October 24, 2009
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Being
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They are everywhere. I walk to the store, and I hear “Tia! Tia! Tem PETI hoje?” yes, yes, I reply, we have Peti today. I had slipped away. I thought it was unnoticed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be there, it was just that I didn’t want to be anywhere. I hit one of those middle spots. Where you are neither here nor there. And just haven’t figured it out yet.
Being. Makes all the difference. Anywhere I go, there is one of the kids. Jogging. Buying juice. trying to be alone because I am tired, and I wish I wasnt feeling that way…but sometimes I do. And the next day they sneak up beside me and say ¨Tia, I saw you yesterday at the bakery.¨ And I smile and say ¨Yes, yes you did.¨ They like to walk with me to my house. because they want to know where I live. I think they are still trying to figure out if I am for real or not. I think I am too. Still trying to figure things out.
My uncle said it was about being. here. I know that. He reminded me of that. Not what I do, but what I am. But it is just so nice to see results. To do things, and see fruit. That doesn’t always happen, and so when it does, I get so happy. But the happy doesn’t last long. The high dies down and I wait for the next thing to do.
Because being is hard. So vague. So uncontrollable. And it is underrated. And lonely. Being is very alone. Very personal. Who are you when there is no one else. When there is no conversation. When there is no laughter. Most often, being is not noticed. Because in this world, you are valued by what you offer, what you have, what you can give me. I am weighing my relationships in my mind—do you have something I want, making this friendship worthwhile? Or are you just going to take, take, take, and drain me empty?
found an old picture from way back when…stars were just the holes to heaven.
