…because life does not wait for you.

i have written into the new day…Merry Christmas:)

John is snoring next to the christmas tree. when you sleep, time goes faster. when you sleep closer, it is warp speed.

in case you didn’t get my christmas letter…here she is:

Thanksgiving is the perfect day to write a Christmas letter. Decorated the Christmas tree, had some flurries…Let me turn on the heater, put on pink slippers, and find my receipts. I started working at Carson’s last week for the holidays (Working retail is my first job without the word “ministry” attached). It involves many interesting things like buying a parking space, wearing dress shoes, listening to all the versions of Little Drummer Boy, and wondering where the black turtlenecks are supposed to be stocked. When my feet get tired and smile gets old, I remember that they are paying in one hour what my friends (and most everyone else—minimum wage) in Brasil are being paid to work a whole day. In the moments when all the black turtlenecks are stocked, I write on empty receipts notes random things I want to remember.

The spring semester was stressful. If my psychology class is right, the 20s are when you figure out what works for you…jobs, relationships…and I think I have been doing that through a process of elimination. God provided all of the funds for me to come to Brasil…through the government. Yep, good ol’ Uncle Sam gave me a refund on my college classes—sizeable enough to cover a plane ticket and six months in Brasil. But in exchange, I was a full time student, while being a full time English teacher in Brasil. I felt like I spent all day in Brasil and all night in the US, either reading or studying or writing for my classes.

But changes come in different sizes, and mine was in a plane ticket. I came back to the US three months earlier than planned, with a summer free from school and teaching. I met three amazing friends—Irresistible Revolution, Velvet Elvis, and Blue Like Jazz. Call it a movement, a work, or whatever title you need to understand it, but God is alive and popping out of people…in individual ways that each one is called to and only that one can fulfill—and then as they find there place in community. During that time, I also had great moments with my family—teaching my brother how to ride a bike, house sitting with Anna, random talks with my mother, and celebrating my Dad’s 60^th birthday. I was also excited to be able to be home while my family got settled into a home church. A place where God is. I didn’t wear a watch or remember what day it was until it was time to go back.

When I returned to Brasil for the fall semester, something was different. There was a spot in the school where I fit, and it also fit me. I felt satisfaction that had not been there before. I had always been happy in Brasil, but this time I felt fulfilled. I went, hoping to get a student or work visa and perhaps stay for 2 years. Whereas in the past, this long term idea scared me, I was now expecting and ready for it—and so a little surprised to find I had a ticket back to the US, and no visa. It seems now that I have gotten over my commitment issues, the Brasilian government has not.

This was a lot to write on receipts during breaks at Carson’s. I still have to write out future things. Not that I know what to write. My ticket is for December 31^st. I hope to return home for my cousin’s wedding in May, this time, perhaps, with the illusive papers for my student visa. I am ready and waiting for the lights to go and stay in Brasil. It is my home.

I felt like God was saying to return to Brasil and keep my eyes open for new opportunities this year. New ministries that He had for me. I went to the dump and found only white birds. I went to the store and saw the only a beggar. I taught my kids and felt only satisfied. I went to the Living Stones project and saw the kids and only felt home. One of the church plants, Paudalho, has my heart. A big piece of that is named Dona Angela. She’s the mother of the church—us—me—and within such a large heart has suffered 5 heart surgeries. Please pray for her as she adjusts to a pacemaker.

I wanted to learn how to love this year, not just the smile and friendly “Have a nice day” I say to every customer. I think I have had to learn how to receive instead. I went to new places and met new people and heard new stories. I learned how to open my heart to new friendships and be blessed as well as bless. I learned how to let go and keep letting go but not wall up to make it all go away. alittle bit.

“There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this.—Don Miller

it is fun helping guys try to pick something out for their girlfriend/wife/mom…one guy was like…”oh yes, my mom is about your size” and then picked out an extra large. very flattering. but guys are always so happy with coupons, and i like making people happy. the manager said we could keep a coupon and use it for the people who didn’t get them. i have only seen one guy ever bring a coupon. i gave him kudos. i think his wife gave it to him.

women are not so happy. or surprised. many of them even get quite snoopy about it, looking around my register and saying “oh, i know there were coupons…” the only thing that really bothers me is the “But the nice lady who rang me up downstairs gave me a larger discount than this!” which is why she should just go right back downstairs.

