Month: September 2010

  • I couldn’t do it

    I stood in front of the menu at Circle center. I knew it was good. But the veggie burrito was six bucks with tax. And I could get one from Taco Bell for less than two. “It is healthier” I told myself. “You won’t have a chance to eat there soon.” I heard echo from the back of my head. Yep. The back of my head that always remembers…I am leaving, in less than four months. For who knows how long.

    But I couldn’t do it.

    Four extra dollars. four dollars that could feed Iasmine, Marcone, Cezar, and Luanna lunch in Brazil. This is how I look at life.

    I wish it worked for everything. Mostly, I am just like this about money. It is the easiest thing to separate and connect with something I can do to reconcile the differences I see in life. But it works for time too. I can’t do many things because I know they will waste my time, time I know needs to go into preparing for Brazil, or for a better-trained Rachel, so I can do well there.

    Sometimes I go overboard on this, to where I cannot be present and alive HERE. NOW. I have never been one to stay out of both sides of the ditch.

    This was written by someone who went on a mission’s trip and came back. It speaks well:

    “…Excessive American culture. And I’d be lying to you if I said I don’t enjoy it. The honest truth is that I know myself. I know that normal life will quickly pick back up and the temptation will be to forget all I have seen. To move forward without any change. While others around me may wish for me to hurry up and acclimate to normal life again, my fear is that I will too quickly move ahead. That I will forget all I have seen, heard, thouched, smelled, and felt. I am just an all-American girl, consumed with comfort, security, vanity, wealth, and materialism like the “best” of them. In light of who I know I am, I feel compelled to ask that the Lord would perform a miracle on my behalf–that He would keep the emotional wounds that were carved during the past few weeks from healing. That the sharp edge of the sting I feel deep in my soul won’t ever be dulled or alleviated.” –Melissa (from “So Long, Insecurity”)

    I know I am loving it here in the United States. So comfortable and warm. I know I have it good. Sometimes I worry about enjoying it too much, like that is taking away from realities I know are happening today for my kids in Brazil. Other times I am scared that it will make me discontent when I leave, even for a place I love.

    Right now I have arms wide open, future unwritten. Sometimes I sit down and try to write things. I look at my sister, with a family and a home of her own. I want that someday. I don’t know if I could do without some of the things a life in Brazil would ask for. Being so far from family for so long. I don’t know if I could have a family in Brazil. They don’t have dryers. At the same time, I don’t know if I could live without Brazil…

    Thank goodness I don’t have to figure this out today. Instead, I just buy the two dollar burrito. Or…eat leftovers from the back of the fridge.

  • Morning prayer

    Because I woke up early today:). I got this from Beth Moore’s book “So Long, Insecurity.”

    Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed with strength and dignity ; she can laugh at the days to come.”

    I need to wear that today.

    My Father in heaven,

    I thank you for breath this day to give You praise.

    I thank you for a life where nothing is wasted,

    A life where pain turns into purpose and Your providence assigns a personal destiny.

    You will never allow anything in my path that cannot being You glory

    And those around me good.

    No matter what this day holds,

    I am clothed with strength and dignity.

    I have divine strength to overcome every obstacle and all oppression

    Because I belong to Jesus Christ,

    And His Spirit lives within me.

    You, Lord, are my security.

    No one and nothing can take You from me.

    You will keep my foot from being caught in a trap.

    I choose to turn my back on fear because YOu are right here with me.

    I can smile over the days to come because Your plan for me is good and right.

    My heart is steadfast, trusting in You, Lord.

    In the end, I will look in triumph on my foes.

    Because of You I am secure.

    Amen

  • Read this outloud

    By George Matheson

    O Love that wilt not let me go

    I rest my weary soul in thee:

    I give thee back the life I owe,

    That in thine ocean depths its flow

    May richer, fuller be.

    O light that followest all my way,

    I yeild my flickering torch to thee:

    My heart restores its borrowed ray,

    That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day

    May brighter, fairer be.

    O Joy that seekest me through pain,

    I cannot close my heart to thee;

    I trace the rainbow through the rain,

    And feel the promise is not in vain,

    That morn shal tearless be.

    O Cross that liftest up my head,

    I dare not ask to fly from thee;

    I lay in dust life’s glory dead,

    And from the ground there blossoms red

    Life that shall endless be.

