“If you can worry, you can meditate. It is turning something over and over in your mind. You keep coming back to it. When you receive information that matters to you, you can’t help meditating on it. Like finding out a guy likes you and what the heck are you going to do about it.” –”The Me I want to Be”

So as you can see, I am finally catching up on everything I have been thinking about the past couple of weeks. It is like an explosion of xanga posts. Sorry about that. I am sure it would be better in small doses.

“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.” –Paulo Coelho (I re-read the “Alchemist.” Goodness.)

I don’t know how to live in the world of spoken words and cold hard facts–or in the world of the unseen, felt without touch, and language without words. The world without words seems deceptive. Like it teases me right out of reality. It is unstable, unpredictable, and the moment you call it to action, it slips through your fingers. It makes a fool out of you, but then whispers so sweetly that you cannot deny it. it is the world of faith, hope, and love, but it seems utterly useless in the face of hunger, bitterness, and pain.

If I wait for the unspoken to be said, life will pass me by. I have one life to live and I want to do it well–step out on air to fall or fly. In the world of unspoken I have three choices: trust others, trust myself, and/or trust God. I have already learned to be careful of trusting others or myself. But I need to learn about God and me. How does it work? When I am talking to God, how much of it is God and how much of it is me? Who is talking back? Do I simply attribute the good things to God and the bad to me? Show me how it works, God.

The world of the unspoken needs to sit and wait until it is ready to be revealed. It is too big to fit into words. It has to simmer down until words can be matched.

“Why do you want to know the future?”

“So I can change those things i don’t want to happen.”

“But then they won’t be part of your future.”

“Well, maybe I just want to know the future so I can prepare myself for what is coming.”

“If good things are coming, they will be a pleasant surprise, if bad things are, and you know in advance, you will suffer greatly before they even occur.” –Paulo Coelho

“I’m a desert woman, and I’m proud of that. I want my husband to wander as free as the wind that shapes the dunes. And, if I have to, I will accept the fact that he has become a part of the clouds…explain the meaning of love without ownership…if you don’t follow your personal legend…you’ll walk the sands of the desert, thinking that maybe you could have left…that you could have trusted more in your love for ____. Because what kept you was your own fear. You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his personal legend.” –”Alchemist”

Don’t say a word

Or the spell will break

Throwing rocks at a mango tree

And maybe a piece will fall

Into your hands or onto the dirt

Missing it, laying bruised on the ground

The thin bones of a ribcage

Protruding from discare

A life that begs the asking

“Does anyone love you?”

A midnight call for help

Hands tied behind my back

Out of fear or wisdom

Does it matter which?

If you were a bit slower, kinder

And waited a bit longer

The end of resistance would come

A bit faster

I miss you and

You haven’t even left

Naming the Ambiguities and Tensions & A Spirituality Fit for the Margins:

“There are people who are victims and others who exploit, but even then the stories are often messier and the histories are more convoluted than they first appear. If forming friendships with exploited people is important to us, we will be drawn into complicated situations. We will probably get splashed with some of the ambiguity and uncertainty.”

“As Christians, we long to bring healing to broken circumstances and to be instruments of God’s reconciling and healing work. Americans tend to take that a step further and expect to be able to solve problems quickly, on our terms with our tools. But that assumes a level of power and control that is sometimes unavailable and often inappropriate. “

“The poorer a person is, old or sick, with a severe mental handicap or close to death, the more the cry is solely for communion and for friendship. The more then the heart of the person who hears the cry, and responds to it, is awoken.” –Jean Vanier

“The ones who will be able to resist evil and offer hope are those who are morally and spiritually tender, deeply committed to holiness and integrity, and aware of their own frailty and dependence on Christ. Most Christians want and expect success stories and clean categories. Missionaries and urban workers rarely find the freedom in church to talk about their deepest challenges or uncertainties. A disturbing number of congregations make it clear (non-verbally, but it is felt) that they don’t really want people whose lives are a mess (especially after they have become Christians), who aren’t cured of their problems quickly and completely, or who don’t successfully escape troubled circumstances.”

