GOALS 2009

1. Being consumed with knowing God and being known by Him
1. Mornings first thing with God. Write out a prayer and some kind of study something
2. Evenings last thing with God. A Bible study. Start with the one with Aunt Carol
3. SABBATH once a week. REST and a day with God. Read something inspiring—someplace different. Time to just enjoy it. Sleep in and roll around in bed until an ungodly hour. Write something.
2. Be satisfied at the feet of Jesus every moment, feeling God’s pleasure, knowing I am loved, beautiful, and enough—find the beauty in the day.
3. See happy endings, changes, growth, and miracles in hopless situations—meet new people and go looking for them. Write them down when I find them.
4. Love God first and completely, as my King and Lover, not holding back to protect myself
5. Use my talents for God’s kingdom—writing (xanga and e-mails) counseling (er…”how ‘er you and God?”), teaching, LEARNING:
1. College—in the USA or in Brasil—do well in classes, working towards a bachelors.
2. In the USA…IUPUI in general studies
3. In Brasil…transfer to UPE for Letras
4. Choose one subject to study up on every month, and write about:

1. Write a book. Two pages every day for a month. Typewriter?!

2. Continents: North and South America, Europe, Asia, Africa, Oceana. Write and study them. Dream of traveling them.

3. Homosexuality—where I stand.

4. War—what I feel about it.

5. Study Masons and cults and middle eastern religions, Indian culture—study the Dali Lama and Gandhi

6. Study up on being Jewish

7. Learn guitar again. Practice every day for a month

8. Study writing children’s books. Do some more.

9. Study monks, monasticism, and Henri Nouwen and mother Teresa

10. Go over the “World of Sophia” again. Study the philosophers. Even if it is just Wikipedia.

11. Literature, great literature and children’s literature. What would a class on it be like?

12. Astronomy. Learn the stories of the stars.

6. Keep up/fight for the relationships I have—focus more on people than projects
1. Prayer journals—Put on the armor of God and fight in this spiritual war
2. Look for ways to reach out to people
3. Appreciate those I have and love. Never take them for granted
4. Discipleship. Living life and loving and showing them what that means. Who are them?
7. Be Holy, valiant, vulnerable, and scandalous
1. Vegetarian until July, then see what happens
2. Be a princess…elegant, calm, peaceful, resting, collected, and well-mannered
3. Do all the little things well…the broom is my friend
4. Perhaps…wear nice shoes that make me walk in nice little steps and remember I am a girl
5. No picking my nose outside the bathroom
8. Make a place where I can invite others HOME to
1. In the USA…help clean and cook—lots! Mom is the queen of the chateau!
2. In Brasil…decorate and clean and use a plate when I cook for myself.
3. Let Carina yodel at any volume

Goals for 2008

A.     Know God and be known by Him

1.     Study/read the Bible with journal of questions, summaries, thoughts, and stick figure people

2.     Meditate (especially before I go to bed) with CDs or 3×5 cards

3.     Study other books/Bible studies

4.     Memorize 1 and 2 Peter

B.     Be satisfied at the feet of Jesus every moment

1.     Asked to be emptied (confession) and filled (praise/worship) each morning

2.     Once a week fasting and prayer

3.     Once a week God time…candles, climbing trees, something—writing in the God journal

4.     Sit and enjoy God’s beauty, LISTENING for what He has for me THIS day

C.     See happy endings, changes, growth, and miracles in hopless situations

1.     Daily put on the armor of God and intercede for people (in journal)

2.     Keep up on personal journal of what is going on

3.     Keep up on weblog and online prayer requests and stories and praises

4.     Encourage God’s best and total submission in every encounter, listening to that person as if they were the only one on earth

