Month: May 2008

  • New book, new thoughts…

    …so new weblog entry.

     

    “So many of us have abdicated our passions for obligations, as if passion is a luxury for the young, and we must all grow up one day. We, even if reluctantly, fall into place to live a life of conformity that we describe as “maturity.” we’ve made acting like an adult synonymous with living apathetic lives.”

    “Opportunity and freedom are not the same thing. His freedom to play the full spectrum of music, to passionately express the music within his(speaking of a famous pianist) soul, was only available to him as a result of years and years of discipline. discipline can be confused with conformity. many times we run from discipline or at least resist it because we feel we are being forced to conform in the most negative sence of the word. yet the irony is that when we forsake discipline in our attempt to avoid conformity, we lose our potential to be truly free.”

    “Our claim that we are committed to being authentic can actually be a facade for self-indulgence. if we are not careful, authentic can be the new word for arrogance. as long as your’re true to yourself–say what you mean–just get it out–how can anyone fault you in any way? this perspective frees us from any concern for the feelings of others. Authenticity can establish a self-righteousness that justified abuse. is it really ok to do something because you want to, to say something because you feel it?”

    “Absolute power does not corrupt; it reveals.”

    “The real measure of our power is the freedom and opportunity we create for others. men and women who are marked by integrity point the way to freedom. leaders of integrity don’t simply lead by example, they lead by essence. these leaders call others only to choice the life they have already chosen. they don’t point the way down a certain path, the pave the way where no path exists. They inspire others not only by their words and actions, but by the promise of the kind of people we can become.”

    “i reminded him that some people lived in the kinds of conditions where survival was a daily struggle. others, at their best, could barely hope to pay the bills. those who have the privilege of a healthy upbringing and a great education have to embrace more responsibility than simply paying their bills. if it were within his reach to produce great wealth, to create jobs for the unemployed, to provide income so that meals could be put on a table, if he had been entrusted by God with the skills and capacity to improve the quality of life for hundreds, if not thousands, it would be sin for him to do anything less.”

    “There is so much talk about potential in our culture, as if  it’s the end-all of success. has anyone ever said about you, “he has so much potential?” if you are under 20–lets give you 25-consider it a complement. potential–the hind of greatness not yet developed. Potential–your untapped or unlocked capacity. and then you are 30, and you still have all this potential. pressing 40, and you’re still full of potential. if you are 45 and someone looks at you and says, “you have so much potential”, pause, excuse yourself, step into a closet, and have a good cry.”

    Erwin McManus, ”Uprising” 

  • i lost my purse in San Fransisco

    well, actually, it was Aunt Carol. 20 minutes after leaving it on a
    bus–trolly-er–street car , it was discovered missing and the
    following havoc ensued. Uncle Loren simultaneously called the bus
    systems while hauling a cab to which us three ladies numbly scooted
    into. our disoriented cab driver drove us around the night lights of
    San Fran, while Uncle Loren flagged down three number 30 buses, the
    third one telling us that it had been turned in–the purse was at the
    bus station. so we jumped to it–literally-the cabby got air on those
    vertical hills, and we made it there to stumble out and have the man
    tell us that Lost and Found was closed. knowing it had been found was
    one sigh of relief, but only long enough to start praying that there
    was still something in the purse. can’t stop asking for more, can we?
    But we turned the corner, the guy unlocked the door for us, and a sweet
    voice called out “oh, she’s here?” they stayed open long enough for us
    to arrive. The bus driver had brought the purse in. complete. said a
    lady had given it to him. of all the stories you hear of big cities, of
    dark nights…a few honest people remain. and maybe we met them all and
    that is the end of the story. and maybe i didn’t lose my heart in San
    Fransisco.

    “Jesus was not afraid to forgive the prostitute. He was also not afraid to tell her to go and sin no more.”

    wow.

    PROJECTOR. almost forgot about that. anybody know of a cheap PROJECTOR i could buy? or small odd jobs i could do to make money to buy a PROJECTOR before i leave for Brasil? if you don’t remember…this PROJECTOR project is my idea, service thing i want to do at my church in Paudalho. To be able to project the songs we are singing, maybe even some sermons, if the pastor wants to type it out in Portuguese. Because right now i am fumbling through the songs, and i know the visitors, or newer members of the church are too. so how pricey are those PROJECTORS anyways?


