January 6, 2009
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Culture shock, re-entry…whatever the name for those feelings are.
I am just here. Just here. Empty.
I can’t feel anything. It is all gone. All of me.
All I want, don’t want, desire.
I know what is right, and I know every old decision like the back of my hand.
So I guess I will live off of them until I find myself again.
I am stumbling through. Not half bad, but not all there.
And only I know me enough to know it is missing.
No one else knows me well enough to know I am not here. Not here really.
And not there.
I alternate between thoughts of how can I return and how could I have ever left.
And neither one sticks to me.
They all flake off and float down on the floor around me.
Nothing is real. Nothing stays.
What is mine?
What is for me?
Allow me a moment more to think only of myself, to be surrounded by the music and tilt my head back to receive it all. Just receive and be filled.
I am so empty. And scared.
How can this be? Why is this world filled with so many questions? So many tears for every one.
Oh God. I feel far away. I feel you, but I don’t know you as I should. I feel like it has been awhile since we’ve had a good talk. Like we have to be stuck in the manners before we sit down and peel off the layers and really say what we mean.
How have you been? I ache to make you more human, to put flesh on you and have you hold me. I want to be held by someone who isn’t scared to get my snot on their shoulder. Someone who I feel no barriors with, just blind trust and open arms. Someone who I know the answer is yes. And then what? Oh God, and then what? Part of me wants everything, but I know it is only because I want nothing that I can have.
I can almost imagine myself washing the dishes outside the kitchen. Singing some random song. With the wrong words. “don’t break anything now!” comes a call from some where, between cell phone calls. A kiss on the cheek. A good hug and “minha Linda!”
Where is home? I am still looking…I find some of it laying about on the path. A rock here, a stick over there. And I pick it up and hold it close. And I feel so happy. And I stop and say I must be home. And then I turn and see the road is still there in front of me.
Comments (6)
culture shock hit me like a steel toed boot to the ribs… eventually, things feel a lot less disonant, but it takes awhile. Be strong, and find lots of support from the people you love. It’s all I can say.
@JadedJanissary - you’d think i would be used to it…i’ve gone back and forth from Brasil a gazzillion times…but still. hmm. but it will all smoothe out soon. it always does. to my surprise. and when did you deal with culture shock, re-entry??
OH man, my culture shock was multi-tiered, let me tell you. I studied abroad in thevery very southern tip of germany (just 45 min north of zurich). It was the first time i’d left the country other than canadian fishing trips (which don’t involve interacting w/anyon that’s not an american). I didn’t know anything about it, so I just sort’ve worked my way through the various stages w.o realizing it. Then, I came back to the states for about a week, before leaving for china for two months in the summer. So, i was going through reverse culture shock of being in the states for a week, then in reverse culture shock of being around americans, and also in culture shock from being in china. It was pretty rough, and it took me about 4 or 5 months to really get over it when i got back and spent time in the states.
the re entry blues is one of the worst bouts of “depression” I’ve ever dealt with. it’s like being heartbroken. I’m sorry you’re going through it. I’m praying for you
@spokenfor - thank you for your prayers. i really am doing well…just every once in a while…i just AM NOT. slightly normal, unfortunately…but it works good when i alternate down days with those around me…then there is always someone to cheer someone up. sounds like you had a great time in Hawaii!!!! congrats! send me some warmness!
@rwinzeler - warmness sent.