Month: May 2009

  • the tattoo quiz on facebook is the best one. this was the first question. i was so fascinated by it that i had to stop and copy it down…perhaps flawed, but very fascinating.

    What is your greatest regret?

    * oppression: allowing something to take control of my actions and forcing me to miss out on the virtues of life

    * shame: losing sight of my faith and acting instead to my vices

    * conformity: compromising my beliefs for the sole purpose of convenience

    * ignorance: neglect of acceptance of ideas simply because i didn’t understand

    * skepticism: wasting time questioning my destiny

    * exposure: opening up and being misunderstood

    * personal failure: not reaching personal goals

    * reticence: remaining silent and not speaking freely when i have a strong opinion about an issue

  • Scribbling the Cat

    with a name like that i was hooked.

    written by Alexandra Fuller. This is her return from Africa…words i wish to steal about coming back from Brasil…

    “It should not be physically posible to get from the banks of the Pepani River to Wyoming in less than two days, because mentally and emotionally it is impossible. the shock is too much, the contrast too raw. we should sail or swim or walk from Africa, letting bits of her drop out of us, and gradually, in this way, assimilate the excesses and liberties of the States in tiny, incremental sips, maybe touring through South America and Mexico before trying to stomach the land of the Free and the Brave.

    It wasn’t that i didn’t want to join in the innocent, deluded self-congratulation that goes with living in such a fat, sweet country. i did. but i couldn’t. And confining myself to the house didn’t help. Now i felt like a tresspasser in my own home with all its factory-load of gadgets and machines and the ease of the push-button life i was living.

    Then gradually the winter seeped into spring and i resumed the habits of entitlement that most of us don’t even know we have. And K’s imaginary voice00which had been an almost continuous presence through the cold weather–melted into an only occasional intrusion. i drank coffe at the cafe on the creek without imagining K asking me how i could pay three times the average Zambian’s daily salary for the priviledge. “

    “I don’t think we have all the words in a single vocabulary to explain what we are or why we are. i don’t think we have the range of emotion to fully feel what someone else is feeling. i don’t think any of us can sit in judgment of another human being. we are incomplete creatures, barely scraping by. is it possible–from the perspective of this quickly spinning Earth and our speedy journey from crib to coffin–to know the difference between right, wrong, good and evil? “God go with you!” the mushroom man had said, and i was grateful to him.”

    “I felt somehow that if i knew this one secret about K–this one, great, untold story–then everything else about him would become clear and i could label him and write him into coherence. and then i would know what i was doing here and how i had arrived here and i’d know more about who i was.”

    “i knew that the war hadn’t created K. K was what happened when you grew a child from the African soil, taught him an attitude of superiority, persecution, and paranoia, and then gave him a gun and sent him to war in a world he thought of as his own to defend. and when the cease-fire was called and suddenly K was remaindered, there was no way to undo him. and there was no way to undo the vow of every soldier who had knelt on this soil  and let his tears mix with the spilled blood of his comrade and who had promised that he would never forget to hate the man–and every man who looked like him–who took the life of his brother. You can’t rewind war. it spools on and on and on. Looping and jumping, distorted and cracked with age, and the stories contract until only the nuggets of hatred remain and no on can even remember, or imagine, why the war was organized in the first place.”

    “Why do i destroy?” he asked.

    I said “Why do i push people to destruction?”

    “Because you’re a woman” he said.

    I said “Because its what you do. it’s what you’ve always done. you have a genius for it.”

    “Those of us who grow in war are like clay pots fired in an oven that is overhot. confusingly shaped like the rest of humanity, we nevertheless contain fatal cracks that we spend the rest of our lives itching to fill. all of us with war-scars will endeavor to find some kind of relief from the constant sting of our incompleteness–drugs, love, alcohol, God, death, truth. K and i, each of us cracked in our own way by our participation on the wrong side of the same war, gravitated to each other, sure that the other held a secret balm–the magic glaze–that might make us whole. i thought he held shards of truth. he thought i held love. Those of us who grow in war know no boundaries. after all, that most sacred and basic boundary of all (thou shalt not kill) is not only ignored in war, but outright flaunted and scoffed at. Kill! Slot! Scribble! we will seep into unseen cracks to find solace. and we will do so without thinking twice, since we are without skins, without membranes, without the usual containments of civilization. we know that life is cheap and that the secret to an inner peace is so dear and so elusive as to be almost unattainable.”

  • Today i saw the sunrise and the sunset. if only every day i had something to say about it. but so many days pass and then i wake up and realize i have forgotten how to dream. today, in the middle of Humanities class…i remembered. and i had to get out. i left class, went to the library, and found out how much an airplane ticket would be to the major cities of the world.

