August 6, 2008

• I keep waiting for other people to make decisions so I can
  make mine. Should it be like that? I guess it is when you love someone. Then
  you affect them and they affect you and plans are changed and things are up in
  the air. But I thought for sure something would be clear by now. I figured
  someone would do something and then the road would shine bright and I would
  walk forth, knowing it was the right thing to do.

  So I tried to make sure I didn’t want anything. That either
  way I would be fine. Staying or going. But then that passed. I sat in church on
  Sunday and knew. Knew I wanted to go. As soon as you say what you want you run
  the risk of not getting it. But I felt ready. 

  Saturday we visited Anna in Chicago and…it is more important to her to
  not be locked into keeping a date than knowing ahead of time and I understand
  that. So I really feel fine about going to Brasil. Letting her make her
  choices, root for her from a (slight) distance where she can know she is taking
  responsibility on her own.

  But I don’t know about this mother and baby (*I will call
  the birth mother/girl “Daisy” to avoid all confusion*). I have played the whole
  game over and over in my head—the what ifs, the wonderings…no conclusion. What
  I don’t want is to wake up one morning in Brasil and wonder “would that baby
  have lived if I had stayed in the US?” 

  Daisy and I talked for about an hour. She told me that it
  didn’t matter what I did, and staying back from going to Brasil wouldn’t make a
  difference. She said she doesn’t want this baby. I showed her the information
  about the baby growing and the affects of abortion and possible consequences
  and another brochure about adoption. I don’t know if she really takes me
  seriously about adopting the baby. But she knows it is a baby, and it is her
  baby.

  I asked her why she would get an abortion. She said because
  she didn’t want to be pregnant at school. I told her she could be homeschooled
  (my mother had offered). She said she wanted to go to school. I asked her if
  that was the only reason, and she said no, because she just isn’t ready to be a
  mother—to take care of someone else when she can’t even take care of herself.
  And I said I completely agreed. Which was why I would adopt the baby. She said
  if she had the baby, she would want to keep him/her. That surprised me, and I
  asked why…she said “because I made it” as she whipped away her tears. 

  We talked about how if she kept this baby how she would know
  she had done the right thing. She turns 16 in May, so the baby is due in
  March…she could have the baby and everything taken care of by May. Some
  adoption parents would even compensate her (not me…but) and she could put that
  money in a fund towards college. She would know who her true friends were.
  Those who made fun of her wouldn’t be worth her time, and those who were would
  see what a true act of heroism following through with this pregnancy would be. Yes,
  it would be 8 more months of her life…but this baby would grow up and do great
  things, be great, and always know that his/her mother loved them enough to…let
  him/her live.

  She understands this is a baby. She understands that having
  an abortion is killing the baby. But she doesn’t seem to see any other options.
  Still. Something is not getting through to her, and I cannot make it happen. We
  talked about if she wanted to keep the baby for awhile…and how each day is a
  new decision. Or if she wanted me to keep the baby until she was 21 and able to
  take care of him/her. I threw out quite a few options. It really came down to
  “Daisy, if you have an abortion, it ends all options. When you chose to
  continue with the pregnancy, then each day you can see the options that
  come—and believe me, you will not be alone. You will have people there along
  side you.” 

  We talked about God’s love. About how nothing could separate
  her from God’s love. About guilt and feeling empty and if she chooses to have
  this abortion how God will not change, nor His love towards her. We sat on her
  front porch in silence a lot. Me not really knowing what to say, but not
  wanting to leave because she was still listening and her little brother, age 7,
  popping out his head and trying out life with a back scratcher tied to his arm
  to make him have super powers.

  She is scheduled for an ultrasound on Thursday. She didn’t
  remember what the name of the place is, or where is, so I don’t know if it is a
  crisis pregnancy place, or a planned parenthood place that will then schedule
  an abortion for her afterwards. She didn’t tune me out. She listened. She
  cried. 

  Please don’t scold me, and please don’t praise me. I am not
  a saint nor angel, misguided child or attention seeker. I am just a young woman
  trying to walk in each footstep that God prepares for me.

  I have had so much response from this whole…adventure. My
  inbox is filled with amazing people telling me they are praying and will love,
  support, and help in any way. And I wake up this morning with Brasil before me.
  It billows stronger and stronger and I can imagine anything except for not
  going. 

  It comes down to—did I do all I was meant to do in Daisy’s
  life? Did God have me where I was to offer my help, share my love, and then
  leave it in His hands, or to stay and see daily what would happen and help her
  through, pregnancy or abortion? What is my responsibility? And that is only
  what I can answer. I have desperately sought the advice and counsel of others,
  but they cannot reach in and put peace in my soul. I know that either decision
  would bring good fruit. I know that either decision will bring glory to God.
  Selfishly speaking, I know that either decision will bring criticism from some,
  praise from others. It has come down to it, and I cannot please everyone. And
  that scares me, if you want to know the truth.

  The past couple days of Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His
  Highest” has blessed me. Monday: “…As Christians we are not out for our own
  cause at all, we are out for the cause of God, which can never be our cause. We
  do not know what God is after, but we have to maintain our relationship[ with
  Him whatever happens. We must never allow anything to injure our relationship
  with God…the main thing about Christianity is not the work we do, but the
  relationship we maintain and the atmosphere produced by that relationship. That
  is all God asks us to look after, and it is the one thing that is being
  continually assailed. “

  Yesterday: “…The call of God can never be stated explicitly;
  it is implicit…it cannot be stated definitely because His call is to be in
  comradeship with Himself for His own purposes, and the test is to believe that
  God knows what He is after. The things that happen do not happen by chance,
  they happen entirely in the decree of God. God is working out His purposes. “

  Today: “…The idea of prayer is not in order to get answers
  from God; prayer is perfect and complete oneness with God. If we pray because
  we want answers, we will get huffed with God. …when prayer seems to be
  unanswered, beware of trying to fix the blame on someone else. That is always a
  snare of Satan. You will find there is a reason which is a deep instruction to
  you, not to anyone else.”

  ** 

  I am going to Brasil. God has called me there, and I feel
  His peace leading me on. But the whispers kick at my heels, and the tell me “if
  the baby dies it will be your fault.” And “you are abandoning her.” They
  torment me. And I could tell you all the reasons why or not why but really, it
  comes down to this. It is God’s work. The woman at the youth center is
  following up closely. I am not giving up. I am not throwing in the towel. I
  will come back on the first plane if needed. And…great things are
  going to happen.

  “The Lord is my shepherd

  I shall not want

  He makes me lie down in green pastures

  He leads me beside still waters.

  He restores my soul;

  He leads me in the paths of righteousness

  For His name’s sake.” Psalm 23:1-3
   

  Please keep praying for the baby, the mother, and
  grandmother. Pray for those at the youth center continuing to reach out to her.
  Please pray for me also. I will continue to give you updates as soon as I am
  able.

  • 9:48 am
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