five apparently.

now you know.

reaching for the stars and dreaming of the moon really does get you places. not normally that high in the sky…but somewhere farther than you were before. My fifth grade sunday school teacher came over last week and was asking me lots of questions about my life…those questions that gets asked little enough that you always manage to be caught alittle off guard when they are. anyways, through them, i realized that what the heck…i am not going to have another opportunity in my life where i am going to have some time and a grant to take some internet classes. and if i only take two classes, that won’t be overdoing it…so i signed up. and found out that i do still get a small refund…enough to make me shake my head and say thank you Jesus. the only classes that looked interesting were not in education or human services at all…i’m taking Criminology and intro to Courts. sweet.

“There’s alot of pressure to stay in a brothel. Even those abducted against their will end up, in time, preferring to stay inside among their friends rather than face the hazards of living on their own outside…if they remain in the brothel, they know their children or their parents will have a life of only modest deprivation instead of utter destitution.” –”The New Friars”

i was talking to Sara about this. i mean, then how can you help them? the book goes on to say how they have ministries to do hair for the prostitutes…or pass out condoms. many people condemn it and say they are supporting the sex trade. so what do THOSE people intend on doing about it? going up to them, preaching on how prostitution is wrong, and then expecting the women to line up behind them and hail the preacher as their savior? no. they won’t leave. where they are might be hell, but it is safe and they can survive another day of it…which is more than can be said if they leave. But those who are reaching out to them–when God works in their heart–when they’ve reached the bottom…they will know where to go. Sara said it is the same in the ghetto here–the kids know we (the youth center) are there. so often there is so little we CAN do. until they are ready and come to us. they know the phone number.

it takes so long to earn the right to be heard. anywhere. it took well over a year at the youth center before i really had one good, deep friendship. two to three years to feel accepted. i’ve been in Brasil awhile and i now have a small circle of influence where i can speak and show God’s love in day to day life. SMALL. language, culture, and just plain earning trust…it takes so much time and work. i know if God calls me to serve somewhere else He will make a way…but going somewhere else looks very daunting. and i really believe in what God is doing in Brasil and the people there. sorta like marriage…where in my pessimistic moods it is really just about choosing what one person in the world you can put up with their poopyness issues for the rest of your life. i’ve been in Brasil long enough to see the good and the poopyness…and i love it. so i guess i am married to Brasil now. eh. After reading about one of the ministries in “The New Friars,” i realized that there are opportunities just like that WHERE I AM AT. am i simply looking for the sensational, new, and exciting–to not see what is before me? i want to go back to Brasil with eyes wide open to see what God sees and make opportunities to serve and be there…where the needs are.

Moved by God’s Spirit in this time called America to assemble at (irrelevant. wherever) we wish to acknowledge a movement of radical rebirth, grounded in God’s love and drawing on the rich tradition of Christian practices that have long formed disciples in the simple Way of Christ. This contemporary school for conversion which we have called a “new monasticism,” is producing a grassroots ecumenism and a prophetic witness within the North American church which is diverse in form, but characterized by the following marks:

1) Relocation to the abandoned places of Empire.

2) Sharing economic resources with fellow community members and the needy among us.

3) Hospitality to the stranger

4) Lament for racial divisions within the church and our communities
combined with the active pursuit of a just reconciliation.

5) Humble submission to Christ’s body, the church.

6) Intentional formation in the way of Christ and the rule of the
community along the lines of the old novitiate.

7) Nurturing common life among members of intentional community.

8) Support for celibate singles alongside monogamous married couples and their children.

9) Geographical proximity to community members who share a common rule of life.

10) Care for the plot of God’s earth given to us along with support of our local economies.

11) Peacemaking in the midst of violence and conflict resolution within communities along the lines of Matthew 18.

12) Commitment to a disciplined contemplative life.