5.     Face fear and ask “So how are you and God?”—check up on people, no one is exempt from problems

6.     Look/eyes open for new opportunities to reach people-my place and ministry in Brasil (PETI?)

D.     Love God first and completely, as my King and Lover

1.     Be open and honest, not trying to protect myself

2.     Pray for my future husband and keep up on journal

E.     Use my talents for God’s kingdom

1.     Keep up on writing about books I read, Bible studies, things I learned, poems, journals…

2.     Projects: scrapbooks, portfolio, Big books, youth center curriculum

3.     Spend time CREATING…art journals and stuff and decorating and gifts

4.     Learn to play the guitar!!!

5.     Learn/study/practice more Portuguese

6.     Become a better English teacher—keep planning! Teach more adult classes—seminary, teachers, Paudalho…

F.     Keep up/fight for the relationships I have—focus more on people than projects

1.     Weekly communication/encouragement to my family and my support system—write letters (try once a week to random people)

2.     Weekly communication/encouragement with those I mentor/disciple—and always look for more people to help

3.     Serve in little ways those I live with, especially my authorities

G.     Education and MISC stuff

1.     Get a Student visa—vestibular, get letter, go to college in Brasil

2.     Do my internet classes well/ taxes, FAFSA kept up

3.     Music and entertainment—to honor God, not distract or waste time…what can I give to God, or how could I better use this time

4.     drink more water, eat less, and exercise lots

Well…didn’t do toooo bad on my goals for last year. hmmm.

it is always weird to look back on a year.

it was a good year.

i learned so much.

i told my mom i knew everything when i was 20. i have sucessfully undone all that learning since then. 26 and so very much more lost than before.

beautifully lost.

maybe…

not lost enought

yet.

am i even ready to write my yearlong goals? a year is so long.

are plans only for those who know?

am i really able to change anyways? what is change? how does it work?

i want to wake up tomorrow…

the person i am supposed to be.

but i don’t know who that is or what they look like.

i want it to be the woman God wants me to be. i want to look at a photograph. i want someone to look at and say “ok, so just copy off of them.” but they are not me.

and i don’t have a picture. i have a watch that ticks loudly in my ear.

i have an idea that refuses to stay in the lines. fluid and beautiful and so very…magical. magic fades in reality.

and then i come to hate this thing called “Goals 2009″

this year, i shall have to write one that i can be friends with.

Before i left Brasil, i had all the kids give me their advice about English class:

i didn’t like:

6th grade didn’t get to play a game because of the test. and you promised. –Someone from 6th grade

tests, not talking, not running. –Carol

I would change:

i would give more merits. if you are a good student, i am giving merits. –Rebeca

I think if you have more games, the class would be more interesting. you also need more time for English class. it would be better if once a month you make something special, and every week the teacher would teach special music. –Jonathas

eat gum in class, play in class, listen to the “12 days of Christmas,” and study more. –Daniel

I would have more songs, books, and more curriculum. and no time when teacher Rachel is not here. –Debora

More music, more review, speak more English, and not speak more in Portuguese he meant for me not to speak any Portuguese in the class). –Guilherme

What rules would you have?

1. Don’t tack (talk)

2. Don’t touch

3. Don’t run

4. sit rait (right)

5. Respect –Lucas

what did you like about class:

our party, playing games, watching a movie. –Lorena

Hot chocolate, books, game and to play. –Adna

History, decorations, hot chocolate, and games. –Eduarda

Hot chocolate, English test, the teacher, and the songs. –Samara

What did you learn?

Emotions, how to write letters, noun, pronoun, subject, object, places, animals, and everything –Kaio

English, verses, love, i learned i loved teacher Rachel and the school –Gabriel (ohh, brownie points!)

I learned better vocabulary in English, how to writ (hehe) in English, and to read too. my pronunciation is much better this year, and i learned about “everythink” (this was our joke) i know now in English class. –Raquel 

Dance (what??), play, sing, sleep (what????), run –Alana (she just chose words from the verb list!)

Conjugations, verbs, places, body, dinosaur, insects, farm animals…(and continues to list almost every theme we coevered the whole year…and then forgot to sign their name. i think it was Daniel)

Verbs, time, habitats, love, English (i love the love part!!!)

Emotions, adjectives, lizards, Dinosaurs, habitats. –Johnny

I learned many thing like colors, umbers, verbs, opposites, emotions. It helped me to speak better and to know how English is important for my life. I’m thankfulness for teacher Rachel for teaching me these things. –Tiago

What do you want to stay the same?