(A song writer working with the poor asked) What kind of songs can child victims of human trafficking—kids forced to prostitute and former child soldiers—sing? What does worship sound like in their mouths? How do they proclaim the goodness of God when that goodness seems so far from their experience? Could we find the courage to sing the songs they’d write? Could we find new expressions of worship written by the victims of evil and exploitation?”

“We cannot do ‘whatever it takes.’ In fact, we can never commit ourselves to whatever it takes. How we get to the goal is often as important as that we get there. If we do whatever it takes, our tools eventually become indistinguishable from the practices we thought we were resisting. The way we take on evil and exploitation matters…To live within some of these ambiguities requires a purity of heart that is not afraid of the tensions and difficulties and is not naïve about the human capacity for evil.”

“Unless our daily experience includes friendship with people who are poor or exploited, it is easy to romanticize those relationships. The reality requires honesty about the challenges and humility to recognize our limitations…People who have been exploited need more than a single friendship. They need to be welcomed into a network of friendships and relationships where their presence and gifts matter to the community and where various members of the community can walk with them toward healing.” (Sounds like a good definition of what ‘church’ should be.)

“A wise friend once observed that we are most likely to worry about the people we see first thing in the morning. If we live in comfortable circumstances, we need to make decisions to plant one foot in another world. Only then will we keep friends in mind as we make our choices each day.”

“God’s work of healing and reconciliation is mysterious, costly, and wonderful. Being able to participate in it through the mutuality of friendship is a surprising and life-giving gift. Journeying into places of suffering, abuse and abandonment takes its toll, but together with friends, we find a way forward, stumbling into the open arms of a loving God.”  

What to do:

A.      There is always more to the story than you know. And it is messy—Love anyway.

B.      You can’t fix it. Give the power and control back to God.

C.      Be spiritually ready for the ambiguities and uncertainties that come in life by being tender and humble, committed to holiness and dependent on God.

D.      Evaluate how you are reaching your objectives. The end does not justify the means. Be wise about your own frailty and tendency towards sin.

E.       Be (or begin) part of a community that can have and offer these mutual friendships.

F.    Seek out those who are in need.

Mutuality in Mission:

“We were caught off guard when some of the kids warned us about an other Christian group. They explained to use how the group leveraged food for faith, and readily described the techniques the group used to get the Christian message across. We hadn’t expected our young friends to be insightful and articulate about evangelistic methodology. But they translated back to us how they perceived Christian efforts in mission and created for us another layer of accountability. Allowing friends who live in the margins to inform us about how they experienced some approaches to social ministry and mission helped us recognize what was off-center in our own work and when our attempts at love might come across as manipulative or misinformed. “

“Many of these folks dwell in what have been called the “over-evangelized, under-Christianized” communities. They have heard lots about Jesus, but they haven’t often seen him. When communities have been saturated with missional activity but the good news has not been embodied by a consistent presence of love and concern, folks know that they have been targets of one more program. And most of us resent being “targets,” no matter how well intentioned the effort might be.”

“When our relationship with God is so compelling to us that we invite others to experience the same kind of life-giving relationship, we are in mission…It’s not that words are insignificant, but when detached from relationship, they can be quite difficult to hear and comprehend. In situations where persons have been brutalized or have suffered at the hands of others, words of comfort, hope, and promise—unaccompanied by presence and action—are small comfort indeed.

“We need the poor more than the poor need us.” –Mother Teresa

“When we start fiddling with the notion that resources don’t only flow in one direction, when we find grace and wisdom and gifts in persons who are poor and/or non-Christian, it is disorienting. It forces us to think a little more fully about the image of God in all humanity, about our own neediness and incompleteness, and about how God saves and transforms us… Making sure that each person has a place in community and an opportunity to contribute is important for all of us”

“We will never believe we have anything to give unless there is someone who is able to receive. Indeed, we discover our gifts in the eyes of the receiver.” –Henri Nouwen

What to do:

A.      Do it and then say it. Faith without works is dead.

B.      They can “read” you well. Be sincere. Don’t try to put a band-aid on a severed hand.

C.      For every need there is a person who needs to give to that need. The relationship is reciprocal.

D.      Ask yourself these questions: Could I invite my friends who are poor into my home and lifestyle and have a good time with them? Would I be ashamed of my comforts or expenditures? Is the embarrassment I feel an expression of my conflicted commitments and divided loyalties?

