February 6, 2009
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i was fine, then i wasn’t, now i am
what happened? it attacked me out of nowhere.
it came, and then it left.
i woke up happy
why did i wake up happy?
the morning was full of prospect
i went to classes, they were fine.
then it happened
i wasn’t okay.
i walked out of class cold
it is 14 degrees out and piles of snow
and to tell the truth i have gotten used to it. i can’t use Brasil as an excuse anymore.
really.
but not now
inside me was cold
and it made my hands unbearably stiff
and my nose incredibly tingly
thoughts swirled around the top of my forehead
i could see them form and blow out
“you don’t belong here”
“this isn’t you”
“what is this? this life isn’t yours–this place isn’t yours”
i was dizzy and i grabbed the banister
because it happened
here isn’t me–but neither is Brasil
i can’t claim either
i reached for one–trying to keep ahold of the other
but i couldn’t reach and i lost hold of both.
“i can’t do this”
and the mall began to crush me clastraphobically.
the glass walkway felt refreshing. two birds flew past me.
“maybe i could find my place. maybe i could make this mine.”
but i turned around in pain
because i don’t want to MAKE it happen. i am sick of MAKING things happen.
and then i turned around and went to work.