    Not so much that i wanted to go, or to any place in particular….i just wanted to know i could. i wanted to dream about something knew. imagine doing something different. not feeling stifflingly stuck. Depression must be when you can’t dream anymore. when you can’t see your life from any different angle.

    Imagination. i read a book that said violence was for a country that had lost its imagination. had forgotten how to come up with another solution.

    it is a wonderful thing to sit down and think of new ways to do old things. no day should be without it. Maybe it is trying a new food. or driving a new way to work, or pushing both of the doors open and walking through like you are the queen. those are the little things that make life better. fuller. grow your imagination. set our sights higher–we might not have all we want, but we can always move in a direction that is closer.

    Cruses: $179. but then i have to get to the port as well.

    Bus: about $65 one way to anywhere

    Train: about $120 one way to anywhere

    Bike: free

     

    hmmmm. still thinking.

  • i feel so much

    closer to myself

    on a warm night

    laying in the middle of a feild

    the breeze in my hair

    the stars moving  into satalites

    the grass scratching

    my back

    and i roll over and over and over

    until up is down and down is up

    and the light of the city

    they can keep it

    their plastered smiles

    do not call me

    because i feel so much

    closer to myself

    alone

     

  • Carsons, and other code words

    “Where is the woman’s department?”

    wink wink

    we all know the whole 2nd flood of Carsons is for women.

    “Women” is the code word for “plus sizes.”

    that took me awhile. and a lot of embarrassing situations before i found out.

    “What? Women’s department? you are on the right floor.”

    “No, i mean the WOMEN’S DEPARTMENT.”

    “Yes, we sell women’s clothes on this whole floor.”

    “No, i mean…”

    grin. hmmm. turn red.

    *

    “Were there any coupons in the paper?”

    wink wink

    we all know this is code for “hook me up with some coupons, i know you have them at the regester somewhere.”

    if this doesn’t work, they move on to:

    “But that other cashiere always gave me coupons.”

    to which i have many different responses to…but never say them.

    *

    For my lunch break, i go to Boarders and read a good book. right now it is “City of Thieves” amazing. yes. it makes my day very happy. i will be sad when i finish it. who needs to buy books when the best books are free?

    *

    I swallow the words every time i ring up a sale and say the total when it is over $100. “one-eighty-six” i say, or “Two-twenty-five” with a swallow. i try not to say “hundred” in the sentence. it just hurts a little. my mind races and HOW could they spend that much? we have become aclamated. we are used to $20 bills. the woman shops, making sure to buy things “on sale,” and then brings it to the regester. each item is around $20. $20 is reasonable for something i want, right? well, 6 items and where are you? spending a lot of money. and i fold it up and put it in a bag and off they go, carrying in a small white sack the value of what i spend for living a MONTH in Brasil.

    *

    Mothers day. the weekend where the second floor of Carsons (the women’s clothes) is suddenly visited by men. mostly lost looking men, but i give them points for trying. double points if they have coupons. must mostly, they bring in a catalog and point to a picture and say “i need this! can you find THIS shirt for me? She like THIS!” and i find it (and they are so impressed) and sometimes i give the nice ones coupons. because…i like watching guys shop for their girls. it makes me happy.

  • Ethics again.

    what i liked best about ethics class was looking at the validity of the argument. You might not solve anything–that might not be possible–or maybe that isn’t the goal. before…i just wanted resolution. some of the most important things in life don’t have resolution. sometimes, not ever. Philosophy is stripping away the pretenses and preconsieved ideas and biases and asking why. i like it. living actively.

    *

    Stepping outside ourselves

    into a great big world

    of otherness

    that cannot be controlled

    that cannot be planned

    that cannot be entered

    until we let go and see

    see what will happen

  • youth center

    old school is back

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    Curtis didn’t want a picture

    IMG_1354

    but then i snuck one in and told him i was putting it on the internet.

    IMG_1357

    and so then he sent a smile for y’all.

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    please pray for Curtis and his family. and then my girls. aren’t they lovely?

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    and then this is late…but happy birthday Erica…with my mom’s chocolate cake…

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  • another princess story

    i’ve been writing princess stories at work lately. on recipt paper. but haven’t had time to type them up. so here goes. a la Carsons.

    *

    There once was a princess who loved too much. and people would warn her and say “Be careful! Be careful you are going to get hurt!” and the princess thought. and she thought some more. and she decided she’d rather keep loving and get hurt than not love anymore. and so she did. and it was wonderful and everything they say in storybooks that it should be.

    But then one day a doubt crept into her ear. and it whispered things that made her cry. and then she saw it. she was looking into the deep eyes looking back at her–and she saw the words written. the words she did not want to see. they were words open to choice and she could choose. they were words that said she was shaping her future–and she was shaping his. and they were words that said it wasn’t the best.

    and the princess who loved too much made a choice. she made the choice to stop. So she took love by the hand and kissed it goodbye and walked away. and she didn’t look back. not until love couldn’t see her anymore. and then she sat down and cried. and while the person of loved walked on, the spirit of love came up softly behind her.

