September 23, 2010
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I couldn’t do it
I stood in front of the menu at Circle center. I knew it was good. But the veggie burrito was six bucks with tax. And I could get one from Taco Bell for less than two. “It is healthier” I told myself. “You won’t have a chance to eat there soon.” I heard echo from the back of my head. Yep. The back of my head that always remembers…I am leaving, in less than four months. For who knows how long.
But I couldn’t do it.
Four extra dollars. four dollars that could feed Iasmine, Marcone, Cezar, and Luanna lunch in Brazil. This is how I look at life.
I wish it worked for everything. Mostly, I am just like this about money. It is the easiest thing to separate and connect with something I can do to reconcile the differences I see in life. But it works for time too. I can’t do many things because I know they will waste my time, time I know needs to go into preparing for Brazil, or for a better-trained Rachel, so I can do well there.
Sometimes I go overboard on this, to where I cannot be present and alive HERE. NOW. I have never been one to stay out of both sides of the ditch.
This was written by someone who went on a mission’s trip and came back. It speaks well:
“…Excessive American culture. And I’d be lying to you if I said I don’t enjoy it. The honest truth is that I know myself. I know that normal life will quickly pick back up and the temptation will be to forget all I have seen. To move forward without any change. While others around me may wish for me to hurry up and acclimate to normal life again, my fear is that I will too quickly move ahead. That I will forget all I have seen, heard, thouched, smelled, and felt. I am just an all-American girl, consumed with comfort, security, vanity, wealth, and materialism like the “best” of them. In light of who I know I am, I feel compelled to ask that the Lord would perform a miracle on my behalf–that He would keep the emotional wounds that were carved during the past few weeks from healing. That the sharp edge of the sting I feel deep in my soul won’t ever be dulled or alleviated.” –Melissa (from “So Long, Insecurity”)
I know I am loving it here in the United States. So comfortable and warm. I know I have it good. Sometimes I worry about enjoying it too much, like that is taking away from realities I know are happening today for my kids in Brazil. Other times I am scared that it will make me discontent when I leave, even for a place I love.
Right now I have arms wide open, future unwritten. Sometimes I sit down and try to write things. I look at my sister, with a family and a home of her own. I want that someday. I don’t know if I could do without some of the things a life in Brazil would ask for. Being so far from family for so long. I don’t know if I could have a family in Brazil. They don’t have dryers. At the same time, I don’t know if I could live without Brazil…
Thank goodness I don’t have to figure this out today. Instead, I just buy the two dollar burrito. Or…eat leftovers from the back of the fridge.