  • Half a year!!!

    IMG_5097 Since I won’t be here for my lil nephew’s first birthday, I am celebrating his half birthday. yep yep. Here are some pictures in honor of 6 months.

    IMG_5141 IMG_5135 IMG_5090 ok. Gotta have one crying…he does make interesting faces!IMG_5127 IMG_5114 IMG_5101

    Happy Half Birthday Rowan!

  • Attention all TEACHERS

    I am putting together a “wish list” of things that I would love to have for the Living Stones curriculum. Remember, as much as possible, please give suggestions of hands on things that do not rely on English (because I have to translate all of that) these are the subjects we are covering. If you have any suggestions on supplies/curriculum, books, teaching ideas/things to do, or games for any of them, please let me know!!!!

    1. Rhythm and dance

    2. Character: Loyalty and availability

    3. First aid (things with PICTURES)

    4. Sexuality (healthy development, peer pressure)

    5. Character: Self-control and creativity

    6. Hygene: taking a bath, washing hands, brushing teeth, manners, etiquette

    7. Easter

    8. Character: meekness/gentleness and kindness/generosity

    9. Pollution (water), recycling, gardening

    10. Character: determination and considerate/hospitality/helpfulness

    11. Prejudice and race

    12. Character: truthfulness and thankfulness/gratitude

    13. Character: compassionate and respect

    14. Math/logic games (what are they?) money skills

    15. Character: flexibility/cooperation and responsibility

    16. history of communication/transportation

    17. Character: love/caring and attentiveness

    18. Biomes, rural/urban, professions/community workers

    19. Character: enthusiasm and sensitivity

    20. Character: security and sincerity/integrity

    21. Games that teach team spirit, making up your own games

    22. Character: Dependability and forgiveness

    23. Christmas

    24. Emotions 

    25. Family relationships

    26. Communication skills/expressing yourself

    27. Autonomy

    28. Self-esteem

  • Lucky

    Perfect weather. Starring up at the sky, watching the plane cross from one side to the other, then turning cartwheels. My cartwheels are getting rather good.

    Living Stones. Our goal is to LEND:

    Love

    Education

    Nutrition

    Direction

    I don’t know where this study was done/if it is all true, but it makes you think:

    http://www.csus.edu/indiv/o/oreyd/papers/earthpop.html

     If Earth’s population was shrunk into a village of just 100 people with all the human ratios existing in the world still remaining — what would this tiny, diverse village look like?

    This is what he found:

    57 would be Asian.
    21 would be European.
    14 would be from the Western Hemisphere.
    8 would be African.
    52 would be female.
    48 would be male.
    70 would be nonwhite.
    30 would be white.
    70 would be non-Christian.
    30 would be Christian.
    89 would be heterosexual.
    11 would be homosexual.
    6 people would possess 59 percent of the entire world’s wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States.
    80 would live in substandard housing.
    70 would be unable to read.
    50 would suffer from malnutrition.
    1 would be near death.
    1 would be pregnant.
    1 would have a college education.
    1 would own a computer.

    If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep…you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace…you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.

    Lucky me.

  • Nuns and Change

    Fun book. Too bad I don’t have time to read it. I just like to sap all the good information out.

    “Only Nuns Change Habits Overnight” by Karen Scalf Linamen

    52 Amazing ways to master the art of personal change

    1. Learn from the past

    2. Draw your own onion: list changes you want to make, from easiest to hardest

    3. Revisit those ashes (of dreams/relationships/ideas that died)

    4. Don’t despise small changes

    5. Make a list of your doorways (things that cause discontent/pain–these are doorways to change)

    6. Lay a brick today (write down a couple castles in the air. write 10 things you could do as bricks for a foundation for that castle. Circle one and do it today.)

