i finished it.

“Missions is less about the transportation of God from one place to another and more about the identification of a God who is already there. it is almost as if being a good missionary means having really good eyesight. or maybe it means teaching people to use their eyes to see things that have always been there; they just didn’t realize it. you see God where others don’t, and then you point Him out. Perhaps we ought to replace the word “missionary” with “tour guide” because we cannot show people something we haven’t seen…and if you do see yourself as carrying God to places, it can be exhausting. God is really heavy.”

“Being a Christian is not cutting yourself off from life, it is entering into it more fully…it is a journey into the heart of how things really are.”

Sabbath is:

* taking a day to remind myself that i did not make the world and it will continue to exist without my efforts

* When my work is done, even if it isn’t

*When my job is to enjoy. period

*When i am fully available to myself and those i love most

* When i remember that when God made the world, He said it was good

* When i remind myself that i am not a machine

* When at the end of the day i say “i didn’t do anything today” and i don’t add “and i feel so guilty.”

“Are you smoking what you are selling?”

“Jesus lives; here is a toaster”–these are the kinds of people who change the world. they improvise and adapt and innovate and explore new ways to get things done. they don’t make alot of noise and they don’t draw alot of attention to themselves.”

“This is what we are dying for–something that demands we step up and become better, more focused people. something that calls out the greatness that we hope is somewhere inside of us.”

“What does Jesus do almost as much as he teaches and heals? He eats long meals. As Christians, it is our duty to master the art of the long meal.”

i would copy the epilog, but you need to read it yourself.

i’m gonna fly…

attempting to get a serious picture

i miss you guys.

the handsome professor

L to R: Eukias, Karine, David, Anna, Aniha, Me, Maninho, and Joelson…Romio e Julieta tapioca never tasted so good!

Aniha, Anna, Karine and i squished in the front of the combie with the driver (unseen in the picture). all the boys are squished behind us with all the other random people, like the “caller guy” (i dunno what he is called really) standing in the back because there are no seats. hey…it is 50 centavos! and they were really weirded out that i was taking pictures too.

i left my camera in Brasil. Anna, you’d better be taking pictures!!!

i, the book thief, have begun a new book–the Velvet Elvis. currently on page 59, but i found some good stuff already. and there is something…interesting, weird, whatever about this book. it has made alot of stuff i’ve already known or heard sound so new and interesting…especially stuff like…the Bible.

“You rarely defend the things you love. you enjoy them and tell others about them and invite others to enjoy them with you.”

“Jesus invites everyone to jump. And saying yet to the invitation doesn’t mean we have to have it all figured out…i can jump and still have questions and doubts. i often meet people who are waiting to follow God until they have all their questions answered. they will be waiting a long time, because if we knew everything, we’d be…God. A Christian doesn’t avoid the questions, a Christian embraces them. in fact, to truly pursue the living God, we have to see the need for questions. questions are not scary. what is scary is when people don’t have any. what is tragic is faith that has no room for them…a question by its very nature acknowledges that the person asking the question does not have all the answers…they are looking outside themselves for guidance. questions, no matter how shocking or blasphemous or arrogant or ignorant or raw, are rooted in humility. questions bring freedom. freedom that i don’t have to be God and i don’t have to pretend that i have it all figured out. i can let God be God.”

“I did not ask for success. i asked for wonder.” –Abraham Joshua Heschel

“Truth always leads to more truth. Because truth is insight into God and God is infinite and God has no boundaries or edges. So truth always has layers and depth and texture.”

“When everything gets answered, it’s fake. The mystery is the truth.” –Sean Penn

If i only turn to God when things are good–my “god” is just insurance

If i only turn to God at church–my “god” is just an act, a front, a mask

If i only turn to God when i have falled–my “god” is just a crutch

If i only turn to God when i am lonely or afraid–my “god” is just a security blanket

If i only turn to God when i am lost or confused–my “god” is just a compass

If i only turn to God when i am bored–my “god” is just a distraction

If i only turn to God when i feel guilty about it–my “god” is just a ruse

If i only turn to God when i am hurting–my “god” is just a band-aid

If i only turn to God when i am happy–my “god” is just a toy

If i only turn to God when i want something–my “god” is just a vending machine

is my graffiti name. i bought spray paint. the garage awaits.

random question: if you had a blank wall, what would you write on it? (not that anyone actually RESPONDS to xanga…)

Karianne had a baby. Tristin. yea!

my body is weirded out. i keep thinking it is 5:30pm when it is really 8:30pm or later. this whole getting dark late stuff is great…except it gives me head aches. (in Brasil i live close to the equator–light at 6, dark at 6)

i went shopping for six straight hours yesterday. killer. spending money kills me. seeing all this stuff and wishing i could just levitate the whole store to Brasil…that kills me too. it isn’t fair. isn’t right. and i am going to arrive in Brasil, snap my fingers and say “DARN, i should have bought the blue one!”

everything here is so full of memories. it is like i can’t go anywhere without their ghosts.

have i lost it forever? and what is “it?”

i feel like i am trying to plan God into my time–and He is telling me to drop it all and follow Him.

then i say “for how long?” because i could do that, for a couple days, without losing anything.

and he stays silent because you don’t bargan with God. you don’t set terms. He doesn’t negociate.

and that is scary.

i am learning new things. like it is not just about making sure people are “saved.” it is encouraging them, loving them enough to ask and care that they are walking with God. That they aren’t running away and that they don’t have questions that can’t be asked.

i have been rather social lately. talking on the phone and everything. very surprising. and sometimes i sit and wonder why. or why not. it is just…different. heh.