Reconnecting Righteousness and Justice through Friendships:

“Is there a way we can help in bringing an end to such outrageous expressions of evil and injustice (modern slavery and sexual exploitation of children)? We could start with not buying products that make sexuality and sexual experience a joke. It wouldn’t do much for the little boys in Sri Lanka—at least not immediately. But perhaps by paying closer attention to advertizing and entertainment, and to how morally callous we’ve become, we’d see things a little differently. When those little boys and girls (that are exploited) are our friends, and they bear the scars of sexual misuse, it makes us take a second look at how our imaginations have been shaped by careless views of sex and power.”

“We rarely think about how our minor lifestyle choices in the things we buy, the movies we choose, the language we use and the activities we find enjoyable have anything to do with other people’s pain and suffering. Sometimes there is a very direct line of connection, as in drug use; sometimes it is much less explicit, as in the slow callusing that comes from trivializing of sexual intimacy. But even distant connections can be very explicit and personal. It is more likely to happen when our friendships create personal pathways between wealth and poverty, and between vulnerability and power…while we may not be able to break free entirely from buying products made under unjust circumstances, we can make many decisions that will matter.”

“For many years, Mother Teresa was criticized for not taking on the causes of poverty as she addressed some of the symptoms. But the symptoms she cared for every day had names and faces and stories, and their particular lives and dying were better because she cared. It’s not either-or. Global injustice and human need are so big that all sorts of responses are needed.”

“Friendships with people who are poor or vulnerable can challenge our arrogance in thinking we know how to fix their circumstances. Our sweeping critiques of multinational corporations become more nuanced when friends are grateful for their jobs and proud of their products. Friendships undermine our tendency to locate the problem “out there” and try to fix it at a distance. And friendships give an urgency to our work for justice, to our search for ways to affect the decisions of multinationals and governments. Friends who are poor challenge our lifestyles of consumption when they build generous and gracious lives out of very few material resources. When we get to know people who are vulnerable, we are challenged to take more seriously the power and opportunities we have. Can we more consistently use our training and skills for human good?

What to do:

1. Ask God to break our callousness towards sexuality and view it in a healthy, spiritual light.
2. Reevaluate our entertainment choices. Is it something that is contributing to the trivializing of sexuality, and so making sexual exploitation something that is more easily swept under the rug?
3.  Buy used clothing (and whatever else). This is recycling, is not supporting sweat shops, and gives jobs to people who need it.
4. Put a tax on yourself: whenever you buy new clothes (like at the GAP or really—most everywhere else) at a place that uses labor paid unfairly, add a “tax” of a donation to a ministry in that country that will be there to help those people.
5. Take a time off from buying things: a month, six months, a year where you will only use the clothes you already have.
6. Be a generous tipper. Make sure someone’s take-home pay is at least minimum wage.

“Friendship at the Margins” by Christopher Heuertz and Christine Pohl. Heuertz started a missions program called Word Made Flesh—you should check them out online. I have great respect for this ministry, and their special calling to the poor, children, and women trapped in prostitution. They have a great magazine (that you should get) called “The Cry.” Personally, I think everyone should read this book, especially if you have heart for missions. It tells it like it is. I had so many parts underlined that I divided it into four parts, and at the end of each, I put (in my own words) a summary/action thing.

The Vocation of Relationship:

“We were looking for a model that connected mission to everyday life and that located mission and ministry within community. We quickly discovered that for us this would mean moving back and forth between multiple worlds, not being specialists but dwelling with and becoming bridges between several communities.”

Moving from career, community and cause to friendship: “We hope that many of our staff members will see their work in WMF as a long-term calling. We grieve the loss of staff who serve with us for a number of years and then move on to other things. We often feel as if we’ve lost family members in their departures. We’ve also increasingly learned that the vulnerable women and children among whom we serve cannot afford another painful goodbye in the sad series of losses that characterize their lives.”