    7. Keep your dreams in front of you. Like on the wall.

    8. Color outside the lines. Think about why you DON’T do things. Is there a real reason?

    9. Inspire yourself. What inspires you? Expose yourself to that this week.

    10. Make it official. That change? Make the decision. Now.

    11. Make one ironclad decision today

    12. Turn an idea into a decision

    13. Tell a cheerleader. or someone like it.

    14. Watch an inspiring movie (mine would be “Life is Beautiful”)

    15. Expose yourself to bigger ideas

    16. Leave your world and visit someone else’s for a while

    17. Take a class

    18. Borrow some great habits. Find six people who have made the change you want to make and ask them how.

    19. Build on past success

    20. Name one thing you would love to change

    21. Keep a journal

    22. Practice the three Ds to form a new habit: Decide, Discipline, Determination

    23. Go overboard

    24. Disrupt a well-worn rut

    25. Get your ducks in a row

    26. Read “Eat that Frog!” by Brian Tracy…about getting “addicted” to the feeling of accomplishment

    27. Take advantage of a to-do list (a really cool one is at www.karenlinamen.com , download the amazing to-do list)

    28. Don’t ask, “Why?” Ask, “What?” Not “Why am i putting this off?” but “What emotion do i feel when i think about tackling this project?”

    29. Try the sitcom solution: devote 30 minutes a day to your change

    30. Disengage your brain. Stop over thinking

    31. Hire an antiprocrastination assistant

    32. Take baby steps

    33. Try something new today

    34. Brainstorm new approaches

    35. Recognize the upside of failure

    36. Ban the phrase “I’m a failure” from your vocabulary

    37. Memorize this: “Finish each day and be done with it.”

    38. Ask yourself “So what can I do?”

    39. Pray

    40. Keep track of God’s activity–what He’s done in your life

    41. Weigh yourself–what is weighing you down? let go

    42. Tell yourself you are not a victim

    43. Decide, starting today, that you won’t be held back

    44. Show your emotions who is boss

    45. Out with the bad, in with God

    46. Have some faith

    47. Write affirmations on the bathroom mirror

    48. Read a really great book

    49. Create your own adversity-buster resume

    50. Create a slogan sign for your change

    51. Read Psalm 57

    52. Train them dogs (you know, the white dog/black dog that you feed one and it is stronger so it wins…)

    She also wrote a book called “Sometimes i wake up grumpy…and sometimes i let him sleep.” it is pretty funny stuff.

  • First paper of the semester

    Well, first one that really counts. Probably why I am proud of myself and posting it. The novelty will wear off soon, and then you won’t be subjected to reading. So don’t read it if you don’t want to.

    Repression is a part of Utopia. “Utopia,” from the word “u” (or ou), meaning “no,” and “topia,” meaning “place.” A “no place” that holds our dreams and ideas of a perfect and harmonious world. But a perfect world means there is nothing imperfect. One thing out of place or in disharmony, and utopia has turned into dystopia. Either people are somehow transformed to not be able to be imperfect, or they continue in imperfection,  and the disharmony/imperfection is somehow repressed. That repression can come from outer or inner sources.

    The word “repression” does not seem to have a place in the lovely image we conjure of utopia. It is looked down upon as distasteful, or even evil. In Jameson’s article The Politics of Utopia, utopia for liberals is code for socialism, while for conservatives it is synonymous with totalitarianism. Both of these ideas refer to repression, whether to repression of the wealthy, or repression of the general populous.

    Jameson suggests two basic ideas of Utopia. One focusing on daily life, and the other (as seen in More and Plato) in removing the “root of all evil.” One way of removing evil is done by repressing private property. If everything is shared, repressing the capitalistic idea, utopia will be closer in sight—or at least farther away from greed.

    Jameson points out that this form of utopia is really just wish-fulfillment. But in every wish that you wish for, doesn’t that exclude other wishes? Making a choice FOR something is making a choice AGAINST everything else. Even in the simple idea of marriage (in general society), it is choosing one person, and then repressing desires (or at least actions) toward all others.

    The idea that utopia involves repression is closely linked with Jameson’s quote of Marin’s idea of the negative—that “Utopia is somehow negative; its function lies not in helping us to imagine a better future but rather in demonstrating our utter incapacity to imagine such a future…to reveal the ideological closure of the system in which we are somehow trapped and confined.”

    Identifying repression is looking at utopia negatively, and realizing that maybe that isn’t so bad. Perhaps repression can be a tool used for betterment. Perhaps we have created a negative context for something that can be beneficial. Each person’s utopia looks different. If my utopia involves working because it brings me pleasure, and for John Doe it does not involve work because work is enslavement, a collective utopia would, in some form, involve repression to some extent, since our ideas are incompatible.