Psalm 62. in the park. you must try it.

i am a life

open before You

a page

for You to write on

i see the world

dancing before me

choices

astounding me

there is so much

but common sense argues

there are miracles

but rationality closes its eyes

i don’t want to diminish

anything You have

i don’t want to step out of line

but right now

i just don’t see

right now

i just don’t have a vision

i love where i am

every day is full of beauty

i love where i am going

i am living the adventure

but things have shifted

and it somehow

doesn’t seem to be enough

i am ready to grow

into something

but i just don’t know

what kind of flower

i’m supposed to be

i now have 28 things on  my list of things that i need to show David and Alyssa (or anyone else who comes and visits from Brasil) about Indy. there are so many lovely things. at the moment, mostly being the sunny weather and cream puffs.

you go back to a place

to relive a memory

you hope it takes away the ache

but a place is just a place

the memory is still there

you cannot take it back

it will never be the same

as it was

today

you are writing history

***

i was going to look for a job, but i think i am booked with dreams and wishes and plans and…i will be volunteering at the youth center–we are going to have a banging summer. i am going to learn how to paint murals with a touch of graffiti mixed in without being too scandalous. Mom is seeing about having an operation, so i am going to cook all those healthy foods that make you forget about fried chicken and get her better fast. John and i will conquer that bike without training wheels. and i want to live. travel. listen. love. and pull out the bushes that block the sidewalk and all those projects my parents randomly mention every couple years…and May is almost over! pull yourself together man!

i really have it good here. American’s are spoiled rotten with freedom. or at least something called freedom. why does “freedom” seem to be an addiction in the US? like once they taste a little, they can’t get enough…they ride and ride on this freedom until it takes them to slavery–debt, drugs, sex…addictions, incurable diseases…all in the name of freedom.

William Wilberforce. we saw “Amazing Grace” for Mother’s day. i want that movie. i don’t know how, but the part about the spider webs and sitting on the wet grass…captured the beauty and joy and simplistic wonderfulness of a real relationship with Christ so perfectly it made me ache. he burned for something until it consumed him. people could look at him and see what his purpose in life was–what he was born for. What is mine? what will i die for? why do i crave something specific to wrap my hands and mind around? something that holds me and won’t let me go…something that sometimes i hate and wish i’d never heard of, but still grips my dreams and wishes. something that i talk about without even thinking about, something that i love and am in love with, but is also bigger than love and bigger than me. a vision that others can join and feel the need, the strength–and God. the reason, the point, the goal–for His glory–because it is HIS heart.

what is my cause? and why do all the good causes all seem to be taken?

South Beach was beautiful, but hollow. i enjoyed it, but it felt like the beach rather than the ocean…shallow and sandy.

The world is full of art–art is full of the world

it is all so enchanting–until it steals something it cannot replace

my roommates at the hostel was nice, and a girl from Germany was flying out the next morning also, so i volunteered to go early with her to help her out and she looked so grateful i felt like a heroine. South Beach has just as many people walking around at 4:30am as it does at 4:30pm. gosh. It was interesting to hear her views on life, her dreams, and politics. and now i have a place to stay whenever i drop by Germany. she said i looked German and would fit right in.

i went through my normal routine of remembering things:

24hour internet! hot water! and cold water–OPTIONS! bathtub! toilet paper goes in the toilet (in Brasil it goes in the trash can)! full refrigerator to raid! milk (milk is so much different in Brasil)! My car! Radio–in English! no bugs (seriously–where are they?)! Grass! Clean, flat sidewalk!

and everyone looks so…familiar, similar…normal.

we also have puppies…very cute except when they leave little presents on the kitchen floor. it is so weird to be here without Anna. now i can raid all her clothes (evil laugh).

Who was it that told me to put gum behind my ear to save it for later? HORRIBLE advice. i think it was Anna. well, it doesn’t work. i am now without gum and a huge glop of hair.

Don’t ask questions if you don’t want an answer. so many questions are not really questions at all–they are polite fronts. and most of the rest of questions…the person does not want to hear an answer anyway. it is rather a lose/lose situation for the one being questioned.

it is a horrible thing to wake up one morning and realize you can’t remember the last time you prayed for anyone besides yourself or having to do with your situations.

why is it so easy to be self-centered? Burn the midnight oil. but i am scared to make the sacrifice of not sleeping. i need sleep. i like sleep.

Sobre o abrigo pasam, lentamente, os sonhos que nem se ousam sonhar. “Looking towards heaven can be seen the dreams that simple people dare not have.”

someone asked me “what if you love Brasil just because it is all you have ever known.” then they pointed out how they had loved milk chocolate until they met dark chocolate and now realized it was really the dark chocolate that they had loved all along…If you stop at the first thing you enjoy, how do you know it is the best? how do you know you won’t like something better?

you don’t. you make a choice. some things you just know. what if i am only a Christian because it is the first thing i ever tried? good then. because it is what i want, what i am satisfied with. what i know is true. some people think this is a little box. close-minded. yep.

Maybe i will go to another country. other ministries in my life. maybe some day i might even like dark chocolate. but Brasil is where God has me now. and i believe that. i believe in this ministry and what God is doing. When you have that feeling…somehow the need to go out an experience everything else fades and loses its power over you.

there is something beautiful about that…being happy where you are. in other things, it is just a beautiful to have a hunger and drive to see and try all things new–to explore and discover and learn. oh! to learn the art of moderation. not of excess or of elimination.

where i am going:

www.clayhotel.com

hopefully. it says something about reservations…opps. come on now! isn’t that the point of hosteling? no resurvations?

don’t let me forget to bring safety-pins to Brasil.

and Bolo de rolo tastes better in Brasil. i think food is all about surroundings.