January 7, 2007

• Is it true? is there a love out there that i haven’t tasted? is there more?

  More than what i see, more than what i want or could ever be?

  is there a love that will urge me on

  that will make me forget my life completely

  to live all for the sake of another

  to give the sacrifice not just of life but of time

  of every minute denying myself. of every opportunity to make them smile. to make something so real to them that they see it past all reality around them

  where the cold world never hits. where the pain is always worth it. and death is only another card in the game.

  ***

  I saw “life is beautiful.” and recommend it. no sex, drugs, language (it is in Italian with English subtitles–they don’t cuss in English at least) or blood–only the violence of the setting in a concentration camp makes it PG-13. intense. and my new favorite movie. please see it. very few times do you see such pure love, sacrifice, and beauty portrayed. it makes you evaluate the great LACK of love in your own life.

  ***

  Beauty encompasses all that makes us want to live higher. a ‘beautiful soul’ normally has nothing to do with looks. a ‘beautiful moment’ you cannot even see. It is what we attach to the things that stir our soul, that awakens our longings, that arouses our passions–that makes us want to live outside of where we are. beauty is a choice to see reality as more than what is presented–as something we haven’t quite figured out–and want to devote our lives to the quest. Life is beautiful.

  I know so little of you God. Life is beautiful because You are beautiful. it is shattered and we must look hard and long to find those beautiful pieces. and when we hold them up to the light the rainbows that shine through give us a glimmer of Your face. and i so seldom stop to find them. to see it. to know You. Why is the painful beauty a part of you too?

  My life is so shallow. i only know how to live for myself. i only know how to motivate myself with what i want. in the end i am stubborn enough to only do it if it is the best deal for me. my life is empty. what is of redeeming value and what is my facade of reality for me? i can’t love. and i don’t even want to because it hurts too much. it’s too time consuming. it will take my life from me–the life i want to live. oh God i want to live–but i am trapped–trapped in wanting to live.

   

  • 9:06 pm
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