The hot chocolate, games, homework, thanksgiving, and the socks (she means stockings). –Mariana

games, hot chocolate, surprises, painting (???)  –Neto

If you were the teacher, what would you teach?

Verbs, reading, past tense, and how to play English games.   –Michael

Aninals, food, time, verbs, days, months, numbers. –Adrielly

Love, English, English books, examples. –Luiz Mario (good answer!!!!)

My hair is freaked out. it can’t decide if it is dry or greasy. my skin is worse. it can’t decide how to react and if it has ringworm. so does that make me a real missionary? if i get ringworm? i can point to the spots on my face and say “look! there it is! suffering for Jesus!”

hmm. and i am just cold. sometimes i will be fine. then suddenly i am not. i can pile on the blankets and it not be ok.

Portugese wants to pop out of me. i laid in bed this morning and thought a nice conversation with myself in Portugese. just to make sure i still could. the Portugese is like a prisoner inside me. speaking it to myself isn’t the same. i want to feel the natural feeling of “well, of course i will respond in Portugese.” where you don’t even consider it…you just do. you just speak in another language. the only time that happens here is with the ladies at the Chinese place. for some reason, i always respond in Portugese with them.

my brain is sluggish. it misses the double vocabulary. those phrases that experssed me so well in Portuguese fall flat and short when translated to English.

I am wandering between Christmas and New Years and Brasil and America.

my bags are still being sorted out.

thank you cards have yet to be written.

behind, behind, behind rushes at me.

relax, relax, relax stares me in the face.

all together now the symphony plays, terribly out of tune.

and i just don’t know.

*

I watched the Kite Runner. the father told his son the worst sin is stealing. because all sins are stealing. lying is stealing the truth. immorality is stealing purity. i could go for that. all sin is stealing God’s deserved obedience.

My friend said all sin is you. selfishness. what you do for you. The Devil’s Advocate said Satan’s favorite sin was vanity. Others say pride. then there is the verse about the pride of life…and the lust of the flesh and eyes…

i found a website that lists out 637sins listed in the Bible. that is a lot.

*

i updated my resume. and filled out some online applications. and then went and talked to Carsons. in ten minutes i had a job, starting next Friday. it was so nice and easy. they have been really kind to me. 

i’d actually hoped to work at the youth center again. i like working with kids. it is my thing. i like doing ministry work. not that all work can’t be ministry, because all work should be done for the Lord…but it just feels so much more like ministry when you are giving Bible studies and such. but missions like Good News are hit pretty hard financially…and a job there is not to be. so Erica was happy: “How much of a discount can you get again?”

so i will be starting classes at Ivy Tech next Monday, then working evenings and weekends at Circle Center. ’twill be quite a different life.  

Anna said that because she could pronounce his name and i couldn’t…that proved that SHE should get the book.

i said pronunciation had nothing to do with it, but that Lindsay had given it to me for a travel book, so i could pass it on to Anna for a travel book…

although…you know how those books can be rather dangerous.

when mixed with a personality named Anna.

So. Jack Kerouac. “On the Road” my favorite parts.

“But then they danced down the street like dingledoodies, and i sshambled after as i’ve been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desireous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn of  a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awwww!”

“Lucille would never understand me because i like too many things and get all confused and hung up running from one falling star to another til i drop. this is the night, what it does to you. i had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”

“It was remarkable how Dean could go mad then suddenly continue with his soul–which i think is wrapped up in a fast car, a coast to reach, and a woman at the end of the road–calmly and sanely as though nothing had happened.”

“I realized these were all the snapshots which our children would look at someday with wonder, thinking their parents had lived smooth, well-ordered, stabilizd-within-the-photo lives and got up in the morning to walk proudly on the sidewalks of life, never dreaming the raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives, our actual night, the hell of it, the senseless nightmare road all of it inside endless and beginningless emptiness pitiful forms of ignorance.”

