Helping a friend struggling with homosexuality:

1.      Work on deepening your friendship.

A.     Be a person they can trust.

B.     Be consistent

C.     Be a listener. Even if you don’t agree or feel comfortable with everything, they need someone to talk to.

D.     Pray for your friendship

2.      Be open about your own struggles.

A.     Vulnerability breeds vulnerability

B.     Don’t give the impression that you are perfect.

3.      Mention homosexuality in a neutral context.

A. They are sensitive to unkind remarks about gays—watch what you say

B. Don’t joke around about homosexuality. Don’t laugh when others do.

C. Christians are called to love, not condemn. A joke might build a wall with someone you don’t even know is struggling.

D. Even comments like “dang, they act so gay” can be hurtful. Is it really loving to be pointing that out? Check your own motives on comments like these. They are unnecessary and rude. It projects an attitude of hostility toward homosexuals. Why would they ever come to talk you you?

E. Be honest with God and ask forgiveness if you have been judgmental toward homosexuals.

F. Ask God for His vision and compassion for homosexuals.

Non-Christian Gay Friends

1.      They need God the same way everyone else does.

2.      Thinking they are different simply makes the whole friendship uncomfortable and forced.

3.      Sexuality is not everything. Everyone has a lot of needs and God can meet every one of them.

4.      See them as an individual, and mostly, as a friend.

5.      Don’t force a conversation. Let it come up naturally about the gospel, and about homosexuality. Most of the time, you can tell if they are not ready to hear it. It means: they are not ready to hear it. Wait until they are—God will bring it about on His time.

6.      IF an opportunity arises—not forced—you don’t have to convince them of anything. They already know the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. You need to know where you stand, and say it in love, and let it be.

7.      Don’t avoid telling the gospel or your view of homosexuality if it comes up. Gently explain that the Bible condemns all sexual behavior outside of heterosexual marriage, so the same standard applies to all single people, no matter to whom they are sexually attracted. If you’re single, it can be helpful to share how God is helping you live up to this standard. If you are married, talk about the inappropriate attractions you have had to deal with-before and after your wedding day. Emphasize that God empowers us to obey him; we don’t attain sexual purity on our own strength. If we desire to please the Lord, he will help us in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9,10).

8.      Always stress God’s love.

9.      A helpful book to give your friend is You Don’t Have to be Gay by Jeff Konrad.

Christian Friends Involved in Homosexuality

1.      Treat them as you would a heterosexual friend who is pursuing sex outside of marriage.

2.      Help them find God’s will for their life.

3.      There seems to be two popular views: one, love them and ignore the homosexuality. Two, ignore the person completely and have nothing to do with them (shunning). Jesus did neither—he never shunned, and always reached out to them, but also confronted them about their behavior “Go, and sin no more”  (John 8:11).

4.      There may be times when “stepping back” from the relationship is necessary for a time, but never abandoned. Normally, is someone is rebelling against Christ, THEY will step back because they don’t feel comfortable about you. Make sure you are there when God is working, you never know when an opportunity is being prepared. A balance might be difficult, but is important to find.

5.      Heart check: is this friendship pulling you away from Christ or pulling them towards Christ?

6.      Be sensitive to God’s timing. It is not your responsibility to state your opinion, or even to state the truth every time you meet. Let them know where you stand and let that stay where it is, but choose to love them no matter what they do with that truth.

7.      Appendix A in the back of Coming Out of Homosexuality by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel (InterVarsity Press, 1993) will give you an idea of gay theology. Or study up other places. It is important that you know what you believe and why.

8.      Straight and Narrow? by Thomas Schmidt (InterVarsity Press, 1995) is a more indepth book about it.

9.      Chapter 8 in the book, Someone I Love Is Gay: How Family & Friends Can Respond (InterVarsity Press, 1996) might help with other specific questions.

