i don’t normally speed.

ever since dad told me i get better gas milage if i stay under 65mph…i really have.

except maybe with this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKsI6KaMr4E

very fun.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.
It just takes some time,
little girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, you know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time,
little girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time,
little girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time,
little girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
It just takes some time,
ittle girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine,
everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

–Jimmy Eat World

hmmm. just finished BIG PAPER #3. one more. one more…after a good night’s sleep.

then all i have to worry about are finals.

and then next THURSDAY…

FREEDOM.

Whose broken window is a cry of art

(success, that winks aware

as elegance, as a treasonable faith)

is raw: is sonic: is old-eyed premiere.

our beautiful flaw and terrible ornament.

our barbarous and metal little man.

“i shall create! if not a note, a hole.

if not an overture, a desecration.”

Full of pepper and light

and salt and night and cargoes.

“Don’t go down the plank

if you see there’s no extension.

each to his grief, each to

his loneliness and fidgety revenge.

nobody knew where i was and now i am no longer there.”

the only sanity is a cup of tea,

the music is in minors.

each one other

is having different weather.

“it was you, it was you who threw away my name!

and this is everything i have for me.”

Who has not Congress, lobster, love, luau,

the Regency Room, the Statue of Liberty,

runs. a sloppy amalgamation.

A mistake.

A cliff.

A hymn, a snare, and an exceeding sun.

–Gwendolyn Brooks (1917-2000)

hmm. i am not normally into rappish songs. maybe it is just because i like the movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ps67fzMNPtg

“Paper Planes”

[x2]
I fly like paper, get high like planes
If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name
If you come around here, I make ‘em all day
I get one down in a second if you wait

[x2]
Sometimes I think sitting on trains
Every stop I get to I’m clocking that game
Everyone’s a winner, we’re making our fame
Bonafide hustler making my name

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

[x2]
Pirate skulls and bones
Sticks and stones and weed and bongs
Running when we hit ‘em
Lethal poison through their system

[x2]
No one on the corner has swagger like us
Hit me on my Burner prepaid wireless
We pack and deliver like UPS trucks
Already going hell just pumping that gas

[x4]
All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

M.I.A.
Third world democracy
Yeah, I got more records than the K.G.B.
So, uh, no funny business

Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go
Some some some I some I murder
Some I some I let go

i read “Irrestistible Revolution” again. it is still amazing.

“Love without courage and wisdom is sentimentality, as with the ordinary church member.

Courage without love and wisdom is foolhardiness, as with the ordinary soldier.

Wisdom without love and courage is cowardice, as with the ordinary intellectual.

but the one who has love, courage, and wisdom moves the world. –Ammon Hennacy

“So live real good, and get beat up real bad. Dance until they kill you, and then we’ll dance some more. That’s how this thing seems to work.” –Shane Claiborne

“Don’t choose issues; choose people. Fall in love with a group of people who are marginalized and suffering, and then you won’t have to worry about which cause you need to protest. Then the issues will choose you.” –Shane again.

“What is, therefore, our task today? Courage. not, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. our task today is recklessness. For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature…we lack a holy rage–the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth…a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. to rage when little children must die of hunger, when the tables of the rich are sagging with food. to rage against complacency. To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the Kingdom of God.” –Kaj Munk, killed by the Gestapo in 1944

“Longing is the most powerful part of any human personality. It fuels our search for meaning, for wholeness, for a sense of being truely alive. However we may describe this deep desire, it is the most important thing about us, our heart of hearts, the passion of our life. and the voice that calls to us in this place is none other than the voice of God.” –John Eldredge “Sacred Romance”

“Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of–something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling of the something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? you have never had it. all the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been hints of it–tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fullfilled, echos that died away just as they caught your ear. but if it should really become manifest–if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself–you would know it. beyond all possibility of doubt you would say “here at last is the thing i was made for.” we cannot tell each other about it. it is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unapeaseable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer know wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all.”    –C.S.Lewis

where is it? what is it? i want it. i need it.  

i love mowing the lawn.

i think in our neighborhood of college students and retired folk i was the only one up at 10:00am Saturday morning. the first mow of the season. i mowed the neighbor’s yard and then he let me use the mower for our lawn. because i can’t start our mower. i pull and pull and pull but no good. He asked me how much he owed me, i said it was even stevens. mower for mowed lawn. His name is Walt. He likes me. he is 85.

it brings back so many memories. i have a picture of me mowing the lawn when the lawn mower was taller than me. i was short for a long time. i think i was 11. or 12. i looked down at my green covered shoes and smelled the chives i just ran over. we have a lot of chives. i still feel bad when i mow over violets. Dandilions are weeds, but pretty. Violets are flowers. they are lovely. but i mow over them. And i still, in 15 years of mowing experience (DANG!), cannot manage to mow straight. i have decided to blame the yard. the yard isn’t straight. mis-proportioned. because i always end up with triangles of spots. i feel like a slight failure, but not really. it is too pretty a day.

*

i took a jog to my special spot. and three little boys were there. they looked up at me and one had the audacity to say “lots of people come here now.” my face must have mentioned something about feeling intruded upon.

but it is the perfect day for adventuring. so i forgave them gracefully.

i saw a huge turtle and found a goose nest.

and i cut a mohawk for John.

some songs have moments, and some moments have songs.

this the the song for my moment now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkzqRwACKzQ

Breath in breathe out
Tell me all of your doubt
If everybody bleeds this way
just the same
Breath in breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone.. goes away
I will stay
We push and pull,
and I fall down sometimes
I’m not letting go,
you hold the other line

Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
Hold on, hold tight
From out of your sight
Everything keeps moving on, moving on,
Hold on hold tight
Make it throught another night
Everyday there comes the sun with the dawn
We push and pull, and I fall down sometimes
I’m not letting go, you hold the other line

Cause there is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes

Breath in and breath out (x4)

Look left, look right
to the moon and the night
Everything under the stars in your arms
There is a light
In your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light (x4)

–Mat Kearney

**i don’t feel alone. Strangly, i feel at home. Here is a prayer to everyone else who is hurting or hurting for someone they love…

Why did i skip class to go to the park?

*because it is spring

and i haven’t had time to rejoice her yet

*because the semester is almost over

and i have enough points for the grade

*because i am tired and mourning a friend who left

making me realize an empty space within me

*because my dad is in the hospital

*because i am sick of having to watch

the people i love suffer

*because i am mad

and it isn’t fair

*because i am hurting inside

and i run away to be alone when that happens

*because i don’t know how to deal with things publically

*because it seemed like a good idea

*because i needed time to be

or else life becomes something that takes me

instead of me taking it

*because we all have our levels

and we must find them and not overstep them

because if we don’t we will wake up one day to find

we don’t know how we got there

and worse–we don’t know why we are there

*because it was time to stop and sit in the sunshine

Please pray for my father…he had a heart attack this morning. He is in the hospital for observation the next couple of days, but he is doing really well. The damage is minimal. Praise God.

.

and Carina left for Chicago.

Ivy Tech had a poetry contest. i picked a couple random poems and e-mailed them in.

got an e-mail today saying i won 2nd place.

The rain is darkening my shirt

The soft petals drifting down

I am silent

But the grass is moving around

The people passing

Do not see me

Please press against me

To see if I am real

.. ..

And they don’t even know

That I have no place to go

That I am lost

With fear hiding in

My placid face

.. ..

And they don’t even know

That I have no place to go

Home is far

And rest is lying

Farther still