    Jameson proposes “neither a choice between these extremes nor some ‘synthesis’ of them; but rather a stubbornly negative relationship to both…by way of negation, to grasp the moment of truth of each term.” This is related to negative dialectics by Adorno, which is complicated (at least for me), but is basically that what does not fit is carefully evaluated and involved in the discussion, while not synthesized.

    Negative dialectics is very utopian, feeling distant from actuality. In utopian thought, two worlds are often created. The first being the utopian state, where there is no need for repression because not only do they have all that they need, but they recognize that they have all they need. They are desire-less.

    The second world is the best possible state working with what we have toward a utopia. This requires repression because even if everyone has what they need, they might not think that they do. Repression in this state may come from outer sources: “Yes, you do have all you need, so shut up.” Or inner, personal repression: “I know I have all I need, but I don’t feel like I do, but I will just repress those feelings.” Or “I didn’t get what I needed, but I will shut up and comply because I don’t want to…”

    Jameson introduces the idea of the terror of obliteration; that in order to make the jump from present reality to utopia, you have to let go of all of the past. Like the “science-fictional figure…is warned that salvation will be possible only at the price of allowing the entire personality…to be wiped away without a trace.” The past is repressed, forgotten, let go of—for the idea of the future.

    The last idea that Jameson introduces is that the fear of utopia is linked with the loss of desire: once in a perfect world, you won’t need anything. If there is no more desire, since all our needs are met, there is no need for repression. This then, seems to ask another question: if I have no desires, am I still human? If I am changed into someone that cannot be imperfect (so as to mess up utopia), repression is not needed, but then neither is utopia.

    Marcuse, in his article The End of Utopia, discusses the current repression in society, and how “individuals reproduce repressive society in their needs.” Society naturally evolves their needs based on what they are used to, and they carry these needs into the next society, taking the repression with them. A break is needed with utopia, but would that lead to the end of repression?

    In class we discussed how it is important to change the outside as well as the inside—and at the same time—to create utopia. “Unless you change everything, everything doesn’t change t all.” Outside, the needs are supplied, and inside is changed to it is REALIZED that all the needs are supplied.

    If we drew everyone’s needs on the board, each represented by a circle, would the circles overlap to find common needs, so as to make meeting these needs possible, or is it necessary to repress the needs of some to meet the needs of others? Utopia is not utilitarianism, “the greatest good for the greatest number,” it is “the greatest good for all.”

    In historical versions of utopia, such as Lycurgus’s Sparta, repression was everywhere. Money was repressed,  replaced with iron; the arts were repressed, to bring forth more creative “useful” power; eating alone was repressed, for it was all in common; singleness was repressed, but so was monogamy. Every part of daily life was detailed, with a proper way to do it, and repression of anything else.

    Plato’s Republic had many of the same ideas, repressing the whole idea of “mine” and “not mine.” There were very specific virtues that rulers needed, and if you did not have those, you did not rule. Vices were repressed (except if useful for the greater good), and proper breeding was important, so if you were not the best, your reproduction skills would be repressed.

    “Until philosophers are kings…and political greatness and wisdom meet in one, and those commoner natures who pursue either to the exclusion of the other are compelled to stand aside, cities will never have rest from their evils.” Plato’s “compelled to stand aside,” a very basic part toward utopia, is repression, pure and simple. 

    In Politics, it is pointed out that “democratic states have instituted ostracism; equality is above all things their aim, and therefore they ostracized and banished from the city for a time those who seemed to predominate too much.” If anyone was “exceptional,” they were removed, or repressed. There are two choices when faced with someone who is “above” the rest: expel them or make them king.

    Aristotle states that a large middle class is desirable because anyone who is exceptional—exceptionally rich or poor, intelligent or dumb—“finds it difficult to follow rational principle. Of these two the one sort grow into violent and great criminals, the others into rogues and petty rascals.” Phocylides said “Many things are best in the mean; I desire to be of a middle condition in my city.”

    Looking at these historical views of utopia, there is strong use of repression in every aspect. And their resulting utopia, doesn’t look very utopian anymore: it looks desire-less and middle blah. I don’t know of any child who says “I want to grow up to be middle class and average!”