    Love asked the princess what was wrong, and she became angry. she folder her hands into fists and pounded love. she told it to leave and never come back. she said things were better off this way. but love stood still. love did not leave. And the princess who loved too much decided it was time to stop loving. and the only way she knew how to stop was to kill it.

    She picked up a stone and threw it “This is for those hurtful words.” and “This is for not being there for me” and “This is for not understanding” and “This is for the wrong you did me.” and “this is for not sticking up for me.” and then she was tired and couldn’t throw anymore. she had run out of stones.

    And love never moved. and a long time passed. and love was still there. So the princess sat down and asked “Why are you still here? if i cannot have you, why don’t you just leave, and make it easier on both of us?” “I don’t leave–love never gives up” it replied. “I am stuck with you?” said the princess, “That is unfair. then why can’t you die?” “Love is neverending” was the answer.

    “So what am i to do? I am out of options.” sighed the princess who loved too much. “Surrender” said love, “Surrender me, princess who loves too much. Give me away. Your problem never was loving too much, your problem was in who and how you were chosing to love. It is not wrong to love, but if you know that one is not for you, then surrender your love and your right to show him your love to me–for i am Love.”

    And so the princess who loved too much did. and some days were the best she’d ever had. and other days she remembered the past and it hurt. and sometimes she still had murderous thoughts against love–because killing it would be so much easier. but she did not take the easy way, she took the right way. And her name was shortened–she became the princess who loves.

  • change

    the human services class was about change. we had to answer how we can help people change. i wrote it yesterday, and decided what the heck, be honest. (even though i did change some of the wording to be more….ahem…secular)

    …Personally, and on a spiritual level, I believe that lasting change only comes through a relationship with Jesus Christ. In answering the question of “How does someone help someone else to change,” I would then say that it requires relationship—of genuineness, acceptance, and understanding. I want to create a place where the person is able to grow and change as they see the need. To sum up my answer, through a relationship, I believe to help someone change you can assist them with understanding what they did, why they did it, and what they will do the next time in that situation.

    The first of the three questions to answer was “Why do people change?” I found a great article by Arlene F. Harder. She says that people change because of pain (they don’t like where they are at), because they are pulled (The biological imperative to grow and enter the next phase of life, life-cycle stages, or in response to information and inspiration), or because they are pushed by someone to change (this doesn’t often lead to permanent change). I agree, and often think these things work together. In the end, I believe that people change because they realize they don’t like where they are at (whether due to pain, someone pushing them, or being pulled to that idea through teaching or natural cycles).

    For the last question, “How do people change?” I found a book which was called “How to Help People Change” By Jay Adams. It is from a Christian’s perspective, and based on the Bible. I made an outline, based on his book, as well as my own thinking and ideas, which fully answers this last question of how people change.

    A. Teaching (when helping someone change, this is your part. When wanting to change, you need to find someone to do this part with you): Personal involvement (genuineness, acceptance, and understanding), enthusiasm, color and vividness—clarify, make memorable, demonstrate how it may be done, encourage, and use printed and other aids, and create a place where they can grow and change.

    B. Conviction (This can only be done by the person wanting to change—normally begins from pain, pull, or push): seeing that something needs to be done. That the change needs to happen.

    C. Correction (When helping someone to change, you can guide this, but not force it. When wanting to change, this is a process):

    1.                  Admitting you need help—that what you did/are doing isn’t working

    2.                  Seeking forgiveness—making things right (if need to)

    3.                  Forsaking the old way: willingness to say no to doing it again, breaking off the past practice, and setting up a structure that makes it hard to go back to

    4.                  Beginning an alternative way

    D: Discipline (When helping someone to change, your part would be accountability. When wanting to change this is simply continuing on in the change): doing what you know needs to be done.

    –Based on “How to Help People Change” Jay Adams

     

  • other classes

    ok. Educational Psycology was amazing as well.

    just knowing i was a squiggly line made me so very happy. and then the project to write 100 things to do with a paper clip. the teacher has to be something of amazing. and he was.

    bits from my research paper on low socio economic children (using Maslow’s Heirachy of Needs):

    Who are the “low economic status” children? 13 million (18%) American children are below poverty level ($20,000 for a family of four). 28 million children (or 39%) are in low-income families ($40,000 for a family of four) (Fass & Cauthen, 2006). For the most part, when speaking of low SES children, we are talking about those living below the line of poverty, but the same problems are often faced by those in low income families as well (and no amount of money exempts one from experiencing difficulties in school).  35% of black children are in this 18% below poverty statistic, 28% of Latino children, 29% of American Indian children, 11% of Asian children, and 10% of white children live in poor families (Fass & Cauthen, 2006).

