November 8, 2008
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i made a cake.
no measuring allowed.
no recipe allowed.
i just tried to remember what stuff was needed and how much of what.
and i remembered the golden rule of cooking: if it doesn’t taste good before you cook it, it won’t taste good after.
i made it with coconut milk. which, my friends, does not come out of coconuts. and there are not smooth green coconuts and brown hairy ones. they are the same coconut, and water stuff is inside it. i learned that the painful way.it was Anna’s birthday this week and i got to talk to her.
the good kind of talk. not the artifical one.
the one where you feel nice and full afterwards.
and she is growing up. she is growing older than me. it happens to everyone.
they get married and poof–they are suddenly in this ADULT world that is somewhere…beyond me.
somewhere i cannot get to. somewhere i feel left out of.
not that i really want to be there. but i just wish i could understand and be…part of it.
without getting married.and Obama is the president and it feels so very far away from me. and i…voted to please those i love.
how many things do i simply do to please others? to make sure i distance myself from that fiend named guilt?i had a dream the other night that i completely forgot about my English class.
my students came to me afterwards with this grim shaking of their heads… i hate grim shaking of their heads.
the “i am disappointed in you” thing.
which i why i try not to commit to anything.
because then i cannot disappoint you.
and then i cannot live.i yelled at my students on Monday. because i was stressed. and they were stressed.
and it was horrible. and I apologized the next day.
(sometimes… it almost seems worth it to fight so you can make up. things were so much better after that.)and i am in charge of the Christmas program–50 kids, 9 songs, two verses per song.
three practices a week.
ever since the “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” insident…me and play practice don’t settle together very well.
But it is going surprisingly well.and this week at college we had this special “Feira” thing.
my college class is…a group of talking women. LOUD talking women.
i don’t have a good track record on working “as a team.”
the few classes i had that had group projects in the past, group project meant “put-it-off-until-the-last-week-when-Rachel-ends-up-doing-all-the-work” projects.
i quickly learned to go solo, at all costs.well, in Brasil, they do everything in groups.
even tests.
and i am the last to be picked on the team, due to my lovely Portuguese grammar skills.so a week before the “Feira” project (like a fair with booths), they have battled it out, and have a theme: “playing and educating.” i am stuck on the decorating commity. i show up, and then wait around, my job being to “guard the stuff.” good thing i brought Uno and my juggling balls. because typical lateness, the fair started at 7pm, and none of my classmates showed up until 7:30pm. So for the first half hour, i entertained all the children with Uno, juggling, and learning “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes” in English.
The next night, same thing happened. but this time i was ready with paint…i did face/hand painting.so add that to my resume. grin.
and right now, i am trying to catch up on all the wonderful e-mails people have written me…and my new “NEW LOOK” hotmail thingy…is not letting me write anyone back. for once…i have a valid excuse. but i am finding that even valid excuses don’t make someone feel better when they are lonely.
