June 3, 2008
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Do you know what i really want to do? hide in this bathroom. curl my feet up so no one can see that i am here, like i used to do when i was seven and we played hide and seek at church with the boys. they couldn’t come in the girls restroom, but they would open the door and peek. we would hold our breath until the door squeaked closed again. but no boys are chasing me here now. just reality. thoughts and wonderings about the future. i am holding my breath and waiting for the door to squeak shut again. but it isn’t, and my heart keeps pounding.
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i wonder if there will ever be one moment that i feel like my life will fall into place. i wanted to look at that lady and hear her say “yes, you will recieve your visa in 10 days.” i wanted to know by her voice that everything would be fine and i would have a wonderful life in Brasil and…
i am missing an official seal on one of my documents. that i can only do in Indianapolis. so a trip to Chicago for nothing. but everything else is complete…so i can mail it in…which means another 2 or 3 weeks of waiting. but it should be fine. it should. why doesn’t my stomach believe it? why can’t i just live…as it comes? accepting the fact that i am never going to hear a voice say “yes, your life is in order.” and that be the end of it (ok. well. death. but whatever). every decision is only the beginning of another road.
just like some people think getting married is the end of it. no more guesswork. what? whatever! went to my cousin’s wedding last weekend, and getting married is anything but the end of anything–the end of being single is completely eclipsed by the beginning of being together. clean slate. when i get my visa it is the same deal. the lady said 4 years. i should get the 4 year visa. looking at the words “4 years” on paper makes me want to run away and hide. cut out to some big city far away where no one knows me. no expectations. no one to know. will i always have that tug–against all i know i REALLY want but freaks the heck out of me?
Comments (1)
True . . . sometimes, you just wanna know. It’s the uncertainty that really gets me. lol.
4 years . . . wow . . . that’s a long time!