Helping a friend struggling with homosexuality:

1.      Work on deepening your friendship.

A.     Be a person they can trust.

B.     Be consistent

C.     Be a listener. Even if you don’t agree or feel comfortable with everything, they need someone to talk to.

D.     Pray for your friendship

2.      Be open about your own struggles.

A.     Vulnerability breeds vulnerability

B.     Don’t give the impression that you are perfect.

3.      Mention homosexuality in a neutral context.

A. They are sensitive to unkind remarks about gays—watch what you say

B. Don’t joke around about homosexuality. Don’t laugh when others do.

C. Christians are called to love, not condemn. A joke might build a wall with someone you don’t even know is struggling.

D. Even comments like “dang, they act so gay” can be hurtful. Is it really loving to be pointing that out? Check your own motives on comments like these. They are unnecessary and rude. It projects an attitude of hostility toward homosexuals. Why would they ever come to talk you you?

E. Be honest with God and ask forgiveness if you have been judgmental toward homosexuals.

F. Ask God for His vision and compassion for homosexuals.

Non-Christian Gay Friends

1.      They need God the same way everyone else does.

2.      Thinking they are different simply makes the whole friendship uncomfortable and forced.

3.      Sexuality is not everything. Everyone has a lot of needs and God can meet every one of them.

4.      See them as an individual, and mostly, as a friend.

5.      Don’t force a conversation. Let it come up naturally about the gospel, and about homosexuality. Most of the time, you can tell if they are not ready to hear it. It means: they are not ready to hear it. Wait until they are—God will bring it about on His time.

6.      IF an opportunity arises—not forced—you don’t have to convince them of anything. They already know the Bible says homosexuality is wrong. You need to know where you stand, and say it in love, and let it be.

7.      Don’t avoid telling the gospel or your view of homosexuality if it comes up. Gently explain that the Bible condemns all sexual behavior outside of heterosexual marriage, so the same standard applies to all single people, no matter to whom they are sexually attracted. If you’re single, it can be helpful to share how God is helping you live up to this standard. If you are married, talk about the inappropriate attractions you have had to deal with-before and after your wedding day. Emphasize that God empowers us to obey him; we don’t attain sexual purity on our own strength. If we desire to please the Lord, he will help us in our weakness (2 Cor 12:9,10).

8.      Always stress God’s love.

9.      A helpful book to give your friend is You Don’t Have to be Gay by Jeff Konrad.

Christian Friends Involved in Homosexuality

1.      Treat them as you would a heterosexual friend who is pursuing sex outside of marriage.

2.      Help them find God’s will for their life.

3.      There seems to be two popular views: one, love them and ignore the homosexuality. Two, ignore the person completely and have nothing to do with them (shunning). Jesus did neither—he never shunned, and always reached out to them, but also confronted them about their behavior “Go, and sin no more”  (John 8:11).

4.      There may be times when “stepping back” from the relationship is necessary for a time, but never abandoned. Normally, is someone is rebelling against Christ, THEY will step back because they don’t feel comfortable about you. Make sure you are there when God is working, you never know when an opportunity is being prepared. A balance might be difficult, but is important to find.

5.      Heart check: is this friendship pulling you away from Christ or pulling them towards Christ?

6.      Be sensitive to God’s timing. It is not your responsibility to state your opinion, or even to state the truth every time you meet. Let them know where you stand and let that stay where it is, but choose to love them no matter what they do with that truth.

7.      Appendix A in the back of Coming Out of Homosexuality by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel (InterVarsity Press, 1993) will give you an idea of gay theology. Or study up other places. It is important that you know what you believe and why.

8.      Straight and Narrow? by Thomas Schmidt (InterVarsity Press, 1995) is a more indepth book about it.

9.      Chapter 8 in the book, Someone I Love Is Gay: How Family & Friends Can Respond (InterVarsity Press, 1996) might help with other specific questions.

Supporting Ex-Gay Friends

Female Friend Helping a Female Struggler

1.      This relationship is very important. Many lesbians are struggleing with wounds and their sexual identity or sense of womanhood. Typically, these women feel an intense need for same-sex approval and emotional bonding with other women. You can provide a godly example of a non-sexual friendship.