May God give us grace by the power of the Holy Spirit to discern rules for living that will help us embody these marks in our local contexts as signs of Christ’s kingdom for the sake of God’s world.

i was reading this book on the big purple bus on the way home from camp and crying, hoping none of the kids would see me and laugh. because that is annoying.

it is about dwelling among them. being Christ incarnate to people. this was written by a girl who went to Bolivia, lived and worked with prostitutes, and then came back to the US:

“It’s such a convenient conversation. sure, it strikes me. i read the staggering numbers, attach the unfathomable data to a story just to make it personal, and the somatic injustice rises up in my throat or turns in my stomach or threatens to keep me from sleep. there’s a reminder again that things are not the way they’re supposed to be, that all is not quite right. i am bothered by a sense somewhere between restlessness and calling. so i write essays and maybe even checks and i think about writing a letter to my Senator. i read the book or pick up the latest New York Times Magazine. over a drink i discuss the theological, social, and economic roots and implications. i pride myself in being aware. i appease my social conscience, thinking that my conversations and benefit dinners are all contributing to some global solution. and maybe they are. God, i pray they are.

and i keep eating. i even end in dessert. i close the book, put a The End on the story, toss it aside, pull the sheets back and climb into bed. there’s not much more i can do, not tonight. and lucky for me, i don’t have to. i have the unfathomable luxury of walking away, of signing off, of saying good night. while my conversations are coming to a neat, concise close, she’s tucking her kids in, putting her shoes on and taking the rest off. the red glow of her night is on and she’s tossed from one set of dirty hands to another. there are rules in place, rules against going without protection, rules against sexual violence. but once the door is closed, the only rule is her desire. she only knows that tomorrow her kids will again be hungry, and this is the cost of her love for them. yes, it matters today. it matters tonight, because there are still six hours until morning. and while we can afford those six hours, she cannot. if all i have to offer her is conversation, awareness, words, then yes, i will give the rest of my life to the talk. but it’s not. it can’t be. it’s not all i have and it’s not enough.”

At the end of my time in Brasil (May) i was thinking alot…realistically. i want to work with the poor. to tell the truth, i am not really sure why. why do i want to work in the inner city in Indianapolis? why Brasil in the first place? i really have no good answers for any of this. just a desire. and that is enough. i love teaching at the international school. but i am hoping that as God provides more teachers, i can have more time to reach out in other ministries in the churches…working in the favelas (ghettos). but here comes common sense. common sense says i can’t do much. it says that yeah, i can teach English, but after that i am useless. it says that i should stay in the US, get a good job, live simply, and give…i could easily provide for 3 or 4 Brasilian workers who could do so much more than a bumbling American. and i believe that this is also a high calling for many people. but my heart isn’t in those words. somehow, i can’t just do that. even if it does make good sense. maybe it was never about common sense at all, but about following God’s call to stay and give or to go and give. my heart moved within me when this book talked about going and living with those that are rejected by the society around them. about being God incarnate–God showing through me to those people. God came to us, as we are. He lived it. i am compelled to go. what all that means…i have yet to find out.

“We often seek the “worthy” poor, those who are spotless saints and complete victims. and until we find that person, we walk by the “unworthy” poor and think, “You’ve got yourself into that mess so you can get yourself out.” i’m just glad God doesn’t put the yardstick next to me that i sometimes put next to others before deciding whether i’ll help. on the contrary, Jesus taught us to extend help not just to those who are good to us but even to our enemies and oppressors–people with serious issues. maybe that’s why our response to the needy is such an accurate measure of our faith. we ultimately extent to others the sort of grace we have experienced through Christ.”

get this…”Naming Christ in order that Christ may name me.”

the call of the book was specifically to people who feel lead to one of these new kind of friar communities, but the general call was:

* incarnation–tearing down the insulation and becoming real to those in trouble

*devotion–making intimacy with Christ our all-consuming passion

*community–intentionally creating interdependence with others

*mission–looking outside ourselves

*marginalization–being countercultural in a world that beckons us to assimilate at the cost of our conscience

there is so much more. sometime stirring deep in my heart. not all of it is ready to come out yet. i can’t wrap words around it. but i want it.

how i ended up with such a name…is all about unfortunate circumstances.

i had a good time at camp…doing alot of boat duty where i rescued a girl from certain death (involving a spider) and checked all the kayaks for the boys…who were afraid of spiders. then i found a spider that must be closely related to a taranchula and carried him around for awhile on my shoe, tormenting the aforesaid people who were afraid of spiders.

chapel

that game where you put the tubes in the middle and tell them to put their life on the line for a point of getting it across a certain line. and what is worse is that you do it. i have the bruises.

the mule. and the freeloaders.

hotdogs after the night swim. i put my bun on the stick instead and wondered aloud if the bread would burn. Sara heard my blond moment and said “Rachel, that is where they get toast.” meh.

my favorite picture of Erica. i enjoyed lunch and “i don’t think we’re gonna make it, Rachel” …i love ya, sweety.

coming home. Indashia is the one with her finger up her nose. Daisha is the one with the leopard socks. and then there is the big purple bus.

i just finished reading a book by Rob Bell (the Velvet Elvis guy). called…well, i will tell you what it is called after i give you the good quotes.