  • After Disneyland we hit the road, up the coast. stayed at Solvang


    Saw the Hearst Castle…with the fog (lotsa fog around there. beautiful stuff)


    Seals molting


    the beautiful beach…that was cold! it was warmer in Indiana when we got back than in California!


    Chinatown, San Fransisco


    San Fransisco


    only for those who love Chocolate


    The Golden Gate was red


    you can’t really…present yosemite well…


    the biggest trees in the world. pretty ones, too


    Hollywood is Cary Grant


    or Gregory Peck


    Part of the Berlin wall. Anna was like “You can’t smile with something like that” so…


    Farewell kiss to Hollywood


    with a cherry on top

    *thank you Uncle Loren and Aunt Carol! it was an amazing trip!

  • the trip, first part

    so i add pictures…just in case you were not for sure that i am a lucky duck.
    CALIFORNIA


    Mr.Toad’s Wild Ride


    And now a note from the ones who made this possible–my wonderful Uncle Loren and Aunt Carol!


    you always have “Get out of Jail Free” passes at Disneyland, except for Anna’s harmonica playing


    ALWAYS kiss the mouse. always


    awww. just teasing about the harmonica playing. she really did purty good

  • desperation

    so now i am at a computer that has fast internet. and can post pictures. yeah.


    i miss you guys


    chopped the hair off.


    took Johnny and my boys to the zoo


    Carina and i–with maracuja juice in the middle. we had ourselves a picnic

  • have gotten to hang out with an exceptionally large amount of people lately. nice. this “social” stuff might just be a good thing. maybe.

    got this weird letter in the mail. you know how the post office sometimes messes up mail? then they send the fragments to your house in an “apology” envelope? well, i got back this half an envelope, where it just has my name and address and a stamp from Isreal. you can tell it is foreign. on the back it says a PO Box number, and nothing else. the bottom half, and the letter is ripped off. yep. so…they thought i was a terrorist. and stole my letter, whatever it was. but whatever was it? i don’t know anyone in Isreal…

    it does make like interesting.

    got to teach a Bible study at the youth center. just like old times. yep. even down to the only having ten minutes part. some things are strangely comforting in how they never change.

    Goin to CALIFORNIA tomorrow. just alittle happy. as i write with near frozen fingers and toes. just alittle.

    read a book. one of many million i have gotten out of the (oh i love the) library.

    “Our dreams are where God paints a picture of a life waiting to be created…The life that is most powerfully lived is the one that finds passionate urgency fueled by a sense of destiny. We must become. This is both something we need and something we long for…In the worst of us there’s still a desire that aspires to be the best of us. We are designed to trust, to gain trust, and to aspire to be trustworthy. Because God is true, our souls will never find rest until we are also.

     

    (Background: so the guy’s two year old son kept climbing up the steps and didn’t know how to get down. One time he caught him half way up and told him to get down. Instead, the boy reached out his hands and said “carry me.”) I knew I needed to stand firm, so I repeated, “No, you get down.” Then it happened. I never would have expected it. He jumped. He jumped right to me. Even when I refused to carry him, he somehow concluded that I would catch him. All I did was act on instinct. When he jumped, I reached out my arms and caught him. The truth is, he knew very little about the world around him. In fact, he knew very little about me. Clearly though, he knew more than I thought. He knew if he jumped, I would catch him. He was afraid to even attempt to climb down but was more than confident to jump off. He had more confidence in me than he did in himself.

     

    (years later, his son admitted to doubting God, and he asked him what was he going to do about questioning God: )”well, I’ve met God, so what can I do?”

     

    Some people who do not believe in God are consistent and don’t believe in love either. In fact, my nonscientific research has found a direct correlation between losing faith in love and losing faith in God. You cannot prove God or love. The only evidence is secondary. Yet when you love someone, you are more certain of that than of almost anything else. Love reminds us that there is a knowing beyond reason. We are born to love. You can beat the love out of a person, but it’s impossible, of course, to beat it into someone. Just like faith, love is intrinsic. It’s not taught or transferred—it just is. You can’t make a person love you. Heaven knows, a lot of us have tried. There might be nothing more painful than loving someone who doesn’t love you in return. For love to exist it doesn’t even require reciprocation.