“We’ve discovered that our commitment to community building requires fidelity over time. The work is slow, small, and often undramatic. We’ve learned that short-term models of mission—whether in the form of week-long missions trips or one-or-two-year commitments to serve—might be workable in certain situations, but in ministry with the most vulnerable people, a community has to be prepared to stay. It takes years to build the kind of relationships that result in transformation.”

“Learning to see the so-called “other” as a friend increases our sensitivity to the reductionism, commodification, and manipulation that plague some versions of mission and ministry. Human beings who are not Christians are far more than potential converts. We are better able to resist tendencies to reductionism when we are in relationships that affirm each person’s dignity and identity and when we come into those relationships confident that God is already at work in the other person… If we want people to experience the kingdom of God and to dwell with God for eternity, then how they experience their relationship with us should be a foretaste of that goodness and beauty. “

“Locating friendship at the heart of mission involves certain assumptions—that reconciliation with God is something for which every human being is made and that relationships are reciprocal…we came to understand that we were not ministering “to” our friends, but in ministry “among” them. We ourselves were being ministered to as authentic and humanizing relationships emerged…Gradually we realized that even more than we wanted to “minister” to our friends, we wanted to be in community with them.”

“It was hard to think of our friends primarily as potential converts or as a target audience. We became uncertain about what it might mean to keep statistics on our successes…Enthralled by Jesus’ goodness and beauty, we want everyone to know him. But we don’t want to compromise the integrity of Jesus’ goodness or our friendships by using them strategically.”

Confronting our idealism: “A model of mission focused on relationship, friendship, and reconciliation generated a lot of positive momentum at the start. But the actual reality of forming friendships was more complicated…we were astonished when Maya, one of our friends, betrayed us. She was the first, but other women followed, robbing the home and then fleeing. Another new friend had disappeared into the night. We rarely saw them again. Our idealism in offering friendship started wearing thin, but our experience of Christ’s love and his love for each person compelled us to keep at it.”

Surprised by how long things take: “Nearly fifteen years later, many of our friends who had experienced trauma and abuse are still struggling to find wholeness. Long-term friendships have shown that there isn’t a quick fix or an easy answer to their pain. Recovery may well take a lifetime. Can we remain faithful to our friends who have trusted us with the most vulnerable parts of their lives?”

(When we talk about our friends to others, or write letters) can we imagine the letters being read by the people among whom we serve? Will we be able to resist turning them into  the “flesh and blood” stories for a cause that will bring attention and advocacy on their behalf? It is tempting to capture a portion of human experience at the expense of the whole to accomplish some other purpose. Hunger, exploitation or need may be part of someone’s experience, but it does not define them. It can be very helpful to imagine that those about whom you are speaking are in your presence. “

“Don’t tell someone about Christ unless you’re willing to give them your bed.” Jackie Pullinger

“If we’re really inviting someone into the family of God, then they become our family as well. (About a Muslim who has been friends with him for years): I pray God’s best for him in all things, that he would find in Christ a friendship that is unlike anything he has experienced. And yet I trust that our friendship has given him glimpses and signs of hope that this is possible.”

What to do:

1. Be in for the long haul. It might take a long time to discover your calling, or how it is worked out in your life, but be dedicated to the relationships in your life.
2. People can’t see God. They see you. Represent well. Your friendship should be a representation of a relationship with God.
3. While representing or advocating for others, present them in the same manner that you would if they were standing next to you. Don’t sensationalize things for the attention it gains.
4. Review your definition of  “success.” Is it the same as God’s definition? Success and failure are not permanent.
5. God never gives up on us. That is the example we have for others. Healing takes time. Embrace the fact that you might never see the whole picture/result.

I love these random personality tests and stuff. This one is called an enneagram. You can take the test here:

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_sample_36.asp?discover

Here was my results. Rather right on.

1. THE REFORMER
Enneagram Type One

The Rational, Idealistic Type:
Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic  

Type One in Brief

Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

• Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective
• Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced
• Enneagram One with a Nine-Wing: “The Idealist”
• Enneagram One with a Two-Wing: “The Advocate”

Key Motivations: Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.

The Meaning of the Arrows (in brief)

When moving in their Direction of Disintegration (stress), methodical Ones suddenly become moody and irrational at Four. However, when moving in their Direction of Integration (growth), angry, critical Ones become more spontaneous and joyful, like healthy Sevens. For more information, click here.

