothing controversial. They were not calling out to me to enjoy their space and peace (like Asian art), or their wild and sensualness (like African art), or their emotions (like Contemporary art). The invitation was familiar and calm, not expecting a reply, but ready to speak if I was ready to stop and take the time to listen. I want the art and its experiences to become part of my life that explains and asks new questions each time I return. I want to be enchanted, to be amazed…and to be changed.}

^****

^{i like school. but i like having break now better.}

pictures.

The Indianapolis Art Museum. awesome. love hearing Anna play. i want to post a picture of my Kindergarten kids…but that is a big no-no and i could get sued for millions of dollars that no one has…

Karianne and i at the oldest house in Peoria, the Whiskey capital of the world at one time…with a chair they made out of horns…they had very cute leprechauns.

Attempting a family picture and not really getting it…

cute stuff.

This is my other mom, Sister Harris, and Sister Whitley–the best choir director in the world. Congratulations! She finally retired.

The CHRISTMAS PARTY!

before…(Tisha)

after…(Indaisha and Erica)

Downtown Indianapolis

Anna and Carina…oh, and Carina, i am not posting all of these and a bunch need to be turned and all that jazz…you’ll get them eventually.

Swing dancing…fun. didn’t learn how to dance any better than last time, but had a good time cheesin’.

I heard a voice through the discord
A deluge of passersby
I saw one gaze frozen in time
Watching me passing by

I swear I’ll know your face in the crowd
And I’ll hear your voice so loud
When you’re whispering

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

Here’s my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace
Do you feel hollow when you think of how I lied?

Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me
Oh sweet angel of mercy
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another

Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger
Hey unloving
I will love you
I will love you
I will love you

Jesus, I’m ready to come home
Jesus, I’m ready to come home
Hey unfaithful
Hey ungraceful
Hey unloving
I will love you

–Underoath

I watched the preverbal sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I’m losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
‘Cause I don’t want you to know where I am
‘Cause then you’ll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

(Stop right there) That’s exactly where I lost it
(See that line?) Well I never should have crossed it
(Stop right there) Well I never should have said that it’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I’m sorry for the person I became
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change
I’m ready to try to never become that way again
‘Cause who I am hates who I’ve been
Who I am hates who I’ve been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn’t keep to myself enough and the things
I bottled inside I finally begun to create so much pressure that I’d soon blow up
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can’t let that happen again
‘Cause then you’ll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
This is no place to try and live my life

(Stop right there) That’s exactly where I lost it
(See that line?) I never should have crossed it
(Stop right there) I never should have said that it’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back

–Relient K

Did I change your mind with
What I said last night?
Did I break your heart by
Straying so far?
From what you have in mind
For my life?

Would you change me from
Who I’ve been lately?
‘Cause I know I’m nothing
Without you

Did my words betray the
Patience I once claimed
Can’t you see it in my face?
I need your grace

Would you change me from
Who I’ve been laterly?
‘Cause I lnow I’m nothing
Without you
Would you save me from
The way I’ve been lately?
‘Cause I can’t see living
Without you

Would you change me from
Who I’ve been lately?
‘Cause I lnow I’m nothing
without you
Would you break me from
The way I’ve been lately?
‘Cause I can’t see living
Without you

—Sanctus Real

it is amazing how much little things like slippers and other people using them can grate on your soul. my word. that is pretty sad.

a person with responsibility = someone who cannot make mistakes without multiple people noticing. yuck. are you with me here? don’t you ever just yell “CAN’T I MAKE MISTAKES QUIETLY?”

i did a couple Bible studies this week. on fighting. rather ironic how many fights there were AFTER the Bible studies. makes me remember that i am not the one who will teach the lessons. After talking about what God says about fighting and how we are to love and give it to Him if we have a problem, i realized it really is dumb to not fight unless you are a Christian. If you don’t care about God, why shouldn’t you get even with them? there really is no logical reason not to. The next Bible study was on how we are supposed to fight. That was encouraging to Kayla, who has come to me in tears (after attitudes the size of Everest) wondering why she just can’t leave people/issues alone. all that energy and wanting to make things right–it was given to her for a reason–she just has to learn how to throw it all in the right direction, fighting the “Good fight of faith” (1 Tim.6:12). we still have a long way to go.