    What problems do low SES children face? Some problems are not being able to get enough food, and spending more than a third of their income on rent, causing them to move often (Fass & Cauthen, 2006). This leads to moving around to different school districts, and often missing time in between (moving, getting papers together, and into a new school around the parent’s work schedule is difficult), as well as spending a lot of time in catching up and adjusting to the different teaching styles, as well as content in the classroom. Low SES children have a higher risk of abuse due to lower knowledge and skill base, are less likely to have parental involvement (a huge factor in the success of children in school), less likely to trust their parents, and less likely to have teacher help due to less parental involvement in school (Briggs & Hawkins, 2006). If the parents don’t care, it is harder for the teacher to pick up the slack. Often they drop the ball, or feel so helpless that they don’t even try.

    Their parents are more often less educated, and have fewer expectations for their children. But low SES is more than not having food; it means that you have limited choices, like where to live, where to work, and what to do in their spare time. It means not having the knowledge, skills or confidence to make the best use of civil and social services or to ensure their legal rights. “ (Socioeconomic status, 2009) They are more likely to have less, have poorer health, suffer from depression, and be isolated. The social, economic and educational exclusion associated with poverty is worsened by bullying, harassment and discrimination.” (Socioeconomic status, 2009) Low SES often leads to a complete mindset ruled by hopelessness (lack of opportunities, failed opportunities, or missed opportunities) and anger (at not having a chance, at the difference of the way things are and the way things should be, and at the injustice often served them). Not only do low SES children have to deal with their own problems, they are now surrounded (feeling like they are stuck in a pit) by those in the same situation. This often expands the hopelessness and isolation, feeling like everyone in low SES, dealing with the same problems, is one of “us,” while anyone different is one of “them.”

    Three goals that seem to help children (and are shown in successful students), especially from low SES families, are having resiliency, being self-actualized, and having an INTERNAL locus of control, also called self-efficacy, (external locus of control seems to add to dropping out), meaning that they believe they do have control within themselves to succeed or fail (Slavin, 2003, pp.334).

    Self-actualization is the ability to develop your full potential. It means that you accept yourself and others, have spontaneity, openness, creativity, humor, and independence. (Slavin, 2003, pp.332) Self-actualization is at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. The needs, starting at the bottom of the pyramid, are physical: hunger, thirst, sleep, and then safety. The next levels are emotional—the need to love and be loved and to belong, as well as to achieve and be recognized. Then there is the aesthetic need of needing to know, explore, and understand. The top and final level then is the self-fulfilling need of self-actualization—the goal. (Slavin, 2003, pp.332).

    While I do not think many people are arguing that self-actualization is a good thing, and a valuable goal, I don’t believe that it is something that can be taught—it must be chosen. You can provide everything for a child, and they still not choose to be self-actualized, whereas some children are not given the bottom part of the pyramid, and yet seem to be well self-actualized. The traditional way of interpreting Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs is to make sure all of the bottom tiers are taken care of so that the child is free to focus on the upper tiers, and finally, self-actualization.

    My teacher, Mr. North, suggested that you might look at the pyramid upside-down. Instead of starting with physiological needs and working your way up, you begin with self-actualization, giving the student all that they need to achieve and then in so doing, equip them to have all they need to meet their aesthetic needs, emotional needs, safety, and then physiological needs. I really like this idea as well, going back to the general thought of “give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and feed him for a lifetime.”

    But in looking at Maslow’s theory myself, I would approach it differently. I would instead begin at the middle of the pyramid, and then work out in both directions. The focus should be, in all aspects of raising a child, on esteem and emotional needs. Once these are settled, other things can come into focus without distraction. Education, I believe, was meant to be a tool that came along side parents in raising their children. Today, it is normal for parents to completely abdicate their role in raising the child, and assuming it is the school’s responsibility. While I believe that a school can never fill the role of the parent, and this situation will never be close to ideal without the parent, schools and teachers need to be equipped with ideas to make sure the bottom line is met—that the child is cared for.

    The ideal situation, as seen in my version of Maslow’s theory, would be that the parent is focusing on emotional needs (belonging, loved and loving, and esteem), and then working downward (safety and physiological needs) on the pyramid, as well as upward (aesthetic needs). The school then, begins at the middle (emotional needs), and then works upward, focusing on the aesthetic needs and setting the child up for self-actualization, even though only the child themselves can choose that. Trained teachers can take the child much further than the parents alone, which was how the educational system was intended. But in many families, the safety and physiological needs are also not being met, and so it is important for the school to be aware that they may need to step in and help with these things (school lunches, security—sometimes to even more drastic measures such as foster care).

     

    and so on and so forth for a very long time. :)