2.      This might feel like a really heavy responsibility. Don’t think you have to solve everything. Keep it fun and light.

3.      Don’t make sexuality or past homosexuality a focal point. Ask “Would I do/say this with any other friend?”

4.      Remain constant and faithful. You can also hold her accountable for her end of the relationship, challenging her to develop mutuality rather than dependency.

5.      Do not be naïve. Same-sex attraction between women is based on a genuine God-given need for intimacy that has been twisted. We all have a need for love. God made us social beings and it is common for women to find a deep satisfaction in forming significant friendships with other women. If these same-sex needs are currently unmet, even “straight” women can find themselves drawn into inappropriate relationships.

6.      Watch out for the warning signs of jealousy and possessiveness.

7.      Make sure to reassure her of your commitment to the friendship. Some feelings of jealousy are common. But when they begin to control the relationship, it’s time for an evaluation, perhaps with the help of a counselor or spiritual advisor.

8.      Beware of the “just us” mentality. A healthy friendship is not exclusive. It welcomes others into its company. And a healthy relationship is flexible

9.      Don’t feel guilty. Emotionally dependent relationships are marked by a clinging possessiveness, not wanting to let go at any time, even though the reasons for being apart are fully understandable.

10.  Make sure that you maintain other close friendships. They are an important safeguard to keep your relationships in balance. Encourage your friend to pursue other friendships, too. Do not believe for one moment that you are the only one who can really help her! It will help to spend time with your friend in a group setting. Invite others out to lunch with the two of you. Get involved in church groups where you interact with others. These safeguards will help avoid the exclusivity which can lead to an emotional dependency.

11.  Help them find “normal” in friendships. Be open, talk about it, and let them know if something is “too much” and what to do about it.

Male Friend Helping a Male Struggler

1.      Accept him as another man

2.      Be vulnerable about your own life, discussing your weaknesses and fears as well as your strengths. This openness helps him realize that many of his problems are the same as any man’s. Not all his struggles are “gay” issues.

3.      Become a prayer partner and invite mutual accountability. Your friend needs someone to offer support during times of sexual temptation. If you have had problems with heterosexual immorality in the past, you have much to offer your friend in terms of practical insights into the battle against lust. Most men struggle with visual temptation. Whatever spiritual strategies have worked for you will also be effective against your friend’s homosexual lust. Enlist his prayer support in your areas of weakness, too.

4.      Be willing to listen and hear your friend’s struggles, but there is a difference between being honest and being graphic. Details of his past sexual exploits are unnecessary. You will also have to be honest in letting him know how much specific detail you can handle about his current struggles.

5.      You may be surprised to discover how many current or past struggles in your life match those of your friend. His homosexuality is not really a sexual problem-it is merely the surface symptom of deeper root issues which need healing. The roots of homosexuality are mainly emotional, and center on issues like envy (I’m not as masculine/secure/aggressive as other men), rejection (I’ve never felt really loved), loneliness (nobody would love me if they knew the real me), and deception (I’ll never amount to anything). Do any of these sound familiar? Of course they do- many of these feelings and thoughts plague all of us to varying degrees. So you can share with your friend that these issues are not “gay,” they are universal. And you can share how God has helped you deal with comparable struggles in your own life.

6.      If your friend becomes too dependent upon you, the answer is not to flee but to establish appropriate boundaries. First of all, if a dependency develops, do not ignore the signals that he is becoming demanding of you. You need to stand firm and gently confront him. Second, your friend may need some basic education about the dynamics of male relationships in our culture. In a nutshell, men tend to bond in groups while doing activities together. Your friend may have unrealistic expectations about an intense one-on-one friendship with you. Perhaps this is the pattern he experienced in gay relationships, but that is atypical in heterosexual culture. He needs to understand that reality so he will not feel rejected when you begin inviting him along on group activities, rather than just spending time alone with him. Don’t retreat entirely, but seek balance in your friendship by limiting your time alone with him. Welcome him into group activities by inviting him along when you and your buddies attend a ball game or church retreat. You can become his “bridge” to forming significant relationships with other straight men. Finally, do not push your friend into premature dating. This may seem like a logical answer to his friendship needs, but this is the last thing he needs if he is just beginning the process of emotional healing. Until he becomes secure in his masculinity through forming right relationships with other men, he is not ready to tackle an opposite-sex romance.