“(Driving through Mexico) Sal, i am digging the interiors of those homes as we pass them–these gone doorways and you look inside and see beds of straw and little brown kids sleeping and stirring to wake, their thoughts congeling from the empty mind of sleep, their selves rising, and the mothers cooking up breakfast in iron pots, and dig them shutters they have for windows and the old men, the old men are so cool and grand and not bothered by anything. there’s no suspicion here, nothing like that. everybody’s cool, everybody looks at you with such straight brown eyes and they don’t say anything, just look and in that look all the human qualities are soft and subdued and still there.”

not that i would really recommend reading the book. lots of things to skip. but these things were lovely. and i read them on the plane. even lovelier.

I cried the night before I left Brasil. Quietly and alone. I was ready for more tears the next morning when Junior said “Quit worrying and trying to plan everything—if you really want to come back to Brasil, you will. And if not in May, then in June, or July…”

And I felt ridiculously better after that.

The new direct flight from Recife to Miami is really nice. Seven hours and you look out the window to the USA. Wow. But they greeted me with a “your-flight-is-cancelled-and-because-it-is-due-to-weather-we-are-not-responsible-to-pay-for-you.” All in one breath. 15 hours and I have 8$ cash. It was already dark out, and even the nice 72 degree weather was freezing my toes in my flip flops. I know Maimi, and I’ve done my all-nighters at the airport. It wasn’t happening this time. I checked into the airport hotel—and turned my room heat ALL THE WAY UP.

I forgot how nice baths are. Hot baths after 5 months is almost worth the $125 for one night. Baths will be in heaven.

I promise.

then i got a direct flight to Indy in time for dinner. At Fazolies. served by Anna. with fresh brocolli. i really like brocolli.

i am cold.

but

home and happy.

What I learned/learning this year:

You can trust God

Things happen that look all confusing and disjointed, but there is a reason hidden somewhere.

Go after things with your whole heart—yes, it will hurt like heck, but you will have actually lived.

Let things come. They are going to come whether you let them or not, so letting them just makes life easier on you.

You don’t have to know the answer now.

You need to find your limits and then work to not pass them.

Sabbath is important. It gets 3 verses in the ten Commandments. “Don’t kill” gets one line.

People are screwed up. You have to choose to love them anyways. With all the screw ups.

You can’t plan good talks. You have to give time and live life and they will pop up in weird places.

Family is a magic word that changes your life. They are there and they will always be there. So remember that.

You live life one step at a time.

Philosophy is my new crush

You have to clean more in Brasil because things get dirtier faster. Including taking more showers and washing my feet twice a day.

Where to find the cheapest stuff in Carpina.

Sleep helps even the most horrible day to go away.

The beach is my favorite

Give it all if you know it is right

How to get around the shortcuts of Paudalho.

How to make Mouse de Maracuja, farofa, coconut cake, sweet potatoes, granola, and general cooking for myself.

How to feel at home.

How to be a vegetarian

How to ride on the back of a motorcycle sidesaddle

How to get your skirt stuck in a motorcycle

How to ride on the back of a motorcycle with a weeks worth of groceries

How to choose a ripe sweet potato

How to answer and write essay questions in Portuguese—and get a 90%

How to vote over e-mail

How to see reality and still think life is beautiful

How to be okay with irreconciliable facts

in the middle. I hope this letter finds you someplace not too busy and not too empty. I hope it

finds you wiser than you were last year, but not worse for the wear. But most of all, I hope you       you

experienced the overflowing love of God in every part of your life, as you learned how to receive

and give that love.

God has blessed me with quite a year. I traveled over New Years to Brasil, after a wonderful

Christmas with my family, and arrived for a very hot January. A couple of days after I arrived,

my dear friend/adopted mother passed away. The rest of the month passed quickly, spending the

time in Paudalho with my Brasilian family, Aninha and Junior. I did manage, by some reason or way,

to pass the college entrance exams (in Portuguese), and was accepted by a private university

(FALUB) for an Education major.

February we celebrated Carnival with a delicious week at the beach, followed by the end of summer

vacation and a rigorous school schedule. The International school has doubled in size every year

since 2006, and now has 60 students. As always, I enjoyed teaching the 3^rd, 4^th, 5^th, 6^th, and 9^th

graders.

