December 4, 2009
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I found this…from another epoch, another time. i can´t remember which time. but it doesn´t matter. it is like i could be writing it right now. again. because the same thing happens every time. the two week line.
it is real. alive. and very http-equiv=”Content-Type” content=”text/html; charset=utf-8″> name=”ProgId” content=”Word.Document”> name=”Generator” content=”Microsoft Word 12″> name=”Originator” content=”Microsoft Word 12″>
near. i crossed the two week line. A VERY BIG REAL line in my head. where i start hiding from the lunchroom and socialization. not really possible to do around Christmas…but…it is like when i know i am leaving the country…why try to start new relationships? why get hurt? ehhhhhhh. something big always happens at the two week line. at least in my mind. i lose it. i re-evaluate my life. i wonder how much it will cost to change/cancel/modify my tickets. i ponder the point to life and realize i still don’t know what the heck i am doing about anything.
i hung out with some of my kids from the youth center. i wonder what my kids will be when they grow up?
answer: they won’t be my kids anymore
i hate life.
some kid grabbed their mom’s hand and said “mommy, can we go home now?” and i almost cried. i swalled it down with a “pathetic Rachel” thought…but…it makes me feel things deep. am i simply being sentimental and not being content with my family? should i just say they are home when…i just don’t feel it? or am i supposed to be reaching, aching, and wanting more? how much does Brasil mean to me anyway?
i think it is true of every stage of life. there comes a moment where you can look back and say “man, if only i had known that was the last time we would be together.” and then you sigh and say “those were the days” or something cliche. i guess listening to all the christmas music makes me nostalgic. or sick.
if you think something, say it. humans are not as dense as we think. if you think something long enough, you don’t have to say it…it is basically transmitted without words. there is so much communication before the mouth is opened. but saying it makes it real. not saying it makes you tied to the same place until you do. or someone dies.
What is real about the whole “God calling” thing. it seems like lately everything i have heard that “God called me to” or “God planned this” has fallen apart. yes i am being overdramatic. WHATEVER. but…does it change? was i wrong? can you simply believe something is God because it seems good and it fits? was it something true in the past but not for the future?
i know…in the middle of all the unknowns…that i was called to Brasil. i just don’t know what that means for the future. i know what i want it to mean, but what i want can change. i am so frustratingly small and…human.
God: eyes open. look for opportunities. i will show you.
(i guess i wrote this around Christmas 2007? feels like now. only switch the countries.)
Comments (1)
For what it’s worth, I used to worry a lot about what my “calling” was. It was then that God began to teach me that He is much more concerned with the man I am becoming than where I am or what I am doing. This world has such a need for men and women of honest character. Our identity doesn’t come from what we do, but who we are in Him. If we don’t understand this, our identity will die along with our ability to fulfill whatever we’ve decided our god has called us to.
“God created man in his own image. And man, being a gentleman, returned the favor.” -Rousseau