February 11, 2008

• Life is like the dump

  i wanted to go for a long time
  i wanted my heart to be broken
  i saw how it affected others
  and i wanted that for myself

  but i was afraid at the same time
  because i don’t like to see hard things
  dirty things
  things i cannot change or control

  and once i see it
  i am responsible for what i see
  i can never go back to not knowing

  drove to the dump
  flies. flies. flies
  stopped and i wondered
  if this was it

  i felt nothing
  slightly annoyed by flies
  slightly sick from the smell–
  but there was wind

  and i saw them
  the birds
  royal, white, elegant birds
  walking in the trash
  their slender legs picking the steps
  their wings lifting them softly above

  and i couldn’t hate the dump
  i couldn’t look down on it
  there was still beauty
  there was still wind
  and the same blue sky

  And it made me mad

  i wanted to go to the dump
  to be shocked and horrified
  write lots of touching things
  and feel happy with my sucess

  i wanted the bad things to be bad
  dirty things to be dirty
  and hard things to be hard

  because then maybe the opposite was true:
  the good things are good
  beautiful things are beautiful
  and simple things are simple

  because that is how i want it to be
  and i feel disallusioned and empty
  when i realize
  it is not as simple as i thought
  and those beautiful things
  are not so beautiful all the way through
  and the good things…

  and i turn my back and say
  i hate it all
  it is all horrible
  and i’ll just close my eyes until it is all over

  my eyes open without my willing them
  and i see the sunshine
  i see someone giving love
  sacrificing themselves
  fresh wind
  and pure, white birds

  and it makes me mad

  because i wanted to throw it all away
  and i can’t
  because there is something beautiful still happening
  and God is still here

  then He does something more
  whispers hope to me
  presses love into my closed heart
  and i cannot fight against it

  and the dump
  might not be what i thought it was
  and life
  might not be what i think it is

  good and bad
  dirty and beautiful
  hard and simple
  mixed and multiplied

  but this is where i am
  this is the day i am living
  this is my God who is ruling
  and i will rejoice and be glad in it

  • 6:44 pm
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