With money that was kindly given by Carson’s, a department store I worked at over the holidays,

and the help of the Living Stones program in Paudalho, we were able to take 11 children to Recife

(the big city), the Zoo, the Mall, the movies, and McDonalds—all for the very first time in their

lives. The most exciting parts for the children were walking around in a huge building with air

conditioning, the escalators, and taking home a happy meal (which all of them saved to share with

their families). It was an experience worth living your life for.

March and April passed quickly as I taught school all day, taught an English class for the

teachers at the school, an English class for adults in Paudalho, took some internet classes in

the evenings, and then on Fridays volunteered with the Living Stones program. During this time

I began to feel that I didn’t just fit in, but that my church in Paudalho really was my home.

May was my trip home to the USA, where I got to go to my cousin’s wedding, as well as enjoy an

amazing road trip in California with my sister, aunt and uncle. June included swimming lessons

and picnics with my brother, enjoying the company and love of my mom and dad, and getting involved

 with my sending church, Horizon Central. July was when I had planned on returning to Brasil, but

a delayed visa included three extra weeks of rest, family time, and Anna getting engaged.

In August, I finally received a student visa, allowing me to return to Brasil (up until this time

in my life, my tourist visa only allowed me to be in Brasil six months out of the year—making for

a lot of transitions, plane tickets and plans not really settled). It was a bittersweet return,

as one of my girls at the youth center decided to go through with an abortion, after I had

committed to adopt the baby.

September began a new phase to my life in Brasil—where I teach English during the day, and then

during the evening take classes at FALUB (a University in town). My schedule is complicated, and

I have had trouble balancing things out, but I enjoy the challenge, and received mostly A’s from

my mid-terms.

October was full of parties, like a special “lice-killing” party for the children at Living Stones

(including washing everyone’s hair, styling them, and then sending home lice-killing shampoo and

instructions for their parents). We also, with contributions from generous souls in the US of A,

had a special party for Children’s day, which normally goes by unnoticed for the poorer children

of Brasil. On the other side of the equator, my sister tied the knot and I got a second brother

in the deal—Donovan Embry. But she decided to wait until April 2009 to celebrate with everyone,

so that I could be included.

you…please e-mail me at amobrasil99@hotmail.com, if you have not already. I have lots of pictures

(as well as everything between the lines) of the year on my weblog— www.xanga.com/rwinzeler,

if you would be interested. God bless,

Rachel Winzeler

i am packing.
supposedly.

no. i am sitting on the bed with dirty feet and thinking i need to take a shower.
and DANG IN TWO DAYS I WILL HAVE TO WEAR SOCKS.

because it will be cold.
and i can almost imagine my fingers falling off from the cold while i try to type messages on the computer.

brrrrrr.

but not right now. now i need to go buy bolo de rolo for Johnny and Quejo de Reino for Dad and bisquiotos integrais for Mom and those one thingys for Anna…and Donovan. what for Donovan…my new brother? ahhhhh!

’twill be slightly different coming home this time.

Yesterday i spent the day making jewelry with all the kids from Living Stones. those kids are goodness creative. not one bracelet or necklace turned out the same. some of them are more…interesting than others…but they are really good. i hope you want some for Christmas.

i also had the kids put their fingerprint on a flower thingy and write their name…so that i could give them to people to pray for that kid. for this Christmas and forever.

last night was my first final. we had the test in groups. how is it is a test if you are doing it with someone else? and it was open book. needless to say, it went really well. my portuguese has improved more than i ever thought it could in one semester. i was there spouting out all these big words…half of them i guessed at (translating from English to Portuguese) but i asked the teacher…and she said i was right. tonight is my Philosophy test. it will be harder. and not open book. and i am on my own for this one.

i want to live without having to have my life planned out. what comes comes.
but when someone asks me “When are you coming back to Brasil?”
my heart churns once more and i smile and say “Mayish?”
because i just don’t know.
and it is tiring to not know once again.

i am tired.