    My favorite suggestion was from Marcuse who says that to break with present realities and move toward utopia requires “the simple refusal to take part in the blessings of the “affluent society.” (As seen in some of the beatnik and hippie movements). Refusing—or repressing—the affluence that could easily be theirs led to positive change. Looking at great men and women who made a difference in history, there is a commonality among them: they turned down, or repressed their desires for many other things. They were focused, driven, and would not be distracted by other options to complete their goals.

    Perhaps repression has a place in positive thinking. Perhaps a negation of dialectics is not ending in negativity, but in two negatives creating a positive. Perhaps repression has a place in utopia after all.

     

     

  • I am Eating string cheese

    The first time I ever had string cheese was at Grandma and Grandpa Winzeler’s house. I think I managed to make it last half an hour, stringing each piece into multiple smaller pieces. Then came the drought in my life for string cheese–didn’t have it for years. And now it is back…the perfect college classroom snack. Except when I get too involved with the string cheese and realize I haven’t listened to the lecture for awhile.

    It costs 21.1 cents a minute to call a Brazilian cell phone through skype. 12 minutes can make my day. (For some reason, my conversations are normally 12 minutes. This is not a proven statistic, just a general observation). I talked to Patricia about Living Stones today. The past two weeks, food has arrived and they have been able to have a full day program. Things are going great. She asked if I could do a huge favor and bring down the self-sticking foam shapes the next time I come. Out of all the things in the world, she wants foam shapes:). I got to tell her the good news–that over half the money for the Living Stones Children’s day party has been raised.

    She stopped talking for a minute and then said she got the goosebumps. She gets them whenever God is moving. She gets them a lot. So excited, she then begins profusely thanking me…which always makes me feel sad, because there are so many other people who should be hearing that joy, that gratitude–that have made it possible, not me.

    12 minutes makes all the difference. And string cheese.

    “When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.” –Mary Oliver

     

  • It is nice to sit and watch someone discover the world

    Rachel babysits Rowan, version 1.2. This is my second official babysitting. The first time that it included being at Anna’s house which included eating her ice cream. 

    He drooled a lot. Then he leaked and wet my pants. I couldn’t get his shirt off and he gave me the “you are worse at this than I thought” look. Then he started crying and I almost started crying because I don’t know how I managed for him to be almost half a year old without changing his diaper. And there was poop. It has been a long time since I changed a diaper. Some of the kids who’s diapers I used to change are now in college. But I did change Rowan’s diaper. And we both decided that he preferred to stay naked after that. Clothes are overrated. Then we went outside and talked about things.

    Now he is playing in the trash. He is trying to swallow his fingers. I bet bulimics got the idea from babies.

    He found my soft spot. Erica knows my soft spot too, but don’t ask her to tell. That is cheating. If Rowan laughs, I will do whatever it takes to make it happen again. While I won’t go all the way and say that babies are cute, I must say truthfully that babies do cute things. There wasn’t anything I can think of cuter than when Rowan looked up from crawling around in the grass and smiled with a face full of leaves.

    Fun fact about Rachel: I like rolling over leaves. I like stepping on them and hearing the crunch sound, but I like it even better on a bike. Crunch crunch. Happens faster. But beware of leaf-looking rocks. They are out there. They don’t go crunch. They make you go crunch. Today, it was a leaf-looking piece of pizza. It didn’t crunch, it just made me laugh because I had rolled over a piece of pizza.

    The teacher in health class asked how many drinks it took to get me tipsy. Most everyone said three, so I said two. I don’t know. I’ve never been tipsy. But I am sure it wouldn’t take much. A guy at supercamp said that me never being tipsy was on the other side of the ditch (he was on the other other side). He said I needed moderation. He asked me to promise to tell him when I would get tipsy, because he wanted to be there. I am better at abstinance than moderation.

    There are three left handers in fencing class. We have to special lefthanded equipment. I was the only left-hander that showed up today. I make the righties nervous. I make myself nervous. Not only did I get in the minority left handed group of life, I also got into the “I am in college and can’t tell my right from my left” group. Do they have that group on facebook? I should join. I still have to make my hand into the “L” shape…not on my forehead.