“We have to talk about everything we’re experiencing. repressing an stuffing and refusing to acknowledge never works…some of the most comforting words in the universe are “me too.” when you find out that your struggle is also someone else’ struggle, that you’re not alone, and that others have been down the same road.”

(recently, i sat and listened to a frustrated girl yell at me about a situation. i simply said “i agree. what they did was wrong.” and she stopped yelling and started breathing again. i was shocked to find out that was all she needed to hear. i started apologizing that i couldn’t fix or change the situation…and she stopped me and said i’d done enough. it didn’t matter that i hadn’t done anything…i’d understood and that suddenly made the whole thing bearable for her. if only the rest of life were that easy…)

“Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life…when we’re not at peace, when we aren’t content, when we aren’t in a good place, our radar gets turned on. we’re looking. searching. and we’re sensory creatures, so it won’t be long until something, or somebody, catches our attention…the idea creeps into our head and heart that we are lacking, that we are incomplete, that this craving in front of us is the answer.”

“Stealing (talking about the passage in Ephesians where it says not to–but to give instead) is the ultimate in being selfish. making something and giving it away is the ultimate in being generous. This passage is about something central to what it means to be human. it’s about desire. it’s about the thief finding something they’ll desire more than stealing.”

“Whatever it is that has it’s hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. it’s not about getting rid of desire. it’s about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires.”

“Agape doesn’t love somebody because they’re worthy. Agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. agape doesn’t love somebody because they’re beautiful. agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful.”

Have i ever loved like that?

“There is a love because, a love in order to, a love for the purpose of , and then there is love. period.” agape doesn’t need a reason.”

No, i haven’t loved like that. at least not for long extended periods of time.

“i have some friends who have been married over thirty years. i noticed that when the meeting was over and everybody was leaving the room, they were still seated, deep in conversation about something. he was smiling, she was leaning close to him as she spoke. it reminded me of a conversation i’d had with him recently in which he was telling me about a vacation they’d just taken and how the highlight for him was the conversations he had with his wife. It struck me as i walked out of the room: they’re still getting to know each other…still exploring just who this person is. they understand that people are highly complex beings and that the soul is infinitely deep. if you’re mingling your soul with another soul, and there is no end to the depth of both of your souls, this could take awhile.”

God i want this. i asked a friend if she knew anyone who’s relationship/marriage was something she wanted. she could name 1. i  can think of 4. but that is precious few. precious few. anyways, you can find all this in the book “Sex God.”

To all the men

who have lost their fathers

from time or death

from circumstances

from location

may God fill the empty void you feel

of something sacred being taken away

may you find a guide to lead you

and be quick to find those who are hurting too

to all the men

who have never known their fathers

from birth

from abandonment

from rejection or neglect

may God be all your father should have been

and fill with love the parts of you

you’ve never known because you didn’t have a father

to name them

to all the men

who are fathers

spiritually

physically

by choice or by accident

may God give you the words of life

to speak vision into your children

may you find humility to ask forgiveness and learn

from the mistakes you have made and will make

and may it never be too late to hold your child

to all the men

who will be fathers

tomorrow

next year

someday

may God speak your name and heal the broken pieces

may He give you a band of brothers to walk with

as you conquer the world and the unknown heart

to all the men

who have fathers

near you

celebrating

remembering

may God give you the words to show your gratefulness

may you let go of any bitterness and learn to see

the simple gift of presence

how does my brother think of these kind of questions? and why do i have to ask my mom for the answers?

David (in Brasil) got bit by a scorpion. apparently it is Sam’s brother. living in my English classroom. David had to get a shot. in the you-know-where. i really hope Sam doesn’t have any other brothers.

Anna has a boil. in her armpit. apparently, they’ve named it…irvington…or something.

The Grafica/Cafe is moving to the Alcance (where i live when i’m in Brasil) which means the two survival necessities are now accessible 24hours a day for me: internet and snack food.

Airsoft was great. i now know why guys like war and such stuff…you bond, have each other’s back, and feel a part of something big, without really having to speak in long sentences: “run!” “shoot!” “reload!” “charge!”

i don’t know which was better…wearing goggles to protect my eyes, or getting shot in the eye while having a drink break. guys don’t understand the word “break.”

