i went to the girl’s house today. i was shaking pretty bad. her mother scares me. but she came outside and said “hello ms.Rachel” and i felt much better. it is really nice to be called “ms.Rachel,” especially by someone who scares you.

She said she knew i had stopped by and left my phone number. she said she respected me, and i could come and talk to her daughter any time i wanted. but her daughter was not going to have that baby. her daughter was not going to have everyone talking about her like that. and there i broke down. i really have no tricks in the book. the tears just come every time. i told her that i knew it would be so hard to carry this baby, but please…i told her that an abortion would have lasting consequences that the girl would have to deal with for the rest of her life. that it was dangerous for her daughter’s health too. and the tears just kept getting in the way…i am not sure what all i said.

“no, no, no. ms.Rachel, you can talk and beg here all day, but my daughter is not having that baby.”

she turned to go in and i told her that something had happened to me. personally. that i wanted that baby. that something in me just…yearned…i don’t know…please. that baby was precious. but no. she said nothing was going to change that.

i don’t know. i don’t want to give up. please pray for this mother and her daughter…and the baby. i am going to Crisis pregnancy and getting some information, and going to talk with the girl on Monday. it would take a miracle–God doing a miracle in this girl and in her mother. a mountain full of miracles.

i felt it while i was there…felt it strong. it is not just about this baby. there are a million and one things flying around in the air and just…a whole completely messed up mindset.

and i am scared. i am scared to love. and i already do, it was sorta a jump in head first kind of thing. and i am scared that i jumped in, just to have this baby killed. and i know it is not about protecting myself. and that it takes all of me to try at this, and i am going to give all i have.

i feel like…this is the first non-selfish thing i have done in my life. and it feels good. it feels right.

thank you so much for your prayers. i have never had so much response and encouragement from anything before. so much love poured out. it is beautiful.

God is good.

I read in a book once that you should not say you are
pro-life until you are willing to go up to unmarried women thinking about
abortion and offer to adopt their child. Until then, it is just a stance on
paper.

I urgently need your prayers. Prayer power, protection, and
all of that. Please stop and read this through.

I got word yesterday that one of the girls at the youth
center is pregnant, and going to have an abortion. I went to her house today.
She said the abortion is not her choice, her mom is making her. She is 15. she
starts school in a couple weeks. She is getting the abortion next week. 

As I drove to her house I had been hit by an unexpected
thought: “Would you be willing to give up Brasil for this baby?”

I started crying as I told her there was no easy answer for
her. It would be so hard to go to school being pregnant, get fat and all, and
have a baby. But it would be even harder to know that she had killed that baby.
I didn’t want to say that. I didn’t want to make this emotionally harder than I
knew it would already be on her. But I had to keep speaking. As soon as the
words came out, I knew they were the right ones, and I knew I would never take
them back. I told her that I didn’t want her to believe that that was her only
option. And that I would be there. I would pay for the medical bills, and I would
adopt the baby. Because God has something special for this baby and the baby
needs a chance to live. 

She cried too. I told her I would talk to her mom, but she
didn’t seem excited about that. So I wrote down my phone number and left. It
was sort of awkward. Not romantic or heroic or anything. The TV was blaring the
whole time.

I need to go and talk to her mom. Please pray as I try to
tomorrow. After I said those words, that I would adopt the baby, something
happened. Suddenly it wasn’t just the baby. It became my baby. I love it
already. Really weird. I know. Even though I cry and get all jumpy at the idea
of being a mother. Of having responsibility. Of being tied down.
 

1. Pray
   for this baby, its mama, and its grandma. That they would not go through
   with the abortion. That this baby would live. That my baby would live.
2. Pray
   for me. My tickets are for August 6 to go to Brasil. I should know by then
   if she is going to have an abortion or not. If there is any hope that she
   might keep this baby, I cannot/will not go. If she does take me up on it,
   then I don’t anything about the future yet. Or Brasil.
3. Pray
   for Anna. When she said I could write about their engagement on xanga, she
   didn’t know I meant now. And I didn’t know she wouldn’t have a chance to
   personally tell those close to her. So big opps on my side, and please
   pretend ignorance when she does let you know about her big news.  Right now, she is also praying about
   WHEN, so please pray for wisdom on that.
4. Pray
   for Brasil, and the ministry there. They need teachers, very badly.
   Especially if this one isn’t going. 

This whole day has been up in the air already. Anna has
talked about wanting to get married in November. I, of course, will be here for
the wedding. But I was not planning on returning to the US until the
end of 2009. My savings consists of enough money for an emergency ticket to and
from Brasil, so that is what I figured on happening.

But it also makes sense to then look into waiting and going
after the wedding. I wouldn’t be able to finish the semester in Brasil,
teaching, or going to college there. There are other things that have fallen
into place as well. If I stayed until a November wedding, I could help plan the
wedding. I only have one sister, and she only marries once (right?) I could
also go to college here (taking classes packed into 8 weeks). I just got a
letter in the mail saying I received the federal grant, as well as a state
scholarship, meaning that after classes, I would receive a refund of around
$2000. (Don’t ask me how that works, but it does, since I am going to a
community college). I also was offered a job at the youth center part time.
Plus I would be saving the money I would have spent on a ticket. That adds up
to quite a lot of money saved. 