they had me work downstairs once. all the diamonds and gold scared me. i messed up and gave the wrong change twice. besides, Susie wasn’t there. Susie and i got so bored one night at closing that she called my regester and complained about people making out in the store. then she read my Christmas letter and apologized for talking about such things. i wonder what i put in that Christmas letter…

i really like things like driving. ploping on the couch and putting on a DVD and eating frozen raspberries. those are some things i will miss. family is obvious…so don’t think i forgot to say it.

mom packed my lunch. she put it in a brown paper bag. i felt really specially carrying that brown paper bag to work. not that it is much different from the Red Lobster bag i normally use (except without handles), but…it just means that someone loves me. enough to do mundane stuff like pack my lunch in a brown paper bag.

i tried Sudoku. not my thing

i found a lady’s purse and put it in customer service. she came back and gave me a twenty. i was in the holiday spirit very fast after that.

i want to live. let go. me/backpack/grand canyon. or something. i always think about it. always want it–dipped my toes in alittle…but not really. maybe i don’t really want it, i just want to know i am not scared to try. because i am afraid i am.

SIMPLIFY

i want to simplify this year. mostly…shed these fears that flood my face every time something changes or is unexpected.

Safe? no it isn’t safe. now that we know that, can we move on?

…right?

The law of retail: things go from folded to unfolded. i swear, people come in and mess up the sweaters on purpose. i’ve almost caught them at it.

so i crossed the two week line. A VERY BIG REAL line in my head. where i start hiding from the lunchroom and socialization. not really possible to do around Christmas…but…it is like when i know i am leaving the country…why try to start new relationships? why get hurt? ehhhhhhh.

something big always happens at the two week line. at least in my mind. i lose it. i re-evaluate my life. i wonder how much it will cost to change/cancel/modify my tickets. i ponder the point to life and realize i still don’t know what the heck i am doing about anything.

i hung out with some of my kids from the youth center. i wonder what my kids will be when they grow up?

answer: they won’t be my kids anymore

i hate life.

the pastor asked something really interesting at church…what was the worst thing you have ever done?

what was the worst thing ever done to you?

Jesus died for them both.

met another Brasilan. Marta is from Brasilia. she said i could come visit her anytime. for free.

No wonder Darlene can fold clothes perfectly. no wrinkles. she makes my folding look…non-folded. She was in the air force. flight mechanic. this is my competition at work. not really. i have just made sure to make sure she is on my side. Yolanda and Susie are my favorites. the store keeps opening at 6:00am. no one comes. why would they? they even passed out free chocolate bars and coupons. still no people.

Joyce came up to me and grabbed my arm, “You are so lucky Rachel!” I was very confused by this. but she continued: “All these ladies here shopping…they are so sad compared to you.” i am so lucky.

i stared at my check–the largest check i have ever gotten in my life…but…it wasn’t worth two weeks of my life. i think…this may be my one and only time in retail.

recept poem:
the irony of the unexpected
the beauty of surprise
keeps me on my toes
i cannot assume
the natural
i will not control
the outcome
and nothing i could do
no precaution i could take
will change
that i just
don’t know
**

our church has boxing lessons. how amazing is that. i think i am the first girl to show up in a long time. they were very nice about it. got to hang out with Erica and Indashia. Kristen came and saw me at work and bought me a smoothy. yumm. i really like this “being in the mall and meeting people” thing. i have seen lots of random people. the Youth Center was there for an activity yesterday. that was cool…i miss them. Went to Peoria to see my best friend. just what i needed. rolled the door over my thumb while i closed up at work yesterday. it is pink and green.
my verse for the year. and it has a huge long story about it too…but you don’t need that now. “For now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face: now i know in part; but then i shall know even as i also am known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

i didn’t have to work this Sunday. church is nice. i think one of my favorite parts about this church is that i feel free enough to whisper during it. but i don’t tooo often, because mom doesn’t like it much. quote from the service: “Heroes are not measured by the weight of their armor, but by the size of the giants they decapitate.” personally, i like any church where the pastor says words like “decapitate.”

skills learned from working retail:
clock watching
counting hours
counting pennies
folding clothes
refolding clothes
savoring  15 minute breaks
wanting nothing more in life than to sit down and stare into space
planning lunch breaks
knowing the difference between the black turtle neck and the black turtle neck
pretending like i know what i am doing
saying “oh no, it does not make you look fat”
lip singing to Christmas songs
more to come…

Red lights on my way to work

they know they are cute

My sister, Erica

We have it! a winner! the official Winzeler family picture for 2007: