Month: June 2011

  • Day 12: Cheating

    Technically, I didn’t write this. I took it all from Phileena Heuertz’s book called “Pilgrimage of a Soul.” But I read the book, underlined it, thought about it, discussed it, typed it–well over 500 words. And it is what I want to share with you today. So it counts.

    Awakening

    “Sin takes on two primary expressions: pride and sensuality (doing what feels good), which often comes out as the evasion of self, or self-abnegation…Pride is the denial of one’s need to depend on God; self-abnegation is the knowledge of the need but refusal to depend on God. Pride can be associated with a superiority complex, self-abnegation can be associated with an inferiority complex.”

    Longing

    “Hiraeth, the Welsh word for more than longing. It indicates an all-consuming homesickness. It cuts to the bones, soul, and DNA of our being. It indicates a longing for where one belongs. Through longing, thin spaces that separate us from God are penetrated: we are broken and our desire for God grows.”

    Darkness

    “If I am not what I do, not defined by my relationships with others, who would I be if or when I emerged from this grinding? Would I be anything more than dust? To grow in intimacy with God, I had to face hidden emotional wounds and subsequent “programs for happiness” and let go of them. Without them I felt as if I had nothing, as if I was nothing. “

    Death

    Decisions that stand in opposition to the status quo are not for the faint-hearted; they require courage, honesty and risk. These kind of decisions release us into our destiny. Abundant life awaits each of us, but we must die to obtain it…during a season of darkness, I wrestled with God, trying to hold on to that which needed to die—my preconceived notions of who God is and who I am…It is easier to go into survival mode, rather than to do the hard work of risking trust and relationship.”

    Transformation

    “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” –Kahlil Gibran

    “Mother Teresa’s periods of regular rest: one day a week, one week a month, one month per year, one year in every six. When one neglects giving attention to his interior life, he is not master of his house. His “programs of happiness” control him, and he goes through life unaware that his “service” is more truly frenetic activity. He is not only blind to the real needs of those he serves but to his own needs as well…Though I wasn’t able to hear God’s voice in the way I was asking for it, at that moment I heard God’s silence, and for the first time in a long time God’s silence was okay with me.”

    Intimacy

    “At the end of life’s journey, it doesn’t matter what he have, what we do or what others say about us. What will matter is whether or not we are known and loved for who we are, and whether or not we have known and loved our family and friends well. The spiritual journey is an invitation to know God and to be known by God, which necessitates that one finds and knows oneself. Intimacy is something that either saturates our life or leaves us craving more…When we dare to know our deepest self, with its sorrows and hopes, we encounter God who, in turn, invites us to greater enlightenment about our self and the world that we live in. We are more inclined to put our self out there to be known when we are comfortable in our own skin…we owe it to the world to create time and space for dismantling our illusions.”

    “The person who never had any religious doubts during his college years probably walked around blindfolded; he who never experimented with his traditional values and ideas was probably more afraid than free…but he who did, took a risk…the risk of being alienated from his past and of becoming irritated by everything religious, even the word “God.” We can discover, with pain and frustration, that a mature religious person is very close to the agnostic, and often we have difficulty in deciding which name expresses better our state of mind: agnostic or searching believer. Perhaps they are closer than we tend to think.” Henri Nouwen

    Union

    “Honoring my deepest self and serving others was possible. Whereas I had formerly hidden myself  (in a manner of self-sacrifice) and allowed my potential and influence to be dictated by relationships or circumstances, through the flow from my encounters of union these fragmented parts were becoming whole. Each of our lives does not look like anyone else’s. The uniqueness of our life created in the image of God is meant to shine. Our very own life is a gift to be given.”

    “Silence is God’s first language, according to mystics. And in centering prayer, silence is the language of communication. For twenty to thirty minutes, two times a day, we sit in silence with God and consent to God’s present and action within us. In befriending our self, we find the One who calls us and even our enemy “Beloved.” From this centered place of union we can hope to bear witness to redemptive love and to live as cocreators with God.”

     *

    “Picture yourself at the end of your long journey: Warming yourself at the fireplace, you watch the flames dance softly across the wall. Your pilgrimage has come to an end. You have traveled to the outer limits of your being and returned home full of a sense of worth, and a profound understanding of who you are. You turn and in the doorway stands a young pilgrim. She is so young, her eyes so bright. There is a beauty about her, an eagerness to be on her way. You wonder if this was what you were like so long ago when, staff in hand, you first stepped out on the road.”

    “What can you tell me about the journey?” She asks. What dare you tell her?

    “You will be met by demons and angels. You will have nights of crystal clarity and dark days of doubt. You will lose your way so many times you can’t keep count. But over and over, you will stumble upon yourself, and in the end grow to love who you are.”

     

  • More than 16 Minutes

    I don’t know how to write without any expectations. I want the page to go somewhere, to take me somewhere, to be something in and of itself. I want it to talk back to me.

     ““What do you want?” it’s all I ever asked, and the only thing she never knew.”  –Anna Winzeler

    How often do I sit still with myself? 16 minutes a day. On a good day. Less, if you count distractions. If you count where I look to find whatever is buzzing, or remember that I didn’t communicate with so and so. In 16 minutes I might be able to be quiet enough to let the door open and the fresh air to come in. On a good day.

    The door. The escape. The thoughts that go down the rabbit hole and explode into colors. Where I take off the filters and don’t care about naughty words or hidden meanings. I stare at it full on, until my eyes water. Blunt honesty.

    I am scared of what might be there. Scared of myself. I spend so much time trying to be strong and sure, but I can’t hide from me. I can hide from those 16 minutes. The loving gift of technology: distraction. I am resourceful enough to keep busy so I don’t have to look at what is going on inside me.

    Like any good road, there is a ditch on either side. The fear of the discovery that all the horrible stuff I thought I had the ability to do is reality, and the fear of the discovery that all the dreams and desires I wished I had the ability to do are true. That second fear may be stronger and worse than the first.

    “It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate—our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” —Marianne Williamson

    Any time I feel glow-y it scares me because I never know when it will run out. And I don’t know how to bring it back. And what if I am never glow-y again? Will I still be special? Will I be able to help anyone? Will I still be me? If I don’t know who I am, who will tell me? If they tell me, are they really telling the truth? The world too busy with bigger problems than to pamper my continual search for self.

    And then I find it in someone else: the glow. The magic. The inspiration of candles in the bottom of beer bottles or homemade coloring books. The dance of elegance or the words misaligned to perfect disarray. And I want it.

    I was captivated by the capoeira dancer: the hours he put into learning, perfecting, molding, and being. He created beauty in movement. I wanted it. I could suddenly imagine being the best darned capoeira dancer there was. With a little determination and a lot of sweat. But it wasn’t capoeira I wanted—it was the beauty. The skill. To be uniquely good at something.

    My nitch. The corner where I am queen. I haven’t found it yet. I majored in general studies: a whole lot of a little bit of everything. And I want it all. A mile long and an inch deep. Yuck. I study something with all the energy of a new crush, fawning over it—my marvelous new idea. Then it gets more complicated, requiring more than I am willing to invest, and I drop it into the recycle pile that goes out tomorrow.

    “If I traded it all, if I gave it all away for one thing–just for one thing. If I sorted it out, if I knew all about this one thing, wouldn’t that be something.” –Finger Eleven. But that would be putting all my eggs in one basket. And we all know that bread falls butter side down. Nothing will stick. Am I old enough now to need to just hunker down and make it work? I never want to hunker down.

    It is easier to call on one of many distractions, and ask them to idly chat through my 16 minutes. Rather than risk the complications of what I might find if I took the time to look inward and see what is ticking. I don’t want to find that I am only just pretending.

     

  • Day 11: Poverty Experiment

    Poverty Experiment: one month, $2.50 a day, and me.

    Fact #1: One billion people live off of the buying power of $1.25 a day

    Fact #2: Three billion people (roughly half the population) live off of the buying power of $2.50 a day

     

    These are statistics on paper. I shouldn’t call it the poverty experiment, I should call it the reality experiment, because half the world lives like this. If the 27,000 children who die every day because of poverty–preventable causes–are important, then I need to do something about it. “We can be the generation that no longer accepts that an accident of latitude determines whether a child lives or dies–but will we be that generation?”  –Bono

     

    It became real when I was riding my bike with a backpack load of food and a box of oats balanced on my handlebars. Bike–no car–how could I afford a car on $2.50 a day? All of that money is going towards food. I made a list and carefully calculated, and it still was $19.21–so that food needs to last for 8 days. Eggs and cheese, rice and beans, some vegetables, oats and tortillas, and peanuts. That’s what I got. And only that.

     

    It takes 30 minutes to ride my bike to work, but then 15 minutes to change into the right clothes, and 15 more to stop sweating. Suddenly, the weather is really important. it makes the difference of a happy Rachel, or a wet, soppy Rachel who has mud splatters up her back and has to wash her legs in the sink of the employee bathroom. Everything takes longer without the money we pay for convenience. I have to know what I need to do for the day, and plan backwards to make sure I have time to do it.

     

    Things I take for granted and make this experiment unrealistic (but NOT invalid):

    1.      Free lodging and accessories: all that $2.50 goes to food.

    2.      Ideal situations: I picked a month of (hopefully) good weather, where biking is possible.

    3.      Opportunities: I am already established and  have a great education and training for life.

    4.      Community: I have a family, and great friends who support me, and would never let me starve.

    5.      Choice: I have the choice to do this…and when to stop: choices that those living on $2.50 a day do not have.

     

    Many people I know in Brazil live off of minimum wage, which is $300 a month; $10 a day. If a guy works and has a wife and two kids at home, they are living like this…$2.50 a day. They are the statistic. In the United States I make in one hour what they make in a day.

     

    It was $14.74 for groceries my second week. Besides having some leftover food from last week, I was able to get applesauce, sour cream, and noodles. I thought this experiment would make food the focus since I had to be more careful, take more time to prepare it, and had less (at least less options) of it. In reality, food is less important. Time together with family is more important. When my brother bought me strawberries, I savored every one, but it was that he THOUGHT about it–that he thought of me that meant more.

     

    “In order to contribute, I would have to know myself better and be clearer about my goals. I would have to be ready to take (Africa) on it’s own terms, not mine, and learn my limits and present myself not as a do-gooder with a big heart, but as someone with something to give and gain by being there. Compassion wasn’t enough.” –”The Blue Sweater”

     

    Top 10 reasons why NOT to listen when Jesus says “Sell your possessions and give the money to the poor.” ( By Ash Barker in  “Make Poverty Personal”)

    1.      But then who would support the missionaries?

    2.      God has called me to minister to the rich.

    3.      It is on my to do list…I just have to finish (fill in the blank)…

    4.      Jesus only asked him because he had a problem with possessions.

    5.      Jesus only asked him because he didn’t have a family.

    6.      Actually, you can get the camel through the gate–if he gets on his knees.

    7.      But Jesus wants me to have the best.

    8.      I would do it, if Jesus made it clear He WANTED me to.

    9.      I give 10%…He wants MORE?

    10.  Giving money to the poor is bad stewardship–they would use it for booze.

     

    $16.69 for week three groceries. In addition to what I needed, I was able to get apples and kiwi. I slept outside last night. The weather was perfect, and I like to hear the sounds of open space around me. But it would be different if I HAD to sleep outside. I was able to make lunch for my family. I was so happy to have enough extra this week to be able to share. Sharing made me feel…empowered. I could give something after all.

     

    The novelty wears off. The extra pushes of the pedal on my bike makes my legs ache. I get home after work and see all this beautiful food on the table and I want to eat it. I don’t WANT rice and beans anymore. And I don’t feel like cooking anything else. It grates against you. “Why can’t you just be normal?” and “What’s the point of giving up all these things?” and “It is not like you will ever really feel what it’s like to be impoverished.” Because I won’t. My family will never let me starve. This little doing without things is like gnats. They don’t hurt, they just irritate you.

     

    Bitter. I can see how I’d get bitter really fast if I were not choosing to do this: seeing everyone else HAVE while I HAVE NOT. Why? Is this fair? I am working as hard for my $2 a day as they are working for their $20 an hour. In fact—I am working HARDER than most of them. All of this–just because of where I was born? Because of who my parents are? What does that have to do with me? “It is poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish.” –Mother Teresa

     

    8 Keys to escape poverty traps (by Smith in “Ending Global Poverty”)

    1.      Health and nutrition (to keep adults working and kids growing)

    2.      Basic education (to build self-reliance)

    3.      Credit and basic insurance (to defend against risk)

    4.      Access to income and opportunities (to get assets)

    5.      Access to new technologies (to gain productivity)

    6.      Non-degraded and stable environment (to have development)

    7.      Personal empowerment (to gain freedom from exploitation)

    8.      Community empowerment (to participate in a wider world)

     

    The ”New Friars” book says that poverty can only be fought from within. That the solution is living with them:

    1.      Incarnationally–being God to them

    2.      Devotionally–being devoted to God

    3.      Communally–living together with everything in common

    4.      Missionally–going to the geographic fringe

    5.      Marginally–outside the norms

    “We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked, and homeless. the poverty of being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty” –Mother Teresa

     

    God is taking me outside the box of how I normally think of things. I have one way I normally see things: this is how I drive to work, what I eat, who I talk to, what I watch on TV, my style of clothes, my music—even “This is how I follow Jesus.” I get stuck in a rut, but there is so much more–God wants to lead me in all things–in so many ways I can’t imagine. He is creative. How many more ways does God want to use me than simply going to church on Sunday? “Trust God from the bottom of your heart. Don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go. He’s the one who will keep you on track.” paraphrase of Proverbs 3:5-6

     

    “Money won’t solve the problem.” My friend said, when I read that it would take 13 billion dollars a year to end hunger for the world’s poorest: and over 18 billion is spent in pet food. But if money won’t, what will? Tell me WHAT WILL solve it. Each person doing their part? What is their part? To give themselves to helping others. I believe God wrote a calling/way of helping/social cause on the heart of each person. One thing that GETS them–it grabs their heart and won’t let go. I think it is the job of each person to find this thing and then GO AFTER IT. For every person who NEEDS a donut, there is a person who needs to GIVE a donut. We are made to need others AND to be needed by others. We give ourselves because Jesus gave Himself for us.

     

    What would Jesus do about poverty? (Ash Barker from “Make Poverty Personal”)

    1.      Give fish (like general relief, as Jesus did with direct healing and feeding)

    2.      Teach how to fish (like educating and training, as Jesus did the disciples and all who stayed to listen)

    3.      Ask why there are no fish (like protest and advocacy, as Jesus did turning over the temple changers)

    4.      Model a new way to fish (like incarnational modeling, as Jesus did in becoming a man and living in solidarity with us)

    5.      See a new way to fish, owned by the people (like facilitating transformation, as Jesus did in bringing the new covenant–a movement that can live on in us even after He returned to heaven.)

     

    12 Steps to solving poverty (By Paul Polack “Out of Poverty”)

    1.      Go where the action is (stop pitying poor people)

    2.      Talk to the people who have the problem and listen to what they say

    3.      Learn everything you can about the problem’s specific content (learn about the poor around you, as well as global poverty and what can be done)

    4.      Think big an act big

    5.      Think like a child

    6.      See and do the obvious (when you know the people, you know the problem, and sometimes a solution)

    7.      If somebody already invented it, you don’t need to do it again (help whatever is already going on)

    8.      Make sure it has positive measurable impact that can be brought to scale, reaching a million people and make their lives measurably better.

    9.      Design to specific cost and price targets

    10.  Follow practical three year plans

    11.  Continue to learn from your customers

    12.  Stay positive: don’t be distracted by what others think

     

    30 days = $60.39. I found out that sometimes you just want SOMETHING ELSE, ANYTHING ELSE to eat. Drinking another glass of water doesn’t cut it. I found a lot of books of a lot of great people doing a lot of great things in the world. I received a lot of encouragement from a lot of good people and had conversations with strangers and friends and family that would have never come up otherwise. I found that I take more time to do the little things, and the little things bring me more happiness than whatever else I used to be doing. I found time to enjoy sunsets. I found that my choices were more limited, but my ideas became unlimited.

     

    I found that I felt strangled when I had nothing to give or share with others. When you are able to give, you feel empowered. I found that I will never really know the hopelessness and helplessness that those in true poverty feel. That this is just a little baby step toward something…something I am not sure of yet.

  • Day 9: The Youth Center

    A bus picked up 75 kids from the streets of Indianapolis and took them to a two week camp. We had no clue what we were in for. I remember bed wetting, airing out sleeping bags, death threats, cold pool water with weave floating in it, and duckweed. That was how it began for me at Good News Ministries Youth Center.

    Many of those kids I met in 2002 are still in my life today. Both of the Jasmine’s graduated last year, and are working on college. Neka has twins, Danielle has two girls, Bugg has a little girl, as does April, who is still with Reggie. Lamont is working hard, and I saw Eugene at IUPUI a couple of times. Moose is coaching, Johnny got a basketball scholarship, Donald will always be Donald, Eric is working towards his master’s degree, and most everyone else is my friend on Facebook.

    After camp, Carrie, the female staff, pulled me aside and told me “If you are just looking for a short term job, then this isn’t for you. These kids are used to everyone coming and going in their lives, and if you are just going to be one more, then don’t even try.”

    It took a year before I really felt I had formed a friendship—a relationship that would last. A year is a long time of investing before you see any results. Especially with the older girls. Younger kids will sell you their soul for a game of tag, and guys will joke around in a game of basketball, but those girls? They scared the heck out of me.

    I broke up my first fight. I got hit in the jaw for it too. Time passed quickly as the “Girls director,” and I was happy to roll around the hood in my station wagon, affectionately known as the pimp-mobile. I had to earn the right to hear their stories, to ask “So how are you and God?”

    The friendships grew, but I watched as one of my closest girls walked away—she chose drugs over the center. She chose drugs over me. My first experiences counseling pregnant girls and boys who would be daddies. The first time I received a death threat—and many apologies afterwards. Visiting Jake in boy’s school. Bugg’s mom dying.

    Then Brazil happened. But only for the summer. Or not. Kierra was the first to meet me when I got off the plane, the whole youth center following behind. I was back in Indiana. We started making a tradition of girl’s conferences. Limo rides, my mom’s macaroni and cheese, U of I gym, Golden Corral—except for one disaster with a racist from Greenwood.  

    Some new kids joined our crew: Ericka and Ebony, both mothers now, made the west side route deep, while Wrianna held her own, insisting she wasn’t white, she was light-skinned. Carlos always wore that shirt on his head. We can’t forget all the famous youth center couples: Ericka and Dante, Ebony and Carlos, Jasmine and Greg, Donald and Molly.

    By this time, the younger kids were stepping up to run the center: Erica, who is now one of my best friends, and her brothers Eric, Devon, and Andrew would come to church with me on Sundays. Vladimir wouldn’t let me call him “Junior” any more, and Cedric was everyone’s favorite.

    While I used to be able to beat Tyray, Andrew, and Johnny in basketball—while wearing a skirt—they now towered over me, blocking my shot without even jumping. The kids and I got used to Brazil being a part of my life, asking “How long this time?” each time I came or went.

    Something changed in 2005. I call it the three year mark. After three years, something was different. Not that I was “one of the gang,” but…I was welcome. When I dropped kids off, they said “Lock the doors, be safe Mz. Rachel!” They asked if I wanted to come in. Their parents knew me, and called me Mz. Rachel as well, to my surprise. They came to me with problems, instead of me prying it out. They even replied back with “Well, how are you and God doing?” I was putting in the time, and reaping the rewards.

    The youth center always has new kids. Some stick and some don’t. Tisha and Kenisha started coming, and now I don’t know what the youth center would do without them. Dabrittnay made up for her shortness with personality (I wouldn’t mess with her!), and a couple of other girls who are now mothers: Indasia, Kayla, and Tierra.

    I kept coming and going. I’d be visiting the center a couple days after I got into the country. By 2007, It was just volunteering when I could. I didn’t feel I had the time I needed/wanted to give to work at the center, and I didn’t feel it was fair to a new set of kids to come and go so quickly out of their lives. 2008 I was only in the country long enough to be torn into two by a young girl’s decision to have an abortion.

    2009 I volunteered once a week, always yanked down into a seat next to Curtis, who needed help with his homework. A huge blow on everyone when his brother Daniel, 15, was shot and killed. I watched the faces of my kids as they walked past his casket and realized it had happened—they were not kids anymore.

    Last year gave me a new chance with new kids, but I always held on to my original kids—and their kids. I held babies and went to baby showers. I found out some of our 12-year-old kids were drug runners. I busted my knee trying to break up five guys as they jumped a kid—inside the youth center. I filed a police report for a black eye and strangulation. Complete with pictures.

    I earned the title “Educational director,” running the tutorial program. I was called a thug and a beast. I was told that I must be mixed, because I talk too black to be white. I was loved and hated, by the same kids, on the same days.

    Nay-Nay and Praise begged me to swing on the swings one more time, while Shanique and Honoria were so quick to learn new things. Doodles made everyone laugh, and I made fun of Vontez’ hair any chance I could. I put my finger in Deon’s ear while he played Playstation 2, and no one could forget the new couples: Key’aunna and Airon, Tisha and Booboo. Mark and Aaron, at different times, continued on the tradition of working hard on their education at Eagledale, now called Crosspoint.

    While Brazil has officially taken over my focus, the youth center and the friendships I have made will last forever. For nine years I have seen kids come, get saved, really try, laugh and play hard turn into to girls who get knocked up, boys who get drugged up, and many who fall out of the dreams/goals that they had for themselves. I have watched most of them become their parents.

    Did the youth center make a difference? Was it worth the hours, days, years I invested? Yes. Even if the only result I see is me. I am a better person for my time at the youth center. They taught me tough love. How to say something and stand on it, though hell tries to blow me over. I have learned that there is always more to the story than I know, and that love wins more than rules. And I have some of the best memories and friends to take with me through the rest of my life because of it.

    The point was that we were there. Those kids, and those who are now adults, know we are there, and that we care. Sometimes I still get a phone call. Or someone walking through those purple doors. They know what we represent. And when they walk through those doors, it means they are open and looking: even if they are not aware of it themselves.  It is a picture of something bigger. Of Christ’s pierced hands always open, always reaching, always there. No matter what.

    No, I haven’t seen all the successful lives and changes that I would have liked to have seen. There are some bright stars that inspire me over and over again, but I have seen so many fall and fall again. I have seen things so ugly that I wanted to heave. I have heard words so hateful that I have crawled inside myself and not come out for a long time. Statistics are bleak.

    I asked my friend how he was going to change the world for Christ. He said he wasn’t. He was going to live life with God in his own little world—the one God had placed him in with people, places, situations—and when the time was right, when something happened and someone found that how they were doing things didn’t work…he would step inside that small doorway and share the answer he had found: God. That is what it is to work at the youth center.

     

  • Day 8: Statuses

     “That should be your Facebook status!” What does it say about you when something funny happens and the first thing you think of is updating your social network page? When you sit around with nothing to do and begin to think of one liners that would make your friends laugh when they scrolled down Facebook?

    That rectangle box stares at me, asking “What’s on your mind?” There is a compulsive drive to fill it in with something. Because there is always something on my mind. How can I make what I am doing or feeling sound interesting enough for someone to mark “like,” or leave a comment?

    “Rachel found where the deer and the antelope play,” when on a road trip out West. “Rachel is eating cheesecake.” That cheesecake was worth commemorating. “Rachel is gone. But not forever,” when leaving for Brazil. “Rachel is a bottle of shnortzazzle.” Obviously, that was when someone else got into my account and changed my status.

    “Rachel is scared of scorpions,” stating the obvious when coming face to face with the creatures. “Rachel found it,” just to make people ask what it was. “Rachel is right” to those who had forgotten. “Rachel got hit by a car.” But it was only my hand, and the car was going slow. “Rachel has more than one page of resolutions,” for the New Year. “Rachel loves you,” yes you!

    “Rachel has wet feet” on rainy days. “Rachel chooses Gilmore girls over philosophy homework,” in my last semester of college. “Rachel pulled her car out of a snow bank. In a skirt.” That was a good day. “Rachel plays hard and has the bruises to prove it,” that was a good game of floor hockey. “Rachel is outside. Barefoot and in pajamas.” Ummm, I don’t remember what that was about.

    “Rachel is a thug.” A quote from a little boy, trying to make his friend scared of me. “Rachel is light-skinned,” because after working in the ghetto, my kids said I couldn’t be white. “Rachel smiled for the police photos,” the day I got punched in the eye. “Rachel rides again.” My bike. “Rachel is percolating about being purturbated.” You will just have to look that one up.

    “Rachel giggles at things not quite so profound.” But I forgot what it was. Dang. “Rachel fights with a saber. And wins.” You don’t want to meet me in an alley after fencing class. “Rachel talks like a pirate,” because it was “Talk like a Pirate day.” Don’t miss it. “Rachel found the limit of how many library books you can put on hold.” I think it was 75. “Rachel never measures when she makes cookies.” Or anything else, for that matter.

    “Rachel hit the genetic jackpot,” because she has the coolest family in the world. “Rachel is eating pumpkin pie” for Thanksgiving. “Rachel is still eating pumpkin pie,” the week after Thanksgiving. “Rachel sleeps in hammocks and eats mangos she picks off of trees,” when showing off the perks of living in Brazil. “Rachel finished every darn thing on her to do list,” and celebrated with a new status.

    “Rachel has more fun teaching when she is dancing.” Just saying. So I’d better change my lesson plans. “Rachel loves her mom,” especially on mother’s day, when she is out of the country. “Rachel was the only one who threw her hat,” at her college graduation.

    After reading through the 14 pages of my statuses from the past two years, I have come to the conclusion that I like to laugh at life. That the little rectangle box on the top of my Facebook page has provided a way of sharing thoughts, events, holidays, quotes, and random information with others. That status’ can be used to complain about things, or to cheer someone up. What do your statuses say about you? http://apps.facebook.com/mystatuses/newestfirst

     

  • Wonder

    He looked at me with eyes of wonder. My soul lit up, with the feeling of words that must be spoken or they would blow out my ears. I knew my eyes sparkled, my face glowed. I was positively pink.

    The content of the conversation is not of consequence–they were simply words I loved, I believed: I was speaking of how the world should be, how life should work out, and how I was determined to live my life. I reached a crescendo and took a final breath. Releasing slowly, I saw I had power. I had something beautiful and it made me beautiful. He was looking at me with eyes of wonder.

    He wanted those words, those ideals, those beliefs. He wanted to leave the world that was and join the world that could be—and if I looked deep enough—he wanted me. Me with those bright eyes and golden plethoras.

    But the moment faded. Jostled out by distraction. When his eyes returned to mine I was pierced—it was gone, lost and buried past my reach. And we both knew it.

    My words were not complete enough to survive the trip into reality. They traveled to the breaking point, shattering at the look that said “girl, you have so much more to learn.” I was a lovely thing to look at and wish for, but I couldn’t be taken into the darkness or I would fade and become one of them; one who lives in the real world.

    I wanted to take him with me, traveling down these words and ideals. I wanted someone else to see them and validate their existence. Someone who believed in them, even more than in me. I wanted someone there so when I fell it did not mean the words were wrong, it just meant I needed help getting back up.

     

    Hope was born and hope was lost. He remained, and I was left.

     

    “You are not enough,” were the unspoken words between us. “You are pretty enough to be noticed, but not to be joined. It is not enough to make a difference, to really matter. What you are saying is not worth it—take it from someone who knows. Live long enough, and you will see your ideals for the fairytales they are. You will give in as soon as it gets hard. It is nice to read in books but impractical in reality. Leave it alone or you will be alone. “

    I cried. Right there in front of him. Embarrassed, he didn’t know what to do. He was stirred, but said nothing. I couldn’t see him anymore. I saw a road and I was standing on it. The path was made up of all the words I had tried to speak. They were alive, they were real, and I wanted nothing less. So firm, so sure, so true. It was the way of truth. But I was alone.

     

  • Day 7: Politics

    Why I Vote

     

    The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” ~Winston Churchill

     

    1. It makes my mother happy. She appreciates a listening ear to tell political woes. I don’t listen intently enough to make a difference—just enough for her to feel relieved. She knows this, so it is ok to write about. If voting makes her happy, then I will do it.

     

    An election is coming.  Universal peace is declared, and the foxes have a sincere interest in prolonging the lives of the poultry.”  ~George Eliot

     

    2. It makes me feel like I am a part of a whole. Being out of the country most of the year makes me feel even more distant from current affairs. It is nice to be involved in something bigger than yourself.

                                                                            

    “How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?” ~Author Unknown

     

    3. I get a sticker.

     

    “I’m tired of hearing it said that democracy doesn’t work.  Of course it doesn’t work.  We are supposed to work it.”  ~Alexander Woollcott

     

    4. I can’t complain if I don’t try to do something about it. So if I vote, I can mumble and grumble all I want.  But I am more patriotic when I am outside the country than when I am in it. I might not like what is going on, but that doesn’t mean some foreigner can talk bad about my country.

     

    Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”  ~W.C. Fields

     

    5. It makes me feel like a responsible adult. When it is me and the ballot, I don’t want to mark the “one ticket” box. I want to be individual. After going through and voting for everyone I know about, or against anyone I know I don’t like…I vote for the ones who have names I like. See mothers? It is important what you name your child. Then I turn in the ballot, like the responsible adult that I am.

     

    “Those who stay away from the election think that one vote will do no good: ‘Tis but one step more to think one vote will do no harm.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

     

    6. I have friends in the military/government that work hard and I respect. I owe it to them. Or people who really support someone they believe in. The sweet old man standing outside the voting place in the cold won my vote for his candidate—that was dedication.

     

    Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.”  ~Oscar Ameringer

     

    7. I want to be a part of the great heritage given to me, honoring the great men and women who have given their lives for the freedom to vote. History is inspiring, when you get the right textbooks. Even more so when you visit Virginia. I must say my interest in my national heritage grew after meeting the cute guy in knickers.

     

    “If voting changed anything, they’d make it illegal.”  ~Emma Goldman

     

    8. It overcomes the guilt I feel in not being responsible and learning what is going on in my country. I am one of the few who hasn’t seen much of political anything. I don’t watch TV. I only look at the paper long enough to find the comics. I avoid political arguments by quickly admitting that I don’t know enough information to argue one way or the other. I only have one life, and have decided not to clutter it up with politics. So far, this has worked out pretty well for me.

     

    We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.”  ~Frank McKinney “Kin” Hubbard

     

    9. I get to see Mr. Smith. He is always at the voter place, and it makes me happy and rooted to see him every time. He is someone you can count on. I would vote for him for anything. Too bad he isn’t running. I almost wrote him in.

     

    Democracy is the only system that persists in asking the powers that be whether they are the powers that ought to be.”  ~Sydney J. Harris

     

    10. It is a privilege, not an obligation. In Brazil, voting is mandatory. That feels a little dirty to me, even if it does lead to huge community involvement.  For me, voting is about relationships and personal individuality. Don’t ask me who I voted for either…it is a secret.

     

     

  • Day 6: Religion in 2500 words or less

     “Religion is responsibility or it is nothing at all.” –Jacques Derrida

     

    “Yale professor Harold Bloom observed that Karl Marx had it only partly right when he said that religion is the opiate of the people. More broadly speaking, it is the poetry of the people, both the good and the bad, for better and worse. According to Bloom, trying to attack or conquer such a massive target is almost as useless as blindly celebrating it. But religion can, and should be, objected to, questioned, and talked about.

    Devastating criticism of religion is always part of religion. The religiously faithful aren’t just permitted to critique and complain and reform; they’re bound to do it by religion. Without it, there is no faithfulness. When religion won’t tolerate questions…it has an unfortunate habit of producing some of the most hateful people ever to walk the earth.” –David Dark, in “The Sacredness of Questioning Everything.”

     

    Beginning with myself, since I know none quite so well: I grew up in a Christian home. Conjure up stereotypical ideas or memories of “that Christian family” you knew. It may be close to my life. I accepted the existence of God as firmly as the peas on my plate, and the Bible as His revealed will for us was as real as my running bath water.

    It took a long time to realize that not everyone believed the same thing. That was confusing. God and religion were a set of rules that I felt happy when I followed and guilty when I didn’t.  They made me a moral person, but not a good person. “We may quote a verse, put it in a Power Point presentation…but if it doesn’t scandalize or bother us, challenging our already-made-up minds, we aren’t really receiving it. Not religiously anyway (David Dark).”

    But somewhere along the way something changed. I met God. I found something bigger than myself to live for, and I am in for the long haul. “In the end, it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.” –Thomas Merton

     

    Church—denominations? I still haven’t figured that out. Community church, Baptist church…they felt the same, and that was what was important to me. They felt like home. There was doctrine, but I don’t remember spending a lot of time arguing about it. You believed it or you didn’t. You got out of it what you were ready to receive.

    At the Missionary Baptist church, to keep from politically correct or incorrect terms, we simply referred to race as food: I was a “strawberry,” while my best friend Deandra was “chocolate.” I was the whitest thing there, next to the choir robes. I can still hear the music—tight harmonies, rhythm, and passion. There was an absence of men, but overabundance of generosity, personal involvement, and food—no one had a better BBQ. I wasn’t just home, I was family.

    To continue my over-simplistic generalizations of different denominations, my uncle is a Lutheran pastor, which seems to involve a lot of tradition. Certain phrases are repeated, prayers are read from a book, and wine is for communion. But then again, my aunt is a pastor as well which isn’t so traditional.

    One set of grandparents were Methodists, and I remember services in a big, old building that seemed stuffy, even with the high ceiling, but perfect for the bell choir. The other set were Apostolic Christian, meaning the men sat on one side and the women sat on the other. They sang acapella, and I found something refreshing in the simpleness.

     

    I had a friend who told me he was Presbyterian. I asked him what that meant and he said it meant that doctrine was important and that he needed to study it more. I visited Pentecostal churches, which were very emotional. I kept looking around, wondering if they were for real, or just faking it. I kept waiting to see if I would “get” whatever they had. I didn’t.

    Church in Brazil is charismatic and colorful, as are the Brazilians themselves. They sit for longer sermons, often dance, and begin and end whatever hour the people are there. Brazil is Catholic like America is Christian, but Evangelicalism is growing, especially in the lower socio-economic classes. Churches are most often small groups, meeting in homes.

    Why Christianity? He chose me. We pattern our choice of religion after what we admire. Many of my friends grew up Christian but then saw only hypocrites and nothing to admire, and left. That is the power we have on one another. I admired God himself and a personal relationship. The rest got thrown in and like family—“love ‘em and hate ‘em and can’t get away from ‘em.”

     

    “There’s a whisper of revolution whenever people really speak to one another and really listen.” –David Dark

     

    Baha’i are people who believe in God,” A friend told me, “Who believe they have a soul that needs nourishment and care, and that other people in the world also need that. It teaches that religion is progressive, that it goes in a cycle, and Baha’u'llah (which means Glory of God) is the latest messenger in the successive line of Messengers from God. We believe in all the major prophets like Moses, Buddha, Christ, Krishna, Zoroaster, Mohammed, etc. These messengers have brought a lot of the same teachings, and at their cores, they all basically teach the same things, only they got more progressive as time went on.”

    I told him I thought this was the easy way out—accepting everything. That Baha’i was a religion of knowledge—all the religious books are sacred and have things we need and must use in our lives. My friend pointed out that this was not easier, but harder, in that he felt so small in the vastness of all that needed to be learned. We agreed on many things, like seeking God, knowing God, and walking in His presence. We disagreed about Jesus being God’s only way to heaven. We agreed to cheer the other on in their search.  

    “If I am a good listener, I don’t interrupt the other or plan my own next speech while pretending to be listening. I am not in a hurry, for there is no pre-appointed destination for the conversation. There is no need to get there, for we are already here; if I am a good listener, what we have in common will be more than what we have in conflict.” –Merold Westphal

     

    “Aunt” Brenda had short curly red hair, a dog named Moppet, and diabetes. She used a scooter most of the time I knew her, which I thought that was great because she let me ride on her lap and honk the horn. Aunt Brenda was Jewish, and like everything else about Aunt Brenda, it was very pronounced. I remember going to a Jewish community center for Purim, my favorite celebration with poppy seed triangle cookies, where I got to dress up like Esther. Esther was in my Bible too, so I didn’t think we were different at all. But Aunt Brenda seemed to think so.

    My mom said it would be better for me not to talk about certain things around Aunt Brenda. Certain things like Jesus. Aunt Brenda liked me just fine, so we got along. I was in slight awe of her, being from a place talked about in the Old Testament. I wondered if she was any closer to God, since she was one of God’s chosen people. But Aunt Brenda didn’t seem to think she was very chosen.

    My mother enjoyed saying “Chutzpah” and using a Jewish accent now and then, but mostly she loved Passover. We read books about the symbolism of Jesus foretold in the Jewish traditions. We had an old record of Jewish music that I would dance to as a little girl, but the best part was Matza, the unleavened bread. If you want to make me happy, give me Matza. During the Passover, they would take three Matzos, break the middle one, and hide half of it. All the children would hunt, and the finder would receive a prize.

    The Jewish people are still waiting for their Messiah, while I believe that he has already come. I am awed at the price paid for this difference of belief. I read a book called “Girl Meets God” by Lauren Winner. She converted to orthodox Jewish, but became a Christian after college. She relates changing religions to getting a divorce and remarriage. Not easy. By the end she was able to not just look at the differences and what she left behind, but in the similarities, and what she brought with her.

     

    Catholics went to big buildings that had stain glass windows, lots of pictures of a bleeding Jesus, and prayed to Mary. They had a pope and fish on Friday. That was all I knew. When I was little, I went to a nursing home and talked with an old man who told me he was Catholic. I decided to convert him. I gave him an explanation and asked if he believed that Jesus died for his sins, and he said yes. That Jesus was God’s Son and yet God as well? Yes, he believed that too. I went through every other doctrine my young brain could explain and he agreed with all of it. I pronounced him a Christian and went on with my life, a little more confused about what it meant to be Catholic.

    History was full of Catholics and Protestants killing each other. That couldn’t all be about praying to Mary, could it? As I got to know some people who were Catholic, I learned that they came in all different shapes and sizes. Some seemed to be following a religion of symbols, statues, and traditions—while others seemed to be on the same page as I was—we both loved Jesus. I find it difficult to find or keep any grudges with someone who really loves Jesus.

    While I have been challenged by Henri Nouween, Dorothy Day, Mother Teresa, and a nameless girl who blogs about her life and Catholic faith, in Brazil Catholicism seems to be a different breed. Being 85% Catholic, each town has a saint and they celebrate its holiday with fervor. The Brazilian Catholics I have met feel empty. The big, old, beautiful buildings make me ache, cry, and want to fill them with something. With relationship. For so many, all of the things meant to bring them closer to God have just become relics that stand between them and God.  

     

    I mix up Buddhism and Hinduism. Buddha was the fat god, and the Hindus had all the gods with arms. Hinduism was the religion of so many gods you could not remember them all, a caste system, and Gandhi. Buddhism had no god, nothingness (nirvana), and the Dali Lama.

    If age gets brownie points, Hinduism wins as the world’s oldest religion. It is the uniting of a lot of thoughts over a lot of time, but most often comes together under the Vedas, their sacred writings. They have 33 million gods, but really it is one god, with many names, and all is god (pantheism).

    There are four castes, and then there are the untouchables. You are born, live, and die in your caste: that is your lot in life. There are four ends of life (purusharthas): the pursuit of material wealth and well being (Artha), the pursuit of love and pleasure (Kama), and the pursuit of liberation from concerns and worldly life (Moksha—liberation, like a drop into the ocean). These three come under the fourth, and main end, being Dharma, the pursuit of doctrine and duty of each caste system. Sorry, but Dharma only reminds me of “Lost.”

    Buddhism began when Buddha broke off from Hinduism, and decided that no god was needed—you need to follow your own path to enlightenment. His Dharma is based on the four noble truths: there is suffering in life, suffering always has causes, the end to suffering is possible by ending the causes, and the Noble Eightfold Path is the way to end suffering. You should look up the Eightfold path for yourself. You do all this to become free from desiring anything. That is your goal. But “Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true.” –Spock from Star Trek

     

    “Islam” means “surrender.” There is one God, and Muhammad was his prophet. The five pillars of Islam are declaration of faith, prayer, fasting (Ramadan), almsgiving, and pilgrimage. The Qur’an is their holy book, where Jesus was a prophet, but Muhammad was the last one, and more important.

    When I was young, I learned that Muhammad had multiple wives, including one that was nine years old. I never forgave him for it. You can’t have Islam without Muhammad, and I don’t like him. I know there are many great men with many personal problems who do many great things…but this is my bias, and I admit it.

     

    Religion: of strangers, friends, family, and myself. I have found things I agree and disagree with. I have asked myself why I feel that way about it, and sometimes I have answers and sometimes I don’t. I have asked what I am supposed to DO about what I know, and sometimes I have answers and sometimes I don’t.

     

    “God is not made angry and insecure by an archaeological dig, a scientific discovery…or by people with honest doubts concerning His existence. God is not counting on us to keep ourselves stupid, closed off to the complexity of the world we’re in…I’m not required to cut off my questions or try to uncritically place my faith in particular doctrines. The call to worshipfulness is a call to employ my imagination and therefore the whole of my practice—a mindfulness that requires an engagement.” –David Dark

     

    I wonder if I only want to know what is right and what I believe so I can go out and start yelling it. I can be sure of it. I can protest and do something and dare them to say I am wrong. Instead, I find that the center of religion, belief, and myself is relationship with God. And what flows from that relationship is love to all people. Those with the same beliefs and those with different beliefs. And that is what I needed to know.

     

    “Reality, Philip K. Dick reminds us, “is that which, when you stop believing it, doesn’t go away.” It is the work of the prophet—the poet, the songwriter, the teacher, the preacher—to seek out reality and to never stop questioning it.” –David Dark

     

  • Day 5: Home

    I don’t remember much of my first church. But I don’t remember much of anything before I was five. I called it the rainbow church because the halls were painted with rainbow stripes. I recently visited, and they had repainted the walls. I don’t know what to call it now.

     

    When I was five, we attended a church that was in an old factory. A big room with high ceilings, I ran around everywhere and felt free. Mom says that during “meet and greet” I began the conversation by telling her age and weight. I don’t remember this. I do remember helping build our new church building, and then growing up in it.

     

    I moved from one classroom to the next, losing teeth and the papers I was supposed to give my mother. When my sister was born there was a rosebud on the pulpit and a church announcement. In the classroom behind the baptismal I met Mr. Hedley, my favorite teacher. He attended my college graduation and gave me 25 one dollar bills. Fresh ones.  

     

    The big move was in middle school—to the upstairs classrooms. I was homeschooled, so church wasn’t religion to me—it was the outside world. I didn’t know anyone who didn’t go to church. Then I learned about denominations and all those arguments and disagreements that good people have. That surprised me. By high school, I learned that I didn’t fit with my old group anymore. That surprised me even more.

     

    My family started going to a church where I belonged. We had meetings all the time, eating together, singing together, living together. There were about sixty members and we went by “chocolate” and “strawberry” when the question of race came up. After every service, everyone had a chance to share. They wanted to listen to you. Sometimes it took a long time, but every single person was heard.

     

    There were rules like no pants and no whistling, but it was well worth it. I planned my week around church time because I wanted to be there. I knew something good would happen. Then something bad happened, but that story isn’t for today. I still love everyone dearly, but now I am a visitor there.

     

    We spent a while “church visiting.” I liked most of the places. You never knew what you were going to get. I liked watching the people. I liked singing. But I didn’t like always being a visitor. Where you aren’t expected to be there or anywhere and it is all smiles. Life isn’t all smiles.

     

    There was a church right down the street. This was the first church I joined as an adult. I had a station wagon and would pile all the kids in after church and we would get a burger somewhere. My younger sister complained that I stole all her friends. We found home again. But then changes took over and it wasn’t ours anymore. This time it took longer to find another church. My whole family was worn out with changing.

     

    Brazil was now at least half of my life, and I was busy making it home. When I learned the language and lived on my own, I found my church in Paudalho. Church is a little different in Brazil. Pretty basic—a room (a house often), chairs, fans, and a guitar. Sometimes electrical equipment. Plus a whole lot of love.

     

    Back in America, I followed my family to an old school building that had pure worship, chairs in the gym, fans in the summer, and coats in the winter. The pastor preached a chapter a week until the Bible ended and then he started again. Tattoos and black make-up sitting next to the preps. And most of all—they accepted me and my family. Now that I had home, I could be sent.

     

    I continue to treasure beautiful friendships with people from every one of these buildings. Church is a place to be, to belong, to grow, to share, and yes, sometimes to leave. None of these churches need any other name or title than what I give you: home.

     

  • Day 4: Not here

    I did write over 500 words…they were just of a more personal matter and so not published here. Congrats Erica–on graduating! I am so proud of you!