September 28, 2008
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equality rant
I grew up thinking that everyone was equal. That everyone had a chance. That all you need to do is open the windows and life will come in to you. But there are many trees in the garden. Some are in the sun, with good water and good soil, and there is nothing that will stop them. But some are in the shade. Some have no water. Some have poor soil.
I used to think that they just needed to be taught. Give the parents a parenting class. Give the children a hygine class. Go to their house and organize things and give them a book and teach them to read…But education doesn’t seem to be the answer either. The educated people I know are not any happier or better off or with less problems. They are just different problems. Many times they are unhappier.
And then I went off into the world to teach. I went off to help others open their windows and let life in. And sometimes their eyes were so bright when we talked. Sometimes I was just sure that NOW they got the right idea. Different things began to appear. Some of the kids just left. Checked out. They didn’t want to change. They didn’t want to open their windows. And I could see the future written in their eyes…nothing changing…becoming another generation of emptiness, in front of the TV, waiting until life was over.
It made me wonder what I was trying to do. What success would look like anyways. I didn’t seem to know what I wanted to see—only what I didn’t want to see. Did I want to see a good member of society? Did I want to see someone who dressed up on Sundays and went to a good church? Did I want to see someone who stayed out of trouble? Did I want to see someone who went to college? Maybe all of this and more. I wanted to see them happy. In the end, I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted to see them reaching, with all they had, wherever they were—for all that God had for them. I guess that is what I want for all those that I love. So I learned to be happy with the little things. Like when I would ask “How are you and God?” and April would say “we’re cool. Real cool. Been praying on my walk to school lately.”
But after a long time of this…it just seemed that nothing really lasted. It didn’t stick. Kids that I would grow so close to would drop off. Or just drift away. Or wander in and out. And there would be happy spots, but they were not lines. Maybe as humans we are just too weak to carry on lines. The only things that really seemed to last in all this was the personal relationships. And even those were fluid movements, sometimes here and there—but they were always real. And they didn’t disappear. Never all the way. Maybe that is the only thing that imprints. Maybe that is what is so important.
It just seems harder here. It is so much dirtier here. I don’t know where all the dirt is in Indianapolis—I think we’ve covered most of it up with cement and swept the rest into a garbage heap. And there is a gaping hole here—where in the USA you can almost feel the opportunity. Oh, I know it is hard to get a job and all…but…it is just different. It is not just lack of jobs and less money to go around—it is a lack of hope—and even knowledge of the idea of opportunity that is missing here.
And maybe, in 10 years when I go around Washington and Rural and spot some old faces there will not be any difference in them. Maybe the changes will be small. Maybe the changes are just not what I was looking for. Was I only looking for them to be in a nicer house with a nicer job and a nicer attitude?
And maybe the same thing is true here. Maybe these children will be on the same street in 10 years, now with a baby in their lap. Am I going to play with them, am I praying for them to have a better life? To not have lice in their hair? To have enough to eat? To put a band aid on their sores? I don’t know. I pushed my way between two kicking girls and told them “God has two rules for us: love Him and love one another. Only two rules. Let’s work on them.” I don’t have the answers. I don’t even know what I am shooting for. Maybe it is just to make TODAY a little brighter for them. More liveable. Is that all I can do? And even that seems like such a big task.