     

    When I was just a small child, I believed in God, in love, and in laughter—and then I didn’t. I think love went first, then laughter. Then since God couldn’t help me with the first two, I went ahead and threw him out with everything else you need to get rid of when you are no longer a child…My soul doesn’t crave something from God; my soul craves God. That’s why everything else will leave you unsatisfied in the end. But don’t let this frustrate you; just let it fuel you. All the evidence you need to prove God is waiting within you to be discovered.” –Erwin Raphael McManus, Soul Cravings

     

    “Are you a coward? This is not for you. We badly need a brave man. He must be 23 to 25 years old, in perfect health, at least six feet tall, weight about 190 pounds, fluent in English with some French, proficient with all weapons, some knowledge of engineering and mathematics. Essential, willing to travel, no family or emotional ties, indomitably courageous, and handsome in face and figure. Permanent employment, very high pay, glorious adventure, great danger. You must apply in person, 17 rue Dante, Nice 2me etage, appt.D.” –From Robert A. Heinlein’s Glory Road

      

    “Anyway, I keep picturing all those little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around—nobody big, I mean—except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff—I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be.” –J.D.Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

     

    “As he walks through the decayed house, his eyes are expressionless. “And my story ends there. But in fact it ended a long time ago, with Claudia’s ashes in that theater. My love died with her. I never really changed after that. What became of Lestat I have no idea. I go on, night after night. I feed on those who cross my path. But all my passion went with her yellow hair. I am a spirit with preternatural flesh. Detached. Unchangeable. Empty.” –Anne Rice, Interview with the Vampire

  • Went to the zoo with John and his two buddies, Seth and Petey. Got to listen to their interesting conversations like “my seatbelt doesn’t work.”

    “because It doesn’t like you.”

     

    “what does a shark feel like?”

    “like a shark.”

     

    Since it was rainy, we managed to go through the zoo, Chuck eeeeee Cheese and a movie by 3:30pm. And my socks were wet the whole time. I hate wet socks. And I hate all this rain.

     

    When I was leaving Brasil we drove by Paudalho. I imagined myself there, walking down the cobblestone street as an old lady with a walker. Why would I have this dream if it is not to be?

     

    WORDS FROM AN EXCITED SMILE: Anna and i are going to California May 16th. yessssss.

  • Why do I feel so frustrated with my relationships? All of them. And it isn’t them…it is me…I feel like I either don’t have enough time or am not communicating well—getting through what I want to get through…I am either saying too much and running around in circles or not saying enough. Maybe I just need a couple right words, but to get to them, I must pass through long awkward silences. Or something. I don’t like long awkward silences. Maybe it is just the frustration of switching from country to country back. I don’t know. Maybe it is just me and I am imagining everything. That could be true too. But it sure is something. And I need my bike back Anna. Bike riding is therapy.

     

    I get frustrated so quickly. Emotion rushes and takes over me and I cannot see straight. Can’t feel right. Can’t calm down. Rest. So what is this rest stuff about anyways, God? Anna says people wait around for so much, and waiting is just laziness. I agree. About half the time. But the other half of the time, if you don’t learn how to wait, so screw up stuff really badly. So I guess it is all about the wisdom to know when waiting is laziness and when waiting is the right thing and trusting in You. I feel like I am pushing. Trying to make things happen.

     

    Do I miss Brasil? No, because I am happy to be here now. Because this is my time to prepare to be in Brasil. And the time is passing quickly. And I am going back. And I wonder if I have left there to return home, or if I have left home to go back.

     

    I feel like I have got NOW and only now—one chance to get all I want in Brasil for the next two years. I want to do it just right. I want to get all the right things. Presents, plans, books…I look around and everywhere I go I see opportunities…things I want to bless my friends in Brasil with. Things I want to show them. And I get bitter sometimes because there is so much. And I cannot bring it all. I cannot explain it all. I can’t anything.

  • you were going to get pictures…but that was before SLOOOOOW internet…

    I miss

    riding on the back of a moto

    the burning sun on my back

    the wind

    Portuguese

    Kombes

    the silence of living alone

    walking into Aninha’s door and getting a hug

    living out of a backpack every weekend

    rice and beans

    drinkable yogert

    hugs from my kids and how they always manage to step on my toes

    sleeping with just a sheet

    the view from my balcony

    the bamboo

    being responsible for teaching

    making up stories about Jake, my blackboard marker

    loud music while I am in the shower

    the sun shining in my shower window

    hearing Patricia’s dreams

    the river in Paudalho

    my banana morning snack

    late night movies

    getting smacked in the head in the middle of the night

    the “but…” that follows in conversations

    making Mexican pizza.