Male Friend Helping a Female Struggler

1.      Women who struggle with same-sex attractions often have a distorted view of men. Your friendship can be very healing in this regard.

2.      Show her respect and let her get to know you as a brother. She needs to know that you are not expecting anything romantic or sexual from this relationship.

3.      The vast majority of women dealing with lesbianism have been sexually abused. Often they have a fear and even hatred of men because of deep emotional wounding. Give her time to establish trust in your relationship. Be sensitive to her body cues regarding affection.

4.      Lesbians often struggle with control. They tend to dominate in order to avoid “losing control” and therefore risk being victimized again. Equality is the key to a comfortable relationship in this situation.

5.      Be careful to avoid a “buddy” relationship. Lesbians are often comfortable relating to men in this fashion but your friend is seeking to overcome past patterns. Remind yourself that she is a female and needs to be treated with appropriate respect.

6.      Beware of premature romantic involvement if your friend is just beginning the process of overcoming her lesbian background. Sometimes a woman will become emotionally entangled with a male friend who seems “safe.” If you see this occurring, don’t pull away totally but seek to establish healthy boundaries in the relationship. You may want to become accountable to a mature Christian friend.

7.      It is possible that you will feel romantically or sexually attracted to your friend. If she is just beginning her healing process, assume that she is not at all interested. In fact, your attractions could be her greatest nightmare come true. It is nothing personal, just that you are male. If you begin to pursue a premature romance, the relationship will quickly crumble when she realizes what is occurring. And her healing process will be badly derailed. Your friend can never enter into a successful heterosexual romance until she has resolved her lesbian issues. Both of you will be badly wounded if you enter into a premature emotional involvement.

Female Friend Helping a Male Struggler

1.      It is common for men struggling with homosexual issues to confess their secret to a woman. Often these men have had a closer relationship with their mother than with Dad, so they find it easy to confide in a female friend.

2.      Seek to maintain the relationship as equals; resist the tendency to become a rescuer or substitute parent figure. Your friend needs to grow up. Many male homosexuals resist facing the realities of adult manhood. Don’t keep him in a “little boy” syndrome by taking responsibility for his life.

3.      Don’t shield him from the consequences of his bad choices. Many gay men are masters at blame-shifting; their problems are the fault of everyone else but themselves. Don’t allow your friend to manipulate you into thinking that he is always the victim and you need to rescue him.

4.      Encourage his friendships with other men. This is one of the most important things you can do.

5.      Typically, gay men feel very comfortable around women and may even enter into “woman talk” about make-up and current female fashions. Affirm his masculinity by resisting this kind of interaction.

6.      If you are a sports enthusiast or enjoy other activities which attract male participation in our culture, so much the better. Engage in these activities with your friend, so he can move a step closer to enjoying them with his male friends as well. Including others in your activities can be a good safeguard for you, too.

7.      Too often, women in these types of relationships begin to become romantically inclined toward the man. They begin to hope that this platonic relationship could develop into a romance. Unless the man has had considerable time to move forward in his healing process, such a hope will only lead to hurt and disappointment. Typically, the ex-gay man will “turn tail and run” when he senses even a hint of romantic interest on your part. The relationship will quickly become strained and probably break apart.

8.      So enjoy your friendship but realize your limitations. You are a woman and your friend will find his primary source of healing through appropriate emotional intimacy with other men.

9.      Keep your relationship with him in balance by spending quality time with other men and women, and you will be an important part of his support system in finding emotional wholeness and spiritual maturity.

[Reprinted from Someone I Love Is Gay: How Family & Friends Can Respond by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies � 1996 by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press, P.O. Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515.]