The highlight of the evening was when we all got bored and started shooting fireflies. about 10 of us surrounded the innocent blinker, and never did manage to get him.

Capture the flag is MUCH better when you have a gun in your hand. Basically, it came down to who had the bigger gun. i had two pistols in my pockets and a half broken rifle. they didn’t shoot too far. they had automatics. funny to come up to people and start shooting, knowing full well that our guns couldn’t get close enough…or running kamikaze, hoping the gun is actually shooting something when you cock it and pull it on the fly.

I went to Mary Gillam’s funeral today. it was incredible. Pastor Tom said he always wanted two people praying for him when he had problems: his wife and his mother-in-law (Mary Gillam). i want to be a wife like that. i want to be a mother-in-law like that. being there really showed me…the gravity of life and choices and marriage–in the view of how it affects so many. how it raises up godly generations. how i live today matters.

“You are what you love, not what loves you.” –Charlie Kaufman

Did you know the Rose of Sharon is the hibiscus flower? learn something new every day.

L to R: Destiny, Victoria, Courtney, Tisha, and Elexis. Elexis asked Jesus to come into her life two weeks ago. i have these booklets…she is going through them so fast. and learning so much. the last conversation we talked about her fear of death.

i don’t even know all the names represented here…just know they are representin’

This is my man, Isaiah

this is our special spot, where i take the girls for our small groups and have devotional time and stuff. normally, we end up talking about everything and anything…until i do something like tell them God is like an egg (you explain the Trinity to 9 year old girls!).

John and i and the model plane we made. now we are working on a submarine.

The girls ruled airsoft…at least in taking home the biggest bruises…they kept telling me NOT to smile, that it doesn’t go with the guns…

good enough? thats Brandon. He once led a charge…with no ammo. sweet.

youth center…wha?wha? Part of Kenisha, Indashia, me, part of Jojo, and Sara

Chicago–the relaxing view

Japooosa…through rose colored glasses. grin.

Chicago–the realistic view from traffic. i took the picture while driving.

i saved up my money and got this perfume when i was 14. the first time i used it, it fell off the shelf and broke. yep, the first time. but it came with lotion. so i horded it and slowly used drops of this stuff until it got lost in my dresser. i took it to Brasil with me and finally…last month i gave it to Alyssa (there was still a surprising amount left). i came back and found a full bottle in my drawer. can’t remember ever buying it…and so i used it this morning. alot. slathered it on. because hording is a waste of time. God gives, but we have to let go to receive.

*

i walked by a beautiful thing of nature

but it seemed to drift away

until i wasn’t sure if i’d seen anything at all

and i whispered “show’s over”

and God whispered back “no, it is just beginning”

*

i love traveling. the world is full of God doing things and things being done and God things and things where God is and the people don’t even see Him yet.

*

I feel like i am actually going to church lately because i want to…instead of any other reason (habit, to look right, to not feel guilty, to see people…). God, purify my motives some more. “Singles groups” scared the heck out of me. and i sure as heck-sea-naw didn’t want to come back to the US and have to jump into one. but i sorta did anyways…and it isn’t what i thought and it isn’t like what you think of “singles groups” or “young adults.” but i did need fellowship. Vecinos has been God gently flooding through me. taking away prejudices and my walls–protection and security in rules and isolation. thanks God.

*

Tele called. we are getting a lawyer about the work visas (“we” being Jeff, Lindsay, and i that are all looking into getting the two year work visas, which seem to be the only way to get and stay in the country for longer than six months). After i get the paperwork (which is getting held up at Ivy Tech at the moment), it should only be 30 days to get the visa. after i heard that i was freaked for a good 30 minutes…feeling like a two year commitment just jumped on my back…commitments are scary. then i had another 30 minutes worrying about money. Then came surrender.

so no, i don’t know. possibly when i leave August 7 it is for two years, or until i can scrimp enough money to get a ticket to come home for Christmas. or it could be the planned on three months. either way, i’m good. happy. ready. then money…if God wants me to stay, then that will work out too. Last year God provided the money needed through Ivy Tech…where the scholarships i received paid for all of the expenses. I didn’t get the same scholarships this year. i guess He has a different plan. i am covered through November. After that there are big question marks. i don’t even know what a two year budget would look like. would it mean coming to the US and visiting churches? sending out letters? what if i am not in the country? and that empty feeling spreads up from my stomach…and then surrender.

*

Is anyone out there going to Cornerstone? www.cornerstonefestival.com i want a list of people to hang out with.