     

    I love

    Anna’s job

    Meeting her old men

    The pass to the zoo—anytime, free

    My new haircut

    Hanging out with Erica and the youth center

    Driving

    Driving some more

    The library

    Sleeping in forts made by my little brother

    Watching movies as a family, under a down blanket

    Raspberries

    Tortilla shells

    How water

    Taking a bath

    A dryer

    Church in English

    Used stores with 50% off coupons

    Sappy movies

    Working out and sore arms

    Grocery shopping for mom

    Nice bank tellers that give bottled water to thirsty customers

    Tax refund checks

    Making egg rolls

    Jane Austin

    Picnics with Carina

    Mothers day with my mother

  • We take so much for granted. I take so much for granted. The dryer broke in Brasil. Dryer, singular. You don’t see very many dryers in Brasil. But the washing machine is holding out, so I was happy. It was inconvinent on rainy days, to have half smelly clothes laying around my room, trying to dry out with a fan…but we made due. I went to Aninha’s house and helped her with their laundry. Because they do not have a washing matching. Most people don’t. And after working all week, washing laundry takes up most of your Saturday. It is a pain. Here in the US washing clothes is an afterthought, something you throw in and pass to the next machine. You don’t have to worry about birds pooping on your sheets. It made me re-evaluate my dreams.

     

    My little daydreams are so very…American. The little white house…or big white house, since I figure ten kids would be nice. But houses are not normally white in Brasil, not made of wood, no picket fences, no grass…and 10 kids with no dryer presents a problem. And with the reality that I might not have a washing machine either (they don’t have laundramats either), 10 kids is looking…like a lot. And transportation. Most people I know do not own cars. Let alone 15 passenger vans. There are no 15 passenger vans. You squish them in kombes. getting around with 10 kids would be a little different in Brasil. Most kids don’t even use car seats. Ever. At least food would be do-able—lots of fruit trees and a pot of rice and beans…

     

    And I wonder if all of my ideas of life are doomed to be smashed to pieces at some time or another.

     

    And then I pick up a magazine and read about the water situation in Asia, Africa…where they spend all day getting water. That is their job. Bringing home water. They have had water shortages a couple times in Brasil. Where suddenly there just wasn’t anymore water coming out of the faucet. It is freaky. I was like “They can do that?” apparently, they can. And life is horrid. You can’t take a shower and suddenly, you feel all dirty and scratchy and like you MUST take a shower. You cannot flush the toilet. You cannot wash your hands. You cannot wash the dishes—you let them pile up. And you don’t feel like leaving the house because you feel grimy. Then you make yourself a snack and feel grimier and leave a mess…you just don’t feel like doing anything except sit in front of the faucet and see if the water has come back yet. Imagine that being your life. Now imagine that with 10 kids. And life…suddenly looks a lot different.

     

    Sometimes I feel like missionaries are salesmen. And I have to sell my desire…my idea, my dream, what I want to do. I have to say why it is worth them investing in. I have to prove the point that it is worth it. I have to make people see it and understand it and believe in it and support it. But it is all so scary because it is such a sacred place in me…and I have to have it out in front of me where anyone can reject it. Anyone can dispise and laugh at it. Or worse, anyone can ignore it.

     

    “For God speaketh once, yea twice, yet man percieveth it not. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed, He openeth the ears of men and sealeth their instruction.” Job 33: 14-16

     

    The book of Job is rather amazing. Full of questions and contradictions. It reminds me of life. A lot of my life lately. Not the suffering part…that is really only the first chapter or two. No, all the discussion and wonderings part that goes from chapter 3 and on and on. Job has no answers. What is different about him from everyone else? He refuses to give into simple explainations—he holds on to both ends of the contradicting facts and says—It might tear me apart—but I ain’t letting go.

     

    So I am in the US of A. my trip here was good, I spent all day in Sao Paulo, so I figured I would do some sightseeing. Sightseeing turned out to cost a lot of money, so I went to the mall and people watched instead. People in Sao Paulo are about the same as everywhere else. But I felt really small on the bus. Sao Paulo is the 4th largest city in the world. Right after NYC. And you cannot just stop a couple places and see a couple things and say you know a city. It is alive and real. Moving so fast around you. The buildings just go on and on.

     

    I brought back a live bug. Found him in my trunk after arriving home. Opps. I also forgot to take the juice out of my bag, but it went through all that security just fine. Which makes me wonder if those detectors really do their job, if I can get a whole quart of liquid through without anyone noticing. Isn’t that how they make bombs?