Darren is the All-star friend this week in Kindergarten, and he made a book about things he likes. As we were reading it, one page says “i got tew mieoin dolrs” ($10,000,000) to which Ily asked “are you going to take Ms.Winzeler to a restaurant, with a dress, and then marry her?” (how this natural progression occurred to Ily, i have no idea, but she seemed to believe that’s how the world works) and Sarina says “i’d save it for college.” Darren looks at all three of us, and then says that he will save his ten million dollars for college. the conversations of 5 year olds. wow.

Wednesday was my last day of Kindergarten, and they made me cards and almost knocked me over with hugs. 24 at once is quite an experience. try to figure these out:

Chayce: “i hop you haf a good fakashn”

Benson: “we like to pla at resas.”

Hunter: “you…owtsid on monke brz”

Maleeha: “i pricheat that so much” (WOW!)

Ily: “Will you be vizding bekus we miss you!”

Treasure: “you r pride”

the last one got to me, because i know i have a problem with pride, until i realized she meant “pretty.” which is much more flattering.

i had my graduation interview…only a couple more papers and tests and i am through with my Associates in Early Childhood Education. not that i am done, cuz January 8 i start my next degree in Human Services. watch out, i am taking a substance abuse class…

Psalms 138:3 “In the day when i cried out, you answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”

1 John 2:17 “and the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.”

i am looking for ways to fight for my relationship with God. i know He knows everything, but i want Him to know how i care about Him and value Him more than anything, and will fight to put Him first. i think these are the main ingredients of a relationship that must be fought for:

1.Time

2. Communication: talking/listening

3. Honesty/realness

4. Giving/receiving

5. Appreciating/encouraging

What do you give God for Christmas? He’s even harder to buy for than my dad–who normally settles for some kind of food item. i will think about it more while gazing at our Charlie Brown Christmas tree. actually, it CAME with the label. no joke.

John is going to be “Charlie Brown” in a Christmas play. i am so excited. He only has one line, but i am confident that he will make it more than enough interesting.

Rachel J.: How old do you think i am?

John: a thousand

Rachel J.: No, a real number

John: that is a really number!

Rachel J.:a number that real people live to

John: a hundred

you can’t win with 6 year olds. He told me he’d gotten his first “fire carpet.” After seeing it, i deduced it was a rugburn.

i thought i was used to being cussed out. i guess not. why do words still have power?

Timothy is 8…actually, i think he is 7, but since he wants to go to the youth center, he is 8. He reminds me alot of John. very innocent and naive. very. sometimes the kids go up to him and tease him with a straight face…and he never gets that they are teasing. i look at him and wonder “what if that had been my brother?” he has so many rude awakenings ahead of him. i try to step in and help him out…but i won’t be there in the times that really matter. i am not enough to protect him. He’s growing up in such an ugly world. but for now, he just does random things like play in the balls until he’s so wet i send him home to change.

I ended up taking the youth center kids to Ponderosa. What Donald said to the waiter to get a free drink…i will never know. how does he always get what he wants? We had a mall scavenger hunt, and then the van died on the ride back. rainy and wet and in the middle of the road, i made all six guys pile out and push us to the gas station…only to call and find out there was a full tank if i flipped the switch. opps.

On to adventure. Air plane tickets. yikes. i read this book and was very inspired. i found all these lovely cheap flights online. after checking things through, i now have a ticket to Miami, where i will stay for the weekend in a hostel ($17 a night baby!–see it at www.evergladeshostel.com) hike, bike, and snorkel (weather permitting) in the Everglades and Keys, then fly to Sao Paulo via Costa Rica. Still working on the rest of the details, like what to do with my bags…I am really excited about this God and i time. It is all in getting where you are going, right? enjoy the journey.

i don’t have relationships
i have mutually agreeable encounters

i find my plan for the day and if there is time
i grab from my list of people that i want to spend time with
i say when the conversation starts and when it ends
i make sure what is said is satisfying
and then i go back to being productive

i have my plate full of being useful, nice, and kind–christian ministry for goodness sake–and then that is that. there is nothing else. no room for whatever God wants to put on there. and He’d better not take away something good…he’d better not put on there something else or i’ll freak out and start stressing about where the time will come from. My mentor told me its like a buffet…learning to come to God with an empty plate, and say “what would you like to put on it?” learning not to complain, even if it is liver. Control is me filling up my plate with “good, godly, Christian things” so fast that i look good to everyone…and won’t have room for liver.

“It is much easier to do something than to trust in God; we mistake panic for inspiration…the degree of panic is the degree of the lack of personal spiritual experience.” –Oswald Chambers

ouch.

1 Peter. 1:22 “Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart.”

This is what i want. sounds like a good verse for 2007. because i am so not there. yet.