Examples: Mahatma Gandhi, Hilary Clinton, Al Gore, John Paul II, Elliot Spitzer , Sandra Day O’Connor, John Bradshaw, Bill Moyers, Martha Stewart, Ralph Nader, Katherine Hepburn, Harrison Ford, Vanessa Redgrave, Jane Fonda, Meryl Streep, George Harrison, Celene Dion, Joan Baez, George Bernard Shaw, Noam Chomsky, Michael Dukakis, Margaret Thatcher, Rudolph Guliani, Jerry Brown, Jane Curtin, Gene Siskel, William F. Buckley, Kenneth Starr, The “Church Lady” (Saturday Night Live), and “Mr. Spock” (Star Trek).

Type One Overview

We have named personality type One The Reformer because Ones have a “sense of mission” that leads them to want to improve the world in various ways, using whatever degree of influence they have. They strive to overcome adversity—particularly moral adversity—so that the human spirit can shine through and make a difference. They strive after “higher values,” even at the cost of great personal sacrifice.

History is full of Ones who have left comfortable lives to do something extraordinary because they felt that something higher was calling them. During the Second World War, Raoul Wallenburg left a comfortable middle-class life to work for the protection of thousands of European Jews from invading Nazis. In India, Gandhi left behind his wife and family and life as a successful lawyer to become an itinerant advocate of Indian independence and non-violent social changes. Joan of Arc left her village in France to restore the throne to the Dauphin and to expel the English from the country. The idealism of each of these Ones has inspired millions.

Ones are people of practical action—they wish to be useful in the best sense of the word. On some level of consciousness, they feel that they “have a mission” to fulfill in life, if only to try their best to reduce the disorder they see in their environment.

Although Ones have a strong sense of purpose, they also typically feel that they have to justify their actions to themselves, and often to others as well. This orientation causes Ones to spend a lot of time thinking about the consequences of their actions, as well as about how to keep from acting contrary to their convictions. Because of this, Ones often persuade themselves that they are “head” types, rationalists who proceed only on logic and objective truth. But, the real picture is somewhat different: Ones are actually activists who are searching for an acceptable rationale for what they feel they must do. They are people of instinct and passion who use convictions and judgments to control and direct themselves and their actions.

In the effort to stay true to their principles, Ones resist being affected by their instinctual drives, consciously not giving in to them or expressing them too freely. The result is a personality type that has problems with repression, resistance, and aggression. They are usually seen by others as highly self- controlled, even rigid, although this is not how Ones experience themselves. It seems to them that they are sitting on a cauldron of passions and desires, and they had better “keep the lid on” lest they and everyone else around them regret it.

Cassandra is a therapist in private practice who recalls the difficulty this caused her in her youth.

“I remember in high school getting feedback that I had no feelings. Inside, I felt my feelings intensely and yet I just couldn’t let them out as intensely as I felt them. Even now, if I have a conflict with a friend and need to address an issue, I rehearse ahead of time how to express clearly what I want, need, and observe, and yet, not be harsh or blaming in my anger which is often scathing.”

Ones believe that being strict with themselves (and eventually becoming “perfect”) will justify them in their own eyes and in the eyes of others. But by attempting to create their own brand of perfection, they often create their own personal hell. Instead of agreeing with the statement in Genesis that God saw what He had created, “and it was good,” Ones intensely feel that “It wasn’t—there obviously have been some mistakes here!” This orientation makes it difficult for them to trust their inner guidance—indeed, to trust life—so Ones come to rely heavily on their superego, a learned voice from their childhood, to guide them toward “the greater good” which they so passionately seek. When Ones have gotten completely entranced in their personality, there is little distinction between them and this severe, unforgiving voice. Separating from it and seeing its genuine strengths and limitations is what growth for Ones is about.

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeOne.asp 

Ones attempt to control or repress their anger and instinctual energy. They feel that they must stay in control of themselves, especially of their instinctual impulses and angry feelings at all times. They would like to direct these energies according to the dictates of their highly developed inner critic (superego), the source of their strictures on themselves and others.

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/intro.asp