May 29, 2010
-
Jewels
“He wants a long song. he wants a fairy tale, for pearls to fall from my lips and awaken in him the things he has forgotten. He wants more than my words, more than my kisses, more than the possession of my body. He wants the parts of me I save for myself–that I cannot give away. The cragy peaks and unfathomable depths of imagination that form the topography of my inner world, which is boundless and untamed and belongs to no one.
But still I lay what I can at his feet. What I give to him is delicate. I have given to the point of feeling empty, but he is still not full. There is not enough love in me. I am too small. He needs a greater love–the love of God–but he is afraid of God and hungry for the answers I cannot possibly give. And he is angry, angry with more than me. He shakes my shoulders, demanding more. And I, like a foolish child, do not leave but try to give more. It helps no one.”
“First love avoids conflict. Young lovers are quick to forgive and forget–perhaps because they love for love’s sake…or maybe because they are somehow aware that they lack the skills necessary to address problems or change behaviors.
First love is delicious and brutal. It is a bright fire that burns both hearts out. First love is all heart: new, raw emotions, with no rational structure on which to hang them. And it is often blind. First-time lovers cannot see condescension and jealousy for the inadequate defences they are. They are somehow flattered by overbearing affection and jealous demands. Young love is a reckless adventure of abandon, a complete surrender to the fullness of emotion.
First love was a wonderful and exhausting time for me. It also felt dangerous, somehow. That my whole life was being consumed. And that if I allowed it to continue, I would never know my life’s purpose. I would never know myself.”
–Jewel, “Chasing Down the Dawn”
