May 11, 2008

• Why do I feel so frustrated with my relationships? All of them. And it isn’t them…it is me…I feel like I either don’t have enough time or am not communicating well—getting through what I want to get through…I am either saying too much and running around in circles or not saying enough. Maybe I just need a couple right words, but to get to them, I must pass through long awkward silences. Or something. I don’t like long awkward silences. Maybe it is just the frustration of switching from country to country back. I don’t know. Maybe it is just me and I am imagining everything. That could be true too. But it sure is something. And I need my bike back Anna. Bike riding is therapy.

   

  I get frustrated so quickly. Emotion rushes and takes over me and I cannot see straight. Can’t feel right. Can’t calm down. Rest. So what is this rest stuff about anyways, God? Anna says people wait around for so much, and waiting is just laziness. I agree. About half the time. But the other half of the time, if you don’t learn how to wait, so screw up stuff really badly. So I guess it is all about the wisdom to know when waiting is laziness and when waiting is the right thing and trusting in You. I feel like I am pushing. Trying to make things happen.

   

  Do I miss Brasil? No, because I am happy to be here now. Because this is my time to prepare to be in Brasil. And the time is passing quickly. And I am going back. And I wonder if I have left there to return home, or if I have left home to go back.

   

  I feel like I have got NOW and only now—one chance to get all I want in Brasil for the next two years. I want to do it just right. I want to get all the right things. Presents, plans, books…I look around and everywhere I go I see opportunities…things I want to bless my friends in Brasil with. Things I want to show them. And I get bitter sometimes because there is so much. And I cannot bring it all. I cannot explain it all. I can’t anything.

  • 5:31 pm
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