But this is not about saving money. I don’t want to stay
because it seems like the COMMON SENSE thing to do. And I don’t want to go just
because I feel the RESPONSIBILITY and GUILT if I don’t. I want to go because I
know it is where God wants me. I want to stay because I know it is where God
wants me. I want to do the right thing, but both things look right and are good
and…those seem to be the ones that are the trickiest.

And I don’t want Anna feeling like she has to make a
decision, or be squeezed into something. And I don’t know anything about this
baby and its mother. And I really love Brasil. 

I have this feeling that this week is going to change my
life. Not just the decision to stay or the decision to go—but those choices
will then lead to other choices that will dictate the rest of my life. I
know—more than anything—that I am at the right place. That God has taken me to
this point. I just don’t know where it goes from here.

<< Job 23:10 >>

---

New American Standard Bible (©1995)
“But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
[I can't find him] because he knows the road I take. When he tests me, I’ll come out as pure as gold.

King James Bible
But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Young’s Literal Translation
For He hath known the way with me, He hath tried me — as gold I go forth

so yeah. i can’t remember a time in my life like this…where i was so sure of God leading me, and yet still so lost. i can see Him so clearly in each day and each thing that has been happening.

you know that number the post office said i didn’t have and so it was my fault the visa didn’t come? turns out i did have that number all along. it just hadn’t been sent because the visa lady lied. and while i might be mad at that, holding the blue shiny visa/passport in my hands completely drained all frustration of the past couple weeks right outta me.

and getting to spend time with my brother, sleeping outside. going swimming. going to the county fair. time with my parents. walking around Chicago with my sister. looking at bridal magazines and laughing at the dresses. sobering up because soon she’ll be in a dress.

just living life. still with blank days before me. what a trip.

just the girls

hanging out with Jackie again

and i got to go to the county fair after all

and i tried to fly

but i am still here

but Chicago was great

and i needed to keep someone out of trouble

and eat a duck egg thingy in Chinatown

and see the big silver bean

and be lost in the crowd

don’t worry. they said i could.

Anna and Donovan

are

Engaged.

we were in the car too long.

i drove my car. a lot.

while Erica took pictures.

had a family vacation, where strange and unusual things happen:

and somewhere along the way, my brother turned into a photographer–check it–

yeah. you know how the deal works. i forget to post pictures for a long time, and then throw them all at you in a bunch. yep. and yet again.
backtrack to Cornerstone.

and i met this cool girl named Rachel. we had a lot in common.

spent time with Karianne

and her other halves

met up with Mary, who i hadn’t seen since NYC 2003, and her really cool offspring

i went to Chicago.
showed up at the Brasilian consulate and asked about my visa. they said “oh, if you talked to someone, then it is already sent.” but i told them about the e-mail i had gotten, saying it was still being processed, and she clicked my name into the computer. but she couldn’t find anything. so she asked another lady about it, who promptly opened some random drawer and found my stuff. all of it. that made me happy. it was NOT lost.

they asked me to wait 5 minutes. then called me up and said “there was a discrepency on the dates you were leaving, so we could not process your visa (and subsequently, hid it in a side drawer)–when are you leaving for Brasil?” i put my sweetest smile and said “i was leaving July 15th, but my visa did not come. as soon as i have the visa, i will reschedule my flight.” oh. the lady said “oh”, and got her manager (official looking) person. they talked a moment and she said nicely “you can pick up your visa a noon today.” it looks really pretty. it is for one year, but renewable every year for four years.

and i rode on cloud nine until it dropped me off at the airline office which said unless i wanted to pay $1000, the next flight out would be August 6. so i opened my journal and wrote out every day from now until August 6. and it took up a lot of blank space. what the heck was i going to do with myself?

I am eating lemons. I got anna’s laptop. Yesssssssss. She is currently at www.jpusa.org if you wanna see it.  In Chicago. So I am eating lemons at Panera Bread while I wait for the internet to work again. It wouldn’t work at all at Starbucks. Does Starbucks have free lemons? our  internet at home is zilcho-nado.

Friday I went to the post office again. Ended up crying again. The lady basically said “well, it was your fault, you didn’t write down the number.” Oh what a horrible feeling. In the end, I guess that is one of my greatest fears. Making mistakes I can’t make right. And then spending my whole life paying for them. Wait, this won’t be for my whole life, will it? So I didn’t write down the tracking number. Now what. So it is my fault. Ok. But tell me something else I can do, right?

The lady, Cynthia, says NOT to come to Chicago. She says it won’t do any good. I am going to Chicago. I wrote the Brasilian consulate an e-mail, asking about the tracking number or some help or something…and they said my visa was still being processed. What? So someone is messed up. Maybe I don’t have my visa yet. Maybe they are mailing it tomorrow, and it wasn’t about writing down the stupid number at all.

So…a trip to Chicago to either find a tracking number, find out they are still processing it…or if it really is lost forever. If it is, then I have to file a lost/stolen passport thing, get a new one, and reinstate my visa…a whole process I cannot see taking less than three weeks.

Then bumping into my big fears again…that I will make the wrong choice—not wait long enough and then mess everything up because my visa ends up showing up…or waiting too long and ending up here for quite awhile. Not that here is bad. Nope, every day is good stuff. Especially with this lovely weather. Love it love it.

And my parents are so great about it. But I still feel like a mooch. I feel like I should be getting a job or something. And then I look at pictures of everything in Brasil at www.wrbrazil.blogspot.com and I ache ache ache. And then Jeff and Lindsay are coming back from Brasil this week—because of their visa problems. The visa world needs to be shot.